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post #136 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 01:09 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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So, how can you have done that "over and over"?
It's like anything else that people second guess and then have to reaffirm themselves. Every time he missed a family outing and was confused as to why 14 years later it's still not better, he had to reaffirm that wife comes before parents.

The same is true with other things like forgiveness. It's not a once and done thing. It rears it's head periodically at which point forgiveness diminishes and has to be reestablished.


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post #137 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 01:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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I think it is noble of your wife to lay down her life for her children.

But I also think a sexless marriage breaks the marriage vows and is grounds for divorce.

So, divorce her.
or, lay down your life for your children (if you think they are better of with both of you under one roof)
I don't believe it's an Either/Or scenario. I believe I could do both. If I found happiness elsewhere I could also be a good dad and "lay my life" down for them.
Keep in mind I started this thread to seek advice on how to deal with the discomfort I live with on a constant basis of my wife's harsh and rude disownment of my mother. The general consensus I got from posters was to work on my marriage first and that there'd be a chance my wife could cease her nastiness towards my mother later on. So this is what I'll focus on for now.

you vote divorce. Got it
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post #138 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 01:15 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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but she's not because there is no intrusion. I talk to my mother maybe 3 times a year tops
This issue itself is an ongoing "intrusion".....and it has to do with your mother. Maybe from *your* perspective there is no intrusion......but, sincerely, I would advise you to ask your wife how she feels about it.

You already mentioned that a few days before writing this thread, your mom was coming from two hours away, and your wife "found out" she was coming......so, your wife left home (to be avoid your mother). Had you been the one to inform her? Why didn't you first ask your wife how she felt about your mother coming to your home? That is one example of an "intrusion" (regardless of how you see it......because I'm speculating your wife saw it as such. Most people don't like having to scurry out of their own home and having uninvited--by her---guests). Your home should be a "safe place" for all of you (you.....your wife.....your children).

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post #139 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 01:18 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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So, divorce her.
or, lay down your life for your children (if you think they are better of with both of you under one roof)
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you vote divorce. Got it
Such a disingenous response. You know perfectly well that's not what she said.
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post #140 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 01:21 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Keep in mind I started this thread to seek advice on how to deal with the discomfort I live with on a constant basis of my wife's harsh and rude disownment of my mother. The general consensus I got from posters was to work on my marriage first and that there'd be a chance my wife could cease her nastiness towards my mother later on. So this is what I'll focus on for now.
That sounds like a great plan to me. I firmly believe that once your wife senses that you "have her back" and will not let others (including yourself) tear her down and tell her how she *should* respond to things........she will feel "safe" to go anywhere with you. The only reason she wouldn't is if there's too much damage that's been done. Fourteen years is a long time with unresolved conflict.
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post #141 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 01:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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This issue itself is an ongoing "intrusion".....and it has to do with your mother. Maybe from *your* perspective there is no intrusion......but, sincerely, I would advise you to ask your wife how she feels about it.

You already mentioned that a few days before writing this thread, your mom was coming from two hours away, and your wife "found out" she was coming......so, your wife left home (to be avoid your mother). Had you been the one to inform her? Why didn't you first ask your wife how she felt about your mother coming to your home? That is one example of an "intrusion" (regardless of how you see it......because I'm speculating your wife saw it as such. Most people don't like having to scurry out of their own home) Your home should be a "safe place" for all of you (you.....your wife.....your children).
true, yes I didn't know they were coming. The were coming our way while they were going to catch a plane and thought it would be convenient to drop off the presents at the same time. They called me en route so that I could warn my wife. They then proceeded to dump the presents in the driveway so as not to intrude on or offend my wife (who wasn't there anyways)...
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post #142 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 01:33 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

Uncool......you said this in response to the article speaking about not standing on your spouse's side is a betrayal:

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agreed, and I do feel betrayed my my spouse
Is it because you are in a sexless marriage that makes you feel betrayed? Or what?
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post #143 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 01:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

see this is the crap I hate! (see my reply to post #141 above)
I'm so sick of these huge giant @*^&# ing eggshells! its ridiculous, my kids think it's ridiculous and it has to stop!! If I were married to a loving wife who respected me and showed me love from time to time.. then I might have a different attitude! but she treats me like a freaking room mate AND expects me to put up with the disrespect she dishes out to anyone but her own family. My anniversary is coming again this month and I know she's going to blow me off again..... I'M DONE !

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post #144 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 01:36 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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true, yes I didn't know they were coming. The were coming our way while they were going to catch a plane and thought it would be convenient to drop off the presents at the same time. They called me en route so that I could warn my wife. They then proceeded to dump the presents in the driveway so as not to intrude on or offend my wife (who wasn't there anyways)...
After they had called you to let you know they were on their way.....*how* did you wife find out they were coming by? It's not really up to them to not intrude......it's up to you to make sure they abide by boundaries that your wife feels comfortable with (not that your wife "rules"......but, it's her home as well.....and her privacy ought to be respected). Same thing about not inviting your brother to your home (alone with your children)....that's respecting everyone involved.
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post #145 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 01:43 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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see this is the crap I hate! (see post #141 above)
I'm so sick of these huge giant @*^&# ing eggshells! its ridiculous and my kids think it's ridiculous and it has to stop!! If I were married to a loving wife who respected me and showed me she respected me and loved from time to time.. then I might have a different attitude! but she treats me like a freaking room mate AND expects me to put up with the disrespect she dishes out to anyone but her own family. I'm done !
Then.....face it all head-on with your wife. Unravel it all.....get *all* the feelings out there in the open. It's not really "walking on eggshells" to value your wife's sense of privacy and security in her own home.

You're using adjectives like, "loving wife" (and suggesting your wife *isn't*).....I think that's unfair. You seem to be gauging her love for you on how she accepts (or rejects) your mom (and your saying that's only 3 times/year).

I imagine she feels the same way (that she'd like a husband that loves and accepts her as well). In order for it to be healed.....you *have to* go back to where the "infection" began----dig it out---expose it (discuss all the gory details....allowing each person to have their say, without judgment or criticism of how they feel....not arguing feelings)----and get rid of it (resolve things in a way where you have a plan that appeals to *both* of you).

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post #146 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 01:53 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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They then proceeded to dump the presents in the driveway so as not to intrude on or offend my wife (who wasn't there anyways)..
This sounds passive aggressive.....and that actually provokes (naturally) anger in you (and......you in turn direct that anger towards you wife). That's not fair to her. You ought to be angry with them (for not handling that in a mature way that respects everyone----including YOU).
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post #147 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 01:55 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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My anniversary is coming again this month and I know she's going to blow me off again..... I'M DONE !
"My anniversary"? Isn't it "our" anniversary?
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post #148 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 01:56 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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This sounds passive aggressive.....and that actually provokes (naturally) anger in you (and......you in turn direct that anger towards you wife). That's not fair to her. You ought to be angry with them (for not handling that in a mature way that respects everyone----including YOU).
What is not mature about droping off presents and not coming into the house? Seems to me that he parents did respect his wife's wishes by not coming into the house.

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post #149 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 02:18 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

Dumping gifts in the driveway? Extremely immature. Why not mail them? Why not request that the husband meet them at another location that was not his house? Surely they knew they had a plane to catch well in advance of that morning? That behavior is nothing short of petulant.
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post #150 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 02:25 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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What is not mature about droping off presents and not coming into the house? Seems to me that he parents did respect his wife's wishes by not coming into the house.
My first thought reading that is; another example of respect being shown by one side only. Repect from OP to disassociate from his family to a large degree, respect from the mother to want to get past this (if we believe that which I'm starting to), respect of the parents to bring the presents but not come in the home thier not welcomed in even though she wasn't there. That last one's called self respect by the way.

There's a lot more projection going on in this thread than I've seen in a while. I guess it makes sense as MILs are notoriously difficult and husbands are notorious for not standing by their wifes over mom. In this case though, we're talking about uncool, his wife, his mother, his family. Not other MILs who we all know can be impossible. We're also talking about an extremely long time to hold a grudge and a sexless marriage.

uncool, when you think in terms of NEVER (my kids will never have divorced parents, I'll never spank, I'll never fill in the blank) you set yourself up for disaster. There's a certain level of cooporation that's just needed by both partners and it can't be made up for by one trying extra hard. I think you need to be willing to lose your wife and very content that it may happen. If she and you are both willing to meet half way and if divorce on the table as an option then you have something to work with. As it stands, you've lasted longer than most would have expected.

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