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post #61 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 02:15 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

This sort of thing can be very hard to deal with, OP, and it's a pity that there hadn't been some sort of family counseling at the time...

Perhaps your M was insensitive saying what she did to your W, and I'm sure it angered your W a lot, but it's just very sad that all this wasn't put to rest years ago.

Have you considered MC?


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post #62 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 02:23 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

Quote:
Originally Posted by uncool View Post
You all are right. It's hard to share some things on a public forum but I will if there isn't too much flaming involved. I'll put this as delicately as I can.
14 yrs ago my 13 year old brother confessed out of guilt to my father that he had inappropriately touched my 2 yr old daughter during a diaper change. It was tragic for all. My father told me and I told my wife. My mother called the cops and he never did anything like that again. My brother apologized to me the best a 13yr old can. He also wrote my wife and I a letter of apology. I am not saying this should have fixed everything.
The problem is a year or so after ...my mother asked my wife if she was ready forgive and move on so everyone could heal from this. I'm not sure if my wife thought my mom just wanted it for her own social gain or something or what. Yes my mother was an idiot for mentioning such things at that time and should have been more tactful. My mother was wrong. My wife yelled at my mother and called her lots of nasty names. While it hurt to see my mother yelled at... I didn't interject because I felt she deserved it. The my dad didn't like his wife crying so then he got upset that somebody is treating his woman like crap.. and wow... instant mess. (my dad and I reconciled and are very close again) So yeah I'm not standing by my mother. I'm standing by my wife. I've told my wife this many times so she knows. I'm just tired and sad that this will never be resolved and also sad that it's affecting my marriage somehow (I live in a sexless marriage). My wife somehow relates me to my mother. (even though I'm adopted and look and act nothing like my mother)

My brother is now 30 years old and has wife & kids of his own. Do I ever associate and hang out with my brother and his family? NO I do not.

Some may agree this gives my wife a free pass to hate everyone on my side of the family for ever and ever. There is no hope that things will ever be mended. The whole reason for my thread is I need help coping with the eternal hatred my wife has for my side of the family. I've had both my grandparents and an uncle pass away recently and I was chosen to give the eulogy at their funerals. I was extremely close to my grandmother on my fathers side. My wife stayed home. It wasn't even on my mothers side of the family and she still absolutely refuses to be a part of anyones life. My now 17yr old daughter asked me the other day why mom hates grandma so much. I told her I wasn't sure (which wasn't a lie). I'm Mr. tough guy most of the time but I need a wife who stands by her husband and supports him at least some of times in his life when needs her.
Yes, this is an awkward situation, and I understand why you hesitated in posting the details.

It seems to me that your mother did the right things initially--she even called the police on her own 13-year old son. I don't understand the level of hatred coming from your wife for a simple question, especially when that question was about coming to a peaceful resolution. From everything I've read (I've read some of your other posts about your wife), it seems your wife has issues that you cannot resolve alone. If she refuses therapy, there may be no chance for change, especially after so many years.

From this perspective, I don't think that there is any advice anyone here can give beyond, "Cut your losses". I do not take divorce lightly, but based on the deep grudges your wife holds, I think you are in a no-win situation.
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post #63 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 02:29 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

Something here still just isnt adding up. So bc your brother inappropriately touched your daughter 17 yrs ago-your W basically hates you and your MIL????? Thats really what youre saying here. I can most certainly understand her having NOTHING to do wiht your brother-EVER. But I dont understand what that has to do with cutting you off sexually or never speaking to your MIL again????

Surely there is some filler here.....
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post #64 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 02:34 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

I checked your other thread and it seems like you are in sexless marriage for at last 3 years.
I think you should divorce you as you are in sexless marriage and she refuses to tell you what is bothering her.
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post #65 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 02:42 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

This is just conjecture on my part, but I don't think it's just that incident that erupted years ago that's the main issue. I think it's probably an overall feeling that no one is on your wife's side and that she's always expected to "get over it" and "move on". It seems to me that typically the people that suggest that ("let's just move on and get past that") are often the ones that are causing most of the damage.

You talk about this as if it all goes back to 14 years ago......but, you already mentioned a recent encroachement (your mom coming to your home, and your wife being judged for leaving). If there's been pressure for fourteen years that your wife, "just get over the past and move on"......while she is being disrespected (in the present).........that doesn't give a person much security that the future would be any different than the past ever was. To me......it seems that the fourteen year period has only given your wife *more* reason to believe that things aren't going to improve unless someone (hopefully you, OP) stands up for her and understands her perspective.

Last edited by mkgal1; 01-22-2013 at 02:48 PM.
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post #66 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 02:51 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

Quote:
Originally Posted by uncool View Post
You all are right. It's hard to share some things on a public forum but I will if there isn't too much flaming involved. I'll put this as delicately as I can.
14 yrs ago my 13 year old brother confessed out of guilt to my father that he had inappropriately touched my 2 yr old daughter during a diaper change. It was tragic for all. My father told me and I told my wife. My mother called the cops and he never did anything like that again. My brother apologized to me the best a 13yr old can. He also wrote my wife and I a letter of apology. I am not saying this should have fixed everything.
The problem is a year or so after ...my mother asked my wife if she was ready forgive and move on so everyone could heal from this. I'm not sure if my wife thought my mom just wanted it for her own social gain or something or what. Yes my mother was an idiot for mentioning such things at that time and should have been more tactful. My mother was wrong. My wife yelled at my mother and called her lots of nasty names. While it hurt to see my mother yelled at... I didn't interject because I felt she deserved it. The my dad didn't like his wife crying so then he got upset that somebody is treating his woman like crap.. and wow... instant mess. (my dad and I reconciled and are very close again) So yeah I'm not standing by my mother. I'm standing by my wife. I've told my wife this many times so she knows. I'm just tired and sad that this will never be resolved and also sad that it's affecting my marriage somehow (I live in a sexless marriage). My wife somehow relates me to my mother. (even though I'm adopted and look and act nothing like my mother)

My brother is now 30 years old and has wife & kids of his own. Do I ever associate and hang out with my brother and his family? NO I do not.

Some may agree this gives my wife a free pass to hate everyone on my side of the family for ever and ever. There is no hope that things will ever be mended. The whole reason for my thread is I need help coping with the eternal hatred my wife has for my side of the family. I've had both my grandparents and an uncle pass away recently and I was chosen to give the eulogy at their funerals. I was extremely close to my grandmother on my fathers side. My wife stayed home. It wasn't even on my mothers side of the family and she still absolutely refuses to be a part of anyones life. My now 17yr old daughter asked me the other day why mom hates grandma so much. I told her I wasn't sure (which wasn't a lie). I'm Mr. tough guy most of the time but I need a wife who stands by her husband and supports him at least some of the times in his life when needs her.
Here's my question- When do you support and stand by her???? You said they argued and you didnt interfere...does that mean you stood there and let your mother dress your wife down over this very sensitive issue????
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post #67 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 02:56 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

Let's assume the worst and say your wife took something said as some form of acusation. Maybe implication that she neglectfully let her 2 years old be alone with your brother or something like that.

Even with that assumption, why is she married to you if everything about your whole family disgust her so much. Maybe she has been biding her time until the kids are grown which is rediculous to me. As the excape time approaches, she just stops trying.

I hadn't looked at your other threads but my thoughts are a marriage with no sex is only a contract that hasn't been dismantled yet. I don't know if she knows this but the older children get, the more problems they have with mom and dad splitting. Little ones adapt more than big ones. Their whole belief system gets shaken when they're older it seems.

Here I am assuming a lot about your wife's intentions but for the life of me I can come up with any reason why she's been 100% absent from your whole family unless it's been her intent to cut and run when the kids are grown.

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post #68 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 02:56 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

Quote:
My brother is now 30 years old and has wife & kids of his own. Do I ever associate and hang out with my brother and his family? NO I do not
Why don't you associate with your brother? Do you mean he's not at family gatherings.....like Thanksgiving and Christmas? Or do you mean you don't speak to him when he is there? *When* did you cease contact with him?

Last edited by mkgal1; 01-22-2013 at 03:04 PM.
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post #69 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 02:59 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Originally Posted by mkgal1 View Post
Why don't you associate with your brother? *When* did you cease contact with him?
Ummmmmm- because he touched his 2 yr old inappropriately.
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post #70 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 03:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Originally Posted by mkgal1 View Post
To me.....that seems like a contradiction. Did you, your wife, and children celebrate your own Thanksgiving (on a different day)........or was your wife completely left out of any celebration?
In the past 8yrs I was trying to be Mr. nice guy and respect my wifes feelings by having thanksgiving at either her folks house or stayed home and had it alone with our little family. Having it at my grandmothers house has been out of the question.
Well I was sick of my wife's attitude in our marriage over the last year. No sex for 6 months. The refusal to acknowledge or participate in our anniversary etc. And I was tired of her parents thinking nothing was wrong and that their daughter is a perfect angel.
I was also sick of not being able to see any of my cousins, aunts, uncle, nieces, nephews etc for years and years. So I mentioned to my wife that I'd like to take my kids down to great grandmas for thanksgiving and that she was invited also. (I felt I had nothing to loose) She didn't say anything to me until it was time to leave. She just said she wasn't going.

After we left (3hr drive) I called my wife's parents from my cel phone and told them that she was home alone and refused to come with us to thanksgiving. I asked if they'd please invite her over for thanksgiving with them. So yes she wasn't alone. I want her to be happy. She enjoyed the holiday with her family like she does every year. I was SOOOOO glad that I opened up the can of worms with her parents asking me why she wasn't going with me. I just told them to ask her. I then found out that for the past 10yrs every other year they thought she was with my side of the family for thanksgiving. They were shocked when I told them she hadn't seen anyone on my side of the family for the past 9yrs. No longer will I lie and walk on eggshells for her.


Last edited by uncool; 01-22-2013 at 03:13 PM.
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post #71 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 03:13 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Ummmmmm- because he touched his 2 yr old inappropriately.
Well......yes. What I'm getting at is that he understands ceasing contact with someone (and has done so).....but, isn't offering the same understanding to his wife.

That was a one-time incident of an adolescent (that willingly confessed), and I assume hasn't had any problem with any repeat offences. I see that as different than an adult that's characterized as (again....this is speculation)....possibly not seeing things from another's perspective and who disrespects them (continually).
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post #72 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 03:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Here's my question- When do you support and stand by her???? You said they argued and you didnt interfere...does that mean you stood there and let your mother dress your wife down over this very sensitive issue????
my mother didnt dress my wife down. My wife chewed my mothers butt off one day over the phone. My moms ear had to have been bleeding it was so bad. My wife said my mother was crying. I overheard it all.
When haven't I stood by my wife's side? maybe I dont understand what you're saying.
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post #73 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 03:22 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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In the past 8yrs I was trying to be Mr. nice guy and respect my wifes feelings by having thanksgiving at either her folks house or stayed home and had it alone with our little family. Having it at my grandmothers house has been out of the question.
Well I was sick of my wife's attitude in our marriage over the last year. No sex for 6 months. The refusal to acknowledge or participate in our anniversary etc. And I was tired of her parents thinking nothing was wrong and that their daughter is a perfect angel.
The thing is.....there's a difference between "playing the role" of Mr. Nice guy.....and truly understanding and supporting your wife. It (to me) sounds like a points earning thing. I wonder if you remind her of this often (in ways like, "well......I haven't been able to go see my relatives for YEARS because of YOU.")


Quote:
I was also sick of not being able to see any of my cousins, aunts, uncle, nieces, nephews etc for years and years. So I mentioned to my wife that I'd like to take my kids down to great grandmas for thanksgiving and that she was invited also. (I felt I had nothing to loose) She didn't say anything to me until it was time to leave. She just said she wasn't going.
That doesn't sound like true support over the years. I'm sorry to be so blunt. It just sounds like a heap of resentment festering.

Quote:
After we left (3hr drive) I called my wife's parents from my cel phone and told them that she was home alone and refused to come with us to thanksgiving. I asked if they'd please invite her over for thanksgiving with them. So yes she wasn't alone. I want her to be happy. She enjoyed the holiday with her family like she does every year. I was SOOOOO glad that I opened up the can of worms with her parents asking me why she wasn't going with me. I just told them to ask her. I then found out that for the past 10yrs every other year they thought she was with my side of the family for thanksgiving. They were shocked when I told them she hadn't seen anyone on my side of the family for the past 9yrs. No longer will I lie and walk on eggshells for her.
It sounds like they didn't have to ask her, because you had already filled them in (happily so.....because then you could give them the glasses in which to perceive their daughter).
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post #74 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 03:30 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Well......yes. What I'm getting at is that he understands ceasing contact with someone (and has done so).....but, isn't offering the same understanding to his wife.

That was a one-time incident of an adolescent (that willingly confessed), and I assume hasn't had any problem with any repeat offences. I see that as different than an adult that's characterized as (again....this is speculation)....possibly not seeing things from another's perspective and who disrespects them (continually).
Gotcha.
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post #75 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 03:34 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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my mother didnt dress my wife down. My wife chewed my mothers butt off one day over the phone. My moms ear had to have been bleeding it was so bad. My wife said my mother was crying. I overheard it all.
When haven't I stood by my wife's side? maybe I dont understand what you're saying.
Ok. Thats not the way I understood what you wrote. I must need to re read it. My apologies. And btw- no sex for 6 mos is ridiculous under most ANY circumstances IF she wants a marriage at all. JMO.
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