If you are a woman in a similar situation as my wife, please refrain from responding. I am not really interested in hearing why I am so horrible or hearing about all the things I am doing wrong. Or worse, I don't want you criticizing me for the faults of your own husbands. In other words, if your first thought begins "Well, have you ever considered how your behavior..." then please just go on to the next thread.
Pretty insightful post for a newbie. Good show.
Open a beer (or two) and read this thread. Talk about bad advice he got. Blindsided by my wife, she doesn't love me nor want me. She wants a divorce
I just wrote this novel on page 26 of that thread. See if it helps you at all.
Good luck. You made the right decision to move on.
Originally Posted by wilderness View Post
"The first question I would be asking is: how do you plan on compensating me for the last 5 years of my life? The years that were stolen via deception."
I can't believe I was the only one that caught this. About 3 years ago I started to try to fix what was a rut in my marriage. Although she did and said (mostly) the right things, I could tell her heart wasn't in it. When I would back off, she was right back in front of the TV and turning her back to me in bed. When I'd press again, it was back to, what appeared to me, doing what I wanted just long enough to get me off of her back again.
Well, in one heated exchange, when pressing her for answers, she said a few things. Things meant for me to just shut up and leave her alone. But in that one awful moment, I realized she didn't love me. Hadn't for a long time. As long as 10 years. And not only that, in that one instance, from having been on these forums for a while at that point, I even realized she was never coming back. Kind of the way I felt about Anon's marriage before I even left the first page.
You talk about a blow to the gut. I felt a physical change in me. And not a good one. But back to Wilderness' comment. As my present got crushed and my future became uncertain, my mind kept drifting to the past. The past is history. It can't change, right?
All of those hugs. All of those kisses. All of that snuggling and hand-holding. All of that talk of love and how we were planning our life together. Where will we live. Grandkids. All of that goofy stuff that a man will do and say to a woman who loves him. It's touching when there is love. When no, it's just kind of pathetic.
I love to kiss, and I haven't kissed a woman who has wanted to kiss me in what is now pushing 14 years or more. Of all of the things I hate about her now, stealing the past 14 years from me is the most agonizing.
14 years of my life, nearly erased.
I knew this script from the first post. Oh, sure. I knew there was a possibility of an OM. But from page 1, if I had to bet $1,000 on if there was an OM, I'd have bet against in a heartbeat.
I'm actually kind of surprised at the "she's cheating" mentality that took over. A lot of veteran posters with a lot of good advice under their belts do not know the power of a walk-away wife (I still hate that term). Maybe until you've lived it, you can't understand. How many of you say "ILYBINILWY = affair 99% of the time". How wrong that is. Most of the time ILYB... means just that.
And I'm glad the gender war was averted. 99% of the time women say "how could you have been blindsided, I told you EVERY DAY this was my problem". Yet 99% of the time, men are blindsided.
I'll tell you what. My revelation was probably more powerful than getting the speech. With the speech, you're like, "WHAT? You don't love me? How can that possibly be? And for how long? In this marriage that is the envy of the neighborhood? And it's been like this for HOW LONG? How can I be 50 years old and not know this can happen?
When mine hit, that was the last piece that made the puzzle complete. It was like a movie where all of the tumblers lock into place when you hit that last number in the code. I was devestated.
Thousands of years of marritial evolution, hundreds of years of psychoanalysis, 20 years of internet websites like this and we sill have wives leaving the marriage and not telling their husbands. And most amazingly, people blindsided by it.
I will teach my son's about this. I will try to teach my daughter, but I obviously don't know the female mind. Oprah was onto something when they first started the walk-away discussion on her show. Then Tom Cruize jumped on her couch like an idiot or Madonna or Branjolina adopted a new African baby and we were onto other things. Leaving this discussion undiscussed and with a horrible name (A walk-away is a walk-away precicely because she did NOT walk-away. If she actually PHYSICALLY leaves the marriage, it's something else).
2013 and people STILL don't get this. A lot of ruined lives. The husbands, the wives, the children. And we're STILL not dealing with it when it needs to be dealt with. Months BEFORE "I do". Do you see BEFORE in caps? That is the most important word I have ever typed on this forum. BEFORE they get married.
Good luck Anon, but get out while those chicks are still checking you out. She's not coming back. I'm still putting that $1,000 on it.
Take it from me: it's a LOT different when you're in your 50's.