Hello, I feel a little awkward posting here, but I feel that my marriage really needs help. I have tried going to marriage counselors, but never felt comfortable talking to them because no matter how nice they are, they always seem very condescending and non-personal. I finally decided it may be easier to talk on the computer, and thought I might give it a go.
I wasn't really sure where to start, and I am afraid if I start to vent, my message will become 3 or more pages long! I decided the best way to start is give a little background information. My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years now, and have been together for a little over 3 years. We are both still very young (I'm 22, and he's 21). He's in the military while I work as well as go to school online. We don't have any kids as of right now, but we always planned to have kids.
As with many young marriages (I have heard all the stories), we moved very quickly. There wasn't much dating involved before moving in together. The jump to living together was out of necessity at the time because I needed a new apartment and he didn't want to move with his mother out of city and leave me. We really weren't together very long when this happened though. The first year was a rocky one, but we were happy and ecstatic that we had made it, so we decided to get married, and then he rushed off to join the military because he wanted to make a better life for us.
Everything seemed great at first, but our little arguments here and there started turning into fights that gradually increased in intensity. These would usually last a few months, and then there would be a lull in the storms and life would be grand again until one or the other of us finally exploded again and the fights would be even worse than before. Our most recent series of explosions ended with me giving him my wedding ring and me sleeping on the couch. After that, he became terrified that I was going to actually leave him and he did everything to win me over again.
After these last fights, I really started thinking about myself, my relationship with my husband, and where I was going in life. I am still young and I still have dreams, and I have just been handing the gift a lifetime to make my dreams come true (a story for another day). The worst part about it is that I feel held back because of my husband. It's not to say that I don't care for him or love him. I just feel that we have grown so far apart and we are headed in entirely separate directions. I feel as though I love him more as a very close friend than someone I wish to spend the rest of my life with.
Because of all of this I am wracked with guilt and shame and become very depressed. Several close friends that I have confided in suggested I talk to him about the way I have been feeling, but when I do start to bring it up, I just get the hurt puppy-eyes from him and I feel so horrible that I manage a weak smile and tell him nevermind. I think that this not only hurts me, it hurts hium as well because in a sense it is lying to him.
I don't know if this marriage can be saved. As I have said, I do still love him. I feel horrible because I always see and hear about others who have abusive husbands or alcoholic husbands or some other very horrible thing, and that isn't the case at all. I feel like I should appreciate what I have, but I find that I don't allow myself to BE myself around him. I tend to be lazy and fall into bad habits. When he leaves to go on training for weeks or maybe a month at a time, I find I am happiest. I keep the house cleaner, I go out for long walks with my dog, I manage to get things done I might not otherwise get done, I sleep better. But again, this all makes me feel guilty and ashamed, and I am afraid of hurting my husband.
I am stuck on what I should do! I feel I am in denial of the right answer, but I don't know how to confront it. If anyone has any suggestions at all, I would greatly appreciate them. I apologize for starting to ramble, but I think I needed to finally get some of this out of my system. I haven't felt comfortable talking to anyone around me (friends, counselors, etc.) because I am afraid something would get back to my husband before I have a chance to talk to him myself.
Firstly you've done the right thing and "vented" in this forum. It's a good way to actually collect your thoughts and then expressing them in writing.
My first impression is that you've walked into an institution called marriage that requires a lot of commitment, compromise and patience.
I suspect that all of the three attributes to a successful marriage mentioned above are something that is going to be hard for you to relate to now in your current state of mind.
My hope is that you can sit down and be brutally honest with him about the way you feel. I think it's unfair for him not to have a chance to offer his opinion on this situation.
I also hope that if you do decide to end this relationship that you are true to yourself and understand why you are deciding to end the relationship. You should at least walk away from this experience and learn something from it.
My thoughts are that you need to do what most young women need to do before they get married and that is to pursue your dreams, be it studies or travel, then consider relationships with the hope that your partner can share in your dreams.
By sacrificing who you are and losing your identity is destined for a very rocky long term relationship.
When you say you really enjoy him not being around and that you are yourself when he's gone suggests to me that you're not quite ready for a long term relationship.
Despite this thought, I truly hope you can save this marriage with open and honest communication with your hubby.
If you cannot resolve your feelings about possibly ending the relationship then I sincerely hope you claim your identity and go for your dreams. That way you'll be better prepared to commit to a long term relationship.
Your relationship can be saved easily. All the two of you have to do is learn how to truly communicate better. Even if you don't stay with your husband it will help you in any relationship you ever have.
Now as far as you feeling guilty. That is natural, you are creating a self fulfilling prophesy. You feel guilty so you do busy stuff because you are happy and your brain emites chemicals of satisfaction because you did well.
If you really through that same energy into your marriage you would have a similar happiness when that goes well.
If you are making it, and going to college (improving yourself) how is your husband holding you back?
Your husband should be a part of your life.
However, if you feel you do not want the marriage at all, then it is done. I would suggest to really try first because husbands like yours are rare. But you have to choose what you want.
If you are making it, and going to college (improving yourself) how is your husband holding you back?
I would suggest to really try first because husbands like yours are rare.
Draconis, even though I go to college, when classes start, he gets jealous of the time I spend in class because he feels that I ignore him, but between classes, we never spend any more time together than when I was in class.
The story that I mentioned before that was for another day has to do with my school. I just found out I had a benefactor that has a trust fund in my name that will pay for all the college I want or need and more. As soon as my husband found out about this, he saw it as an opportunity to pay off his own bills and but a new TV or go on vacation. When I tried to discuss with him that this money can only be used for what it is meant for, he got angry and said that it is "our" money and not mine because we are married and I wasn't allowed to shut him out like that. (This trust fund has been around since I was in middle school.)
When I say that he holds me back, I should have explained more. I was just trying not to make my message longer than it already was. First, his job always, without exception, takes priority over me. I tried recently to talk to him about this, but he denies it and won't listen to my reasoning.
During our marriage, I gained a lot of weight that I had lost prior to being married. Now I am having to see the doctor because I am starting to have health problems due to gaining weight so quickly. The doctors have asked him to quite smoking (which he completely ignores) because I have troubles breathing. He won't even compromise and smoke outside instead of in the house. I'm supposed to be going on a diet, which I try very hard to keep to, but knowing that I am still weak, he'll go get pizza and other unhealthy foods. When I tell him what I would like him to get from the grocery store when i don't have time to go, my list gets completely ignored. Even though I could make something healthy while he eats unhealthy, we don't make enough money to support buying two different grocery lists, so I am forced into eating the unhealthy foods.
Before we were married, I was very active. I took walks all the time, when I got home from work, I would clean house until it was spotless again, I did great at work, I saved money. All of this has been declining. I don't take walks anymore, I don't clean hardly ever anymore because I get tired of picking everything up only for it to be destroyed an hour later. I bounce between jobs because I get so emotional at home now that it gets carried over to work until it becomes uncomfortable to be around my coworkers. And every time I try to put something in savings, he finds some way or reason to take it out until I have nothing left. He has put us in the hole so many times I have lost count. Then he tries to say that he is the only one who has supported us the past couple of years only because his job is forcefully steady and that it is his money to spend.
I work a fairly good job now. It's only fast food, but it is a higher class fast food place and I was hired with the intentions of being made manager by the middle of February. I even get more hours than some of the other managers there. It's the first job where I actually enjoy working with all my coworkers and it pays fairly decent and leaves me plenty of time for my school as well. I'm trying very hard not to let my personal life spill over into work because I want to keep this job. I have made a vow to myself to put aside a certain amount of my check into my savings account to start building it up and I asked my husband to let me save and not to touch it (which hasn't worked too well just yet.) I was all the way up to $80, then we were about to go in the hole again so now I only have $15.
As you can see, my husband is far from perfect. I could go on about other things and probably will in the future, but these are the basics. Again, I am sorry for such a long post. As much as the last post seemed to sooth me by venting, this one has only served to make me angry because now I can't stop thinking about everything.
I am a very open person and not afraid to confront a problem if there is one. I have tried multiple times to discuss these things with my husband, but he either knows how to push my guilt buttons to make me be quiet, or he's just in denial about this being the way I see things. He's unwillingly to work with me, and I have tried to get inside his head to see if he has any similar feelings of wanting to be apart, but he closes himself off. I even mentioned doing a separation to give us both a chance to evaluate the relationship and where it's going, but all he can think about is what his command would think and he doesn't want them to find out. We live on post, so it's a hard thing to hide. I think he feels that if we do separate, it will only be for a short time then everything will be back to normal, but I'm not so sure...
If I remember from your first post you said your husband was military. If that is the case then he HAS to make that a priority, he can not go into work and such. Beyond that however, he should be doing stuff to help around the house.
I have to pause and wonder about your rapid weight gain. Could it have been from depression? If so exercise can really help you on three levels. You will release chemicals that make you feel happy, You will look better so you will be happy, and finally you will feel better on a physical level. Before exercising talk to your doctor. I understand to well the depression of weight gain. I have MD and over the years had put on 65 pounds. Last year I lost 40 of that and have been faithful about losing weight and doing rehab this year.
I also understand the two shopping lists. My wife is extremely thin and very fit. She can eat whatever she wants and doesn't gain a pound. I have to stick to a strict diet, exercise, medical devises, medication, and supplements.
Your husband should have no reason to be jealous that you have class, and you should feel no guilt. My wife at thirty wanted to go to college. Without me it never would have happened. I am happy she is doing it. She is a new woman that glows from the inside out and I can talk to on an intelligent level.
Also the idea of his job making more means nothing. My wife and I have flip flopped on this. I use to make about 3 times what she did. However, she now makes more then me. What matters in the end is that we are of one mind.
If you want to save I would suggest starting a secret account then every 500 or so put the money into a CD where you can not take the money out. Without your husband knowing you'll be better off. If you see the need then start it at a different bank.
Your posts confuse me. The first one you make him out to be great and not much wrong with him, the next post you make him out to be a monster.
One- Military is most important. Once you signed on the dotted line, you're stuck until you get out. Wives have to understand that to a T because you can't get around it without divorce. I can say that because I am a military wife. I HATE it how much time it takes of my husband, but I accepted that when we got married. Granted I know that wasn't your case. When he has to work birthdays, misses a hoilday, etc it sucks, but thats the life I'm in now. I wouldn't trade my husband for the world.
Two- NO ONE should make you feel guilty about going to school. That he is wrong for. I am in school, and I make time for my husband as well, however he knows that school is important to me. Have you tried telling him how important it is to you.
Three- I think some time apart would be benificial, however I am not a therapist. First off, you should sit him down and lay EVERYTHING you have a problem with out. Let him know you would like to work things out before taking other measures, communication is key! If that doesn't work, then seperation would be the next step.
Four- the thing with the money...NO it's your money to pay for college!!!!! That should be ALL it is used for, and or invested! Open a seperate account just for you. Whoever left you that money left it for YOU! Stick firmly to your guns on that one!
Hope things work out!
__________________ "I'd rather have three minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special" from the movie 'Steel Magnolias'
Your dreams should be part of your marriage. There is no reason to do it all before you get married, but you need to find a fellow who understands that room for growth is necessary for a marriage to survive.
Since you are struggling now, it is probably best that you end this before there are children and property issues. Then, pursue your dreams. It is in the pursuit of our dreams that we find partners willing to share them. When they do not share them, they are supportive and understanding, a far cry from the road block that most people associate with conventional marriage.
Torn and confused :\
