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post #106 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-23-2013, 12:19 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Originally Posted by uncool View Post
ok gottcha and I apologize for thinking you meant something else

yes I was disgusted at her sudden fake sex drive just to get me back. I had to explain to her that orgasm isn't why I left her.




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Didn't you say you had come back......and, that she was "horny" and you weren't "buying it"? Why'd you assume it was fake and with ill motive? Maybe it was sincere?

What I had asked is.....why did you come back if you were going to reject her and were "disgusted" by her? (I apologize if I have the timing of the events off). I just don't believe that contempt (which is what disgust is) can possibly reside with genuine love. It's a hostile environment.....and something has to give or else it's just going to continue to be more of the same. I'm not attacking you.....but, I sincerely believe it should begin with you. In all honesty, your posts don't read that you are putting your wife's emotions and needs above your family of origin.

May I ask you something? It seems that your father is overbearing and doesn't allow for his wife (your mom) to get upset (speculating again....I admit I can be off). Were you allowed to express yourself growing up? If you thought rules were unfair (or harsh)...........could you discuss that with your parents? Did you feel "heard" and understood?

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post #107 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-23-2013, 02:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Didn't you say you had come back......and, that she was "horny" and you weren't "buying it"? Why'd you assume it was fake and with ill motive? Maybe it was sincere? it's because I found out it was fake and it did disgust me. She was on a rant last month and told me the only reason she asked me to come back was so the kids wouldn't freak out with me gone. So I felt that meant me moving back wasn't for her at all.

What I had asked is.....why did you come back if you were going to reject her and were "disgusted" by her? i wasnt planning on rejecting her at all. At that time I felt it was genuine but found out later it was a ploy I just don't believe that contempt (which is what disgust is) can possibly reside with genuine love. you're right It's a hostile environment.....and something has to give or else it's just going to continue to be more of the same. I'm not attacking you.....but, I sincerely believe it should begin with you. In all honesty, your posts don't read that you are putting your wife's emotions and needs above your family of origin. sorry it appears that way. How does it come across that way?

May I ask you something? It seems that your father is overbearing and doesn't allow for his wife (your mom) to get upset no, she can get upset... trust me I grew up with her and have learned to repect her Were you allowed to express yourself growing up? sort of as long as i didn't disrespect either of them If you thought rules were unfair (or harsh)...........could you discuss that with your parents? yes to a degree Did you feel "heard" and understood? yes
My parents were both very loving and told me they loved and appreciated me a lot while I was growing up. (just like their parents did to them) Very close knit & religeous family. My father was always very protective of my mother which isn't a bad thing. Whereas my wife's family seems to be similar but has streaks of bickering, disowning and hate on other relatives who cross them which is part of where my wife learned bad behavior. She thinks her parents are angels and has a hard time when I explain their short comings.
I had been hurt in previous dating relationships before I was married which is part of the reason I waited for a year before I agreed to marry my wife. I wanted to take a step back and make darn sure she was what I wanted and that her family wasn't too weird. All seemed good at that time.

Last edited by uncool; 01-23-2013 at 02:49 PM.
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post #108 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-23-2013, 03:02 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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My parents were both very loving and told me they loved and appreciated me a lot while I was growing up. (just like their parents did to them) Very close knit & religeous family. My father was always very protective of my mother which isn't a bad thing. Whereas my wife's family seems to be similar but has streaks of bickering, disowning and hate on other relatives who cross them which is part of where my wife learned bad behavior. She thinks her parents are angels and has a hard time when I explain their short comings.
It seems to me that you believe that your parents are wonderful, and hers not so much, and you haven't hesitated to open her eyes to her parents shortcomings. It's a shame that no matter how wonderful your parents are, it didn't stop your mom from crossing the line when it came to advising your wife how to react to the abuse of her grandchild.

You can't force forgiveness. It is freely given, or not at all. If your wife isn't willing to forgive - which evidently she isn't - you have to move on from there in your marriage, which means fixing your marriage, and not your wife's relationship with your mom.
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post #109 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-23-2013, 03:21 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Whereas my wife's family seems to be similar but has streaks of bickering, disowning and hate on other relatives who cross them which is part of where my wife learned bad behavior. She thinks her parents are angels and has a hard time when I explain their short comings.
My wife's family (first marriage) was like that. It was a competition to see who in the family could hold their nose higher without drowning. And they didn't need much to be proud of either. It felt to me like they truly wanted the others to be broken or else they couldn't be happy. My wife included.

I'm gonna pat myself the back for not being where you are uncool and for not repeating the same disaster the second time around. Genuinly nice and respectful is so underrated. Even on TAM there are many who say they're nice to hubby or wife as if it's a prize. Isn't that what we are normally supposed to be. You need to be with a good hearted nice respectful person who's even more respectful to you.

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post #110 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-23-2013, 03:25 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Uncool,

Here’s my take on this situation.

You and your wife have every right in the world to be upset with your brother and since you know him, you two can of course decide if you think he’s grown beyond something very bad he did as a 13 yr old.

But your wife’s many year hate of your mother, who did the right thing in calling the police, makes no sense at all really. Her attacking your mother in the manner you describe was also out of hand. But I think your wife has learned that this anger is very useful to her. It’s a big club that she gets to beat you up with often and she can control you and your world with it.

Your wife has used this incident with your mother to not only stop all of her contact with your family but to make it near impossible for you have relationships with anyone in your family.

When a person clings to anger, it’s usually because the anger gives them some kind of power or control. Her is directed at your mother (and thus your entire extended family) and you. She’s also negatively influencing your friendships. The net effect is that this gives her tremendous control/power. She is controlling you, keeping your tied to her because you have lost a lot of your external support system. This is something that emotionally abusive people do. Once you are isolated she can mistreat you and you have not one to turn to for support. Her control is complete.

She’s done a good job of this as well. She’s mean, cold, withholds all sex and affection, etc etc. And you stay because you have been beat down by this.

The reason that she will not tell you what’s going on with her, won’t go to counseling, won’t work to improve things is that she likes this isolated world she controls. She’s in her comfort zone.

I think what you did on the holidays was a very good thing. When a person is as disrespectful and mean to their spouse as your wife is, they should be exposed to the world in a similar manner that we often advise people to expose their WS. Generally when a person is mistreated by their spouse they hide it to the world. They tell no one. This actually helps the disrespect and mistreatment to continue. So your wife has been cutting you off from your extended family for years. But she hid it from her family, even to the point of misleading them into thinking that you both were spending the holidays with your family. She does not want her family to know what she’s doing. This is a very telling thing.

Your wife is not going to stop this behavior. You cannot change her. You can only change the way you interact with her.
There are several things that I see that make me think that divorcing her is your best bet. She refuses to even discuss the problems, much less work on them. Her disrespect and abuse of you is getting worse as time goes on. Your marriage is now sexless.. this is a form of spousal abuse by her. She has written things in her diary that make it clear that she is just using you for support right now. And you are profoundly unhappy. These are all good reasons to leave.

Also you say that in her diary she talks about leaving you when the children are out of high school. That translates to “she will stay around and barely put up with you” until our marriage is considered long term by the courts. Then she will get lifelong spousal support. What a deal for her. Not such a good deal for you.

I don’t know what state you live in, but in some of them if you have been married over 20 years then lifelong spousal support is reality. Does she work outside the home? If so what % of the joint income does she earn? In some cases you could end up having to give her 1/3 to ½ of your income for the rest of your life while she would not be required to work at all.

This is a woman who does not seem to have any love for you. Why would she stay uncles there is a gain for her in doing so?

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post #111 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-23-2013, 04:56 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

I read through until pg. 6 when it seemed like things were devolving, so I may end up repeating something someone else has said. If so, I apologize.

It sounds to me like you have two things going on. One is your wife's resentment over you, and one is your wife's reaction to what happened to your child.

Because she resents you, it will make progress on the second matter difficult.

I'll go out on a limb and say that it also sounds to me like your wife was touched inappropriately by someone and that she wasn't well-supported but instead, was told to move on and forget about it.

It's not really your mom that she's angry about. It's about her own feelings of helplessness. Staying away and being hostile help her feel like she has some control over something that is simply TOO BIG for her to deal with directly.

The only way I can think of to make any progress MIGHT be to sit down and tell your wife you want to support her the best you can as you ask for some support from her for your daughter and you. You can explain that her ongoing hostility has been noticed by daughter, and that it's putting you in a difficult position and you need your wife's input to address it. Explain that you don't know how to explain the hostility to your daughter, and ask her what she'd have you say. This can open the way to understanding where she's at. Ask a LOT of questions and dig into it as much as you can without passing judgment in any way. When you've exhausted the subject, tell her what you believe she's tried to explain using your own words. Once she feels that you understand, you can consider whether to leave things as they are or ask for some small step toward reconciliation.

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post #112 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-23-2013, 05:03 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Originally Posted by KathyBatesel View Post
The only way I can think of to make any progress MIGHT be to sit down and tell your wife you want to support her the best you can as you ask for some support from her for your daughter and you. You can explain that her ongoing hostility has been noticed by daughter, and that it's putting you in a difficult position and you need your wife's input to address it. Explain that you don't know how to explain the hostility to your daughter, and ask her what she'd have you say. This can open the way to understanding where she's at. Ask a LOT of questions and dig into it as much as you can without passing judgment in any way. When you've exhausted the subject, tell her what you believe she's tried to explain using your own words. Once she feels that you understand, you can consider whether to leave things as they are or ask for some small step toward reconciliation.
I agree with this. This issue has to be sorted out between husband and wife, without all this family stuff constantly being intruded.
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post #113 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-23-2013, 05:17 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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it's because I found out it was fake and it did disgust me. She was on a rant last month and told me the only reason she asked me to come back was so the kids wouldn't freak out with me gone. So I felt that meant me moving back wasn't for her at all.
I don't think it's a bad thing to put the children's needs above our own. If it was all about me, I would be long gone, but I feel that my children are better off with both of us under one roof and we will be sharing those children FOREVER- graduations, weddings, grandchildren...

In my case as a Christian, when I was struggling really hard and wanted in the worst way to be out of my marriage, a verse of the Bible jumped off the page as if God was giving it to me as a personal message "He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children, and the hearts of the children to their parents; or else I will come and strike the land with total destruction.” Mal 4:6
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post #114 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-23-2013, 05:47 PM
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Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
I'm posting this because of the speculation and negative remarks that are starting because uncool (the OP) has not posted what his mother said.

Uncool is not trying to hide anything.

He PM'd me and told me what his mom said. What was said is related to something very private to the entire family, his extended family and his immediate family, and he's concerned about posting it here. I have suggested that he post it so he's thinking about doing that.

I can understand his reluctance to post but think it would be beneficial for him if he does.

It's not my place of course to divulge what was told to me in private.

I will hold of on any other comments until he does or does not post.
If its something this personal and bad, I can understand why the wife avoids the in laws. Words can really hurt and people mean what they say, especially when it slips out.

I can't see how his parents like her now especially that she refuses to see them.

I've had family members do and say some pretty rotten things to me and I have really distanced myself from them.

I'm housebound and I rarely leave the house. This means I miss out on almost all family activities, including holidays. I'll stay home while hubby takes the kids. He's not at all upset since he understands what I go through day to day. It's been this way the last 5 years. This year and other years I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day alone. All other holidays are spent just with our own immediate family.
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post #115 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-23-2013, 06:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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I can't see how his parents like her now especially that she refuses to see them. they don't hate her. They're not like that. They do however feel extremely sad and hurt when she constantly punishes them. They pray for her heart to be softened so that she can know they still love her

I've had family members do and say some pretty rotten things to me and I have really distanced myself from them. I supposed it depends on what they said to you. Have they paid the price yet? Do you plan on ever accepting them and socializing with them? or did they just plain old blow it with you?



Last edited by uncool; 01-23-2013 at 06:44 PM.
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post #116 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-23-2013, 06:28 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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I bet that poor bastard does not look forward to holidays or family functions.
Have you asked him or has he told you about what he tells his family when they ask where you are or how his marriage is doing? or does he love you enough to lie for you and tell them that you're sick or something? Have any of your children asked him or been curious about why mom never comes? Do you still have a romantic relationship with him? or did you cut him off yet?
She said she is "housebound". Do you know what that means?
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post #117 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-23-2013, 06:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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I don't think it's a bad thing to put the children's needs above our own. If it was all about me, I would be long gone, but I feel that my children are better off with both of us under one roof and we will be sharing those children FOREVER- graduations, weddings, grandchildren...

In my case as a Christian, when I was struggling really hard and wanted in the worst way to be out of my marriage, a verse of the Bible jumped off the page as if God was giving it to me as a personal message "He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children, and the hearts of the children to their parents; or else I will come and strike the land with total destruction.” Mal 4:6
Am I selfish because I crave a normal relationship and my wife to cleave unto her husband? Have you told your husband that if you didn't have kids that you would have left him? or is that a secret? or is he still constantly trying to win your approval?

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Ephesians 5:22
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands

Proverbs 21:19.
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1 Corinthians 7:1-40 (this isn't really a scripture so it doesn't count..it's just peices of a bunch of verses)
Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ...
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post #118 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-23-2013, 06:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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She said she is "housebound". Do you know what that means?
I thought I read household sorry
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post #119 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-23-2013, 07:02 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

I'm going to suggest two book for you that may be of help. They are by Leslie Vernick - The Emotionally Destructive Relationship and How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong. Both books are available at Amazon, I believe. Mrs. Vernick completed her postgraduate work in biblical counseling and cognitive therapy.

Yes, you are quoting that wives are to submit to their husbands. I agree with this. However, men frequently misuse this verse and use it as a get-out-of-jail-free pass to abuse their wives. No, I don't think you are abusing your wife; on the contrary, she seems to be doing that to you.

However (you knew that was coming, didn't you?), there are times when it is prudent to live separate if things really get bad. I'm not one to advocate divorce. That is up to the individual. But I gotta tell ya, uncool, I walked. I couldn't deal with the stonewalling, drama, and other lunacy I witnessed in my marriage. Divorce? No. But sometimes we have to remove ourselves from the situation in order to let God work at softening our partner's heart.

Just a suggestion you might want to chew on. And, P.S., I think Vernick's books might prove very helpful to you.

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post #120 of 288 (permalink) Old 01-23-2013, 11:00 PM
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Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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Am I selfish because I crave a normal relationship and my wife to cleave unto her husband? Have you told your husband that if you didn't have kids that you would have left him? or is that a secret? or is he still constantly trying to win your approval?
Nowhere in scripture is a wife told to "leave and cleave". That is only ever directed to husband. So you are putting the pants on your wife expecting that. It is your responsibility to leave your family of origin (FOO) and cleave to your wife (and "leaving" is much more than physically moving IMO. It means transferring your loyalty from FOO to wife) Your relationship with your mother versus your wife makes me question whether you have done this?

BTW Twas my husband who abandoned me and the children (went home to his mommy's, actually) and eventually came around and decided it was too much to lose. Long story and this is not my thread. But I stand by my opinion that your wife is right to stick with it for the sake of the children.

ETA: JFTR unlike your situation, we have never had a sexless marriage.

Last edited by Blonde; 01-23-2013 at 11:19 PM.
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