Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion
I come from a very sarcastic family... my parents and brothers are always taking jabs at each other, all in good fun.
My wife comes from a very "proper" family. No one made fun of anyone else in their family.
A couple of times my mother said something sarcastic to my wife. Either I didn't hear them or heard them as kidding, funny, joking around types of comments. My wife was deeply offended.
What she was most mad about was that I didn't defend her. She stopped going to family affairs (and since most of her family had passed away, it was only my side that had parties.
I, too, felt uncomfortable trying to make up excuses as to why my wife wasn't there. Eventually we landed in marriage counseling.
Our marriage counselor explained to my wife that the reason she should go to these parties is to be with me. They were important events in my life and part of being a spouse is to support the other spouse.
The other part of it was that my wife's actions were putting me in the middle of my parents and her. This isn't to diminish the feelings she had, but by not going to these functions she was basically telling me to choose between her and my parents. This was something I never did with her parents when they were alive. I did more for her parents than their own son, and never made it an issue (and, therefore, never put my wife in the middle).
My job was to be aware of the comments that might be made and be prepared to defend my wife should the occasion arise.
It was a good compromise and it has worked.
1 - You have to acknowledge your wife's hurt.
2 - You have to assure her that if something is said, you will be there for her. Maybe even promise NEVER to leave her side at these parties.
3 - Let her know that she is putting you in uncomfortable positions, too and that if you are willing to stand by her, she should stand by you.
4 - It may be that while your mother has apologized, did she apologize directly to your wife? Maybe at the next event, your mother should call your wife, explain that she would like to renew their friendship and ask her personally to come to the event. It may be something that only those two can work out.