General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
hi, i am new here........ i wont be able to write a detaiked post even though i would very much like too, but right now i am physically and emotionally drained after a very difficult day.......
i am currently seperated from my verbally and physically abusive husband of 6 years................ we have 2 kids together, first marriage for both of us
for the sake of kids and because i dont believe divorce is ever the solution.. i might think of going back to him......
i dont have my hopes up..... i dont intend to return to that abusice enviornment again, i am aware of all the bad essects it has on the kids
but does anyone here know anyone who made their marriage work post abuse, or at least could live together civilly for the sake of kids?????
No. I divorced my abusive husband because divorce IS a solution when you are a punching bag for a spouse that does not love you. It's not just the effects on the kids - it's the effects on you too.
Unless an abuser is invested in changing his or her behaviors, and is willing to undertake counseling, and you can see that a change is actually taking place, you would be crazy to go back.
By all means, don't divorce - you can stay separated for the rest of your lives - but going back to an abusive home is not a step that will help your husband to stop, because basically you're saying "just carry right on, no need to change" and abuse only gets worse, never better, without proper help.
he has started counselling............ the problem is we live in different cities now.... my daughter was going to very good schoo there that she will have to quit............and she loves her dad...... and misses him........ i feel so unhappy............ he promised counseeling brfore but stopped going after 2 visits....
i hate this wait and see apprach... this limbo........ at times i want a closure, at other times i just want to be seperated from him.....
No. My psychologically abusive ex-wife is now a speck in my rear-view mirror. The happy ending is that I didn't spend more time than I already had trying to fix a dead marriage.
I even remarried and have a wonderful wife who is about 180 opposite my ex, and I'm happier than I can remember ever being in my life
Abusive marriage partners do that because they have a need to control their spouses. You can no more change that behavior than you can change their eye color. Accept it, and decide whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life being a punching bag, physically or emotionally
My father used to be physically and emotionally abusive towards my mother, brother and me.(sometimes very severely abusive) I really don't know what brought on the change but he stopped and now he seemingly has solved whatever issues that brought on his abusive side. And we have a much better and fulfilling relationship as a family(especially the "without living in fear constantly" part is pretty great lol)
That being said, I think he is an exception. Most people don't have the capacity or maturity enough for the soul-searching and introspection that is required for the solution of issues that makes them lash out uncontrollably.
Edit: I don't think nobody can be the exception btw. But it's hard. I hope that your husband will have the self control to be a happy, fulfilled person who doesn't resort to abuse.
Divorce isnt the solution? Well, I guess once he goes too far and kills you, then problem solved, eh? Sheesh. You do your kids no favors staying with this person.
he has started counselling............ the problem is we live in different cities now.... my daughter was going to very good schoo there that she will have to quit............and she loves her dad...... and misses him........ i feel so unhappy............ he promised counseeling brfore but stopped going after 2 visits....
i hate this wait and see apprach... this limbo........ at times i want a closure, at other times i just want to be seperated from him.....
I understand that it's difficult. I also understand that your kids love their dad - despite his behavior. But while they live with him, they are learning that abuse is the norm. Is that what you want? Do you want your daughter to grow up and assume that an abusive bf and husband is all she can expect? Or for your son (if you have one) to grow up to be an abuser, or also to choose an abusive spouse?
The fact that he dropped out of counseling tells me that he wasn't invested in changing at that time. It's up to him to become invested, and perhaps the risk of losing you will be the inspiration he needs.
You will need to be patient, and you will need to be strong. Don't go back to him until he has invested in counseling for several months, and he shows signs of change and genuine contrition for his past behavior.
I agree with everyone else... for an abuser to change is extremely rare. Leaving *was* my happy ending.
In my personal experience, I have only known one couple who claimed there had been abuse in the family and it stopped. They'd been married 16 years and she told me that for about half that time, they got into knock-down, drag-out fights, but that as they'd matured it went away. Then two years after telling me that, they separated. She discovered he'd been having an affair since right around the time the abuse had stopped - almost a decade - and had gone so far as to get a job in a different city and set up house with the OW.
My mother was the abusive one in the relationship and nothing stopped her. My brother and I both begged her to try to change and she never did. To this day, she is still the same old physically and verbally abusive person I know.
I don't know that people can ever change. Maybe they can try if they are devoted to it. Sometimes violence and emotional abuse are learned throughout the years in childhood. A serious commitment is required. Unfortunately, there isn't much success with this as those behaviors are second nature by adulthood.
^ I think those rare occasions when change happens has NOTHING to do with being committed to change, really.
I think it's more like having a bad experience with tequila. If the experience was bad enough, a person just suddenly KNOWS that they cannot drink the stuff and they don't feel any urge to ever again because that crisis was so painful to them.
If there isn't a crisis that is more forceful than a person's urge to do a bad behavior (whether it's abusiveness, cheating, or whatever) then they will continue that behavior. By "being committed to change," it automatically means that in their mind, that bad behavior is still an option.
11Likes 
any abusive marriage happy ending stories 
