Thinking of leaving wife - Letter to wife
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Old 07-14-2009, 08:05 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Thinking of leaving wife - Letter to wife

Hi everyone.
Please help me.
Our marriage has reached a crossroads and I do not know what to do.
Would you please read this letter and express your thoughts to me in the hopes that I might gain some insight.
I would never give my wife this letter, but thought if I took the time to write out my feelings this way that I would be better able to express myself.

Thank you for you help.

Dear Sweetness:
I hope this letter serves to better explain my actions and behaviors towards you better than I have done recently.

Do I love you? I do not know. I know that you have many traits that I not only admire, but feel my wife must possess. You also deal with me and my emotional side better than most could I believe. You are strong and very understanding. I know how important it is to you that our marriage work out and I believe you would do everything to make work.

I am sorry that I havenít shown the same commitment.

I feel for all practical purposes, you are understanding and allow me the freedom to do so as I please. I can go out with friends; I have traveled without you and so on. You are very close to my family and this is clearly important.

I do however, feel a lack of passion or desire to spend alone time with you. I do not feel like we have much to talk about, nor do we necessarily share the same interests. There are certain limitations we each have to one anotherís lives.

I genuinely feel comfortable with you and around you. I know I that I can be a difficult person to be with as I am sometimes selfish and hard on you.

My desire for adventure and fulfillment has lately been overwhelming. I do not feel like we are situated to do different things in life that are important to me. Additionally, I am concerned that what you want from life is a constant, reliable routine. Even though I have been quiet and quite agreeable to this lifestyle over the past three years, the thought of going through my life like this is crushing. I need satisfaction.
I know that having a child will officially put an end to these childhood dreams. At my present time, I can not deal with this reality.

Aside from all this, when I ask myself if I do love you, I never feel much emotion, but rather almost a complete lack of. I know that I truly care for you. It breaks my heart when you are sad. I donít know if this is because I love you, or rather that I feel guilty about hurting you. In fact, the thought of what you would feel if I were to explain this to you is almost enough for me to entirely dismiss the idea. But deep down, there is something that is lacking and always has. I know that if I were to dismiss the notion of leaving you and committed myself to staying with you that I would grow to appreciate and depend on you as an old life partner, but I donít know if this is what a marriage should be.

Just because two people remain committed to one another over the years, yet one person is so obviously unsatisfied, does that make this a successful marriage?

On one hand the idea of freeing myself from this old, crippling thought is delightful, yet on the other I fear that I would regret losing you as my partner.

I do not know what to do.
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Old 07-14-2009, 08:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Thinking of leaving wife - Letter to wife

From what you wrote I really do feel you might regret it.

The basics show me that your wife is loving and understanding, but perhaps not adventerous as you.

If you really want to know what we think we need to know how the two of you operated as a couple. Just because you cant see the light at the end of the tunnel doesnt mean its not necessarily there. It could just be lost in the fog right infont of both of you.

Have you discussed your feelings with her on this? Has she discussed hers?
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Old 07-14-2009, 08:56 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Thinking of leaving wife - Letter to wife

i respectfully submit my thoughts as you requested.

you and your wife are obviously not communicating and ordinarily i'd recommend couples therapy to learn how to better communicate and negotiate each other's needs and wants.

but not in your case for two reasons.

first, your letter although couched in what i think you believe to be soft flowery language actually takes your wife's inventory harshly, and is very judgemental.

poor woman, just not living up to your expectations.

and second, this:

"Aside from all this, when I ask myself if I do love you, I never feel much emotion, but rather almost a complete lack of. "

so let her go, the sooner the better so she can start healing and find a man who will love her from the inside out.

and good luck with one caveate; you say you seek adventure but you've yet to experience the amazing adventure of giving a woman all you've got and then just a little more.

and that high is beyond my vocabulary.
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Old 07-15-2009, 06:44 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Thinking of leaving wife - Letter to wife

I suggest you take the letter and discuss it with a personal therapist. It sounds very immature in what you want... like you wish to remain child-like.
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Old 07-15-2009, 09:58 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Thinking of leaving wife - Letter to wife

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Originally Posted by preso View Post
I suggest you take the letter and discuss it with a personal therapist. It sounds very immature in what you want... like you wish to remain child-like.
i had a hard time avoiding the phrase 'peter pan syndrome' and i guess now i've found it impossible.
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Old 07-15-2009, 01:35 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Thinking of leaving wife - Letter to wife

If you are having these feelings- you should talk to her or go to counseling to work through this... I wouldn't recommend a letter... it's something that she can read over and over again. If you do work things out then she would always go back to the letter and feel insecure in those things you wrote, and if it doesn't work out... she doesn't need a letter telling her how much you don't love her (yet care about her still...kinda) that could tear her apart over and over again.
Love letters are nice, but -I don't love you letters- would really suck to get... I keep cards and letters and I would never want one of those...
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Old 07-15-2009, 02:31 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Thinking of leaving wife - Letter to wife

Language aside, sometimes that was the only I could get xgf to talk about something.

They were never "negative", per se, but did make specific mention of things I felt we needed to discus. Occasionally there was a "good" one. And always loving cards and flowers.

But she sometimes wouldn't let the conversation start (never have time, got to do this or that, etc.).

One point in particular -- her husband died of a heart attack. I'm a few years older than her. After years of being able to discuss anything and making plans to marry someday, she seemed to become more reticent and less desirous of marrriage. I finally had to ask her (in a letter), point blank, was she afraid of me dying before her? (yes, she was)

As was suggested earlier, try counseling for yourself and ask the counselor what they think of the letter.
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Old 07-15-2009, 02:40 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Thinking of leaving wife - Letter to wife

Your letter strikes me as very impersonal. It sounds almost business like in its appraisal of your wife, as well as your marriage. Do you act in this fashion to her also, or do your words just come out like that when you put them on paper?

Honestly, if I were you, I would go talk to a therapist on your own. It sounds like you are deeply afraid of commitment, but almost just as afraid of being alone. What is it, exactly that you feel like you are missing out on by being married? It sounds as though she makes numerous concessions to your desires (you go off by yourself, travel without her, etc...), but the only concession it SOUNDS like you are making is that you stay married. Trust me, the grass is not always greener in the other pasture.
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Old 07-15-2009, 03:14 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Thinking of leaving wife - Letter to wife

I agree that your letter seems almost impersonal. I suppose it is the lack of feeling that you have for your wife.

Many people, including my husband, want happiness and adventure and turn toward their wives and ask themselves "is this it?"

Perhaps, turn the appraisal inward. Are you asking for your wife to make you happy? If you want adventure....plan something and ask her to join. If not, do it yourself. Find your own way. You don't always have to play together.

Your wife, seems like she is a good person. If you don't have children...please wait. But reevaluate if the problem is you or the marriage.

Get some help.
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Old 07-15-2009, 03:39 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jonmon View Post

Do I love you? I do not know.



My desire for adventure and fulfillment has lately been overwhelming.

I need satisfaction.


I do not know what to do.
I condensed it for you.
Note how it begins and ends... not knowing. Why would you even want to send someone anything like this?
It's very crazy letter and without point. Sounds more like whining to me than any point being made.
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Old 07-15-2009, 03:47 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Thinking of leaving wife - Letter to wife

I'd like to be a fly inside the head of all you men whom just randomly leave their wives stating they are awesome and do this and that well and it's not your fault etc before you leave...I'd really like to know how you all think. I'd love to know why you're all afraid to be alone yet afraid to be with just one person...seriously. I don't jest, I don't flare sarcasm, none of that....just straight curiousity.

I'd also like to give you all 5-10 years then throw you all in a room together and listen to your regrets...I shouldn't have left so and so, she was so good to me yadda yadda...worst mistake of my life and so on...as well as the stories of however other many so and so's you damaged in the time you left the one you regret leaving and then present time at which your all in a room together. My interst is peaked has been for some time. I just can't imagine meeting, falling in love, marrying, and then saying you're awesome baby but I'm going to leave you now. Not your fault it's mine. Please understand. Throws me hardcore and I'd love to be able to understand it.

You see I'm that girl. I've been through that....
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Old 07-15-2009, 05:51 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Thinking of leaving wife - Letter to wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Angel View Post
From what you wrote I really do feel you might regret it.

The basics show me that your wife is loving and understanding, but perhaps not adventerous as you.

If you really want to know what we think we need to know how the two of you operated as a couple. Just because you cant see the light at the end of the tunnel doesnt mean its not necessarily there. It could just be lost in the fog right infont of both of you.

Have you discussed your feelings with her on this? Has she discussed hers?
Thank you for you post.
I honestly feel like we operate fairly well together. With have really open communication and respect one another. We both have established "roles" in that I provide in one area and she does so in other areas. I believe that as far as functioning is concerned, we do so fairly well.
And to a certain extent we have discussed this. I have not outright said that I am not sure if I love you, although I have explained that having a child right now might not be the best situation because of the fact I am unsure about the strength of our marriage.
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Old 07-15-2009, 06:12 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by recent_cloud View Post
i respectfully submit my thoughts as you requested.

you and your wife are obviously not communicating and ordinarily i'd recommend couples therapy to learn how to better communicate and negotiate each other's needs and wants.

but not in your case for two reasons.

first, your letter although couched in what i think you believe to be soft flowery language actually takes your wife's inventory harshly, and is very judgemental.

poor woman, just not living up to your expectations.

and second, this:

"Aside from all this, when I ask myself if I do love you, I never feel much emotion, but rather almost a complete lack of. "

so let her go, the sooner the better so she can start healing and find a man who will love her from the inside out.

and good luck with one caveate; you say you seek adventure but you've yet to experience the amazing adventure of giving a woman all you've got and then just a little more.

and that high is beyond my vocabulary.
Thank you for your post.
I honestly did not consciously attempt to write this with flowery language, and I do not want to belittle her. Im also not trying to be judgmental - she exceeds any expectations I could ever dream a wife could. I just feel like I lack any strong emotions with her. Nothing is negative, I do not resent her nor blame her for anything. I am 100% responsible for my behaviors.
I speak highly of her because I believe she is truly great. I just don't feel an emotion pull with her.
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Old 07-15-2009, 06:14 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by preso View Post
I suggest you take the letter and discuss it with a personal therapist. It sounds very immature in what you want... like you wish to remain child-like.
Thank you for your post.
I have tried a therapist which I did not like. Any idea how to find an good therapist?
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Old 07-15-2009, 06:15 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Blonddeee View Post
If you are having these feelings- you should talk to her or go to counseling to work through this... I wouldn't recommend a letter... it's something that she can read over and over again. If you do work things out then she would always go back to the letter and feel insecure in those things you wrote, and if it doesn't work out... she doesn't need a letter telling her how much you don't love her (yet care about her still...kinda) that could tear her apart over and over again.
Love letters are nice, but -I don't love you letters- would really suck to get... I keep cards and letters and I would never want one of those...
Thank you for you post.
I would never give my wife an I don't love you letter. Agreed. I am just trying to express myself and see where it leads.
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