I have to confess I feel put out with my H if he doesn’t remind our kids coz sometimes they forget. Am I being over the top feeling this way?
No. You're entitled to your feelings and you're entitled to express them. But own your own feelings. Don't assume that, just because those feelings would change for the better if your husband did what you'd like, he's obligated to do it.
what irritates me is that my H doesn't seem to see this as something I should be expecting him to do
Nor do I see it as something that you should 'expect' him to do. Where does this 'expectation' come from? Are you saying that your actions in reminding him of his mother's birthday and reminding your children of his birthday aren't freely and lovingly given, but are a sort of 'investment', done to ensure that you get a payback in the same terms?
... Strangely, my H is appreciative if I remind him (my H) to get something for his own mother ...
Why is that strange? Are you seeing his appreciation as some sort of implicit acknowledgment that he's bought into the 'payback mode' mentioned above?
Sometimes I wonder if, rather than feel resentful about my H not reminding them, perhaps it’s best if I just stop reminding them about their Dad's birthday etc. once they are adults. But somehow "deliberately" not reminding them of their father’s birthday/father’s day makes me feel uncomfortable...
It's not a 'wrong' in any absolute sense to not remind your adult children. You see
it as a wrong, because it goes against the grain with you. And I suspect an ulterior motive on your part if you stop reminding, which is to get your husband on board to do his allotted share of child-reminding. Setting the example is the carrot; withdrawing the example is the stick.
I would say I see it as part of my motherly duties to give out such reminders ...
The emphasis on harmony, duty, and compliance with societally-sanctioned celebrations that shines through your OP is typical of Meyers-Briggs ESFJ types. If you're not familiar with M-B, you might find a 'welcome lounge' feeling if you establish your Type and see it reflected back to you in print - together with the Type's problems, frustrations and disappointments
... and hoped I had married a man who would feel the same way.
There are fifteen other M-B types..........
As another viewpoint, my wife forbids me (more accurately "has expressed her wish that I refrain from") reminding our mid-20s not-at-home children about Mother's Day. Her take on it is that, if they act on their father's reminder, it is not as meaningful to her as if they remember for themselves.
For a couple of years I 'semi-reminded' them (eg saying to them in passing "I mustn't forget to visit my mother on Mother's Day" a few weeks in advance) but then I stopped reminding in any shape or form. They do remember.
I incline to agree with my wife's take on it. I see 'reminded compliance' as being form over substance. The form is the manifestation - the card, gift, the phone call; the substance is the unprompted remembering.
Oh, and finally, do you remind your H to remind the children about Mother's Day, or remind him that it would be so nice if the children remember the day, so giving him the hint? Or do you expect him to remember to remind the children? And if the latter, why don't you cut your H out of the loop and just expect your children to remember for themselves?