Chuck, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree with the other respondents, all of whom are advising you to leave your W as soon as possible. Your marriage is extremely toxic and your continued presence there places you in great danger. The behaviors you describe -- strong verbal abuse, temper tantrums, always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and irrational accusations -- are some of the classic traits of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Has your counselor mentioned NPD or BPD to you? Is your counselor a psychologist?
i've search the forums for a situation like mine, but haven't really found anything.
At BPDfamily.com, you will find the stories of thousands of people who lived for years in situations like yours. This problem of toxic marriages is so widespread that that forum is growing by about 20 new members every day.
We have been married for 27 months.... we have been in our new home for about 21 or 22 months. since then... she is very combative in the arguments and its impossible to talk to her.
That means your W's rage started about six months into your marriage. If she has strong traits of NPD or BPD, consider yourself very lucky -- because such traits typically disappear only during the courtship period and start within a month or two after the wedding, if not sooner.
I have very aggressive tone in my voice. i've cut down the cursing, but i still have a bad mouth.... She says I'm immature.
Well, she is right about that one. Your behavior is immature. Specifically, your aggressive cussing is the behavior one would expect from a teenager, not a mature adult.
Yet, if your W actually does have strong NPD or BPD traits, her behavior is far more immature than yours. People exhibiting such strong traits (i.e., "NPDers" and "BPDers") typically have the emotional development of a four year old. This means it is very immature of you to be yelling and cussing at a woman having the emotional development of a young child. It also means you have a parent/child relationship with her, not a husband/wife relationship.
The reason i get so mad is because when i try to discuss an issue with her, everything is my fault.
That is exactly how she should be behaving if she is an NPDer or BPDer, neither of which is able to see her true self. They both therefore seek constant validation for a false self image, which is being "perfect" for the NPDer and being "The Victim" for the BPDer. The result is that these folks will always blame every misfortune and mistake on their abused spouses.
The worst thing is that she always calls the police to try and paint me as some insane monster who needs to go to jail.
As I said, an NPDer and BPDer will blame everything on the spouse. My BPDer exW, for example, did that to me for 15 years. At the end of our marriage, she called the police and had me arrested for "brutalizing" her. Because I was arrested early on a Saturday morning, it was late on Monday afternoon before I could appear before a judge in arraignment. This means I spent three days in jail. This also means that, if you are foolish enough to continue living with this woman, you should at least be smart enough to leave the house on Saturday or Sunday. That way, you can shorten your time in jail.
i am sick of this crap. please advise.
If there were no young children involved, my advice would be to simply walk out and not look back. Yet, because there are children, I believe it is important -- after you leave -- that you find out what it is the kids are having to deal with. I therefore encourage you to see a psychologist (not a MC) for a visit or two -- all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what type of behavior your W is exhibiting. I am suggesting you go "all by yourself" because, if your W really does have strong NPD or BPD traits, it is very unlikely a therapist will tell her -- much less tell her husband -- the name of the disorder (for her own protection).
I also suggest that, while you are waiting for an appointment, you read about NPD and BPD traits to see if they sound very familiar. Although you are not capable of diagnosing your W's issues, you nonetheless are capable of spotting the red flags or warning signs. There is nothing subtle about traits such as temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and impulsiveness.
An easy place to start reading about NPD and BPD traits is Kathy's excellent article on NPD at
Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It and about BPD at
Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships. Here on the TAM forum, I describe BPD traits at
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If any of those descriptions ring a bell, there are many members here who will be glad to discuss them with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Chuck, and stay out of jail.