trexy66

I started dating my boyfriend 9 months ago.I had been attracted to him for many years before we met and so when we got together I believed it to be fate and we were meant to be.2 months into the relationship he said something derogatory in bed and I immediatly left and wrote him an email explaining how I thought his comment was very hurtful,he emailed back a day or so later and said he was sorry he was just horney and he did'nt want me to think it was all about sex.He went on to say he enjoyed spending time with me and wanted to continue seeing me but wants to take things slow as rushing in a relationship someone alway's get's hurt and he had been on both sides of that.He said he did'nt want to give any false impressions and that he could be standoffish at times.
He can be quite attentive and other times like he said he can be very standoffish and it drives me crazy as I keep thinking he does not care.
Fast forward to 3 months later,our relationship seemed to be getting better not so slow seeing each other more getting more phone call's even though they only lasted a couple of minutes.I went and told him one night that I was falling in love with him and his responce was Thank you.I felt so stupid and as soon as he left I emailed him to apologise for the bad timing.
I did'nt hear from him for a couple of day's and I thought for sure I had scared him away and that was the end of our relationship but he called and invited me over.When I arrived he greeted me with a big hug and he said sorry for just saying thank you,he said he had very strong feelings for me but had a problem with the love word right now I said no problem and that was the end of the conversation.
If I don't hear from him in a few day's I panic I go into a depression sleeping more and not wanting to eat.I am scared to tell him how I feel as he may think I am coming on too strong and I will push him futher away.
We have been together for 9 months now,no I love you's,no flowers,very rarely do I get a compliment.I am still waiting.I have fallen in love with him for many reasons.
I don't want to feel this way anymore.I am scared to open up to him I feel that if if he gave alittle more I could open up and share my feelings with him.
Is there hope for us when it is taking this long?He is a family man and a workaholic both come before anything else and I heard that his ex wife with whom he was married to for 20 yrs was not to nice to him and just told him out of the blue the marriage was over.I know the longest relationship he has had after his divorce has been 6 months so I feel good that we have made it to 9 months.Sometimes I think he is waiting for me to open up maybe he feels insecure also.Has anyone been in a relationship this long without the man opening up with his feelings.I feel like there should be something I should be doing to help it along but not sure what without hurting the relationship.

Sandy55

"I heard that his ex wife with whom he was married to for 20 yrs was not to nice to him and just told him out of the blue the marriage was over."

Am in a 24 year marriage and I can assure you a wife of 20 years does not tell "him out of the blue the marriage is over...".

Sounds to me like he just likes getting in the sack with you and doesn't want commitment. He is a busy man, kids and workaholic. He also is not likely used to having to work at a relationship that is new.

dcrim

How old are you, Trexy? With a 20 year marriage and assuming 20 when he got married -- that puts him at 40+.

It sounds to me, like Sandy said, he's just with you for the booty call. If he won't say the love word...get rid of him. He's unwilling to commit.

He has problems that drove his xW away. They will ultimately drive you away after a long time of suffering.

__________________
It ain't illegal until you're caught!

trexy66

He is 50 I am 42.When I said his wife just out of the blue left I did'nt mean one day she decided she did'nt want to be in the marriage anymore,from my understanding she thought he was boring.
We do spend quality time together so I don't think it is all about sex and he alway's invites my daughter along as he is very family oriented.I am not making excuses for his lack of affection or his abiltyto to be open emotionally but I think there is an underlying problem and it makes me extremeley insecure.

dcrim

Have the both of you considered counseling? Especially for him.

He needs to be able to say the love word because it's what you need to hear.

Get and read The 5 Love Languages.

__________________
It ain't illegal until you're caught!

MikeSushi

Sorry. that sucks. My mom and dad were married for 12 years and he slept around. I realized my sister was 1 year younger than me but she is my half sister?! ha! yeh....but you know guys will say whatever to get in your pants. Guys are pigs and girls are conniving so it all balances out.

preso

I read it and this is what I think.

You seem to need to work on the relationship with yourself before you date anymore. If I were you I would stop dating a year or two and work on self. You ( hopefully) will not only choose better men but be able to walk away from any jerks with no problem.
The fact you are afraid to open up to him, get angered and cut off the relationship and still date him says more about you needing
to back off dating than it says anything about him.
Remember this:
its not what happens to you in life, but how you react to it....

for some reason you, although this relationship your in shows bad signs, you continue to persue it. It will get nothing but worse from how you describe it so do yourself a favor and break it off and spend some time on yourself so you learn to date and relate better and that your self esteem is intact. Seems from what I read you have some codependency issues.

preso

You are assuming he is emotionally available...
that is a mistake. Fact of it is.... what you see is what you get.
His problem may be....
there is nothing emotionally there. Why would you want to dig?
If he isn't offering it, it may be because he doesn't have it.

827Aug

How long has he been divorced? He doesn't seem to be ready for a serious relationship.

trexy66

He has been divorced for almost 6 years.

preso

Listen to your instincts that somethings wrong... we have instincts to protect us.
I'd stop seeing him without trying to figure out what his problem is............ you could waste years and years of your life and still never know...
and end up leaving him too, just like his ex did.