Need advice. Married, old flame back in life
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Old 07-18-2009, 12:16 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Help! Need advice. Married, old flame back in life

This is my 1st time posting. I need some advice or maybe to vent/confess because there is no one I can talk to about this.

I currently married. My marriage is tough. We argue and have very little sex, about every 1-3 weeks and sometimes my wife shows very little interest. We are going through some tough times. I have been laid off, my wife and I are going to school and have a few kids.

So here is the deal. Many years ago I had this big crush on someone. She was in a bad relationship. We fooled around and flirted a lot. When it finally ended she was somewhat fragile. A new guy came into our circle of friends. Her other best friend convinced her I was bad for her and she should hook up with the new guy. He was/is mentally unstable and alcoholic. She ended up getting pregnant so they got married and moved away.

I ended up hooking up with one of her bests friends, got married, had kids. We have both had rough marriages. Her husband now wants a divorce and she is back in town. She is my wife's best friend. I have since gotten over her and when we hang out I barely talked to her. I still find her extremely attractive though. Recently at a party she admitted that she wish we hooked up and has been wanting me for the past 9 years. We were pretty intoxicated.

I was blown away! Am I supposed to be happy or flattered she has been thinking of me and wanting to be with me this whole time? I am still strongly attracted to her. Later she began crying and saying that everything is messed up now. We are both married and have kids. We did kiss several times when my wife wasn't around. (I know I'm an ass). Her sister was there and told me separately that she has been wanting me badly this whole time.

Now I have all these conflicted emotions. I do love my wife but our relationship has been strained over the past several years. I have almost left on several occasions. I have a high sex drive and it is also hard rarely getting any at home. I have cheated once before and promised never to do it again. I cannot leave my kids because I love them sooo much. If I do cheat my wife would be devastated. Not only would she be betrayed by me her husband but also by her best friend she has known since childhood. She has described her as her soulmate. The attraction is very strong between me and the friend and always has been. Now I am trying to avoid the situation but feel being drawn toward it. This is one woman that I have always wanted. The one who got away. Apparently she feels the same about me. Even though nothing is going on I feel very emotionally conflicted. It felt so good holding and kissing her but we are both adults that are married and have children. What should I do? I try to live my life with no regrets but I feel if I turn my back I will regret never "being" with the one woman I have always wanted.

Is cheating an option? I don't want to do it especially because she is so close to my wife.
Do I reject her? My marriage usually sucks and the only reason I stay is because I love my children very much.

The other problem is is that because she is so close to my wife they are always talking and hanging out, sometimes our kids hang out and play together.

Any advice or comments are welcome.

Last edited by Franklin; 07-18-2009 at 02:00 AM.
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Old 07-18-2009, 01:58 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. Married, old flame back in life

I hate to say this but cheating is never ok when your in a relationship with someone. If you want to be with this woman then you shouldn't be married. I know this may not be the greatest of advice but you could seriously hurt your wife in everyway. If your not getting along with her then you need to sit down & talk to her.

This other woman needs to take some time on her own instead of trying to pull you away from your wife. I know this as I am going thru some things with my husband that envolve another woman that he hasn't even met physically just online.

So please think twice about this.
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Old 07-18-2009, 02:57 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. Married, old flame back in life

Yeah, don't do this. Not while you have a SO.

Tell the ex you need to work on your current relationship. If she's any kind of decent person, she'll understand and leave you to do that; if she's not, you'll know that, too!

I know it's hard, but you need to shut the ex out of your life.
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Old 07-18-2009, 05:48 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. Married, old flame back in life

I say don't cheat (though if you've kissed her, you already have). It's not going to be as good as ya think and it's not going to last. Then you'll be divorced and alone. Take a step back and try to fix what ya have first. If that doesnt work, then get a divorce. After you get one THEN it's ok to start looking again.

Though if it's your ex's best friend...not sure how good an idea that is. It could turn out to be epic. Epic bad.

Remember. It's never ok to cheat. Under any circumstances. Ever.


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Old 07-18-2009, 05:52 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. Married, old flame back in life

You really don't need to go there. The economy is putting a strain on even the best relationships. Go to your wife and try to work on your relationship. If you can't fix your marriage, get a divorce. AFTER the divorce you can pursue other relationships. Cheating destroys others!
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Old 07-18-2009, 06:32 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. Married, old flame back in life

Your in the grass is greener syndrome, if you cheat all your going to do is create NEW and BIGGER problems. Cheating is never a good idea. Its always a bad idea.
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Old 07-18-2009, 10:26 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. Married, old flame back in life

If you cheat, it will not only affect your wife. It will affect your children too. The emotional devistation it will cause will affect all around you. I think we all get tested at one point or another in our marriages......don't flunk!

If you cheat and end up with this other woman. She won't trust you either. She'll eventually see you as a cheater, since you cheated to be with her. The lifelong friendship between the two will be destroyed. Although personally, she's not much of a friend if she's making out with her best friend's husband.

If everything was going well in your marriage, I don't think you'd be at this point. Put your effort where it is most important, your marriage! In the end, you need to be able to look your wife and kids in the face, and yourself in the mirror.
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Old 07-18-2009, 11:04 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. Married, old flame back in life

Thanks for the advice. I know cheating is wrong and not an option.

This is just a very confusing situation for me. I wasn't anticipating the confused emotions I would have after we talked that night. I cannot and will not leave my wife for her because that would be wrong and hurt my family and mess everything up.

I never thought I would be in such a situation. The worst part is is that I cannot ignore or avoid her because she is my wife's best friend. I cannot also stop feeling what I feel even if I wanted to. I'm am not sure what the friend wants either or why she is telling me all this either. She also knows cheating is wrong and leaving my family is out of the question. Maybe it was the alcohol talking? But then her sister was also telling this and made sure we had time to kiss. Anyway thank you for the advice and support. It is appreciated.
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Old 07-18-2009, 11:25 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. Married, old flame back in life

you say she married an alcoholic.

you also say you were both drunk when you spoke.

you also mention you previously had an affair.

respectfully, i suspect both of you lack appropriate boundaries.

and married or unmarried, with the other woman or not, that will always come back to bite you in the arse.
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Old 07-18-2009, 01:06 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. Married, old flame back in life

Hear that sucking sound?

It isn't a blow job: it is the MESSY QUAGMIRE you are about to get sucked into if you don't get a grip.

Your post tells me that you at least CARE not to go down the
slippery slope....of lies and messy secrets.

The BEST thing you can do is JOIN FORCES with your WIFE. To do this you must tell her that you have issues with her best friend hanging around. It is the truth.

You will need to explain to your wife you NEED HER HELP to fight this sucking sound, you need HER awareness of the situation to HELP you to not cross the line to infidelity AGAIN.

Good luck. As you already KNOW, you mess around with this woman, divorce your wife, the only thing you will have in 3-5 years is the SAME life you have right NOW! So save your energy and work with the tools you already have.
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Old 07-18-2009, 01:19 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. Married, old flame back in life

Have a threesome
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Old 07-18-2009, 01:57 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. Married, old flame back in life

Move to Utah and marry them both?




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Old 07-18-2009, 01:59 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NothingMan View Post
Move to Utah and marry them both?




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Old 07-18-2009, 04:26 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. Married, old flame back in life

Bad idea! You think your life is messy now??????
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Old 07-18-2009, 04:59 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. Married, old flame back in life

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandy55 View Post
The BEST thing you can do is JOIN FORCES with your WIFE. To do this you must tell her that you have issues with her best friend hanging around. It is the truth.

You will need to explain to your wife you NEED HER HELP to fight this sucking sound, you need HER awareness of the situation to HELP you to not cross the line to infidelity AGAIN.

Good luck. As you already KNOW, you mess around with this woman, divorce your wife, the only thing you will have in 3-5 years is the SAME life you have right NOW! So save your energy and work with the tools you already have.
I can't tell my wife about her friend. This is her best friend in the whole world. They grew up and went to school together. My wife has described her as a soulmate. That is what is so screwed up about this whole situation. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I don't think I should mess around with a friendship that deep. If you ask my wife that bond is probably as strong as our marriage if not stronger.

I wish I was never put in this situation in the first place. Even though I am attracted to her and have thought of her through the years I kept it to myself. Now the cat is out of the bag. She admitted her feelings are just as strong as mine. If she never got pregnant and married we would probably be together today. I knew her before I knew my wife.

The other problem is is that even though I know I can't or shouldn't act on the situation my emotions are all mixed up. I can actually feel it in the pit of my stomach and I can't stop thinking about her.

I wish I could be with them both but this is reality and it probably wouldn't work. Even though that is what her sister suggested. There are jealousy issues, my wife has gained weight over the years and is insecure, my wife would also probably freak out just finding out what her best friend thought of me. For the 1st couple years we were married she would tell me that I probably wished I married her best friend.

So basically I can't tell my wife. This is her best friend in the entire world, and a "soulmate". I never thought I would feel this conflicted before. Even though I know what is right my feelings for the friend are stronger than I thought.
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