What do I do about this???
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Old 01-25-2013, 06:33 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default What do I do about this???

I've been dating a divorced dad of 2 for almost 5 months. We started off quite hot and heavy... Very good chemistry. But with his kids and work it has been tough to see each other. Overall, I really like him... Even though I often feel like he is self involved.

Anyway, I just found out I may be getting laid off due to budget etc. I have a very good career. This is devastating to me... And my career is one that I may need to relocate. I could stay in the same city, but better jobs will be elsewhere.

My boyfriend hasn't seemed all that concerned about my level of fear over this. In fact, he didn't call me (only texted) the entire day after I found out. Well tonight I talked to him about "where we stand". he still hasn't introduced me to his kids.

He said that he doesn't want to see anyone but me but that I shouldn't feel any pressure from him to stay in this city... On his behalf. He said he would be sad .. If I left. But he understands it's my career.

That kinda hurt... So I said "but do you think we have a chance?". He said yes... We can talk for hours and we have amazing physical connection. That he really hopes it works out that I stay in this city but he understands if it doesn't.

He never mentioned meeting his kids... Or anything about the future other than he'd like to "keep building on what we have."
He mentioned the physical connection several times though....

Considering this crossroads that I'm at... I'm fragile. Is he basically telling me a lot of NOTHING or is it my imagination?

He seemed nervous talking about it... As was I... But I felt like I was fed a company line... You know? Am I reading too much into it?
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Old 01-25-2013, 06:53 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do I do about this???

The first thing that goes through my mind id...

Have you ever been to his house?
Do you even know where he lives?
What is the longest time you've spent together?
How often do you get to see him?

You know where this is headed..... Do you know he isn't still married?
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Old 01-25-2013, 06:58 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Yes... I've been to his house. He isn't with his ex any more... I saw on Facebook that she's in a relationship with someone else.

So... It's not that. But I do feel like there's a wall... what should I think of what he said?

Maybe I should just tell him flat out that I need more support and feedback from a romantic partner and I'm done giving him a chance? I don't know...thoughts?


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Originally Posted by dormant View Post
The first thing that goes through my mind id...



Have you ever been to his house?
Do you even know where he lives?
What is the longest time you've spent together?
How often do you get to see him?

You know where this is headed..... Do you know he isn't still married?
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Old 01-25-2013, 07:13 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do I do about this???

I don't have an answer for this. He obviously isn't into your relationship as much as you are. You could try again to have a serious sit-down and get him talking.

I have to think, if he is so reluctant to address the future of your relationship, pushing the issue too hard will not be good.

Let's say you do get a commitment from him and end up married....It won't last.
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Old 01-25-2013, 07:18 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default What do I do about this???

I would say he's probably not trying to sway your decision and taking things very slow. What were the circumstances of his divorce? Did his ex cheat? Leave him? If you took sex off the table would he stay?
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Old 01-25-2013, 07:22 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do I do about this???

Quote:
I often feel like he is self involved.

In fact, he didn't call me (only texted) the entire day after I found out.

he still hasn't introduced me to his kids.

He said that he doesn't want to see anyone but me but that I shouldn't feel any pressure from him to stay in this city.

That he really hopes it works out that I stay in this city but he understands if it doesn't.

He never mentioned meeting his kids... Or anything about the future

I felt like I was fed a company line
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Here are your red flags.

He enjoys your company and the sex but not enough to commit or fight for you. I wouldn't worry about him and do what you need to do to support yourself.

If you end up staying I'd give him another 4 months and if you still haven't met his kids or gotten more of a commitment I'd cut him loose. He's not the one for you.
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Old 01-25-2013, 08:28 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I've considered taking sex off the table. Telling him that I need to be deeper involved to continue being physical.

What Should he have said? I thought he could have at least expressed more interest in our future. "I really enjoy talking to you.. Spending time with you and being with you.." felt like a default company line.

His ex left him... By the sounds of it... (15 years married) she got fed up with his lack of involvement. He was a workaholic... Now he has to take care of his kids 50 percent of the time...

Also he stopped texting me the other night for 3 hrs. Turns out he told me he was in a texting argument with his ex over something with his daughter.

Oh and I should also mention ... She filed for divorce 3 years ago and he is STILL fighting her on money. He's actually not officially divorced. Their next meeting is in February.



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Originally Posted by Mavash. View Post
Here are your red flags.

He enjoys your company and the sex but not enough to commit or fight for you. I wouldn't worry about him and do what you need to do to support yourself.

If you end up staying I'd give him another 4 months and if you still haven't met his kids or gotten more of a commitment I'd cut him loose. He's not the one for you.
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Old 01-25-2013, 08:32 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do I do about this???

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His ex left him... she got fed up with his lack of involvement.

He's actually not officially divorced.
Two more HUGE red flags.

#1 he's an emotionally unavailable man

#2 he's not completely free from his ex

He's not ready to be involved with someone seriously right now.
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Old 01-25-2013, 08:36 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do I do about this???

I think it's ill-advised to use a work situation to promote a relationship beyond where it's going on its own steam.

You haven't been laid off yet, you haven't looked for any other jobs, and you haven't got any offers. 50 ways to Sunday and it's still Monday morning so to speak.
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Old 01-25-2013, 08:37 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do I do about this???

He doesn't see the relationship as being as serious and committed as you do.

The fact that he's not actually divorced yet sends up a red flag, IMHO.

How long after you met did the relationship become physical? Too soon and guys won't respect you or consider you anything more than a roll in the hay.
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Old 01-25-2013, 08:37 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I've been up a night upset about it and I have much bigger problems to worry about. He wants to spend the weekend together.. He doesn't have his kids and he really wants to have sex. (he said as much).

So how do I end this? If I spend the weekend with him I will be THAT much closer and attached. I am scared to do that because it hurts too much even now.

Should I call him and tell him I can't do this anymore? Ugh.



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Two more HUGE red flags.

#
1 he's an emotionally unavailable man

#2 he's not completely free from his ex

He's not ready to be involved with someone seriously right now.
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Old 01-25-2013, 08:38 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Actually I have opportunities for interviews in 2 other cities. I told him that I hadn't agreed to them yet. He suggested that I should go on them.

The relationship became physical after about a month...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Homemaker_Numero_Uno View Post
I think it's ill-advised to use a work situation to promote a relationship beyond where it's going on its own steam.

You haven't been laid off yet, you haven't looked for any other jobs, and you haven't got any offers. 50 ways to Sunday and it's still Monday morning so to speak.
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Old 01-25-2013, 08:43 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do I do about this???

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Originally Posted by tripleaxle2833 View Post
I've been up a night upset about it and I have much bigger problems to worry about. He wants to spend the weekend together.. He doesn't have his kids and he really wants to have sex. (he said as much).

So how do I end this? If I spend the weekend with him I will be THAT much closer and attached. I am scared to do that because it hurts too much even now.

Should I call him and tell him I can't do this anymore? Ugh.
Look only you can answer this. If you're okay with a friends with benefits kind of relationship then by all means continue. I agree with the poster that said he doesn't see the relationship as serious and as committed as you do.

If you're not okay with this then cut him loose. Break up with him the way millions of women have done it before. Just say you deserve more than this.
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Old 01-25-2013, 08:46 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do I do about this???

If you need to relocate for better job opportunities then do so knowing that you need to look out for yourself since it doesn't seem that he's very invested in the relationship.

Huge red flag that he is still fighting with his wife (they are still married) over money and children 3 years later. Sadly, in this situation you are the other woman and why would you want to be with a man with no honor? He doesn't sound like much of a prize. I would encourage you to move on and find a man worthy of you.
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Old 01-25-2013, 08:48 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I am definitely not okay with a friends with benefits situation. I didn't think that's what I was in... But maybe I am.

At this crossroads I just hoped that he would say he saw the future with ME...


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Originally Posted by Mavash. View Post
Look only you can answer this. If you're okay with a friends with benefits kind of relationship then by all means continue. I agree with the poster that said he doesn't see the relationship as serious and as committed as you do.

If you're not okay with this then cut him loose. Break up with him the way millions of women have done it before. Just say you deserve more than this.
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