General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Your youngest is 18 ,months old? She still amy suffer from PPD.
Depression mixed with alcholism is very dangerous.
Do you exercise? Maybe getting her in a walking routine with the kids? Some sort of routine to get her mind off things. Go on some hiking trips? canoing? etc
I like that you are trying and looking for ways to help.
Seek the professional help, but maybe a vacation if you can afford one, or something to insp[ire her to turn that corner to recovery. Maybe some date nights, make her feel special.
What were some of the things she liked to do when you were dating? what are her interests? Get her out of her normal routine.
Your youngest is 18 ,months old? She still amy suffer from PPD.
Depression mixed with alcholism is very dangerous.
Do you exercise? Maybe getting her in a walking routine with the kids? Some sort of routine to get her mind off things. Go on some hiking trips? canoing? etc
I like that you are trying and looking for ways to help.
Seek the professional help, but maybe a vacation if you can afford one, or something to insp[ire her to turn that corner to recovery. Maybe some date nights, make her feel special.
What were some of the things she liked to do when you were dating? what are her interests? Get her out of her normal routine.
Try some new things maybe that can add a spark.
I don't really exercise.. I work on my feet and walk at least 6-8 miles a day at work and have very bad legs due to a car accident so I am pretty beat when I come home. Plus the kids take even more out of me. Since my wife is crawling up into a ball I have so much on my plate. It's wearing me down/ Why doesn't she understand that constant burden has worn me out. Why can't she see that all the good feelings get pushed back when you use somebody like that??? BTW I did last Sunday ask her if she wanted to go for a walk with me and the kids and she said she was too tired. This was after 10 hours sleeping.. We were supposed to go on vacation this summer but her wrk said no during the pool season. We were supposed to plan a vacation for ourselves for our 15 year annaversary in Middle of Sept but I guess thats gone from her head. With what she liked to do when we were dating was SOOO long ago I don't know. She was 16-19 and I think those things are different now based on growing up. This is part of the problem. She doesn't know who she is any more. She lost herself in this marriage and family. Remember I said she was a co-dependant. This is the wake up call and she is trying to do this in a marriage. Again being very selfish. I hope she goes with the MC with me. She needs the help from a professional to maybe get her thinking better. I obvioulsy am not helping..
A little update.. Well big one. I came home last night and talked with mother-in-law.. Asked about how her talk went with her daughter and she said she didn't have it. I kept talking to ask if I was doing anything wrong snce she is here. 3-5 days a week every week to watch kids. She said no. As for the rest of the night well. I for some reason went upstairs and checked wifes cell phone. Looks like she was having an EA.. She was allowing a guy on FB to talk sexy to her. Well I blew up BIG TIME.. I lost it. I let all my anger built up out. I let everything I talk about here out. How I am being abused. How its not right you beat me up like this and so on. Well I almost kicked her out of the house. We talked till 4 am. Well I talked she sat there and cried. She really has nothing left inside. I asked she break off all ties with him. Which she said she would the next day. We woke up 2 hours later. I went to work but only worked hours as I was dead tired and not myself. Came home and well she was going to punish me for last night. The guard came up that I tore down last night and we back to square one. She is unsure about going to MC. She said she might sit there and do nothing. I think she is afraid... She won't open up and might only go once. She is so scared not sure what to do. Well she told me today she doesn't care about us. NOt about me either. Though I think its the depression. She would still rather run away or punish me until I am dead. So much was said. She is so hurt. Blaming me once again instead of looking at herself like last night.. Not sure this can ever get better.. BTW she Text him that she has to stop and break offf ties.. I think that shows a lot of respect for our marriage..
Another bad day for wife. I went to work early and didn't talk to her at all until I got home at 5:30.. Mother-in-law called me at work to say she spoke to wife and she asked her to go to councelling together. Not sure what else was really said. When I got home. Wife was pissed. Drinking again.. Told me her mother called and told her to stay in this marriage cause of the economy. Was going off about it. I said I'm sorry.. I don't know what your mother said. We talked a little over the weekend about it but thats it. It was like she wanted to pick a fight. She asked what I thought was wrong. I mentioned my hours/days/money/time since we had our 2nd child was born has dropped. She was getting more and more mad. I don't know why. I keep asking her what I did wrong and she won't give me an answer. I finally told her i am tired of being broadsided. Nobody knows when she is mad.. Nobody knows when she is hurt. She puts on this happy face including to me and then hits me. I said I am tired of being hit. Your own family doesn't know. Then she said she doesn'y care what her family thinks. It's falling worse and worse and I can't help stop it.. It really seems like she wants to belive it can get better but doesn't think it will. I stress MC will help. Its a person not in this family/marriage who can give an honest opinion. She doesn't care as she tells me. She said I could do whatever.. She would like to leave but can't. I don't know what to do.. I don't want her to leave but not sure she will say anything at MC.... Its scary. My daughter is scared cause she yells all the time..
A little update at least to leave it a little better. After I gave son bath and got him ready for bed.. Said I have been with you more then half your life. Lets not make that a waste. Ithen said do it for the kids at least. She replied back "We will See" I think this is the first positive thing I heard from her. I left it like that. No other us talk. Just to leave it positive. BTW She didn't go out and get the milk for my son as were out. She was home all weekend. I said I'll get it but reminded her of what she would have done to me. That is yell at me and say you should have said something to me before I came home. I said I'm not going to yell at you like you do me just pointing out that is a situation you would have yelled at me..
I think I hit a break through last night though.. After I got off here I took daughter upstairs She is so fragile right now.. I said how doy u feel abot mommy and daddy?? She said she loves us and wants us happy. I asked if she felt we were.. She said I don't know. I then said Mommy's and daddy's go up and down.. She said arew you guys going up now? I paused and said Mommy and Daddy are working on some things. She started cry hard. She asked if we were going to break up. I said I don't think so.. She was still crying hard. She then asked me to go downstairs I guess to cry by herself. I went down to the wife and said thats it. We need to fix this NOW.. Your daughter is very upset about us. We need to put down the anger and frustration and resolve the issues with a professional. There is no options. I do not want our family to go through this. I said I don't want to sweep the problems under the rug like last time and pt on a happy face. I want to get resolve and work on communicating together. I said it's not my fault about how you feel.. You didn't tell ANYBODY how bad you were feeling. I didn't know and then you blindsided me.. Our issues are 100% communication. See my wife for the past 1.5 years of a son hasn't done ANYTHING outside this home. She is trapped and feels like she has a baby sitter all the time. Her mother or me all the time.. This has made every issue 10 times worse. Combine that with money/work/home/me.. You got huge problems. I told her I think a MC will help with the communication. If she does the feelings we have for each other will be shown all the time cause neither of us will be holding resentment. I mentioned I think in comparassion to other marriages our issues are small. They are easier to resolve and move on. There is none of the majors. Abuse/Adultry/Gambling.. This morning she said I am going to warn you I will tell the MC I need space. I said tell her whatever you want. This about resolving issues we both have. Be as open as you can. I don't care if you hurt me. You need to finally resolve and move on. I said I can't keep paying for comments I made over the past 15 years. We need to move on from them.. So I think my daughter being very upset finally got her to think a little more rationally.. I am a bit scared though. I am hanging our marriage on this women I have never meet.. I have NEVER been to a councelor.. I am not worried about what she says to me. I am strong I can take it. I am more worried if she fails to get us to work together. My wife and I have a lot of passion for each other. That gets covered up because of life. My wife's way of resolving is to put on a happy face and hold it in. Then the vicious cycle continues..If we can stop that pattern It should improve. My kids don't need us to continue this. We need to act like adults and resolve. I will not accept a broken family in these situations.
Marriage counseling....you do the work. It takes two. The marriage counselor will not save the marriage...she will guide you and give suggestions and get you to reevaluate things. You do 80% of the work! If your wife goes in there because she is forced, then you may not get much out of it as a couple. You will know, if she willing to work after about 4 sessions or so. During that time...ask yourself...is she showing or canceling or making excuses? Is she doing the homework or excercises? What is the attitude?
I am just giving you a "heads up" for this and what may/may not happen! Be prepared.
I would go to individual counseling, if I were you. I do and it's helps a great deal. You can't help your wife figure things out. She has to do it herself. In the meantime, get support for yourself.
I plan on doing the work required. Worst case I make myself better in the future.. The fact that she said this moring she will tell the MC she needs some space to breathe is very good. It means she will be participating in it. If we can just resolve the issues of communication I think the rest will fall into place. As I said before we both came from broken families. My mom married a drunk and her dad died. I don't think either one of us learned how to communicate with the opposite sex. Its very hard when your driving without directions. That's why I think the MC will help us out a lot. We have got to stop damaging the relationship by avoiding the issues and not resolvig them and moving on. SOunds simple but obviously difficult..
Well I think we hit another break through.. This morning I was a little upset and I can see she was.. She told me today that she thinks she will explode at the MC tonight. She is going to let out how she feels. I Think this is great. She needs to voice her frustrations/hurt feelings. She is going to bring up how I made her feel over the years. I must be dense when it comes to the things that happen.. It's not that I try to hurt her it's that I don't take things to heart as much. Now with her at its witts end and the way she feels it's hard to see her stop and try and make it work.. She used the anaolgy if she slept with 10 guys and told me then expcet me to move on would I?? I guess I understand her point but her communication to me has been the reason this keeps happening. Instead of resolving issues at the time both of us don't. She told me today she is going to go to hopefully have the MC translate her issues from her to me so I can understand why she is feeling this way. She said she wants me to coupe with it. Now I am not sure if that ment to make it better in the future or for me to understand and move on. If it did her future plans don't make sense. We talk about holidays and plan daycare and of course still sleeping in same bed. She said she can't accept my promise letter now.. I guess cause she is so mad. She did ask me to bring it to the MC session. Not sure why.. Now if she lets it all go I hope the MC gives her the strength to work on the issues. She thinks we are just horrible at this.. Marriage that is. Right now I am not sure how I feel... I am a bit scared she won't give this the chance again to make it better.. I hope and pray she does.. I hope she doesn't go there and let it out and then not go again cause I don't feel she would have learned anything and once again she will repeat pattern cause she expect guys to pick up on the little things and I can tell you most miss it.. If anybody can tell me if this is good or not I would appreciate it.. It looks dark right now... I hope she can move past this anger and frustration to feel my love for her.. Right now she can't as there is too much in front..
loving, i give you al the credit in the world, you are doing the part that my wife did for many years. the only difference is she would not tell me what i was doing to push her away. then she took the kids and left and I was lost. know we are trying to communicate, I was the one that went to counsoling first and she said she would go also. the first sesion went ok, we have not been back yet. only time will tell.
I total understand the feeling of thinking that you will pull farther apart when they say they need space. I am having alot of trouble with that one. but I also know that if I want my family back I have to do it.
I think my wife is toxic for me in her current state. Thats the problem. I can work on myself and learn as much as I can but if she doesn't open up also and work on herself this is bound to fail.. Nobody can hold a relationship together by themselves. My wife doesn't know how to reach out for help. She doesn't read. She doesn't do any investigating. She doesn't see anybody. She sits and waits for changes to happen. It's how our marriage has gone. No input. No drive for personal achievements.. Nothing to say I am here and want to enjoy life. Her way of socializing is sitting on FB and playing stupid games talking to former HS people. It's not reality. It's only an escape. like the drinking is.. I don't know what I will do if she can't open up at the MC starting tonight. She only said she would go tonight. I hope this is a long line of many appointments.. I pray for my wife to give her 100% effort on this marriage..
Well Tonight is the first MC meeting and according to my wife she is bringing a list of 4 pages to say. This in hope for me to cope on why she is leaving. Looks like this is going to be the end of our marriage.. I guess I will be going to MC meetings by myself.. I am very sad right now..
The first session will be a get-to-know-you session. She may not get to read all of the (4) pages!! Who knows! It sounds like she avoids conflict with you. Maybe she will develop a rapport with the counselor and seek it individually.
The first session will be a get-to-know-you session. She may not get to read all of the (4) pages!! Who knows! It sounds like she avoids conflict with you. Maybe she will develop a rapport with the counselor and seek it individually.
I told her tonight I am a blind man and I am finally seeking a guide dog to help. We have been going at this without help.. How can you turn your back before you get help?? It's not fair to me or the kids. I belive its things that have happened over the years that have either been said and I didn't take to heart and/or things that I thought were minor that she held onto. Again its a very toxic situation for any man to be in.. I hope its not the end. I hope its a beginning..
Well it wasn't what I was expecting.. We drove down together and one of the issues we had came out. about how I treat her and why. I Simple put it that I get no help so I don't look at her very good. It got heated and she was ready to not go in when we finally got there. It was mainly paper work we did. Nothing on us. She did see I was anxious and she was too. We tried to talk a little about us but it didn't happen. She got my wife to promise to come back for the 5 sesions. At least thats a good thing. I have to be on my best behaviour though.. I can't talk to her about us.. Though on the way home my wofe was still shaken from our blow up on the way down and of course we talked about feelings. I said this is the major part of our relationship. I can never express how I feel without you hanging me. As if I was beating you. Now I will never hear the end of it cause you will remember and throw it back at me. This is a bad pattern which nobody can ever live with. You can't have a perfect man who will never say anything bad. Sometimes a fight is just that. To express what is upseting the person.. Then change needs to happen and we move on. Yet for my wife that won't happen.. I don't know if this cvan be saved.. I will avoid her all this week until our next MC session. She seemed to adjust well to both of us. Got my wife to calm down and not run.. Still she wants out.. Yet I bet she sleeps in my bed tonight...
if she does, make her feel cherished. make sure she knows you want her there.. Hugs to you both!
I can't when she is awake. She will pull away.. I unfortunately can only get close in her sleep. It's why I barely sleep now. I wake up in the middle of the night to spoon her. It is very tough.. I am glad she still sleeps in bed with me but it hurts same time.
Re: Love, Depression, Booze 
If anybody can tell me if this is good or not I would appreciate it.. It looks dark right now... I hope she can move past this anger and frustration to feel my love for her.. Right now she can't as there is too much in front..
