Help please, marital rape or no??
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Old 01-26-2013, 02:37 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Help please, marital rape or no??

Hello everyone,
I am new, so hello. If you have a moment, please advise. I have been married for over 10 years and have 2 kids. I am writing because I am so incredibly confused and would really appreciate some objective opinions.
I recently found out (3 months ago) that my 6 year old daughter has likely been sexually abused. She is not talking at all and denies anything has ever happened to her, and even the police believe that she doesn't think she's been sexually abused. But she has serious anxiety and self esteem issues, and she acted out in a sexual way with another child that made a therapist and CPS tell me that 100% she has been taught about sexual behavior by an adult. It involved very adult behavior and bribing.
I recently found a text between my husband and a buddy of his that was sleezy all around, mostly about hot chicks at bars, but it also mentioned that they wished they had gotten "blow jobs and baby girls" while out. He says that "baby girl" comment was a movie reference to the movie swingers, but because of that, I asked him to give me his computers and phone to investigate and make sure he wasn't involved in hurting my daughter.
When the computer forensics person went through his stuff, he didn't find anything, but he found that many years of data were missing, and my husband eventually admitted that he thrown away 2 computers that had such horrible things on them that he threw them away, out of fear I would find them.
He says that the reason he threw away the computers was because what was on these computers was him taping me (without my knowledge) naked, getting dressed, taking showers, and him touching me when I was sleeping. He says that he ejaculated on me when I was sleeping, and had sex with me in the anus which he knew I (although I tried a couple times but hated and he knew that) hated and never wanted him to do. He says he especially did it when he was mad at me and/or when I was drinking. He videotaped these things and watched them over the last 3 years and jerked off to them.
Questions to you all: Is this rape? Why is he taping me? I have consented to taping once before so why is he doing it without my consent? Could he be hurting my daughter? he denies it completely and my daughter loves him so much.
I am so confused. I want my family to be intact, but I can't believe he took advantage of me in a violent way and jerked off to it for years, and I think because he threw away two computer there could be more than he admitted to. He swears he threw the computers away because he was scared I would find the sleeping sex videos.
Help, please.
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Old 01-26-2013, 02:54 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help please, marital rape or no??

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Hello everyone,
Questions to you all: Is this rape? YES! Why is he taping me? Because he gets off on it. I have consented to taping once before so why is he doing it without my consent? Because sexual abuse is never about sex. It's about power. Could he be hurting my daughter? Based on what you described here, I'd say there is a very high probability that he is, yes. he denies it completely (of course!) and my daughter loves him so much. Children don't usually stop loving an abusive parent. They just want the abuse to stop.
I am so confused. I want my family to be intact, but I can't believe he took advantage of me in a violent way and jerked off to it for years, and I think because he threw away two computer there could be more than he admitted to. Can pretty much guarantee that there was a LOT more than he's admitting now. He threw them out so you would not know. It's logical that he'll tell you things that minimize what he did or redirects your attention. He swears he threw the computers away because he was scared I would find the sleeping sex videos.
Help, please.
1. There is no way in hell he'll admit to abusing your daughter if he thinks he cannot get your approval and protection, and he knows he will not be protected by you.

2. Although the "baby girls" thing may well have been a movie reference, the rest of this speaks of a very sick, sex-addicted man who consistently and repeatedly demonstrated a lack of respect for you and your boundaries. He never had a breakdown of conscience in all that time. He was logical and rational enough to dispose of the evidence and stay cool as a cucumber. Why wouldn't he do the same thing now?

3. Your biggest concern is protecting your daughter without traumatizing her more than necessary. Exposing her to police interrogations could prove traumatic for her in addition to the trauma she has already experienced. You might consider pressing charges against him for the crimes he committed against YOU so that you can get her safely away from him in a way that doesn't leave her blaming herself. She is at serious risk if you decide to keep your family intact.

I have some articles related to these subjects that you might find helpful:
Rape in Marriage
Protect Your Child from Abuse
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Old 01-26-2013, 03:02 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help please, marital rape or no??

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am already acting in the safest way possible until I sort this out - I am not allowing him around her until her proves his innocence (which he can't because he threw away the computers). The problem is I have no legal standing because I have no evidence that he's done anything to her. The police say there's nothing they can do regarding her case without further evidence. I have not told them about the night "rape" or non-consenting videos, because the police I dealt with were for my daughter and child cases, not me.
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Old 01-26-2013, 03:04 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help please, marital rape or no??

So my question now is do I stay married (without him sleeping with me) so I can keep an eye on things, or divorce for my own principal and safety, but knowing he'll get 50% time alone with her??
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Old 01-26-2013, 03:11 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help please, marital rape or no??

You cannot keep an eye on things. You'd be amazed at how fast sexual abuse can happen. You cannot ever go to the bathroom alone and feel certain of your daughter's safety. That's plenty of time for him to cop a feel, expose himself to her, or make inappropriate comments.

If I was in your shoes, my plan would be to file a police report for his admissions about what he did to me. I would also report it to the investigators who are involved in your daughter's case (the forensic experts in particular). I would also seek a restraining order pending divorce and keep your daughter working with a counselor and a guardian ad litem so you can get supervised visitation.

If that didn't work out, I'd move to another state with her as soon as the ink was dry on the divorce papers.
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Old 01-26-2013, 03:13 AM   #6 (permalink)
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By supervised visitation, are you talking about for me or for him? My biggest fear is that they will see our household as such as mess that they will take my kids.
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Old 01-26-2013, 03:14 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help please, marital rape or no??

Oh man, that's a question I'd pose to both your lawyer and the professionals who have evaluated your child.
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Old 01-26-2013, 03:18 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help please, marital rape or no??

Supervised visitation would mean he could only see your daughter in the presence of an authority figure like a counselor. He would not be able to take her anywhere just the two of them.

You would not likely be supervised when you've shown a willingness to protect your daughter and yourself from harm. The hardest part will be convincing authorities that you're not simply being a b*tchy woman trying to harm him by making up stories. Right now, though, you have counselors on your side and people who can attest to what your reaction was from first being notified of your daughter's behavior through the investigative steps that have already been taken. For instance, if you go to the cops and say, "I have been questioning him about the deleted information and he told me (these things)," then you look like a concerned parent who is taking action because you have a valid reason.
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Old 01-26-2013, 03:24 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help please, marital rape or no??

I just want my baby girl safe. I don't know that he's done anything to her. I only know for sure he's done very ugly things to me. But he also threw away 2 computers during the investigation into her sexual abuse. I feel that I need to keep her safe for now, until we find out what was on the computers and until I have an answer regarding her behavior. Is that being a paranoid parent or reasonable??
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Old 01-26-2013, 03:26 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help please, marital rape or no??

The child sexual assault investigator told me that him throwing away computers was a marital issue, because he told her it was due to embarrassing videos, and not a child sexual assault issue. She dropped it. I didn't tell her about the sleeping forced sex, but she knows he threw away computers and she dismissed it.
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Old 01-26-2013, 03:33 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Is that being a paranoid parent or reasonable??
Reasonable. Absolutely.
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Old 01-26-2013, 11:28 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help please, marital rape or no??

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I just want my baby girl safe. I don't know that he's done anything to her. I only know for sure he's done very ugly things to me. But he also threw away 2 computers during the investigation into her sexual abuse. I feel that I need to keep her safe for now, until we find out what was on the computers and until I have an answer regarding her behavior. Is that being a paranoid parent or reasonable??
The investigators would not be able to tie his throwing away computers with anything related to the investigation if they don't have that little nugget of information about "why" he threw it away. Did they even ask him about it?

If they continue to say something like that after hearing the reason, you may want to ask for another investigator to be assigned. You'd be very reasonable to want to know why an investigator would ignore something like "He threw two computers away during your investigation of him, and deleted much information from the other computer."

Also, you might consider whether those computers never made it to the trash. There's a fair chance that he stashed them in a car trunk, storage unit, attic, or something like this.

Even though it's normal to have feelings that go back and forth between having loving feelings for him that urge you to keep things together, and wanting to never see him again, I hope you'll stay focused on taking care of your daughter. I have some serious reservations about the investigation based on what I've read in your posts. If the police think she doesn't believe that she was abused, but agree that she learned the behavior from an adult, then I'm worried that the police investigator is NOT a trained sexual assault responder. Normal police investigation tactics often fail to uncover sexual abuse because the victims don't want to hurt someone they love. Remember, they just want the abuse to stop, and when cops get involved, even a 6-year old understands police put people in jail.

The fact that her own acting out involved bribery suggests that she has been approached in a seductive manner rather than through physical force. It would be worthwhile to investigate the "games" adults play with her (and do this without focusing on your husband or the sexual aspects) to gain insight. "Hmm... has anyone ever played Bingo with you? Who played Bingo? Really? Was it fun? Cool! And has anyone played (another couple times with other children's games) and then "Ok, and what was the best treat you ever got for keeping a secret?" This kind of backdoor questioning is far more likely to produce answers than "did your daddy ever touch you down there?" kinds of questions.

It's possible that your husband is not the adult who touched her, but based on what you've written I'm 98% confident that he is.
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Old 01-26-2013, 11:32 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help please, marital rape or no??

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HHe says that the reason he threw away the computers was because what was on these computers was him taping me (without my knowledge) naked, getting dressed, taking showers, and him touching me when I was sleeping. He says that he ejaculated on me when I was sleeping, and had sex with me in the anus which he knew I (although I tried a couple times but hated and he knew that) hated and never wanted him to do.
Maybe that's all a big lie on his part and he threw away the computers because he's got child porn on them. It fits the general theory that he molested your daughter.

I mean, if nothing else, I'd think if he tried to screw you in the a$$ while you're asleep it would be enough to wake you up.
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Old 01-26-2013, 11:40 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Maybe that's all a big lie on his part and he threw away the computers because he's got child porn on them. It fits the general theory that he molested your daughter.

I mean, if nothing else, I'd think if he tried to screw you in the a$$ while you're asleep it would be enough to wake you up.
I was also wondering about this. You'd have to be sleeping pretty soundly for someone to have anal sex with you without waking you. That doesn't seem possible.
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Old 01-26-2013, 11:50 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help please, marital rape or no??

It's very possible.

The body relaxes a great deal when someone's asleep. When they are in deep sleep stages, they would not rouse even for that, and it wouldn't cause the same pain it might normally cause. By testing her for signs of wakefulness and paying attention to her breathing patterns, he could have done this.

She said he acted out against her when he was mad or when she was drunk. If she was intoxicated when she went to sleep, it would be even easier to pull this off.
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