Just Friends - No Benefits
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Old 01-27-2013, 08:23 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Just Friends - No Benefits

Stumbled upon this forum and thought maybe I receive some inputs.
There is this guy I have grown very close to as friends over the last 6 years. He is married and has children. I have never considered him as a potential mate, even if he was single, as I don't feel physically attracted to him. Nevertheless, he developed a very strong infatuation with me and actively pursued a relationship. I have made clear to him countless times that I do not feel for him that way, but just love him as a friend and am thankful for the numerous occasions he had been there for me. I always encourage him to work on his marriage as he and his wife have been drifting apart- his crush on me I guess contributing to it. Lately he told me he does not want sex with her because all in his mind there is the image of me. We had this discussion a hundred times, and each time I break it down to him again, reminding him I do not feel this way but he gets upset and withdraws. Then we talk again, and after a while the sex theme comes again, in a way or another. It really bugs me and I don't know how to make him see all I want is his friendship and it will never change. I have never led him on and gave him false hopes but he just can't get it. Him not being intimate with his wife nd dreaming to have more with me, donno what else to do, since all talking is for nothing. I don't even consider giving him up as a friend, as we know eachother long time and he's such a good person. I just want him to accept us as friends, with no benefits. Btw, I am not married. I recently started a relationship.
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Old 01-27-2013, 08:51 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just Friends - No Benefits

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Originally Posted by Haram View Post
Nevertheless, he developed a very strong infatuation with me

... he and his wife have been drifting apart- his crush on me I guess contributing to it.

Lately he told me he does not want sex with her because all in his mind there is the image of me.

We had this discussion a hundred times, and each time I break it down to him again, reminding him I do not feel this way but he gets upset and withdraws. Then we talk again, and after a while the sex theme comes again, in a way or another. It really bugs me and I don't know how to make him see all I want is his friendship and it will never change.

I have never led him on and gave him false hopes but he just can't get it.

I don't even consider giving him up as a friend, as we know eachother long time and he's such a good person. I just want him to accept us as friends, with no benefits.
READ. THIS. AGAIN.

You have had this discussion of let's-just-be-friends with him "a hundred times." Have you started to deduct that this approach is not working?

False hopes? Sorry, but you give him false hopes every single time he gets all sad and mopey and you pull him back in. And you wouldn't consider giving him up as a friend because "he's such a good person."

What makes a man "such a good person" who wants to cheat on his wife with you and keeps bringing it up to the point that it annoys you?

I'm not buying what you are saying here. Not one bit. You want him to accept you as a friend without benefits? Guess what? HE DOES NOT WANT IT THAT WAY.

If you want to straighten him out on this once and for all, tell him unless he cuts out the sex talk and lusting after you, you will tell his wife.

Let me know if that works for ya.
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Old 01-27-2013, 08:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Just Friends - No Benefits

Cut him loose. He's not interested in being just friends. I had a friend like this and had to cut him out of my life so that he would work on his relationship. If you truly care about him stop all contact
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Old 01-27-2013, 08:57 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just Friends - No Benefits

The guy obviously has one thing on his mind.Does the guy in your new relationship know about him? If so,what is he saying?
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Old 01-27-2013, 09:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Are you friends with his wife too? He's not as good of a person as you think if he's pursuing a relationship with you while married.
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Old 01-27-2013, 11:58 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just Friends - No Benefits

You two are having an emotional affair. This is bad. If you care about him, his wife, their kids, and the future of this family, you need to tell him you wish him well and commit to never contacting this man again. Tell him you will pray for him and hope that he concentrates on his wife and kids unselfishly.
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Old 01-28-2013, 10:21 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just Friends - No Benefits

Easily fixed. End your friendship with him and go complete no contact. Problem solved.
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Old 01-28-2013, 10:27 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I know you love this man dearly as a friend only, but he is just using you for sex. All his actions & words prove it.

It is not a "real" friendship. Let him go.
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Old 01-28-2013, 10:38 AM   #9 (permalink)
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That doesn't sound like a friend to me. I don't understand why your hanging onto him?
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Old 01-28-2013, 10:39 AM   #10 (permalink)
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all I want is his friendship and it will never change.
Cut him loose.

He has feelings for you that aren't reciprocated and he's MARRIED. He doesn't have the willpower to do the right thing so it's up to you to do it for him.
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Old 01-28-2013, 10:43 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just Friends - No Benefits

So he's your emotional tampon. No wonder he's aching for more.

Set him free. As others said, every time you talk to him, he gets more invested in your "relationship." Every time he listens to you, does something for you, etc, he's showing you an act of love. By accepting it, you absolutely ARE in an emotional affair, despite denying him sex.

And especially when you know that YOU are the person preventing him from getting his marriage on track, I don't know how you can sleep at night.
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Old 01-28-2013, 11:02 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just Friends - No Benefits

I had a friend like this and had to cut him out of my life so that he would work on his relationship.
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Old 01-28-2013, 11:12 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I would like to think that you are an intelligent woman. You know what this guy is playing out.
My husband also told me that we had been drifting apart when questioned over his affair (not that I am saying you are), it wasn’t a case of “we” it was a case of “he”! He met someone like you that took the bait and drifted with an hour or two. They lie and feed you bull**** stories a bit like they do us (their wives). If I am honest I wouldn’t want a woman just loving my husband as a friend either.

I am in excruciating pain right now because of stuff like this – As much as I wanted children, I thank god that I don’t have them right now, because I don’t know how in god’s name that the women and men on this forum even cope day to day, it’s bad enough getting myself out of my bed. There’s no such thing as being just friends with a married man.

Leave him and concentrate on your new relationship and let him get back to his wife and family before she finds out and joins this hell hole.
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Old 01-28-2013, 11:24 AM   #14 (permalink)
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The truth is that you cannot be "Just friends" with the other sex if the conversation comes with sexual innuendos even after you have thwarted the advances. He is interested in you in a sexual way...time to end the "friendship".

By the way..."A good person" does not talk sexually with other women when they are married.
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Old 01-28-2013, 11:28 AM   #15 (permalink)
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He most likely just wants to get in your pants. He is feeding you a line and is still having sex with his unsuspecting wife. Kind of flattering to you for being upstanding and not giving in to him yet getting this attention from him? Stop this right now.

Whatever his motives; this is an inappropriate "friendship." It isn't fair to his wife and family. You can find other friends who are not already married yet still having sexual talk with you. He has no business doing this anyway. Don't you feel sorry for his wife?

You said you are with someone right now, so cut this guy out of your life.
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