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post #16 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 03:45 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

One last attempt- WHAT EXACTLY did your mother say to your wife and did you PERSONALLY witness the apology???

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post #17 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 03:54 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

I agree with the others. The fact that he's not willing to say what was said implies that it must have been pretty unforgivable. And the fact that he continues to go there for holidays, abandoning his wife, seems to say that he values his mother much more than his wife.
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post #18 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 03:57 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Originally Posted by Dad&Hubby View Post
I don't care what was said (within reason), if his mother has apologized, it's time for the wife to FRIGGING GROW UP and be an adult. His family IS her family. They have kids. She can't keep doing this to her family because she's THAT PETTY and can't let go of a grudge. At SOME point, you have to mend fences in a family (unless something truly disturbing happened like abuse).
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post #19 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 04:24 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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My wife and I already have a rocky marriage that I've been trying to fix for years. I think she associates me with the hate she has for my mother. How do I start mending this?
You can't. Fix it yourself, I mean. And your OP doesn't add up. Here's what I've come away with: your wife hates your mother. HATES her. You mother likes, or wants to like your wife. Your mother said something 14 years ago that was the catalyst for your wife to cut all ties with your parents. You either don't know what was said, got it second-hand from your wife, or don't want to repeat what was said.

You can't fix a rocky marriage by yourself. Somebody isn't being honest in this scenario. But all anyone can do at this point is spitball because you refuse to divulge what was said.

So you are speculating that your wife is projecting some of the hate she harbors for your mother onto you. Then I'll assume your wife kinda hates you too. If that's the case, without your wife's participation in helping an ailing marriage, I think you are going to be a lonely man.

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

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post #20 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 05:26 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

Another thought I had is.........I'm not sure how the conclusions were drawn about your wife "hating" your mom.....and your mom "liking" your wife. It's a pretty common tactic for a person that doesn't have true remorse to be the one to say things like....."I sure do miss Sally Sue......" when they (not saying your mom does this....just that it's possible)....are the ones that caused the rift in the first place and are the very reason that Sally Sue doesn't feel safe to come around the group any longer.

It sounds like your mom has loads of support (including you....OP)....but, who has your wife's back? It seems that your wife has become the scape goat.

Last edited by mkgal1; 08-28-2014 at 06:41 PM.
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post #21 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 06:42 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Originally Posted by mkgal1 View Post
Another thought I had is.........I'm not sure how the conclusions were drawn about your wife "hating" your mom.....and your mom "liking" your wife. It's a pretty common tactic for a person that doesn't have true remorse to be the one to say things like....."I sure do miss Sally Sue......" when they (not saying your mom does this....just that it's possible)....the ones that caused the rift in the first place, are the very reason that Sally Sue doesn't feel safe to come around the group any longer.

It sounds like your mom has loads of support (including you....OP)....but, who has your wife's back? It seems that your wife has become the scape goat.
EXACTLY what my MIL did until my H finally wised up.
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post #22 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 07:25 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Originally Posted by Dad&Hubby View Post
I don't care what was said (within reason), if his mother has apologized, it's time for the wife to FRIGGING GROW UP and be an adult. His family IS her family. They have kids. She can't keep doing this to her family because she's THAT PETTY and can't let go of a grudge. At SOME point, you have to mend fences in a family (unless something truly disturbing happened like abuse).
Well, obviously you are a reasonable person.

What is not reasonable is the husband who is currently telling this story to start in the middle instead of the beginning. You also have all the intermediary development on what the "apology" was, exactly.

"I'm sorry you're such a worthless daughter in law who can't take a joke, and I miss you so terribly because we like to make fun of how retarded you are..."

mkgal1 Made another catch I missed. Leaving the wife at home and going to the family dinner alone is not showing that you put the wife first. But then again, I say the same thing when I fly with my mistress to the carribean: I make it clear that my wife comes first.

I really don't know how to call this with such a sketchy accounting. If a person really wants help from others, they pour out the details.

On the other hand when we try to paint someone as bad, we often provide a stylized framing that omits game-changing details.
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post #23 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 07:28 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

He went to Thanksgiving dinner after 8 years of not going... so ya, he supported wife.
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post #24 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 07:37 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

I'm all for choosing "wife" when it come to wife versus mom but this is confusing. Fourteen years is a long long time when one of the parties wants to reconcile. Plus wanting you and the kids to see grandma yet having such disdain is puzzling to me.

There has to be other signs in her life where similar behavior has appeared. Tell me there is or I'll be even more puzzled. I'm thinking maybe some form of OCD where not seeing your mother is the compulsion.

Curious indeed.

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post #25 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 07:48 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

I'm posting this because of the speculation and negative remarks that are starting because uncool (the OP) has not posted what his mother said.

Uncool is not trying to hide anything.

He PM'd me and told me what his mom said. What was said is related to something very private to the entire family, his extended family and his immediate family, and he's concerned about posting it here. I have suggested that he post it so he's thinking about doing that.

I can understand his reluctance to post but think it would be beneficial for him if he does.

It's not my place of course to divulge what was told to me in private.

I will hold of on any other comments until he does or does not post.

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post #26 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 08:35 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Uncool is not trying to hide anything.
My eyes are working perfectly, thanks. Yes, he is. See how right we were?

Having "reasons" for it doesn't change the fact he is hiding it.

You can't have it both ways: asking for input but concealing something relevant. If you aren't prepared to tell the full story, then don't be asking for input.
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post #27 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 08:49 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Originally Posted by Wiserforit View Post
If you aren't prepared to tell the full story, then don't be asking for input.
Or expect uninformed and speculative and frustration responses at the very least.

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post #28 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 09:09 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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EXACTLY what my MIL did until my H finally wised up.
Glad he finally saw it.......that's such a subtle way to give the impression of "I'm the kind and innocent one" .....and the other person "just has a chip on their shoulder and continues to harbor a grudge against poor innocent me." Sometimes we ought to dig a bit deeper to get to the truth (like it sounds like your husband did).
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post #29 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 10:14 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wiserforit View Post
You can't have it both ways: asking for input but concealing something relevant. If you aren't prepared to tell the full story, then don't be asking for input.


And I don't see what the point is of announcing to those who took the time to respond that one poster KNOWS the inside details from a PM. A PM means PRIVATE. Sorry, but I-know-something-you-don't-know sounds unnecessary.

Fine by me. If the information is that priviledged, then the OP should consider going to the private members forum or seeing a professional counselor. This is a public internet site.

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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post #30 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 10:50 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Originally Posted by Prodigal View Post


And I don't see what the point is of announcing to those who took the time to respond that one poster KNOWS the inside details from a PM. A PM means PRIVATE. Sorry, but I-know-something-you-don't-know sounds unnecessary.

Fine by me. If the information is that priviledged, then the OP should consider going to the private members forum or seeing a professional counselor. This is a public internet site.
I don't think he realized when he posted here that people would ask for detail. Not everyone lives on forums an realizes how other posters will jump on anything and just start twisting it.
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