General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have been married for 15 years and have 3 kids. My wife decides to tell me, "I love you but, I'm not in love with you anymore."
We talked about it immediately and stated that she has felt like this over the past 6-7 years.
A little history... we married when I was 25 and she was 23. Me from NY and she from FL. We met in the military, got married, etc. Her desires were the beach, sun, florida, etc. Where as I not so much a beach or water guy. She loves animals...me not so much as I believe in having enough time to dedicate toward them. So, I would rather spend it with the kids as it's not fair to the animals. But, maybe I'm wrong there??
After marriage we have spent 12 years living in NY. She states that she was never really happy there and would express it from time to time complaining about the weather, taxes, etc. Funny, but, I always stood a firm ground due to my displeasures with Florida, hot, etc.
Her stepmother had become very ill. She expressed her sorrow for her dad and the need to be back around family and friends. I was not overly enthused about NY and decided she deserved this. So, we decided to start over and move to FL almost over night. No jobs lined up, needed to still sell the house, and get a new home in FL. We could not afford both so we decided she would go ahead with the kids and live with her dad. Her job allowed her to work from home during the transition. I stayed back, worked, looked for a new job, and traveled back and forth every 2-3 weeks to see her and the kids.
Her Dad was going through a tough time as his wife was dying from cancer and left with a son with asperger's. They kept a very messy house and he was very destructive. The father was very depressed and is an alcoholic. So, if you picture a 4 bdr home with my wife at one end of the house and the 3 kids at the other with the impossible lifestyle separating it all. You got the picture.
My job finally allowed me to work from home and I was able to join them in FL in those living conditions as we waited on the sale of the house in NY. 7 mos. of hell and it finally came together. We get a steal on a beautiful home and have been living here for 3 months. She had picked up a new hobby. Reading books and they happen to be romance novels. Now this...
So, I have done a lot of soul-searching and know that we have done the typical couples things. Tit for tat, less QT, not respectful, anger, depression, and not very nice at times to one another. I am willing to work on it as I realize all these things. I also feel the move has made it easier for her to say and do to try to move on. She is talking about seeking counseling to figure out why she cannot tear down this wall she has put up. I have also thrown the question out, "Were you ever really in love with me?" I got, "I don't know we were young." I know this seems all over the place but, it feels good to type it all out even though she doesn't really want to talk about it or acknowledge any wrong doing since I have expressed my faults.
My story is so very similar to yours so please dont feel that you are alone out there.
I too met my husband very young, and I am certain that has an impact on the relationship. I am also sure he thinks 'the grass is greener'. We may have got stuck in a rut and they can only see one way out.
I would say the fact she is still with you and maybe willing to go to counselling is a positive thing, but I can totally understand your heartache and fears. You feel helpless. Maybe you could suggest you go to counselling with her?
Thank you. I did forget to include more detail because I thought I was rambling enough. We did agree in principal to go to counseling together. But, she feels she needs to go for herself first to figure out why she will not break down her wall she has put up. I do fear we will never make it to a couples counseling but, it is out of my hands at this point.
I just believe the romance novels, the move down here, has all made it easier to just give up.
It's sad that we've worked so hard to get to this point yet, somewhere have lost ourselves. Just never seems to be enough time in a day to do all the things you need to do. Something always falls behind.
I know exactly how you are feeling. I am facing the prospect of losing my husband after 25 years together.
We both work, go to the gym and what I realise in hindsight was the most important thing, us, sort of got left behind.
I understand her need to go to counselling on her own first, all you can do is support her and wait. Thats all I am doing right now.
I really feel my husband is depressed as, like you, there has been so much happening in his life recently, not unlike your wife. But he doesn't see this at all.
Well we have had our moments of talking about throwing in the towel before. I don't believe we ever really tried though. Not that because this seems desperate either. I don't have that feeling of desperation. I want to be a better person, husband, father, and friend. I did some soul-searching and do realize my faults. I don't like some of them and will get help with that.
But, maybe because of the time frame (of feeling the way she does) she just doesn't want to let me back in. I think based on if she gets this job and the feedback from the kids will make it all that much easier.
It just seems very selfish, dishonest, and frustrating.
Sorry about your situation too. 25 years is a lot invested and life is short. I just hate "the give up" and it seems too easy now a day. All I can say is being depressed does stem from something. It doesn't happen over night. I wish you the best too and thx.
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