Need help/strength giving wife her space while we go through counseling - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-20-2009, 02:07 PM Thread Starter
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Need help/strength giving wife her space while we go through counseling

My wife and I are in our second week of marriage counseling and I'm in need of help and strength to give her time and space that she needs while we go through this. I know I can't be telling her every hour how much I love her, miss her and want our lives back but it's hard to sit back and do nothing.
She is very angry at me and revealed in our last session that every time she sees me she wants to punch me in the face.

Great huh? I can't blame her, I was deceitful about a debt I had when we got married. Didn't want to face it or admit it so I did the cowardly thing of hiding it. She has never been able to get over it, it came to a head about a month ago when I said we needed to be husband and wife again and not roommates like we had turned into over the past two years. After our youngest child was born we began to drift apart.

She tried talking to me during that time, even suggested counseling but I thought everything was ok. Talk about being stubborn. If only I could turn back the clock. I am now saying and doing EVERYTHING she wanted me to say and do the past two years but she is now filled with this anger and hatred towards me that she wants nothing to do with it.

I love my wife and can't bear to think about not being able to kiss my kids goodnight every night. My wife is still here, still wears her wedding band and has stated that divorce is not an option. But I need some advice as to how to act during this period. Do I keep my mouth shut and hope that through time and counseling things may get better? I'm trying to be as strong as I can for myself and for our children but it gets so overwhelming at times.

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-20-2009, 02:26 PM
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Re: Need help/strength giving wife her space while we go through counseling

Best advice is to be distant, but available. Makes sense, huh?

Don't ask her questions, or the "how am I doing" stuff. Don't bring up any of your problems or concerns for the time being. But if she asks things of you, be there and be supportive and be open and honest. If in therapy, they'll get to your side eventually and she will bring it to you.

Be polite, give pleases and thank yous, and things like that, but don't be too gushy, etc.

Give her an "I love you" every once in a while, but don't make it too much. Give her compliments only in a situation in which it would be normal and appropriate to give. Too many compliments and weird times, especially in a situation like this, make the compliments seem empty. If she get's dressed up for something (work, going out, whatever) simply tell her she looks very pretty. Don't start telling her how pretty she is when she first wakes up in the morning with her eyes half shut and her hair all over the place.

But yeah, overall, just try to be normal for right now. Try sticking to what you would normally do. And let her come to you if she needs to.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-20-2009, 02:26 PM
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Re: Need help/strength giving wife her space while we go through counseling

Read Dobson’s “Love Must be Tough” to help you with some aspects. It is normal to try and avow your love and dedication to her but it is falling on deaf ears. Actions speak louder than words so improve on the things you need to help heal the marriage. Don’t dote on her but be there for her if she needs to talk about things. If there isn’t anything new to talk about don’t rehash the same issues. A scratched scab can’t heal.

Been there, done that, it can get better.


Confidence Love Patience Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-20-2009, 02:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need help/strength giving wife her space while we go through counseling

Thanks so much for the advice, I really appreciate it.
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