General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Well last night she didn't go out with the girls. Plans fell through.. She said she might take kids to sister once again "Only place she goes with kids" To the boardwalk tonight but it might rain. If not she still might go out with the girls from work or go to a neighbors house. I said fine what ever you want to do.. Just let me know. She said she will call or text me.. She said she got her period so now she should be calmer.. Still think thats an excuse to rant and rave.... I mentioned I might go to my old teams softball cook out on Sat for a few hours. She tried to push me saying you need a break from all of this.. Go have a good time.. We usually did it as a family but since I working that won't happen.. Today's dare is to call her up and ask her if she needs anything.. I will do it later.. Still waiting for the book but have opened a word doc to write my experiences. Book should be here any day..
LWell I think I am starting to get her thinking. I sent her a text saying she was beautiful and glad she is here. Normally I would get no response. Yet today she told me oh please that's a load of crap. Sorry a bit harsh but you have no idea what I dealt with. I said back I understand what your saying and I'm sorry but I can only improve now and show you a better me. No response.
Day 5: I worked all morning and when I came home I had to ask her 3 things I do that Irritate her . I got one of the three with my badgering. The other two are my timing of things and I pick on her. Another thing I don’t realize I do and will need her help in correcting it.. She in return asked me 3 things that she does that irritate her. I said Belittle me.. Hold things in and doesn’t think of me enough.. I think it went rather well.. We had a little relationship talk and explained how I did not know how hurt she was and confused cause of all the things that led up to this didn’t say she was this hurt. Further stressed counseling will correct this and will not stop until she is satisfied its working..
Took daughter out to dinner and a movie. She liked it.. G-Force.. Came home and wife was in the mood to talk a bit. Once again stressed over and over how she holds things in and I didn't know. That just a few months ago we talked about a 3rd kid. Now this. She said she was trying to protect me but I said it only made it worse. She said when she looks at me she only sees the hurt I did and doesn't want to be around me right now. I said you can't hang me for something I didn't know. I can only hope you let that pain go so we can work on making it stronger. She once again said she doesn't know who she is and after 18 years wants to find out. Still I am to blame but she has to see this is her fault not mine. I never locked her up and said don't do anything. It is my fault that I didn't make feel more loved by me. I should have continued to let her know she was beautiful.. Still I think this is progress.
The back and forth continues.... Yesterday er other sister got involved and fueled it worse. She heard my demented wifes side and over-reacted.. Told her to come up to her house and to get away. I talked to her when I came home.. Just to explain my side.. After a few hours she thinks my wife needs to see somebody on her own along with the MC.. I think I have figured out my wife LOVES negative attention. It must be her fuel as to why she goes back and forth. People fuel her hurt and it makes it worse. Seeing me only makes it worse. I suggested she go away for a week and of course her crazy mind said I would say in court she abandoned her kids when all I wanted was to give her a break. It still comes back to one thing. Her hurt feelings and se tells me I am just supposed to get over it??? I swear.. I read so many more complicated issues and my wife has a bunch of hurt feelings over 15 years.. Especially when she held them in and I wasn't aware since she puts this fake face on.. Still as the morning went on we discussed the kids and why I wanted custody. I told her once again I said they would be better off with me. I asked her what she has done with her 8 year old this summer?? Not one thing. She then broke down crying and said fine if you want the kids. I did follow her upstairs and said thats not my goal. I just want to see everybody happier.. It is amazing how much of a circle we are in.. I said she didn't be a partner in my marriage for so long and I mage comments that hurt out of frustration. She says my comments made her feel like crap and she pulled back.. A vicious cycle that needs to stop.. I just wish my wife would see that all she does is give empty promises.. She told me this weekend that she would give the kids a bath and didn't. That she would put the chemicals in the pool and didn't.. Like the promises she made to our daughter about doing stuff with her this summer that never happened. This weekend was another chance.. She could have packed our daughter up and our son and went to Walmart to do school supply shopping. Yet she rather trap her kids in ALL weekend and sit on FB from 7am to 2am.. Of course I am to blame. You know she says I suck the life out of her. If we were not together she would have LESS time. Only then I think she would see it isn't me.. I wish I could leave but I am not doing that to my kids. If I go they will sit in a house and do nothing.. Today I am going bike riding with my daughter at a park.. MC on Tue should be fun..
BTW: today is day 6 and I am supposed to list positive things I like about my wife and compliment her on one of them. This should be fun...
Last night I gave her one of the positive things about her I like.. I said her love and affection.. It didn't come out right cause the way I said that I have to compliment her on one it came out sarcastic. I said its cause it was awkward. She was curious as to what it was but didn't offer much reaction. She was a bit calmer yesterday. Did school supply shopping for daughter and came home around 7:30. Most likely stalled cause she didn't want to come home.. Todays dare I need to share a success my wife had recently.. To be honest I don't think she did have one.. She just goes to work and comes home. Maybe a FB app she had success in?? oh wait I can't break day one and say nothing negative.. I spoke to her sister last night before she came home and she had a different attitude about us. She thanked me for being so open with her. She seems to feel bad for me and my kids. Saying I don't know how many men would ever put up with this. Made me feel good that I am doing right by them. She has a little influence over my wife but she has seen how my wifes anger has flared up with her... Tonight is MC.. Going to be interesting...
Looks like it will get worse before better. The MC session wasn't that good. She called my wife in before me to get to know her true feelings and intenet.. Well my wife kept telling her she is done.. The session wasn't to good as that was the focus. I am to meet with her alone next week. I am sure she is going to try and get me to understand her current feelings and a course of action for me.. On the way home was more talking about us. More of me tring to understand how she went from trying a few months ago to putting her foot down now. How her letter to me said she needed my help or she wasn't going to make it or he fact she wanted to do things with me more. Still the only thing I get out of our problems is a bunch of hurt feelings over 15 years. Most of which I hear was 15 years ago.. Like how she blames me for who she became. So after we got home I talked some more and said why not give it 6 months with the MC to see if it can work. 6 months with a professional. She was like I don't want to waste any more time. I don't have the strenght to do this again if it doesn't work.. She gets so upset with me cause it has to be my way or no way. I understand what she is saying but her way is a divorce. She keeps asking me if she should be miserable here. I said staying doesn't have to be miserable thats why I am doing he MC and the book..After all that she is trying to get me to move out.. Not sure I should or not.. One part of me says yes. It wil give her a chance to miss me. It will also give her a chance to cool down.. The part says no cause this is my house and I won't see my kids that much. especially my son who would probably never stay with me over night due not having the accomodations. I hardly slept last night. 3 hours straight and then pieced together another hour after that. If anybody has any insight on how to eliminate her hurt feelings I would love to know..
Well the roller coaster ride continues in my life. This morning she was still stuck on this seperation.. I thought about it at work and called her.. Said I might as well move out.. She sounded surprised when i said it. I got off the phone and thought about it. I started to realize if I did I would move into my mom's and I would continue to deposit all my pay check into our bank. I would be rent free but if I needed money I always had savings I set up a while ago for vacation money. I am the only one that can touch it. Still I thought about how the arragements would work and started to get mad. Due to being 45 mins away I would never see my kids. I work weekends and nights a lot of times. She has school. So I text her back "Do you realize due to my hours and days and school I will never see my kids?? I hope this is worth it to you"? After work I called brother and gave situation he got pissed at me. Said if she wants out tell her to leave. Don't let her push you around. Well needless to say it got me all round up.. After I got the food I went home. She arrived almost same time.. Son was inside and saw me. He went bonkers with excitement. I turned to wife and said THAT IS WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME! She said fine then we all stay and be miserable but there is no us. I said fine and stormed in.. As I was putting food away I showed her I puicked up one of her favorite lunches and said I think of you all the time even during this. She smirked away from me and I said what's that smirk for?? She said if you are trying to get brownie points you have a bad way of showing it.. I said what did I say?? She said the sarcastic remark I made at the end.. I said about the smirk?? She thought I was being sarcastic but I was stating a fact. Still don't know what that smirk was for.. Then I started on dinner and she worked on our green pool I left since she was to take care of it this past weekend when she was off. Her mother clened up and I watched a movie with our daughter. This is so much fun.
I'm so sorry that you're having such a tough time. It seems like as you're trying to tackle your old problems, new things happen to make everyting even more complicted (like the smirk incident). Our situations have a lot of similarities. My husband and I were also just talking about having another child. He was soo happy. We both were. I too, cherish the small, precious touches, the spooning in his sleep, etc.
I think it's good that you're both in the house. Love Dare would be much tougher otherwise. Hang in there. Things can only get better. I'll send positive vibes your way. Posted via Mobile Device
I can't get away from our old problems. My wife refuses to let ANYTHING go. In the MC session she brought up when she was 16 how I told her how to wear her hair/make up/clothes... How can I defend that?? Yes when we started dating I did try to help her mature a bit cause her mother was so upset. It helped her build a relationship with her mom that she has today. Still after that I never said anything. She buys what she wants. She changes her hair the way she wants. In the past she has always asked me what I think about doing it a different way.. I would give my opinion.. This is a classic relationship about a women marring to young and losing herself in the marriage before she discovered herself completely. Now with 2 kids involved the struggle continues. Still this isn't the perfect way for my life. Yet I don't hold her responsible. My kids life and future are more important then mine and I can tell you most sane people think the same way. Her sister who knows her better then anybody in her family is trying to knock sense into her slowly. Nobody wants her miserable but she has to live with the choices she made and for once stand up for them. It's something my wife isn't very good at doing.. I work late tonight so I won't see much of her...
Not a good day for my wife and her mother. I didn't talk much to my MIL but from what I gather she is giving up on her daughter. My wife is just being so damn stubborn.. She is only looking at herself and nobody else she effects. It's a shame my kids will be the one to pay dearly and my daughter is very sensitive. My wife tried to tell her in July about us breaking up and she cried so hard. Now if I am not around it will mess her up for life. I do not know why my wife can't see that effort needs to be done here.
Well this morning the wife talked to me about us a little. First she asked if my text message to her had to do with the love dare. I said no. I mentioned I was trying to improve how I interact with you and give you compliments when I thought of them. Something I didn't do much when we were married. She does deserve them.. It's a fault I know must change.. Second she asked if I contacted that guy who she was sex texting. I said no cause she said he contacted her about a bizzare message. She said she ignored it. After that I talked to her about us and said you told me why does she have to make the first move always. I said well if you look at it.. I made the first move this time. I am the one that contacted the MC. I am the one that is doing the love dare. So if you see I am making the strides to change. She then said I see you going through the motions but I don't see a change. I said its only been 9 days of the book and 3 MC sessions. You need to give it time. Though I did point out ways I am listening to the MC. I am not being critical. I am not on top of her checking out anything she is doing and I am trying to compliment her more..
I discussed min more detail about the talk her mother had with her. She said she is tired of nobody believing her.. Her whole family is against what she is doing. Now she has given her side to each one and they all mentioned to her that she needs to giv every effort to work on this marriage. It obviously isn't what she wants to hear. Now my MIL told me that last night she was in another bad mood. Once again NOTHING to do with me. As I didn't see her. She has to realize that the anger is coming from within and not a product of me.. I really wish I wasn't here at times to have her see it but of course she would make an excuse as to why she is angry. I also sent her this article from the Washington Post that explains "good" divorces are not better then staying in marriages that are low-conflict. That all thos good divorce books focus on the parnets and not the effects of the kids. A study of 1500 kids proved there had lingering issues when they were adults. That people at every cost should try and work it out. Now they do say extremem situations where violence is involved would be worse to stay in it.. Yet they say 2/3 of divorces are not that way.. I hope she realizes before its too late cause my daughter will be messed up this year at school.. She is too sensitive..
BTW I did my Day 9 love dare a day late. I missed yesterday due to my reaction when I saw my son and wife. I was to greet her to reflect my love for her. I called her dear and said hows it going today?? Like I said before she was upset and of course got little reaction.. Onto day 10..
Day to day is tough, isn't it? I'd love to see that article. It's a question I have as well. It seems most peope think the oposite, that a "good" divorce is better than a broken marriage. But, things aren't black and white. What if your marriage is broken, but on the mend? The state of our marriages is always in flux. I'm with you. I'm going to give it all I have before thinking of leaving.
Keep on with Love Dare! Only good things can come of it! Posted via Mobile Device
Day to day is tough, isn't it? I'd love to see that article. It's a question I have as well. It seems most peope think the oposite, that a "good" divorce is better than a broken marriage. But, things aren't black and white. What if your marriage is broken, but on the mend? The state of our marriages is always in flux. I'm with you. I'm going to give it all I have before thinking of leaving.
Keep on with Love Dare! Only good things can come of it! Posted via Mobile Device
Here you go.. There seems to be a lot of studies on this. Most counter act the mth its better to seperate then stay in a marriage. Now they do stress LOW CONFLICT.. Which most marriages are. They get a long just not functional..
I'm curious what she wants you to change exactly. She said you're going through the motions but she doesn't see change. Isn't change action? You aren't doing this because she told you you'd better shape up or else. You've initiated everything.
Also, is she still drinking? If she is, does the MC know about this?
I agree that she needs could use some individual counseling. An individual therapist will not let her blame you for everything. They will deal with her feelings about what has happened in the past, and they will discuss with her how she can turn those things around and how she can better focus on the present.
Also, is she still on anti-depressents? I hope so, even with the weight gain. But if she's still drinking, she's pretty much wasting the drugs. So she needs to get that sorted out. The weight gain can be dealt with with exercise and diet. Her depression probably can't be.
I don't want to discourage you from what you're doing because I think it is wonderful. But if she's got an addiction problem and that isn't dealt with first, you may be wasting your time. Addicts rarely take responsibility for themselves and that's the first step in solving any relationship issues.
Don't underestimate alcohol as a primary part of your problem. It isn't the underlying cause (depression likely is) but with it there, you're unlikely to have the kind of success you'd prefer.
And same for her. She can blame you until the cows come home but if you divorced her (and I agree -- DO NOT MOVE OUT. If anyone goes, she goes) she'd have to stare in the mirror. Oh, she'd burry it with partying and alcohol, but she won't be any more happy. And you'd think this would free you from taking all of the blame but it won't. It'll still be all your fault. You could move to Mars and it will be your fault.
Thanks for the input.. What she is looking for is a genuine change on how I talk and treat her everyday. She wants to feel loved and respected without being critical or picked on. It is an endles cycle. Last time we did this I moved out. I left her alone and 2 months later she came back. She said cause her family told her. Now she reminds them of that all the time.. She said to me that it was great at first and then it all stopped. It went back to the old me once she was back. This is where she doesn't understand. I made the improvements to her but she never made any changes and what happened I pulled back. Now if I did learn to love her unconditionally I might not have went back to the old me. I should have pushed for counseling then..
She isn't drinking. Her last drink was the day the cops came. She is also off the meds. Yet the anger and rage is there still. She is like a ticking time bomb. Ready to explode any minute. She used to say that was cause of me but I haven't been around much lately especially last night and her mom said she was in a really bad mood snapping at everybody.. She should be on some meds and the first MC session she tried to get my wife to see somebody but she has no interest..
I agree the only way for her to see the real picture is if I wasn't around.. Yet I am not moving out now. She will have to just file for divorce to make our situation change. I need to be here for my daughter who starts 3rd grade this year. If I am not here I know her school work will suffer cause she is very sensitive. My kids are the ones I feel sorry for the most and the reason I am pushing for us..
Re: Love, Depression, Booze 
