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Old 01-24-2013, 04:46 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife TOO emotional

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Originally Posted by Tim_Duncan28 View Post
When she has these fits i try to hug her and let her feel my touch and that everything will be okay. When i realize that it's not helping i back off and leave her be. I don't know what else to do at that point to be honest.
Nope you're rewarding the behavior like with a child. I don't comfort my kids when they throw fits. Nope I tell them to go to their room until THEY calm themselves down.

With an adult you simply walk away. Fits are designed to get attention. Take that away and they generally stop.
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Old 01-24-2013, 04:56 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife TOO emotional

All great points. She is 25 years old and is always yearning for the comfort of her home country, family, and friends. She seems to be totally out of her comfort zone. I should not reward her childish outbursts and should walk away.
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Old 01-24-2013, 10:04 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Tim, I agree with you and WAS that the inability to regulate one's own emotions is the hallmark of BPD. Indeed, a large share of the psychiatric community has been lobbying for twenty years to change the name from "BPD" to "Emotion Regulation Disorder."

Yet, I agree with Kathy that your descriptions of your W's behavior seem to be uncharacteristic of BPD traits in some important respects. Hence, if your W does have strong BPD traits, she would be an unusual BPDer. I therefore suggest you take a look at therapist Shari Schreiber's description of "waif borderlines" to see if it rings a bell.

According to Schreiber, HELPLESSNESS is the Waif's core emotional theme. She describes these waifs (aka "quiet borderlines") in her article at BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved.. Although I've seen no statistics on the prevalence of waifs, my guess is that they comprise about 10% of BPDers.
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Old 01-24-2013, 11:43 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife TOO emotional

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Originally Posted by Tim_Duncan28 View Post
If she realizes that trying to talk things out results in her emotional outbursts, i can adapt to trying not to talk things out all the time, but when it comes to someone that directly involves the both of us like the frequency of sex (i don't think we try it often enough) how can i resolve it on my own without her help?
Well, I can't say I have a great answer, but what I would *try* to do is think it through on your own and tell her bluntly what you want, and tell her if she feels differently, to talk to you in a day or two. This might give her time to rehearse her words and feel less vulnerable. I have NO idea if that will work, though, to be honest.
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Old 01-25-2013, 07:27 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife TOO emotional

check out this thread, Conflicted, Confused and Crushed.....this is a long one. It gives amazing insight into the world of BPD. Read the posts by Uptown. If you wife doesn't have this, she has some kind of personality disorder. If she doesn't get help, things look very bleak for you. The disorder will be the elephant in the room and you will have to live your life walking on eggshells for fear of setting her off. It will control you, your family, your decisions, your sanity. You will blame yourself for many things and find that your are apologizing for things that aren't really wrong, but to keep the peace. Your exasperation and unhappiness will grown because nothing you can do can fix it and the pain it causes and your resentment will grow.

You have to decide if you can live this way, and life will get more challenging. Don't become a shell of a man, besides yourself because of this. If things don't change, whether it's your wife getting the help she needs, or you learning how to be excellent at dealing with this, you have to make the hard decision on whether you should stay or go. If you want kids, do you want her to be the mother of your children?
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Old 01-25-2013, 08:08 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife TOO emotional

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Originally Posted by Tim_Duncan28 View Post
All great points. She is 25 years old and is always yearning for the comfort of her home country, family, and friends. She seems to be totally out of her comfort zone. I should not reward her childish outbursts and should walk away.
It sounds like she is home sick. Maybe having a hard time adjusting and she is to immature at this point to know how to handle it.
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