When do you call it quits?
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Old 01-24-2013, 07:41 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default When do you call it quits?

Very happily married, but something hubby said shocked me. He said if someone in a marriage "just isn't happy" they should leave. I personally think the only reasons someone should leave are if there is infidelity, or verbal or physical abuse.

This is a second marriage for me. I was married for 24 years. Exhubby said he wasn't happy and we were in couseling. We were supposed to be making an effort and writing eachother little love notes when exhubby was posting how I wasn't the woman of his dreams on facebook publically humilitating me in front of family and friends many of whom didn't even know we were having problems. That's when I decided his heart wasn't into counseling and I couldn't save the marriage all by myself. So I called it quits.

However, having been married for 24 years I am familiar with the dynamics of a long-term relationship and there were times I was miserable and times when I was happy. There were peaks and valleys. A lot of the time I was unhappy had more to do with me than it did my exhusband. I think over the course of the rest of our lives there are going to be times hubby and I aren't happy and times that we are.

Would you leave if you just weren't happy?
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Old 01-24-2013, 08:42 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: When do you call it quits?

Good question.

No, I would not. I would do everything within my ability to try and fix the situation. I would also try to work on being happy myself. And yes, real relationships are far from what we see in Hollywood movies, as you say, there are ups and downs.

Knowing however that we cannot change the way another person feels even if we've knowingly done the best we can to help the situation, then I would understand contemplating going separate ways. But not before doing all I knew how to try and make things work.

Going separate ways should then be mutually beneficial.
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Old 01-24-2013, 08:50 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: When do you call it quits?

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Would you leave if you just weren't happy?
Absolutely not. However, I believe valid reasons for leaving are adultery, abuse, and/or addiction. Happiness is an inside job. If my spouse is simply not making me happy, but not commiting the deal breakers I listed, then I'd get counseling for myself.
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Old 01-24-2013, 09:32 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: When do you call it quits?

Feelings come and go, even in the best of marriages. If we divorced based on not feeling happy, every marriage would end in D.

Our "happiness" is our own responsibility. If you're not happy, figure out how to get yourself there... then decide if you want to stay in the marriage.

If you're bailing to find happiness, you won't be happy for long.
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Old 01-24-2013, 09:37 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: When do you call it quits?

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Would you leave if you just weren't happy?
Nope. Happiness comes from within. If I'm not happy the problem lies within me not in my husband.

The only reason I'd leave would be if there was abuse, addictions, infidelity or if he violated any of my personal deal breakers. And even then I'd put forth some SERIOUS effort to fix it before I left. Infidelity is the only thing I'm not sure I could ever recover from though (I'm too insecure and he knows this).
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Old 01-24-2013, 09:39 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: When do you call it quits?

What if you are very unhappy and your SO isnt willing, or able, to change?
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Old 01-24-2013, 09:48 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: When do you call it quits?

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What if you are very unhappy and your SO isnt willing, or able, to change?
There's a difference between not being happy because your spouse continues to violate your deal breakers vs not being happy in general and blaming it on your spouse. The latter is when one spouse is unhappy and the other hasn't done anything wrong. An example would be a mid life crisis.
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Old 01-24-2013, 10:08 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default When do you call it quits?

I haven't yet.
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Old 01-25-2013, 05:04 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: When do you call it quits?

As others have said if there is no infidelity or abuse then both parties should try and find the spark that got them together in the first place. If there is no chance of this (one person not willing or just grown too far apart) then you COULD both be better off emotionaly if you seperated.

The above works well as long as it is just the two adults in the relationship but if there are children envolved then things get alot more complicated. Whilst I would not advice anyone to stay in an abusive relationship for the sake of the children it might be worth people who have children together excepting limits to their own happiness with aspects of a relationship for the benifits to all (finalcial & emotional) of a stable if not joyus homelife.

For myself I stay in a sexless (for the last 18 months) marriage as I could not live without being at home to see my children grow. I know that for somepeople they would sooner break up (hopefully amicably) and then each spend time with the children but for me I just put my need to spend time with the children above my want for a sex life.
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Old 01-25-2013, 02:43 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: When do you call it quits?

This is a hard question to answer because "not happy" can be defined in a million different ways and applied to a million different scenarios. I suggest asking your husband to define what "not happy" means to him before getting too upset about it. Ask him for examples of imaginary scenarios. You may find that his examples of when it's time to leave are understandable.
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Old 01-25-2013, 03:11 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: When do you call it quits?

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What if you are very unhappy and your SO isnt willing, or able, to change?
We were both unhappy. But my wife wasn't willing to go to marriage counseling to at least try to fix things. We both agreed to call it quits and it was only then did she agree to go to counseling.

I think yes, at some point you do have to call it quits.
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Old 01-25-2013, 09:17 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: When do you call it quits?

I did leave because I was unhappy. But, I was unhappy because my husband of only 2 1/2 years quit being intimate with me after 3 months and only 3 times having sex after our wedding.

So, yes, I was unhappy. Ultimately that is why I left. But, he did not try to make me happy. He did nothing to make it better. He broke our vows by having nothing to do with me and sleeping on the couch every night.
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