I need some rational input. I cannot talk to anyone in my RL because I don't want to have them look down on my husband.
Any feedback is appreciated...though I am sure this just doesn't even make any sense because I am so emotional and upset right now.
There is a lot of history - we have been married for 18 years. I did not realize prior to our marriage that he comes from an incredible amount of crazy and he was abused as a child. He hid the "off" side pretty well when we were dating.
When we got married I left school to be a wife/mother. I worked a series of small jobs while he had a very good, 6 figure income. I was just working to be busy and very happy in my life. Then we were faced with some female health issues on my part and had to make the decision of kids now or never because I had a condition that needed surgery that would likely end in hysterectomy but there was a chance that a pregnancy would resolve the condition - if we did want kids ever we better do it now. We did want kids, well I did and he said he did. We had 5 pregnancies to get 2 kids and things were good for a while.
Then about 11 years ago he went through 3 different layoffs in 2 years. He could have found something stable but he was becoming increasing unstable. He had decided that the meds he was on for depression were not helping and he quit taking them. Then he became increasing moody, mean, verbally unkind, pretty much irrational. He took a job doing something that made less than 1/3 of his prior income and at that time we had just decided to home school our kids so I was at home with them and not working. He had promised me all along, because it was very important to me, that I could be a stay at home mom...that was a priority to both of us. So...since i had to contribute income because he wasn't making enough for us and he had lost the insurance when he got laid off, I got trained and started working at a job I could do in the medical industry from home. That worked well because I could work in the wee hours of the morning when everyone was asleep and then home school my kids during the day. It was a win/win for about 6 years.
All through that time he was saying he was going to find a "real job". Something to get back into his industry, but he had to find the right opportunity. The reality is he never tried. He hates his job, but he won't do anything to find something else. He is doing manual labor with a master's degree. I am worn to a frazzle, so tired I cannot hardly stay upright....when the writing appeared on the wall that due to changes in the laws of health-care, my job will be disappearing in the next 3 years. Because I don't want to try to find a job at walmart, the only other job I am qualified for. So, I started school. I was able to qualify for financial aide, I have gotten scholarships etc.
I am doing very well. I am slated to be an RN in just 4 more semesters. My husband has not done anything to change his employment situation. He says that he should be the one going to school - I told him I wasn't quitting but he could qualify for financial aid too, got him all the paperwork, showed him how to check out the classes on line etc, he never did anything with it. He tries to back me in a corner and get me to say that I am going to school because I don't believe in him. I try not to get caught, but the bottom line is, if he wanted to do something, he would have. He doesn't. Somebody has to! Our kids are nearly college age. We need more income. I am tired of working all the time. I have not had a day off in 8 years. I want to have a job where I work when I work and I am home when I don't work. Working from home is HARD.
He is depressed, he has stomach problems because of his depression but he won't listen to me. He will go on a medication because I beg him to then find some obscure little article about some side effect and he develops that particular side effect so he has to stop the medication.
He keeps saying things like when I am done with school I will just take the kids and leave him. That was never my plan...but the more difficult he makes life for me the closer that is to being a reality. It isn't what I want but I cannot live this way.
Anyway, I know this is a novel here....but things have gone from bad to worse this month. The day before my most intense semester so far started, his mom died suddenly. For the most part these people have not been our lives as much more than an obligation. However, her illnesses in the past couple years have opened a door where we were connecting more with them and every time we did they had a horrible impact on my husband. He would be crabby and unkind for days afterwards, almost like it took a while for the poison to get out after interacting with them. Well, her death has really just opened up the door to the family's ick - and it has infected my husband.
It seems like he is trying to destroy my success at school. He commits to study with me or help me with something in the house and then he "loses it" and won't do it and somehow it is because I brought up a taboo subject, or I did some thing that caused him to not help me. But I am feeling so incredibly confused.
I know that some of these behaviors sound very much like borderline personality, and he has been through a lot of therapy. We know that he is the product of a borderline mother and a crazy father. But he has never been diagnosed as borderline. The counselors have told him he has learned borderline behaviors as a result of his growing up, which is pretty much what borderline is I think...but anyway....there it is, in all the ugly truth....I just need help.
I am sinking in school, behind in everything. Every time I try to go to study group my husband has some issue - throws 80 pounds of "weight" on my shoulders, leaves me falling apart and he leaves the house. When I need to do something urgently, or have a time deadline, he always does something to try to destroy it or opens some door that means that the only way I can be on time is to just walk out in the middle of a "discussion" and then he is upset with me. I feel like I am in a hopeless situation....but there is no way out right now. I have always said the bad things were balanced out by the wonderful person he was when it was just us and our family...but at this point, I haven't seen that person for a while.
I know that part of it is my stress level, the fact that I am getting very little sleep, he is laid off for the winter (his work is seasonal) and winter is always bad because he is particularly moody etc, he is trying to grieve for something...but I need a friend, a support, a hero...instead I feel like he is a soul sucking zero trying to keep me from moving forward.
I want to find what we used to have. I want to go back to the stress free days....I wish I understood what has happened to him, how to help him, how to fix this....but it just gets worse and worse. I am so stressed out I don't know what to do but sit here and cry.