General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I know that I have to show my wife in the long run that I am a changed man to have any chance of earning her and her trust back. However I am just getting so frustrated right now. She only calls when she wants to complain about someone or for the kids. Never to see how I am or what I am doing, but she sure will hit me up for gas money, money to take the girls somewhere or whatever favor she may need. I am wondering if it is even worth the trouble to go through all this or maybe just move on now.. I dont know, maybe I need support, maybe it's advise I am seeking. Either one would be appreciated because my mind is just spinning and racing when it comes to her. I dont know if I am making right or wrong decisions, so I have just decided to not answer the phone when she calls.
Yeah we kind of need more information before we can really say. For my situation he asked me for the separation & a week ago I told him that I was filing for divorce. We have a child but he has made no attempt to have a contact with her. Even now that she is back he is in denial that he did anything wrong when it comes to their relationship.
I chose to move on not just for myself but for her.
Well I am a recovering alcoholic been sober only about 2 months. I have done it all to her, lied cheated, etc. She has been dealing with that for ten years. Its all my fault. It doesnt matter now anyway, after a 2 hour conversation tonight, we have decided not to drag it out any longer. I am devestated and angry. I kind of just said listen your gonna have to learn to trust me or learn to try, and I told her instead of dragging it out then I need to just move on because she does not know if she will ever come around so I guess I just didnt have the patience to keep showing her I have changed. I guess I wanted reassurance that there could be a chance of her falling and she said she could not say either way so I said fine. I will move on and not wait a year just for her to say no, when I should have been healing in the first place. I dont know if its right or wrong but it is what it is I guess. I hope it was the right choice.
I realize that my drinking is but a symptom of other underlying issues that I am working on. but for you to call me a bully is just ridiculous. I have never been and have no plans to ever be a bully. I dont ever need for people to see it my way. Not to mention that I avoid arguments like the plague. I dont fight or complain I am the farthest thing from a bully, just the opposite. But thanks for telling me all the other things that I already knew. Your so far off the mark that it is funny.
I realize that my drinking is but a symptom of other underlying issues that I am working on. but for you to call me a bully is just ridiculous. I have never been and have no plans to ever be a bully. I dont ever need for people to see it my way. Not to mention that I avoid arguments like the plague. I dont fight or complain I am the farthest thing from a bully, just the opposite. But thanks for telling me all the other things that I already knew. Your so far off the mark that it is funny.
rc's point is, you're gonna make HER feel bullied if you try to put the reconciliation efforts on YOUR timetable. hey buddy, YOU f-ed up. you're telling HER to swallow your timetable? b6lls#!t!
not off the mark. gut up, be a man, show some remorse. let HER decide how much time is gonna fix ten years of you CRAP. then, maybe then, you'll get her back.
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separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
Come on people...he's here for help & support, just like we all are!
He's a recovering alcoholic. Just that alone is a BIG change.
Has he made mistakes? Yes. Have we? YES!
Dude, you're on the right path...just keep to it. Your wife will (eventually) see the changes in you. Yes, it will take time.
Will she acknowledge the changes? Maybe, eventually. Will you get her back? Maybe. It depends on her and whether or not she still loves you. And still wants a life with you. You did marry for a reason. Maybe there's still a spark of that reason still in her. But you will have to give her the time it takes.
BTW, I grew up in Dayton...go bucks!
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It ain't illegal until you're caught!
Yes, but he also needs to know that he is acting like a BULLY and self-absorbed, self-serving SOB.
OP, RC and V were right on target. It will take YEARS for her to trust you--and what if you slip up? 2 months is nothing in the battle you have ahead of you. You must become an open book for her--no secrets, no privacy. Until SHE is ready to give some back--which may be never, frankly, and that should be ok--you have forfeited any right to privacy. So what if you don't have it? You won't have anything to hide if you stick to your sobriety, so it won't be a problem. When you start to resent her "control," you will know you are heading down a dangerous path--it's not her, it's YOU.
I hope you are getting counseling and in AA, and that she is getting counseling, too, and any children you might have. Alcoholism is so, so damaging to children and families--please, regardless of whether or not your wife chooses to stay with you, do everything you can to help your kids avoid your mistakes--and you are not the person who can tell them that, or at least, they cannot hear it only from you.
I grew up with alcoholics and they did nothing but disappoint me time and time again. I had trust issues until I was 35 years old! Its a selfish addiction and depending on how you behaved towards your wife and family, it may take years of therapy to correct the wrongs.
All I can say is good luck man, you got an uphill battle on your hands.
My Dad was an alcoholic, and chose to change, but for him it was too late. Years of drinking had already destroyed his liver. So, in all honesty, I feel for you. I have no DOUBT you have put your wife, and your kids thru hell....my dad's drinking as well as PTSD from Nam killed my parents marriage, but my mom loved him till the day he died...still does actually. She just could NOT go thru the hell anymore.
You, dear, have a LONG road ahead of you. Quite honestly, if you love your wife and your family, you may want to rethink your ultimatium, and let her know that you are willing to work on your marriage, her trust, everything...on HER time frame. You have put her on YOUR time frame the entire time you've been drinking. What you screwed up in 10 years, she can't forgive in two months. She's likely terrified, not OF you, but of trusting you too soon, and then being drug down that road again.
Next time she calls, answer the phone! Swallow your pride, your hurt and your anger and ANSWER! Yeah, so what, she is asking you for money. You love her, your kids? Give her the money, with a smile on your face. Let her begin to trust that you WILL be there, even if its just as that type of support right now. If you; either of you feel comfortable in group settings, look into AA or Al-anon meetings. But, please don't give up unless you are 1000% sure its really what is the best. Keep working on yourself, no matter what. I wish every day that my dad had been able to find the strength in himself earlier, but it was just too late.
I understand and appreciate what everyone is saying. The things that you say are for the most part true, and I try everyday to be rid of the traits which describe an alcoholic (selfish, self seeking, prideful, self centered). It is terribly hard to see all that I have done and I do feel terrible because I know that is not me. My problem is this though, I am madly in love with this woman, that much I know for sure. But, do I wait and hold out hope for a year maybe 2, or more, just to hear that she can not do it anymore? When maybe I should just try and start healing now and not wait for years before I can start to let go. I just don't think I can or maybe don't know how to heal but at the same time be there for her and hold out hope that things may be ok. For the record I am active in AA, however she wants no part in Al-Anon.
seperation driving me crazy!!!
Re: seperation driving me crazy!!!
