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post #76 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 03:35 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

I think your W has painted herself into a corner after all these years and it's possible that her pride will never let her mend the rift with your family. This is, in my opinion, disrespect on her part after all these years. What your brother did was egregious, but her dispute with your mother could easily have been addressed once the wounds weren't so fresh. She should have tried that for your sake.

I think you have a general problem of dug-in, established attitudes. The sexless marriage also points to serious problems.

You can draw a line in the sand and insist that she go to counseling and that the counseling result in real solutions (or at least good faith effort at solutions).

You have real problems here.

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post #77 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 03:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Originally Posted by Cosmos View Post
This sort of thing can be very hard to deal with, OP, and it's a pity that there hadn't been some sort of family counseling at the time...

Perhaps your M was insensitive saying what she did to your W, and I'm sure it angered your W a lot, but it's just very sad that all this wasn't put to rest years ago.

Have you considered MC?
wife won't go to MC. She will only see our bishop (church leader who councils people). The problem with our relationship is she would't speak to me or communicate with me at all about our marriage. So we went to one session together with our bishop (church leader). I was accused of not being a good listener. So I agreed in advance to have a "roasting" session so to speak. Where she could just lay it all on me while I listened. It was brutal. She told me she's been so cold to me for years hoping that I'd leave her. So I did leave her after that then she begged me to come back. I'm back now but she's being cold again. Topic for another thread. I still love my wife but am learning to fall out of love with her. It's hard but you gotta do it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by canttrustu View Post
Something here still just isnt adding up. So bc your brother inappropriately touched your daughter 17 yrs ago-your W basically hates you and your MIL????? yes Thats really what youre saying here. I can most certainly understand her having NOTHING to do wiht your brother-EVER. But I dont understand what that has to do with cutting you off sexually or never speaking to your MIL again????

Surely there is some filler here.....
yes I don't get it either. I was I had more information of "filler" for you. That's why I'm on this website.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mkgal1 View Post
This is just conjecture on my part, but I don't think it's just that incident that erupted years ago that's the main issue. I think it's probably an overall feeling that no one is on your wife's side and that she's always expected to "get over it" and "move on". It seems to me that typically the people that suggest that ("let's just move on and get past that") are often the ones that are causing most of the damage.

You talk about this as if it all goes back to 14 years ago......but, you already mentioned a recent encroachement (your mom coming to your home, and your wife being judged for leaving). If there's been pressure for fourteen years that your wife, "just get over the past and move on"......while she is being disrespected (in the present).........that doesn't give a person much security that the future would be any different than the past ever was. To me......it seems that the fourteen year period has only given your wife *more* reason to believe that things aren't going to improve unless someone (hopefully you, OP) stands up for her and understands her perspective.
no, my wife is not being judged or disrespected by my mother. I felt I have stood up for her. If I was wrong and I haven't done it good enough, then how should I have done it?

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Originally Posted by canttrustu View Post
Ummmmmm- because he touched his 2 yr old inappropriately.
3 reasons:
- he violated my kid and me (since it was my own blood)
- He's not all "there" in his head and is a weirdo. He operates on about a 12yr old level and isn't someone I relate with.
-because it wouldn't look good to my wife to be buddies with someone who fondled her kid.
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post #78 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 03:44 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Originally Posted by uncool View Post
wife won't go to MC. She will only see our bishop (church leader who councils people). The problem with our relationship is she would't speak to me or communicate with me at all about our marriage. So we went to one session together with our bishop (church leader). I was accused of not being a good listener. So I agreed in advance to have a "roasting" session so to speak. Where she could just lay it all on me while I listened. It was brutal. She told me she's been so cold to me for years hoping that I'd leave her. So I did leave her after that then she begged me to come back. I'm back now but she's being cold again. Topic for another thread. I still love my wife but am learning to fall out of love with her. It's hard but you gotta do it.


yes I don't get it either. I was I had more information of "filler" for you. That's why I'm on this website.

no, my wife is not being judged or disrespected by my mother. I felt I have stood up for her. If I was wrong and I haven't done it good enough, then how should I have done it?

3 reasons:
- he violated my kid and me (since it was my own blood)
- He's not all "there" in his head and is a weirdo. He operates on about a 12yr old level and isn't someone I relate with.
-because it wouldn't look good to my wife to be buddies with someone who fondled her kid.
.....HER kid?????
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post #79 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 04:01 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Originally Posted by mkgal1 View Post
The thing is.....there's a difference between "playing the role" of Mr. Nice guy.....and truly understanding and supporting your wife. It (to me) sounds like a points earning thing. I wonder if you remind her of this often (in ways like, "well......I haven't been able to go see my relatives for YEARS because of YOU.")

That doesn't sound like true support over the years. I'm sorry to be so blunt. It just sounds like a heap of resentment festering.

It sounds like they didn't have to ask her, because you had already filled them in (happily so.....because then you could give them the glasses in which to perceive their daughter).
That comment seems one sided and harsh to me. Fourteen years is too long for two adults not to find common ground. I would have never made it this long in marriage without some kind of compromise between mom and wife.

I'm as deep as a puddle. Holland.
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post #80 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 04:42 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Originally Posted by Starstarfish View Post
I could also be going way out in left field here, but - part of the bigger problem here seems to be an underlying current in your original post, OP about embarrassment and a desire to not address problems head on. As your post notes in quite a few places how "it's difficult" and "it's uncomfortable" and "I don't want to get into it."

Which, is the same attitude on the thread - that it's a private matter and you don't want to talk about here. Which, is fine ultimately. But - I think this is is one of the core reasons that for 14 years, this issue has never been properly addressed. It's a big open secret - everyone knows the truth (how many people in your family do you feel actually don't know the background at this point) - but no one really talks about it. It almost seems to be a test about what excuse you'll make up about why she's not there, so no one has to get to the heart of the matter - as that would be embarrassing and unpleasant.

Which I'm wondering (again could be totally wrong)- is this a recurring theme in other parts of your life? Do you and the wife have difficulty communicating, because you don't like to have "difficult" or "uncomfortable" conversations - are you avoidant? Is this part of your "rocky" marriage?
This is what adds up in my mind (and in speculating). It also seems that there's a lot of criticism and judgement for how she (uncool's wife) responds to things. That makes sincere communication difficult (and could be part of the Bishop's conclusion that was drawn about him being a poor listener.)

Time *doesn't* heal all wounds.......actual resolutions do (validation and a halt to damaging behaviors).
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post #81 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 04:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

I know it's long but here's my time line.

1994 -my wife was great horny girlfriend and dated a year before we got married
-wife quit being horny after wedding never to be horny again but still acted like she loved me for a while
-had kids
1997-mother offended my wife after incident.
1999-wife appeared to get over it a year or so later and attended events with my mother and family for a few years.
2003-had kid#4 wife distanced her self from me emotionaly and physically.
-said it was because she was afraid she would get pregnant again
-2004 bought her a 10yr copper IUD birth control... still nothing
-2006 turns me down for simple weekend dates. told me it was because I was around her to often with my home office
-2007 moved out to an expensive office and was rarely home hoping she'd miss me more. Didn't miss me at all.
-2008 said she hated sex cause she felt fat at 140lbs & wasn't comfortable with her body
-2009 wife started working out twice a day and eating healthy.
-2010 wife is now smoking hot at 106lbs and wears size 1-2
-wife finally says she feels preasured for intimacy and that sex is all I want. I get the message loud and clear and back off completely. I don't touch her for 6-8months
-wife see's a private councelor about her issues. Wife won't even talk to me at all for any reason. I'm broken hearted.
-wife ignores our anniversary and stands me up for the third year in a row. I go out to dinner at her favoriet restaurant alone and give her dozen red roses to the homeless lady on the streat.
-with nothing else to consider but divorce. I am desperate so I sneak a peak at her journal she always writes in for some clue to whats going on with my marriage. She writes that as soon as the last kid is out of the house then she's leaving me. that she can't stand being married and wants to be a single mom. Also writes how happy she'd be if my brother and mother died.
-2011 I get an apartment and move out. Wife doesn't know I've even left for over a week after I'd gone. Didn't even notice all my stuff was gone. I mail her a letter about why I left
-I'm at the deepest low in my whole life.
-single ladies at my new apartment complex take immediate notice in me and start flirting and inviting me over for dinner. It was great! I found out that I wasn't really an unattractive man after all! I still had it! Women were still attracted to me !
-wife cries and begs me to come back
-I move back home
-wife starts acting horny. I don't buy it. I'm disgusted in her
-sex stops after 2 months.
-2012 no interest in sex any more again
-I invite her out on a simple date to go get an icecream. declined. Says she's glad I'm back but not in love with me again yet.
-I get join a program for broken husbands that shows them how to get their wives to like them again. Not working
-wife is still nice and pleasant to me in conversation... just no affection.
-wife is diagnosed with a medical thyroid issue called hashimoto's disease. One of the side effects listed on the disease is "decreased libido". She then says this is why she hates affection. I don't buy it. I think it's an excuse because her sister has hashimotos also but is always affectionate with her husband even in public. She's always kissing and hugging him and take trips w/each other.
-comes to bed with her clothes on even though I have no plans to touch her. Says it's cause she's cold even though I offer to snuggle w/her and warm her up
-tells me the only reason she wanted me to move back in was so the kids wouldn't freak out.
-old girlfriend from highschool contacts me on facebook and tells me she's divorced. Starts sending me private messages hinting how she'd love to find another man. Starts flirting with me in eamil. I enjoy this but I shouldn't right?
-2013 I start posting on this forum again weighing my options

Last edited by uncool; 01-22-2013 at 06:19 PM.
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post #82 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 05:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

Quote:
Originally Posted by mkgal1 View Post
This is what adds up in my mind (and in speculating). It also seems that there's a lot of criticism and judgement for how she (uncool's wife) responds to things. That makes sincere communication difficult (and could be part of the Bishop's conclusion that was drawn about him being a poor listener.)

Time *doesn't* heal all wounds.......actual resolutions do (validation and a halt to damaging behaviors).
No there's not been any criticism or judgement at all besides my posts on this forum.
Communication? I only wish she' communicate with me. I mostly resort to guessing mind reading but it's kinda hard.
Yes she told the bishop I was a poor listener. I told him I'd do whatever it took to get her back. So he set up the meeting for me to "listen" to her. Like I said it was brutal. But I heard her complaints and sat there listened to her w/out speaking back. I took one punch after another. After that session I was even accused of not listening again. I said I heard and comprehended everything she said. I then found out that her definition of listening really meant "agreeing" with her. So the session was mildly successful. I told her I'd work hard at listening to her and thanked for for telling me where to start. And she agreed to talk and communicated with me more so I would know what was going on with her. After a few weeks I asked her for a report of how I was doing and she said I was doing a lot better. (even though I felt I hadn't done anything different than before)

Last edited by uncool; 01-22-2013 at 05:22 PM.
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post #83 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 05:23 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Originally Posted by uncool View Post
-wife starts acting horny. I don't buy it. I'm disgusted in her
-sex stops after 2 months.
I doubt you kept that hidden (even if you wanted to). What'd you come back for, if you weren't going to accept her invitations for sex?

Last edited by mkgal1; 01-22-2013 at 08:14 PM.
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post #84 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 05:24 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Originally Posted by uncool View Post
No there's not been any criticism or judgement at all besides my posts on this forum.
Communication? I only wish she' communicate with me. I mostly resort to guessing mind reading but it's kinda hard.
Yes she told the bishop I was a poor listener. I told him I'd do whatever it took to get her back. So he set up the meeting for me to "listen" to her. Like I said it was brutal. But I heard her complaints and sat there listened to her w/out speaking back. I took one punch after another. After that session I was even accused of not listening again. I said I heard and comprehended everything she said. I then found out that her definition of listening really meant "agreeing" with her. So the session was mildly successful. I told her I'd work hard at listening to her and thanked for for telling me where to start. And she agreed to talk and communicated with me more so I would know what was going on with her. After a few weeks I asked her for a report of how I was doing and she said I was doing a lot better. (even though I felt I hadn't done anything different than before)
I'd be willing to go out on a limb and say that attitude eeks out into your everyday life and interaction with her. This too (I bet she can sense the attitude):

Quote:
old girlfriend from high school contacts me on Facebook and tells me she's divorced. Starts sending me private messages hinting how she'd love to find another man. Starts flirting with me in eamil. I enjoy this but I shouldn't right?
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post #85 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 05:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Originally Posted by mkgal1 View Post
I doubt you kept that hidden (even if you wanted to). What'd you come back for, if you weren't going to accept her invitations for sex?
mkgal I'm sure you're a valuable asset to this forum but I believe you jump to conclusions to easily.
My wife and I were both virgins until after we got married. Somebody can be horny and not have sex. Are you still disgusted with my wife now ?



.


Last edited by uncool; 01-22-2013 at 06:12 PM.
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post #86 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 05:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Originally Posted by mkgal1 View Post
I'd be willing to go out on a limb and say that attitude eeks out into your everyday life and interaction with her. This too (I bet she can sense the attitude):
You can think that all you want. But I know inside myself that I'm not. I'm actually a pretty mellow quiet guy. I'm the one who's been pretty quiet while i've had to put up with attitude from my wife. My wife is the controlling type that can't control her mouth most of the time.



.

Last edited by uncool; 01-22-2013 at 06:13 PM.
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post #87 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 06:10 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

Everyone here has a right to their opinions. I may not agree with them, but they have a right to say what they feel.

uncool, I feel for you. You sound like a stand-up, decent man. What your brother did was reprehensible. Your mother did the right thing in reporting it to the police.

What bothers me so much is your brother committed this disgusting act. Nobody else did. He alone owns that; not your entire family.

Okay, your mom might have said the wrong thing at the wrong time. But your wife is holding some extremely deep resentments, IMO. You've mentioned several times that your wife has seen the bishop. I'm making an assumption that you are a member of a Christian denomination. Please correct me if I am wrong.

So, uncool, are you committed to staying in a sexless marriage with your wife? Please believe me ... if you are, I'm not going to rag on you. Your life. Your choices.

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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post #88 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 06:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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EI'm making an assumption that you are a member of a Christian denomination.... are you committed to staying in a sexless marriage with your wife? Please believe me ... if you are, I'm not going to rag on you. Your life. Your choices.
yes christian

not so much that I love a sexless marriage.. but that I keep thinking it will change. She keeps giving me little glimmers of hope leading me on I guess. Yes I suppose its the price I'm paying for trying to keep my family together.
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post #89 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 06:19 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

This is a really deep problem. And - like other posters I seriously doubt this is solvable without counseling - both marriage counseling and potentially individual counseling.

Also - if the daughter previously mentioned was the abused child, and when she asks why her mother dislikes grandma and you said you aren't sure - does this mean this hasn't been discussed with her? As a lot of people can attest to on this thread - previous sexual abuse can crop up later. Has this been considered? Who knows the age at which people remember those kinds of things.

Also - with the new information, you have a lot more going on here than your wife not liking your mother. You two don't communicate, you don't have sex, and don't seem to basically like one another. You are moving towards potential EA territory with your now divorced ex on Facebook, you enjoyed telling her parents how awful she is.

This sounds like kind of a mess, and unless you are both willing to go to counseling and/or in other ways look to address it - I'm honestly unsure what else can be done.
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post #90 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 07:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Originally Posted by Starstarfish View Post
This is a really deep problem. And - like other posters I seriously doubt this is solvable without counseling - both marriage counseling and potentially individual counseling. Agreed

...You two don't communicate oh I communicate plenty, but yes there's not a normal 2-way communication where she participates

You are moving towards potential EA territory with your now divorced ex on Facebook no i wouldn't have sex w/anyone unless I was married to them

you enjoyed telling her parents how awful she is. huh ? well I'd like to but no I haven't done that
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