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post #46 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 08:26 AM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Originally Posted by Cosmos View Post
It's good that your H finally saw through his mother, but sad that it was necessary for him to do so. Do you think she'll mend her ways? Hopefully, her son is more important to her than point scoring and playing games with you.
No. She will not. She is PA and sees nothing wrong with anything she does and always plays the victim. Thats what Im saying to OP- perhaps the side of your mother youre seeing isnt the side she's showing your wife???? Just a thought.

My MIL swore she'd apologized to me for something when in reality what she said was "im sorry you took it that way".....THAT is NOT an apology. Especially when she followed it up with sticking to her original statement....

So OP just bc your mother is sweet and gentle with you(and perhaps manipulative) it doesnt mean thats the way she treats her DIL. In fact, she could feel threatened by being dethroned by your wife as queen B as Thundarr said. She could be being very PA when you arent looking. Is that possible?

ANd nothing against Elegirl-but I think its a crock to come tell half the story and expect any intelligent responses. JMO.


Last edited by canttrustu; 01-22-2013 at 08:32 AM.
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post #47 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 10:15 AM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

Well - given that I don't know what the trigger comment was, like most of the other posters, it's difficult for me to And though I know I'm stepping into potential flame territory from the "just get over it" folks - I'll comment, I'm in OPs wife's shoes.

I am a DIL who no longer sees my in-laws, nor have I seen them for I guess about two and half years now. But for me, it wasn't one single comment. It was a series of them from the first time we met. Every single time I was around her, she said something or did something incredibly hurtful and disrespectful - which while some might seem quite petty to a casual observer, they all combined to make it painfully clear that I was not welcome or accepted. That I indeed was not part of the family, that I was only begrudgingly allowed to be around.

Which for me was compounded by the fact that when these comments were made, my husband never said anything. And thus not only did I feel shunned and embarrassed by the public ridicule, but then abandoned to fend for myself as well. If and when we have discussed it, I got the "she can't help it, it's just the way she is" thing - telling me he saw nothing wrong with it. Or - that it didn't matter it was wrong - she had an excuse.

Which - if your wife is angry at you in connection with your mother's comments, it's possible that she has the same feelings. Which yes, not visiting is supporting her in one way, but - it's different. It's different than supporting her in the moment. So how did you react when this original exchange was made from your mother to your wife? How did everyone else react? Was this done in front of your entire family? When she no doubt talked to you about it after the fact, what did you say? Did you tell her "it's not that big a deal" or "it's just how she is" - which could be interpreted as dismissing her feelings as invalid.

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Can't blame my dad for sticking up for his woman... as I'd do the same if I were him.
So - did you do the same? What was your participation in this original row? Which you might not want to get into either, but - this might be what spoke volumes to your wife more than what your mother said. It was how you were or weren't going to support her in their presence. That it caused a breech in trust between you - that she couldn't trust for you to "have her back." Which isn't something that is easily "just gotten over."

Without more information though, it is indeed difficult to surmise, that's one possible string of thought though.
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post #48 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 10:22 AM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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I'm not saying that this is the case with the OP's mother, but some people are very clever at keeping a rift going without appearing to be the instigator.
Exactly. Well put.
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post #49 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 10:27 AM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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It's very difficult to win with people like this because they play the game so well.
So true.........so, typically the only good solution is to have no contact. You shouldn't be accused of being rude when you aren't even present (but, even *that* ----her absence----is being spun as "treating my mom like crap").
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post #50 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 10:49 AM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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But I have to be fine going to my wife's folks whom she loves.
I just caught this from the OP. What do you mean by this, Uncool? Do you resent going to your wife's parents events?

How many years have you been married, BTW? There seems to be this "your family" and "my family" thing going on. That seems odd to me after many years of marriage (and four children).

......and this:

Quote:
My folks live 2hrs away. The other day my mom called to say that they were on the way to our house to drop off some christmas presents. My wife found out they were coming and hurried and left so she wouldn't be here when they got here. It's very difficult for me to tell my folks that they are not allowed in our house.
So.....because it's "difficult"......it seems that you don't say anything about them coming into your home? Instead.....your wife has to scurry out of her own home ("own" with you and your children, of course)? And it sounds as if you're blaming your wife for leaving (her home).........why not consider that from two hours away, your parents could have respected your wife and maybe offered to meet you somewhere like a coffee shop---somewhere where your wife wouldn't be inconvenienced or run out of her own home.

Last edited by mkgal1; 01-22-2013 at 11:01 AM.
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post #51 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 11:02 AM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

Every one of us have seen the dynamic (either lived it or seen it) where MIL just doesn't mind her business. If not with the spouse then it's with the grandkids. We (men) don't see the passive aggressive cat fight and slights as they occur. I've been fortunate in this arena that my wife is viewed as a catch by my mom. She didn't get to see the kids as often though because she flat out couldn't follow rules. I may be her child but I make the rules with my own children. Off soap box.

OP, will your wife and mom not set down with you? Would there be any point in this or would it end with mom denying transgression or not getting true misinterpretation out in the open and wife saying well then screw you.

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post #52 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 11:40 AM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Yep. It only took 17 yrs but he finally caught on. I had stopped attending family functions with him a couple of years before that. And yes, it irritated me every time he went but on the other hand I understood it. The part that made me so mad was that he would get mad at me for not going. Well, then deal with your mother. EVERY time there was an issue between the two of us- it ALWAYS fell on me from him bc he wouldnt say anything to his mother. That built some resentment from me toward him for not defending me to her.

He now sees that he should have. Live and learn, right?
And you also have the wives/husbands who do the same. My ex-wife told my mother to her face, the DAY OF THE WEDDING (obviously not in front of me). "I'll never be part of your family. I already have a family and I'm going to take your son away." And over 3 years of manipulations, she did. I finally woke up and that's where the marriage came to an end (among other things). I wasn't a husband to love. I was a husband to control to my ex-wife.

So before we judge one side or another, lets wait for the facts.

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post #53 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 11:47 AM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

I could also be going way out in left field here, but - part of the bigger problem here seems to be an underlying current in your original post, OP about embarrassment and a desire to not address problems head on. As your post notes in quite a few places how "it's difficult" and "it's uncomfortable" and "I don't want to get into it."

Which, is the same attitude on the thread - that it's a private matter and you don't want to talk about here. Which, is fine ultimately. But - I think this is is one of the core reasons that for 14 years, this issue has never been properly addressed. It's a big open secret - everyone knows the truth (how many people in your family do you feel actually don't know the background at this point) - but no one really talks about it. It almost seems to be a test about what excuse you'll make up about why she's not there, so no one has to get to the heart of the matter - as that would be embarrassing and unpleasant.

Which I'm wondering (again could be totally wrong)- is this a recurring theme in other parts of your life? Do you and the wife have difficulty communicating, because you don't like to have "difficult" or "uncomfortable" conversations - are you avoidant? Is this part of your "rocky" marriage?
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post #54 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 12:04 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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And you also have the wives/husbands who do the same. My ex-wife told my mother to her face, the DAY OF THE WEDDING (obviously not in front of me). "I'll never be part of your family. I already have a family and I'm going to take your son away." And over 3 years of manipulations, she did. I finally woke up and that's where the marriage came to an end (among other things). I wasn't a husband to love. I was a husband to control to my ex-wife.

So before we judge one side or another, lets wait for the facts.
Yes, this is the other side of the coin and it's very sad indeed. It seems to be more prevalent amongst women, and I've never been able to understand it. IMO, if you love someone you're not going to try to test their loyalty by creating mischief in the husband/wife or mother/son relationship.

For some reason, there are some mothers and DILS who see themselves in competition with one another, and the person who ends up being hurt the most is the person they're both supposed to love.

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post #55 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 12:11 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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And you also have the wives/husbands who do the same. My ex-wife told my mother to her face, the DAY OF THE WEDDING (obviously not in front of me). "I'll never be part of your family. I already have a family and I'm going to take your son away." And over 3 years of manipulations, she did. I finally woke up and that's where the marriage came to an end (among other things). I wasn't a husband to love. I was a husband to control to my ex-wife.

So before we judge one side or another, lets wait for the facts.
EVERY word of this is MY experierince. NOT once have I said this IS ABSOLUTELY the way it is for OP. In fact we dont know bc he's disappeared. Wont tell us what she said to his wife. So Im merely saying to him what happened in MY experience when MY H thought his mother was the innocent one.

Of course it happens the other way around. No one doubts that. But we are left to speculate and can only speak of our own experiences bc Op is gone w/o telling us what was said.

Sorry you had this experience with your wife. I would not do this. He was/is free to go and see his family whenever he wishes. I am not obligated to do so nor do they care. NONE of the in laws are accepted in the family. So again, I was merely suggesting that OP CONSIDER rather or not there could be more to the story than his mother is giving. Thats all.

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post #56 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 12:24 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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So before we judge one side or another, lets wait for the facts.
Unfortunately we won't have those. It's one side after all plus he has personal information about what was said not exposed.

In the end though one person sets in the middle and has the most opportunity to fix this. It's OP. He should let mother know that wife comes first and then let wife know that she's number one and she needs to be there for him. If she's treated with disrespect then they both leave. If he sets the tone then everyone knows he and wife are a package deal (including MIL and wife). Where's one of those alpha threads to point to when you need it just kidding.

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post #57 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 01:05 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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This sounds very familiar to me...

I remember seeing my ex-MIL from hell after about 20 years at my son's graduation. She was sweetness and light towards me in front of my son, but the minute his back was turned she deliberately started trying to provoke me. My son loved and defended her to her death, telling me how she only ever praised what a good mother I'd been etc...

I'm not saying that this is the case with the OP's mother, but some people are very clever at keeping a rift going without appearing to be the instigator.
I have had a similar experience (ongoing) with my MIL. With her son (my h) she is the most reasonable, kind, sweet person and never puts a foot wrong, but she has made the most deadly comments and criticisms during the period of our marriage, including in the very early days when I overheard her talk to her daughter about me. She never apologizes, never even seems phased by any of it. At the same time, she has a lapdog in my husband, who slides into role of only son as soon as she come son the radar. It's really creepy and unhealthy.

As the OP isn't willing to talk about what actually happened, I'm not willing to accept that the comment was minor. I can only assume that it was really horrible, and that the apology was not honestly given. (Apologies such as 'I'm sorry that you took it that way' are NOT apologies, for instance.)
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post #58 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 01:10 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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"im sorry you took it that way".....THAT is NOT an apology. Especially when she followed it up with sticking to her original statement....
I swear I didn't read your post before I wrote mine. Maybe we have the same MIL? LOL.
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post #59 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 01:38 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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I swear I didn't read your post before I wrote mine. Maybe we have the same MIL? LOL.
Could be- as Ive said, she doesnt like ANY of the in laws. AND he has brothers soooooo.
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post #60 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 02:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

You all are right. It's hard to share some things on a public forum but I will if there isn't too much flaming involved. I'll put this as delicately as I can.
14 yrs ago my 13 year old brother confessed out of guilt to my father that he had inappropriately touched my 2 yr old daughter during a diaper change. It was tragic for all. My father told me and I told my wife. My mother called the cops and he never did anything like that again. My brother apologized to me the best a 13yr old can. He also wrote my wife and I a letter of apology. I am not saying this should have fixed everything.
The problem is a year or so after ...my mother asked my wife if she was ready forgive and move on so everyone could heal from this. I'm not sure if my wife thought my mom just wanted it for her own social gain or something or what. Yes my mother was an idiot for mentioning such things at that time and should have been more tactful. My mother was wrong. My wife yelled at my mother and called her lots of nasty names. While it hurt to see my mother yelled at... I didn't interject because I felt she deserved it. The my dad didn't like his wife crying so then he got upset that somebody is treating his woman like crap.. and wow... instant mess. (my dad and I reconciled and are very close again) So yeah I'm not standing by my mother. I'm standing by my wife. I've told my wife this many times so she knows. I'm just tired and sad that this will never be resolved and also sad that it's affecting my marriage somehow (I live in a sexless marriage). My wife somehow relates me to my mother. (even though I'm adopted and look and act nothing like my mother)

My brother is now 30 years old and has wife & kids of his own. Do I ever associate and hang out with my brother and his family? NO I do not.

Some may agree this gives my wife a free pass to hate everyone on my side of the family for ever and ever. There is no hope that things will ever be mended. The whole reason for my thread is I need help coping with the eternal hatred my wife has for my side of the family. I've had both my grandparents and an uncle pass away recently and I was chosen to give the eulogy at their funerals. I was extremely close to my grandmother on my fathers side. My wife stayed home. It wasn't even on my mothers side of the family and she still absolutely refuses to be a part of anyones life. My now 17yr old daughter asked me the other day why mom hates grandma so much. I told her I wasn't sure (which wasn't a lie). I'm Mr. tough guy most of the time but I need a wife who stands by her husband and supports him at least some of the times in his life when needs her.

Last edited by uncool; 01-22-2013 at 02:16 PM.
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