Wife hates my mom with a passion
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Old 01-21-2013, 02:01 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife hates my mom with a passion

My wife hates my mother so bad that she hasn't seen my folks in many years. My mother said something that offended my wife 14yrs ago and she just festers over it. My mom apologized for it and everything. My folks live 2hrs away. The other day my mom called to say that they were on the way to our house to drop off some christmas presents. My wife found out they were comming and hurried and left so she wouldn't be here when they got here. It's very difficult for me to tell my folks that they are not allowed in our house. It's not fun to go to family reunions and christmas parties anymore because everyone can't understand why my wife's not there. My wife still encourages me to take our 4 kids to be with their grandparents though. I've begun to despise christmas now because I can't stand going stag to my family's events with my aunt's and uncles asking where my wife is. I can't just say "she hates my mom so she doesn't come" because then they'll ask why and I don't want to get in to it. I feel like a single dad. I don NOT put my mother ahead of my wife. This year I decided to taked the kids to thanksgiving dinner at my relatives. (after avoiding thanksgiving invites for the past 8yrs) while my wife stayed home by herself. I've made it very clear I choose my wife over my mother. I see my mom maybe 3 times a year. When my grandparents died she wouldn't attend the funerals because she knew my mom would be there....and I kinda needed a wife's support at the time but I just powered through it. The problem is that it hurts my mom so much (she really likes my wife and want's my wife to like her in return) The deep level of hate and unforgiveness that my wife is teaching my kids is concerning. In fact my teenage daughter asked me the other day why mom hates grandma so bad. Very difficult to answer.
But I have to be fine going to my wife's folks whom she loves.

My wife and I already have a rocky marriage that I've been trying to fix for years. I think she associates me with the hate she has for my mother. How do I start mending this?

Last edited by uncool; 01-22-2013 at 02:18 PM.
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Old 01-21-2013, 02:18 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

What was it that your mother said all those years ago that got your wife so upset?
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Old 01-21-2013, 03:01 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

I have to echo EleGirl, what exactly was it that your mother said to your W?

Thank goodness, however, that your W doesn't try to prevent you or your children from seeing your mother, because this is often the case when there is a rift between DILS and MILS - which is an indicator to me that your W is perhaps not just acting vindictively towards your mother.

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Old 01-21-2013, 05:10 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

All that hate your wife has for your mother is pretty unhealthy. She is not being a good role model to your children.
14 years is a long time not to forgive someone. My mother law did something horrible to my wife. I was angry for many
years but after a while I knew I had to let it go. I forgave but didn't forget.
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Old 01-21-2013, 06:34 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

All of us are human and need forgiveness from time to time. If your wife is perfect and never needs forgiveness, she must be a real treat to live with. It's hard for me to imagine what your mom might have said to piss your wife off permanently. If my in-laws hired a hit man and tried to bump me off, that'd be a little hard to get over. Molesting or murdering my kid would be a deal-breaker. It's been 14 years. It's time to get over it or put the two in a cage together and let them fight it out to a resolution. Maybe with garden implements.
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:43 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

I'd be the same way as his wife if she'd said she didn't like me. Shrug.
My mother told me I'd never been anything but a problem to her. I don't anticipate ever speaking to her again. There are just some relationships that I know will always have unspoken, toxic stuff and I simply won't participate in that.

I imagine my husband would love to meet my mother, but nope... not gonna happen, at least, not with my help.

I certainly wouldn't require her to plan murder for me to feel justified in writing her out of my life, but I'd hope to weigh the benefit of that against the difficulties it causes for the people I *do* love.
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Old 01-21-2013, 12:31 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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I'd be the same way as his wife if she'd said she didn't like me. Shrug.
but my mother never said she didn't like my wife. It's the opposite. My mother really likes my wife and feels bad that my wife hates her so bad.
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Old 01-21-2013, 12:32 PM   #8 (permalink)
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but my mother never said she didn't like my wife. It's the opposite. My mother really likes my wife and feels bad that my wife hates her so bad.
OP, you haven't told us what your mother said to your W?
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Old 01-21-2013, 12:43 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

My father hated his father for leaving my grandmother for another woman. This happened when my father was 14. He never spoke to him again. His father died maybe 10-15 years ago (I heard through the grapevine) but my father never even acknowledged his death. I've never even seen a picture of him so I don't know anything about him, other than he cheated and left. That kind of hate consumes a person. My dad has lived with depression his whole adult life and I'm sure this has something to do with it.
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Old 01-21-2013, 01:03 PM   #10 (permalink)
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My father hated his father for leaving my grandmother for another woman. This happened when my father was 14. He never spoke to him again. His father died maybe 10-15 years ago (I heard through the grapevine) but my father never even acknowledged his death. I've never even seen a picture of him so I don't know anything about him, other than he cheated and left. That kind of hate consumes a person. My dad has lived with depression his whole adult life and I'm sure this has something to do with it.
It's very sad when children become drawn into this sort of thing. No matter what happened between your grandparents, it shouldn't have been allowed to affect either of their relationships with your father. Any chance of getting your dad to talk things out with a counselor, WOM?
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Old 01-21-2013, 01:20 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

My dad is 70 years old. As far as he's concerned, his father died when he was 14.....56 years ago.
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Old 01-21-2013, 02:06 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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but my mother never said she didn't like my wife. It's the opposite. My mother really likes my wife and feels bad that my wife hates her so bad.
You've been asked numerous times what it was your mother said to the wife and each time you have ignored the question it highlights the oddity of your refusal to address it.

This is, after all, the key question in determining whether your wife's resentment was either reasonable or ridiculous at the outset.

She didn't think her hat was attractive? She thought your wife was a dirty gutter prostitute? What is the reason for you needing to conceal what the wife took offense at?
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Old 01-21-2013, 02:14 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

I come from a very sarcastic family... my parents and brothers are always taking jabs at each other, all in good fun.

My wife comes from a very "proper" family. No one made fun of anyone else in their family.

A couple of times my mother said something sarcastic to my wife. Either I didn't hear them or heard them as kidding, funny, joking around types of comments. My wife was deeply offended.

What she was most mad about was that I didn't defend her. She stopped going to family affairs (and since most of her family had passed away, it was only my side that had parties.

I, too, felt uncomfortable trying to make up excuses as to why my wife wasn't there. Eventually we landed in marriage counseling.

Our marriage counselor explained to my wife that the reason she should go to these parties is to be with me. They were important events in my life and part of being a spouse is to support the other spouse.

The other part of it was that my wife's actions were putting me in the middle of my parents and her. This isn't to diminish the feelings she had, but by not going to these functions she was basically telling me to choose between her and my parents. This was something I never did with her parents when they were alive. I did more for her parents than their own son, and never made it an issue (and, therefore, never put my wife in the middle).

My job was to be aware of the comments that might be made and be prepared to defend my wife should the occasion arise.

It was a good compromise and it has worked.

So...

1 - You have to acknowledge your wife's hurt.

2 - You have to assure her that if something is said, you will be there for her. Maybe even promise NEVER to leave her side at these parties.

3 - Let her know that she is putting you in uncomfortable positions, too and that if you are willing to stand by her, she should stand by you.

4 - It may be that while your mother has apologized, did she apologize directly to your wife? Maybe at the next event, your mother should call your wife, explain that she would like to renew their friendship and ask her personally to come to the event. It may be something that only those two can work out.
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Old 01-21-2013, 03:28 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife hates my mom with a passion

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This year I decided to take the kids to thanksgiving dinner at my relatives. (after avoiding thanksgiving invites for the past 8yrs) while my wife stayed home by herself. I've made it very clear I choose my wife over my mother
To me.....that seems like a contradiction. Did you, your wife, and children celebrate your own Thanksgiving (on a different day)........or was your wife completely left out of any celebration?

I don't understand how some people perceive avoiding relationships that are thought to be personally toxic as being "hateful". How can no contact be "hateful"?

And.....I'd *also* like to know what was said. Sometimes one sentence (or sentiment) can negate any kindness that had been shown in the past. It can also ruin trust for the future.
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Old 01-21-2013, 03:37 PM   #15 (permalink)
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To me.....that seems like a contradiction. Did you, your wife, and children celebrate your own Thanksgiving (on a different day)........or was your wife completely left out of any celebration?

I don't understand how some people perceive avoiding relationships that are thought to be personally toxic as being "hateful". How can no contact be "hateful"?

And.....I'd *also* like to know what was said. Sometimes one sentence (or sentiment) can negate any kindness that had been shown in the past. It can also ruin trust for the future.
I don't care what was said (within reason), if his mother has apologized, it's time for the wife to FRIGGING GROW UP and be an adult. His family IS her family. They have kids. She can't keep doing this to her family because she's THAT PETTY and can't let go of a grudge. At SOME point, you have to mend fences in a family (unless something truly disturbing happened like abuse).
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