Originally Posted by Shadow_Nirvana View Post
But as always something has confused me deeply. I give you a passage from the book:
"Couples are continuing to get married without having a clear vision or purpose for their lives together; yet purpose is no longer built into marriage because people no longer need to stay together for survival. What this means is that many people have made, and are continuing to make, a commitment to stay together for no reason and to do nothing forever.
This was never never never
me or my husband's attitude when we planned & looked forward to marriage... It was forever , us together, we waited a long time & we had a perfect "peace" going in. Compatibility
was on our side.
Shadow_Nirvana said : Great relationships foster mutual growth and fulfillment. Great relationships serve to inspire, help and support each partner in discovering and following their passions and in fulfilling both an individual and a shared purpose.
You just described what I would call "INTERdependence
Explained like this >>
Interdependence is being mutually dependent, or simply being dependent on each other . Two people in a healthy relationship are said to be interdependent. In contrast to existing alone, it is a voluntary recognition that “no man is an island,” and that we must co-inhabit the space in which we live.
Being an adult requires compromise, sacrifice, acceptance, forgiveness, and honesty.
Lets face it we all make mistakes and choose to be child-like or parent-like at times in our marriage, but we can achieve love and connection through healthy choices. The specific behaviors tied to an adult-adult marriage are assertiveness, validation, apologizing, active listening, responsibility, and the ability to resolve conflict. Healthy couples are respectful, complimentary, supportive, secure, and flexible. Healthy marriages focus more on the present rather than the past or the future and are able to let issues go. Adult partners accept when their partners assert “no,” allow each other individuality, and lead balanced lives.
In other words, healthy couples are not consumed in each other’s world nor are they totally separate, but have a good amount of both connectedness and independence; they are interdependent. As I’ve said before, marriage takes work and is probably the most challenging relationship since you’re around your spouse 24/7. Marriage also can be the most rewarding and fulfilling relationship you’ll ever experience in life. Most things in life that are valuable require time, effort, and energy, and marriage is no different. Decide to be an adult, improve your marriage, and focus on changing yourself, not others. The benefits of a healthy marriage are priceless. Interdependence In Marriage ... Interdependent Communication
Shadow_Nirvana said :This is the transition that relationships today are making. The purpose of relationships is changing from survival to mutual growth and fulfillment. Many couples have arrived, and will continue to arrive, at the same relationship crossroads that you now face. The degree of pain and suffering they experience will depend on whether they confront the situation head on or choose to avoid it. Unfortunately, many people are choosing the painful route of avoidance, which means they are choosing to live in limbo instead of moving forward into a more passionate and purposeful life."
" destroys everything once beautiful & builds a slow growing resentment wall in addition. .. We all need to be on guard against Apathy
as well >> A is for Apathy: What Happens when You Don't Care Anymore?
Apathy, unconcern, indifference, lack of interest, lack of emotion. It's what creeps into the marriage when one or both spouses aren't watchful.
§ It happens when they allow the fire for each other to go out.
§ It happens when couples fill their individual lives with other people, events and interests to the point that the otherness is preferred over togetherness.
§ It's when your husband stops chasing after you.
§ It's when a couple shares a bed and not much else.
§ It's when you look at him and wonder where your husband went.
§ It's when he looks at you, and he is too exhausted to try anymore.
§ It's when you no longer grieve when you hear about someone else's divorce, because you personally know how it can happen.
Okay, easy enough to understand up till here. But... what is exactly mutual growth and purposeful marriage? I have absolutely no idea of what a fulfilling, purposeful marriage can truly be. Is mutual growth taking cooking lessons together? Is it reading a book together? Wtf is it? I've been thinking about what it is, you know, in a non-abstract way, and I haven't come up with a solid answer.
I just feel it is sharing the same dreams, goals, it helps to have the same beliefs, VISION for the future..... do you both want to parent... or have a shared passion for another cause that children would hamper your lifestyle... is not 2 better than 1 in this life - no matter what it is? To have a helpmate by our side, cheering us on, holding our hand.. .I look at my husband as the "Wind beneath my Wings"... I have no desire to be alone in this world.. every good thing that has ever come into my life has been through this Union.