General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I would like to share a bit of my story cause I have no idea what to do any more. I am almost 40 years old and married 15 years this sept. We have 2 kids one is 8 and the other is almost 1.5 years old. I met my wife when she was only 16 and I was 20. It was a great time. She was wonderful trying to make me happy and I was loving the fact that I found a women who wanted to. Little did I know at the time she was diagnosed with being a co-dependant. She also suffered from low self-esteme. Now my wife is the baby of 4. Her father passed away when she was 8. I think that has a little to do with her issues. I also came from a broken family.. Dad was alcoholic and was never home. Divorced when I was just about a teenager but he wasn't around for years. Back to our marriage. We were married when she was 20. I thought it was great. I loved her a lot. As our relationship evolved I noticed I was the decision maker. I was ok at first cause I wanted to take care of her. I enjoyed trying to make her life easier. As the years went on I noticed it started to wear on me. I was responsible for more and more and I was getting tired. I started to withdrawl from our marriage cause I felt like I was getting no help. 7 years in we decided to have a kid. In hopes it would bring us closer and make our life complete. We also built a home the same year as our daughter was born. I then lost the job that allowed us to build it. I became the stay at home dad which burned her up as she was supposed to be doing that job. After 3 years of staying home she started to go through a change. She wanted to descover who she was. She blamed me for making her who she is now. I didnt try to but her low self-esteme allowed it. My fault was not seeing it earlier to help. I was probably an enabler not thinking about it. Any way we split but for 6 months and then tried to work on our relationship again. We were great at first. It was all good. I felt like she was happier. A few years later we had another kid. This seemed to make her depression even worse. She felt more trapped. Had no friends to turn to and no time to do anything. Now here we are going through this again with 2 kids. She thinks I am the one to blame for who she is. She said I made her this way. We continue to try and make it better but she is overwhelmed and said she is numb. She doesn't think seeing somebody would help her. So I suggest marriage counceling. Maybe together can get her the first step she needs. It will help me understand what she is going and how to help. BTW she is on anti-depression pills but trying to get off them. Mainly because we can't afford them but she hates its making her gain weight. She also drinks a lot. Which started 2-3 months ago. About a month ago we talked about what we felt and we made lists. Her list painted a very bad depression. She called herself worthless and ugly and fat among other things. I have tried to reassure her I love her no matter what she looks like cause I love who she is inside. Of course she took this the wrong way saying that if shes fat its ok.. Now all I am is the blame target. I have tried the approach that I will not complain or say anything negative that might trigger her rage. I have to walk on egg shells not to say anything that might upset her. It has worked at times cause she has said she doesnt know if she can ever be happy. At least looking at herself instead of me. I love my wife very much and I want us to be us again but it is frustrating seeing her beat me up (verbally)like this. I am hurt and dont know what to do.. Thanks for listening..
Mike, I am sorry you are hurting. You came to the right place to share and vent and get some input.
Depression is a selfish disease. Alcoholism is a selfish disease (I know it's been only 2 months). With depression is hard to feel anything. The alcohol is obviously not helping the depression.
I would encourage anyone with depression that is on medication that may not be working is to see there doctor. There are many types of meds to choose from. Also, the mg might need to be changed. It takes from anywhere from 2-4 weeks to get into your system. So she is getting off of the antidepressants...what is her plan to help combat the depression? Will she exercise? Lay off of alcohol and caffeine? Will she attending counseling? Will she be eating healthy? Getting off anti-depressants won't cure her depression...maybe not even the weight gain?? I know money is a factor but if she had diabetes you'd find a way to get the meds.
Quit enabling your wife!!! She must live with the consequences of her behavior. She isn't owning up to anything you say. Set your boundaries and expectations of what you need to make this marriage work. Do it in as noncomfrontational way that you can. State..."I feel......(that I need help around the house as I am stressed out). or "I feel... (that I am always to blame for everything that goes wrong and it hurts). Basically, do this to not make her defensive and do it during a calm time.
Mike, I am sorry you are hurting. You came to the right place to share and vent and get some input.
Depression is a selfish disease. Alcoholism is a selfish disease (I know it's been only 2 months). With depression is hard to feel anything. The alcohol is obviously not helping the depression..
She has been drinking heavy for about 3-4 months now. I know I said 2-3 months but I remembered it began a little earlier. Heavy I mean 2-5 beers a night. She told me its helping to coup with life. At first I liked it cause it helped her relax and I saw the girl I married happier. I then realized the effects of it over time. Anger was more and more. I was a big time target for her life.
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I would encourage anyone with depression that is on medication that may not be working is to see there doctor. There are many types of meds to choose from. Also, the mg might need to be changed. It takes from anywhere from 2-4 to get into your system. So she is getting off of the antidepressants...what is her plan to help combat the depression? Will she exercise? Lay off of alcohol and caffeine? Will she attending counseling? Will she be eating healthy? Getting off anti-depressants won't cure her depression...maybe not even the weight gain?? I know money is a factor but if she had diabetes you'd find a way to get the meds..
SHe has no plan to combat the depression. She has tried ant-depresants a few times and the all do the same thing. Make her less active. She drinks a lot of coffee in the morning. Doesn't eat right cause shes trying to keep the weight off and tells me she is to tired to exercise. I have offered to help her by walking together. I get turned down. For the counceling she thinks they are all quacks. I am going to go to marriage counceling with or without her. I am more prepared the second time around to not escalate it. I hope she comes with me and a therapist makes a diagnoses. Her GP is making these decissions and its not good ones I don't think. She told me earlier in the year that at different times she needs to take more cause she can feel it harder douring that time of the month. She has been on them for a year now..
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Quit enabling your wife!!! She must live with the consequences of her behavior. She isn't owning up to anything you say. Set your boundaries and expectations of what you need to make this marriage work. Do it in as noncomfrontational way that you can. State..."I feel......(that I need help around the house as I am stressed out). or "I feel... (that I am always to blame for everything that goes wrong and it hurts). Basically, do this to not make her defensive and do it during a calm time.
I am not sure what boundries you are talking about. I have to walk around on eggshells cause if something comes out wrong I am hung. The rage is vented. Right now she is numb and doesn't care. So all I am doing is being nice and telling her I love her. I took daughter out to dinner tonight. She didn't want to come. I brought her home some ice cream. Just to let her know I am thinking f her. BTW I have always done that. Like I said before I am more careful about the words and actions I use after dealing with this before. Our issues seem to stem from this depression. It goes back to the same pattern after the "honeymoon" portion wears off. She stops helping me out around the house and I get overwhelmed. I pull back cause I am exhausted and it goes down hill again. I am the pool boy/maid/butler/money guy/house take carer/food shopper/bill payer. You name it I end up having to do it cause it won't get done if I don't..
you know you can buy CD's to listen to at home how to improve self esteem... maybe you should shop online for something she can listen to? That would be a way to help without going to expensive long term therapy or her trying to find a way to work on it and making many mistakes.
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Just be careful how you bring it up, you may say you want to buy it for yourself, to check it out...
Well today was a little better in the morning. She was getting ready for work and came upstairs. I was on bed just waking up and asked her to come over. She sat down next to me and I mentioned just a week ago she was leaning over and kissing me on the cheek to get up. She said that she was trying for herself to see if she could try to make it work. After a little more talking she said said she feels like a prisoner in her own home. She can't do anything for herself. We do work opposite hours and days. We have 2 kids and a little support system but that’s not my fault. She said she needs to socialize with other people. I am ok with that if she can get a plan together. I said as long as it’s not with single men. As she was about to leave we talked a little more about her feelings and she has a habit of holding stuff in until she explodes. If something bothers her I might not hear it or she might not let me know it’s important. I think this is where the counselor will help. I think this will teach us both to communicate. I also think she will help us work on giving my wife the time and ability to socialize. Now you have to understand my wife is on facebook from the time she’s home until bed. That could be 2am. I think she takes it extreme... I do think she wants to go to see somebody but is waiting on me to make the first move. She seems reluctant to show she is going to try until I make the first step... I hope we are headed in the right direction.
I have called somebody and waiting for all the forms to be completed and hope to get a call this afternoon. I am going to see somebody regardless if she comes. I still feel she wants to go but wants me to do all the work. (What a surprise) That is how our marriage has been. Any way I hope I can learn a little bit about how to communicate with her or anybody. I have self help I can learn for sure.. We all do..
good for making the point of taking care of your marriage and yourself by getting some help!!
Boundaries: Basically set expectations of what you want and stick by it. It's your choice to what the boundaries will be. You say you do everything around/out of the house. Are you doing the shopping for her...buying beer/cigs/special food? Quit it. Are you washing her clothes? Quit it. Are you bringing her special things (ice cream) when she refuses to do things as a family. Quit it. These are some form of a boundary. Other boundaries may be if you don't quit drinking or get help....I want out! It is up to you and what you want. Perhaps a counselor could help you sort this out.
good for making the point of taking care of your marriage and yourself by getting some help!!
Boundaries: Basically set expectations of what you want and stick by it. It's your choice to what the boundaries will be. You say you do everything around/out of the house. Are you doing the shopping for her...buying beer/cigs/special food? Quit it. Are you washing her clothes? Quit it. Are you bringing her special things (ice cream) when she refuses to do things as a family. Quit it. These are some form of a boundary. Other boundaries may be if you don't quit drinking or get help....I want out! It is up to you and what you want. Perhaps a counselor could help you sort this out.
I got it now. I do need to do that. I have in the past bought Cigs/Beer for her. I am going to stop that. Funny thing is I come from the family in which my dad was the alcoholic. My mom was always afraid it would make us like that. None of us have so far.
Today was an interesting day. She called me from work asking if I picked up the milk. I said yes and she told me she was coming home. Sounded so nice. When she got home she went upstairs to relax and get into her moomoo. Thats what I call it. Big loose dress type. She came down and we talked a bit on the couch. Low key nothing intense. I asked her how her day was and she did same for me. It was my day off I watched my kids like I do every mon and tue. So then I mentioned the MC. She got upset and said I'm not going to one. I have no need to I don't care. I said well I am going and would like you there. She then said why does it have to get to this point where I am ready to walk out before you make a move. I said two reasons. First of all you only let me knoe here and there with little comments that you are not happy. if you don't make it important I won't think its anything more then your upset. I said two its your responsibility to seek help if I am not geting it before it gets to this point. You are responsible for how people treat you and if you don't correct its your fault for letting it go this long. I got a long pause after that. She didn't have much to say other then say well I guess its all my fault then. (Normal habit of hers to do that.) It's like when I explain about being upset aobut something she is doing she always turns it back on me to hurt me in return. I am unable to say anything that I don't like without getting "well it's cause you did this to me". Drives me up the wall to this day. It's so hard to talk to her and express my feelings without it thrown back at me. I hope the MC can help this. We have lots of work ahead..
This morning was interesting. My wife geting ready for work was getting dressed and trying on clothes. Nothing fit right to her. I woke up and leaned over and said you are beautiful to me. She went off and continued to change into many outfits. Said she should never have gotten on the anti-depressants and she should in a joking way get rid of the problem and looked at me.. I laughed. I told her she will always turn me on. I have shown her many times that being close to her gets me excited. Yet she continues to remember stuff 20 years ago that I might have said and never lets it go.. BTW It was just 1 comment.. Not a nice one when we were dating.. I can't get away from it.. So downstairs she is getting ready to leave and I tell her she makes it very difficult to make her feel good when she obviously hates herself. If she can't look at herself and be happy NOTHING I say will help reinforce the words. I am still blamed and hung no matter what happens. I will continue to work. Last night seemed to get a little better.. She seemed to drop some of the anger. We talked about her having space to see friends. I agreed and said we can find a way of compromise. She feels 15 years she has been trapped. Mainly I can tell you that was her part not trying. The past 5 years she is beginning to open up. I will do what it takes to have her life more fullfilled. Hopefully seeing the MC will help her see somebody on her own. That is a hope though.. At least seeing somebod together is the first step..
Mike, put your foot down and nip this in the bud. You both need to be in counsuling. Work on yourself first! You may not want to spend the rest of you life with someone like her. I gave up 10 years trying to figure out a relationship like this. When I finalily got divorced and move on I could see the disfuction clearer.
You could be 100% right. In fact my family has told me but I have 2 small children and they would be torn apart if we were not trying. I did talk to my 8 year old one day. I asked her what she thought of mommy and daddy. She said that she thought we loved each other. I asked why. She said we kiss each other a lot. Too me she has a positive feeling about our marriage. Now the 1.5 year old has no clue obviously. I don't want to continue this mess but I also want to raise my family together. If there is some way to get all to work I have to find it..
I do not know yet. She is on the fence back and forth. She at times I feel would go but when push comes to shove she might fold and say no.. My family thinks she won't go I believe for fear of what the MC might uncover with her. As I said my wife would rather curl up into a ball then face anything. It is very scary and a reason why our patterns repeat. I just hope she can accept her part in the problems and stop hanging me as if "I" am the reason. She says she has a part to in this but I don't think that she's accepting the responsibility part. She thinks I lie to her all the time about wanting to help and make it better. She thinks I am just saying this stuff to get her back but in reality she doesn't follow through with what she wants. It falls on the way side and never happens. Another bad habit I noticed is she likes to start things but not finish them. Project get started all the time but very slow to finish. Not sure why.. It's nothing major but obviously an issue with everday life.
Thanks Corpuswife.. I am going regardless. At least I can find out information from a professional. Maybe I am doing something wrong that triggers her to act the way she does.. Maybe I can't understand her. I do know I have to watch how a phrase things. I have a tendancy to be politically incorrect. Today I talked to her on the phone and she told me she is trying to get a hot tub for free. I am a little confused. She knows we are having problems but is trying to continue to build up the house. If for some reason we split up why bother with a hot tub?? Maybe this is a sign she isn't running?? I am so lost.. Her mother stays with us Tue-Sun to help with watching my oldest when I go to work and sticks around to help my wife on her weekend. My wife can't stand her coming cause she gets on her case too about get moving and doing something around the house. Her own mother feels like she is a maid when she comes over. Kind of scary...
Love, Depression, Booze 
As she was about to leave we talked a little more about her feelings and she has a habit of holding stuff in until she explodes. If something bothers her I might not hear it or she might not let me know it’s important. I think this is where the counselor will help. I think this will teach us both to communicate. I also think she will help us work on giving my wife the time and ability to socialize. Now you have to understand my wife is on facebook from the time she’s home until bed. That could be 2am. I think she takes it extreme... I do think she wants to go to see somebody but is waiting on me to make the first move. She seems reluctant to show she is going to try until I make the first step... I hope we are headed in the right direction.
