I have talked to my wife about the problem. At this point we have realized that she has very little to no sex drive but we do not know what to do. It is not that she is tired. I now do most of the house cleaning and cooking. She knows I love her very much.
She doesn't understand why I can't just use her body for sex. To me it just feels bad. There is also a lack of affection, just the basic hug and kiss. This has been going on for years and I have no idea what to do. This is the way she is and I can't make her want sex. Any suggestions? Like I said I don't like/want to cheat and I promised myself never to do it again. The lies, secrets, and the possibility of hurting people is just too much. Do I just have to live a sexless life until the day die?
Well here's my essay. From a married woman's perspective I don't think you should have to live like that. I think you have made a good decision in deciding not to cheat any longer, it will NOT help the situation. However, I urge you to try anything you can in the meantime to get your wife to understand your point of view and your feelings. From what you've said (cheating before, getting hit on etc...) I'm thinking it's only a matter of time before you throw caution to the wind again and cheat. If your not satisfied at home you will get it from somewhere else, weather it's another woman, or constant porn etc... And that is certainly going to ruin your marriage more than telling your wife the truth- that you are not happy, your don't feel desired or loved by her and you NEED her to make love.
Now for solutions. Ask your wife to go to see a doctor to see if they can help. Perhaps there are some medications they can prescribe to stir her hormones. You can also try to make her feel good about herself and make her feel sexy. Compliment her, buy her perfume (I would say lingerie but that will most likely backfire at this point), book her a spa day etc...And don't just stop there, make sure you're desirable too. Wear cologone again, dress in clothes she likes, pop in a breathmint (bad breath for me is the biggest killer of sex). Do all the things you would do at the beginning, or if you were with another woman. I know some men don't try at all to look good for their wives and all of a sudden pick up a mistress and start working out and looking good. If they would have put that energy into their wife they may not have ever looked at another woman.
I read a study once that said the more you have sex the more you desire it. If the sex drive is not stimulated in your brain, your brain will literally forgets about sex. As soon as you stop having and thinking about sex, your brain will stop desiring it. As soon as you start having and thinking about sex you desire it even more. So maybe she just needs to restart the sex drive in her brain by having it even when she's not in the mood. The other guy also had a great idea on buying her toys. Porn maybe not if you ask me. Watching my man get turned on by some fake skank is not a turn on for me. I want my husband to me turned on by me. My husband and I do get really turned on when we shop together at a toy store. I'm never in the "mood" when we use toys, but they're like Ruffles,once you start it you just can't stop. I would find it really hard to believe that if she had a bunny on her downstairs business for 15 minutes that she would not be turned on. She may not have a sex "drive" persay, but she can't be totally numb down there! Unless of course she is numb down there, in which case scratch everything I've said and rush her to the nearest hospital.
It also sounds like your wife may not fully understand the implications of your sexless marriage. A sexless marriage=loveless marriage=divorce. Many women believe men are the sterotypical mindless sex drones portrayed on tv. They think men are lucky to be having sex at all and will take it whenever and however they can. If you can explain to her that you don't just want to F*ck you want to make love to her, which includes her responding to you. Explain to her that you need to feel loved and you need to feel that closeness with her. You need to feel the most intimate act that is only between you & her. Sex is one of the most important acts that defines a marriage, that differentiates your relationship from roomates. You need the passion and the love. A marriage is consumated by making love because this is the most intimate expression of love there is. Sex is what brings you closer. Sex is not only to get off, its a physical manifestation of the love you share. She should at least want to kiss you, hug you, and feel desired as well. You may need to explain to her that you are asking for affection and love making from her and your'e not sure how long you can continue living like this. If she understands your point of view and realizes the gravity of the situation I would think she would want to do whatever she possibly could to increase her sex drive and enrich her relationship.
Bottom line is if you have the wonderful relationship you've described it sounds like she loves you. When you love someone you want them to be happy and you want to fufill their needs. If you have had a serious discussion about your feelings and needs with her I'm sure she won't object to trying to fufill your needs in anyway she can. I don't think it's too much to ask. It's not like you're asking her to become a swinger with you. If she refuses to try anything (within reason of course) to increase her sex drive well then you should get counseling because obviously she is not even trying to meet your needs.