Mother's Day - a bit of a rant
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Old 03-09-2013, 10:27 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Mother's Day - a bit of a rant

Men Ė have you reminded your adult children that motherís day is imminent and do you remind them when your wifeís birthday is coming up?

I have to confess I feel put out with my H if he doesnít remind our kids coz sometimes they forget. Am I being over the top feeling this way? I recognise that even if my H reminds them they may choose not to do anything plus once adult they ought not to need to be reminded every time, but what irritates me is that my H doesn't seem to see this as something I should be expecting him to do. (I doubt that my father in law was the type to do this on my mother in law's behalf.)

Strangely, my H is appreciative if I remind him (my H) to get something for his own mother and often I am the one who buys him a card to give to his own mother and H thanks me for getting her card and for the reminder and will go visit her with flowers/a gift.

I should add that I donít expect my kids to spend loads of money on lavish cards, flowers or gifts. A text, small card, hug or kiss would be enough to make my day.

Sometimes I wonder if, rather than feel resentful about my H not reminding them perhaps itís best if I just stop reminding them about their Dad's birthday etc. once they are adults. But somehow "deliberately" not reminding them of their fatherís birthday/fatherís day makes me feel uncomfortable since two wrongs donít make a right. I would say I see it as part of my motherly duties to give out such reminders and hoped I had married a man who would feel the same way.

What happens in your family and do you feel resentful if you remind your kids but your spouse doesnít? Also if youíre a person who doesnít remind your kids, whatís your take on all this?
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Old 03-09-2013, 10:34 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mother's Day - a bit of a rant

I would just be surprised my hubby remembered, period. lol!!

My dad never reminded us of Mother's Day that I can recall. My mother, however, is on top of everything... Holidays, birthdays, etc. "Don't forget to call your dad and wish him a Happy Father's Day!!"

I don't need the reminders but it's sweet that she does that, especially when they're not even married anymore.

I don't think it's all that unreasonable for your husband to remind your children. After all, you're very special to your family and you do deserve a little recognition once in awhile. Is he reluctant to remind them for you? If so, why??
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Old 03-09-2013, 10:44 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mother's Day - a bit of a rant

As an adult child myself, I'm not reminded of my parents birthday. To me that speaks volumes of their priorities and respect for you, none. I would be ashamed to forget my mom's birthday.

They are adults and needed to be treated as adults, and consequences if they neglect their relationships. Do they expect you to remember their birthdays? Thought so...
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Old 03-09-2013, 11:01 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mother's Day - a bit of a rant

Nah, Mother's Day comes every year. No one should need to be reminded.

You know your children. You KNOW which one might forget, and which one won't. But it's not H's job to remind grown ups.
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Old 03-09-2013, 11:07 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mother's Day - a bit of a rant

I must have missed the part where they are adults. Oops. Kept seeing "kids" and figured they were still at home.
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Old 03-09-2013, 11:28 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mother's Day - a bit of a rant

Sorry I wasn't clear.

I have 3 kids, two at home, one of which is mid teens, the other is an adult (male), and the other one is adult (male) not living at home.

But adult or not, I generally like to remind them when special days are coming up and would like if my H do the same when my B/day or M/day is approaching.

I don't normally need reminding of other people's birthdays etc. In general it tends to be males who forget such things! (sounds sexist I know but that's what I perceive).
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Old 03-09-2013, 11:34 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Nah, Mother's Day comes every year. No one should need to be reminded.

You know your children. You KNOW which one might forget, and which one won't. But it's not H's job to remind grown ups.
Point taken. However I don't hear my H complaining when I remind my kids it's his b/day and the kids respond. (Mind you he isn't the type to complain either if someone didn't acknowledge his b/day for some reason.)

I guess this just means he doesn't care one way or the other about his b/day and probably wonders why I do care if they forget his, or my own, special day!
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Old 03-09-2013, 11:34 AM   #8 (permalink)
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My H remembers birthdays etc. on his side of the family, I remember my side. If its important they will remember. Bet the all your kids, teen and adult know when they can upgrade their phones! There is no reason to remember when they have you guys to remind them.
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Old 03-09-2013, 11:46 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mother's Day - a bit of a rant

My dad NEVER reminded me of birthdays or Mother's Day. If anything, it was up to my sister and I to remind each other, usually my sister to remind me. :-). But how can you mis Mother's Day? Hallmark makes it impossible to miss!

Really, they're adults. Time for them to start acting like it. They've probably got cell phone and electronic calendars all over the place, and they use them to set reminders for things that are important to them. As parents, you should have made sure they knew to take those steps when they were kids. It shouldn't be up to your husband to do it now.

C
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Old 03-09-2013, 11:49 AM   #10 (permalink)
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As an adult child myself, I'm not reminded of my parents birthday. To me that speaks volumes of their priorities and respect for you, none. I would be ashamed to forget my mom's birthday.

They are adults and needed to be treated as adults, and consequences if they neglect their relationships. Do they expect you to remember their birthdays? Thought so...
Hmm ....good question.

If I did forget I think they would be really quite shocked but probably would not complain overly - just maybe feel somewhat miffed and neglected or wonder what's up with mum coz it wouldn't be like me. My adult boys are not overly demonstrative or talkative and I have never not remembered their birthdays so not exactly sure.

My teenage daughter would probably take it more personally and say something, but still not throw a tantrum or anything.
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Old 03-09-2013, 12:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
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My dad NEVER reminded me of birthdays or Mother's Day. If anything, it was up to my sister and I to remind each other, usually my sister to remind me. :-). But how can you mis Mother's Day? Hallmark makes it impossible to miss!

Really, they're adults. Time for them to start acting like it. They've probably got cell phone and electronic calendars all over the place, and they use them to set reminders for things that are important to them. As parents, you should have made sure they knew to take those steps when they were kids. It shouldn't be up to your husband to do it now.

C
I must accept that you are of course absolutely right to say they will find a way of remembering things/dates which are important to them. Perhaps it is time I should step back and acknowledge to myself that it may not be important to them and try not to take it so personally - AND let H off the hook!

You've got me thinking now. Perhaps I should ask my adult kids if, in the future, they would like me to remind me about such days and then I can act accordingly. Likewise, should I ask my H to ask them if they want him to remind them about my b/day etc and he then act accordingly. (I say this as I know my H himself likes to be reminded!)

It's great that you and your sister took it upon yourselves to remind each other. I bet your mum appreciated this.
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Old 03-09-2013, 12:42 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mother's Day - a bit of a rant

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I must accept that you are of course absolutely right to say they will find a way of remembering things/dates which are important to them. Perhaps it is time I should step back and acknowledge to myself that it may not be important to them and try not to take it so personally - AND let H off the hook!

You've got me thinking now. Perhaps I should ask my adult kids if, in the future, they would like me to remind me about such days and then I can act accordingly. Likewise, should I ask my H to ask them if they want him to remind them about my b/day etc and he then act accordingly. (I say this as I know my H himself likes to be reminded!)

It's great that you and your sister took it upon yourselves to remind each other. I bet your mum appreciated this.
I still don't understand the problem. It takes about a minute to set up a reminder on your phone or electronic calendar, and everyone seems to have one these days. Teach them all how to do that. Use Mother's Day as your example, if you like.

C
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Old 03-09-2013, 12:58 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mother's Day - a bit of a rant

I have a really bad habit of forgetting peoples birthdays. My wife is really good at reminding me. If someone forgets mine no big deal, I don't take it personally. But I have a few people in my life act like its the end of the world.
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Old 03-09-2013, 02:43 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mother's Day - a bit of a rant

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I have to confess I feel put out with my H if he doesn’t remind our kids coz sometimes they forget. Am I being over the top feeling this way?
No. You're entitled to your feelings and you're entitled to express them. But own your own feelings. Don't assume that, just because those feelings would change for the better if your husband did what you'd like, he's obligated to do it.

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Originally Posted by Advocado View Post
what irritates me is that my H doesn't seem to see this as something I should be expecting him to do
Nor do I see it as something that you should 'expect' him to do. Where does this 'expectation' come from? Are you saying that your actions in reminding him of his mother's birthday and reminding your children of his birthday aren't freely and lovingly given, but are a sort of 'investment', done to ensure that you get a payback in the same terms?

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... Strangely, my H is appreciative if I remind him (my H) to get something for his own mother ...
Why is that strange? Are you seeing his appreciation as some sort of implicit acknowledgment that he's bought into the 'payback mode' mentioned above?

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Originally Posted by Advocado View Post
Sometimes I wonder if, rather than feel resentful about my H not reminding them, perhaps it’s best if I just stop reminding them about their Dad's birthday etc. once they are adults. But somehow "deliberately" not reminding them of their father’s birthday/father’s day makes me feel uncomfortable...
It's not a 'wrong' in any absolute sense to not remind your adult children. You see it as a wrong, because it goes against the grain with you. And I suspect an ulterior motive on your part if you stop reminding, which is to get your husband on board to do his allotted share of child-reminding. Setting the example is the carrot; withdrawing the example is the stick.

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I would say I see it as part of my motherly duties to give out such reminders ...
The emphasis on harmony, duty, and compliance with societally-sanctioned celebrations that shines through your OP is typical of Meyers-Briggs ESFJ types. If you're not familiar with M-B, you might find a 'welcome lounge' feeling if you establish your Type and see it reflected back to you in print - together with the Type's problems, frustrations and disappointments

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... and hoped I had married a man who would feel the same way.
There are fifteen other M-B types..........

As another viewpoint, my wife forbids me (more accurately "has expressed her wish that I refrain from") reminding our mid-20s not-at-home children about Mother's Day. Her take on it is that, if they act on their father's reminder, it is not as meaningful to her as if they remember for themselves.

For a couple of years I 'semi-reminded' them (eg saying to them in passing "I mustn't forget to visit my mother on Mother's Day" a few weeks in advance) but then I stopped reminding in any shape or form. They do remember.

I incline to agree with my wife's take on it. I see 'reminded compliance' as being form over substance. The form is the manifestation - the card, gift, the phone call; the substance is the unprompted remembering.

Oh, and finally, do you remind your H to remind the children about Mother's Day, or remind him that it would be so nice if the children remember the day, so giving him the hint? Or do you expect him to remember to remind the children? And if the latter, why don't you cut your H out of the loop and just expect your children to remember for themselves?

Last edited by Mike6211; 03-09-2013 at 04:25 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 03-09-2013, 04:15 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mother's Day - a bit of a rant

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What happens in your family and do you feel resentful if you remind your kids but your spouse doesnít? Also if youíre a person who doesnít remind your kids, whatís your take on all this?
I've pretty much always been in the same situation as you. I rarely get gifts for birthdays, Christmas even, until after the day is over. Yes, I get really annoyed and hurt by it.

My husband remembers well, which is a distinct improvement for me. He doesn't remind others, which is fine since it's not really his duty, but I am glad at least ONE person remembers these days.
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