Newbie who's relationship needs help

LoLo · 01-27-2008, 12:39 AM

Hello,
I found while searching for relationship counseling.
History:
I live with my boyfriend of 7yrs. We are almost 30 and w'eve been dealing with the same issues for sometime now, I'm not sure what to do. It seems that were stuck in rut of going nowhere I've been really bothered by the fact that he has not asked me to marry him, we are pretty much married we share bank accounts, live together, have our bills together etc. I have brought up the issue for sometime now and it seems to lead to arguments and him saying it's just a piece of paper and it will be sooner then later.
Our relationship has fallen flat we just seem to have nothing to really talk about when we go out to dinner besides other peoples problems. He's not a very affectionate person which bothers me and our work scheduals are different I work days he works nights. I fell insecure and I've become quite jealous I check his phone bill,check his email, check the bank acct., question him on who's calling. He comes home to me everynight and I should trust him but I cant help it.
Today we had a big blow out he got a text message saying "come out side I wanna play" from a number he did not recognize it brought up jealous feelings and we began to argue over the same stuff I took his phone and he tried to get it back from me. It got to the point where he took his stuff and is going to stay at his moms.

Ques. Is this worth saving and if so how? I do love him and I know he loves me but is he in love? and is it to much to ask about wanting to get married?
Thank you. please help

emate1209 · 01-27-2008, 07:58 AM

Hi Lolo,

There appears to be a few issues here on this one thread so I'll try and address them as I see it.

Marriage
I don't think it's unreasonable for a person to ask a partner of 7 years to get married. Despite that fact that you are in a de facto relationship does not mean you should not enter the sacred institution called marriage which still holds some good virtues!

You may have to explain to him that marriage is something you want and that he may have to consider this to keep you. On the other hand you may have to live with the fact that he considers marriage just a piece of paper and whether you can accept that or not. So it really then becomes an issue for both of you to make a decision because this issue will not go away, especially from your point of view.

Jealousy and Trust
One of the hardest emotions to control is jealousy and if you suspect foul play then you have that right to feel jealous and at the same time become concerned about whether you can trust him or not.

One thing that you may have to do, however, is to find out whether he is being "dishonest" in the relationship or not without making him feel that you're watching over his shoulder. No one likes to be watched 24 hours a day let alone have their mobile phone checked.

This then comes back to the trust issue. You will either have to learn to trust him or if you do suspect foul play then you have to identify who, how, what etc. If there is no fact and evidence to talk about then you will forever be suspecting something which will drive you crazy.

Love and Sharing
From the sound of your post you love him dearly yet you seem to have virtually nothing in common. You also seem to spend little time together because you have different working hours.

I am probably being a little sarcastic here but both of you say you love one another but don't seem to really mean it? Only you and your partner will know truly.

I don't think after 7 years you want to be "in love" with your partner but you want to "be loved" by offering and receiving genuine "interest" in one another.

To say that you have nothing to talk about at dinner and he shows no affection is not a love problem but a human relationship problem which means there is no communication. Quite simply, relationships will live or die if there isn't the right level of communication.

In conclusion, I sincerely hope that after 7 years you decide on what you want and how you want your relationship to work. I think by age 30 you have the maturity to talk about the issues with your partner. At dinner try and talk about your problems and not some other couples. Communication and talking about relationship issues begins with looking into your own backyard.

All the best.

Cheers

LoLo · 01-28-2008, 12:27 AM

Thank you emate for your advise you did bring up some key points that I haven't thought about. I really like what you said about not wanting to be "in love" but to "be loved" it true it seems we are failing in that sense. Marriage is important to me and I can not compraise on that. But I don't want him to propose because he feels he has to. My jealousy does come from some past issues of his wondering eye..when we were on a very short break.

I'm just having a hard time coming to terms with the idea that we may not be right for each other. My heart aches at the thought of that. He's not very into communitcating and I was wondering if anyone has tried relationship workshops or counseling and if it really helps? I am on a tight budget and really can't afford expensive retreats or pricey therapy any suggestions?

sarahdale24 · 02-03-2008, 04:13 AM

a successful relationship must come with good communication. I hope things get well for you. I agree with emate! Very good points.