[Anchy]

Good morning all.

I found this website searching for help in my marriage. I hope I can find it here. I will try to be short but can’t promise.
I have been married almost 7 years. We both married young; 24 years old. Our fist years were great. He was studying and I was working. We moved quite a lot around the country but we loved it. 4 years ago we settled in a brand new city and wanted to start thinking about family. I found a job right away but he was struggling. He hoped to find something in his field (he is musician) but nothing happened.
To cut if short in the 4 years we have lived here he had 2 jobs 7 months each. In the mean time he had time to record an album and travel around the country for his music. We were fortunate enough that I make enough so we never had to worry. But I always pushed him to find something since we could save all of the extra income but he always had excuses. So after a while and a lot of fighting on that topic I gave up and realized that he does not want to work.
But now all that changed. We had a baby 6 months ago. I went back to work and he stayed at home since there was no job for him to go back to. I thought that was going to be great since out baby is fortunate enough to stay with a parent at home. Unfortunately I was really wrong. He started to be mad at the world because he couldn’t do anything anymore and I started to be mad at him for being that way. I would work 9-10 hours and come home to find him playing with the baby and my house in a complete chaos. He wouldn’t even wash the dishes. It was expected from me to do all the work. So basically after I would come home he would give me the baby with the words “I am really tired” and I would have to clean, watch the baby, and make dinner. After couple of weeks I tried reasoning with him that I can’t do it anymore. That I am also tired that he needs to help me but he only said that he is taking care of the baby and that is enough of work. We started fighting a lot. I became very miserable and tired person. And on top of that, with me being on maternity leave for 3 months, our money was getting tight.
Now 6 months after our baby was born we are fighting constantly or we don’t speak to each other at all. I still work and clean and do all house work when I come home while he watches the baby during the day. Sometimes I come home and he didn’t even wash the baby’s bottles. I am begging him to find a job since we are in a lot of debt ($20000) but he still thinks that him looking after the baby is work enough.
When we fight we throws me words like “if you don’t like it get divorced” but I really don’t want to do that. I have never wanted to raise a child separated or divorced. He started to be very aggressive when we fight. He throws thing, breaks things.
I don’t want to say I am innocent in all of this, I am not. I am still miserable and depressed. I don’t see a future living like this. I can’t live from paycheck to paycheck with a little baby. I am afraid that something is going to happen and we won’t have money to cover for it. Our CC are maxed out and sometimes we are even late on our mortgage payments. And he still does not see a reason to look for a job.
Please I hope that you can help me figure out what I should do. Is divorce the only option here?
I am really at the end of the rope and I am sinking even deeper.
Thank you very much.

[Loving Husband]

Anchy I am sorry to hear about your problems. It's unfortunate how life continues to change and for people to adjust. Life becomes so different with a baby. I can tell you coming from a guys point of view that he is very depressed. As a guy we need to take care of our family by nature. We go to work. Provide the income and that helps us feel worth while. I did what your husband is doing for 3 years and it tore my marriage up. Not because of what he was doing but my wife was supposed to be the stay at home mom. As for your husband he does need to help you out more. He needs to respect that you are working full time. Maybe some counceling together might help him realize that he needs to get off his butt and do more then play with your child. Ask him... Good Luck

[scarletblue]

Adjusting to a baby is huge! It is a complete lifestyle change. I've been on both sides of it actually.

I have 4 kids and I've been the stay at home parent and the working parent.

I'll admit that when I was the stay at home parent, I did the housework too. One can go a little stir crazy in this role. I craved interaction with grown-ups.

As for the working parent, it's darn near impossible to be off to work 10 hours a day and then come home and do everything there as well.

My advice to you is to sit down with your hubby and really try to listen to each other's sides of the situation. Hopefully you two can come to middle ground.

It does get easier as the baby gets older too.

[Anchy]

Thank you for your reply.

I did talk to him about counseling. He was ok with it as long as I set everything up. I would be also willing to try it out but don’t know where to start. We have no family around us so no one who could watch the baby for us (I still don’t feel comfortable leaving him with a complete stranger) and I don’t know if I can take him with us to counseling.
I mean I have to be honest and say that I am not a big believe in help from the outside but I am willing to give it a try.

[Anchy]

scarletblue i have talked to him about it so often. I was thinking that me telling him what I feel will change things but he gets offended and starts acting and answering like a child. He starts telling me I should divorce him if I don’t like it, and yelling and throwing stuff.
But he only acts this way if I start talking about him getting a job. And honestly I talk about it constantly since we need extra money. I really don’t understand why he gets this way. Sometimes I tell him that he should watch what he is saying because if I divorce him he will have a lot more to pay for and will need 3 jobs not only one. I know I should not be telling him stuff like this but I get really upset. And every time I get upset I think I should get out and be on my own but when I calm down I think differently.

[Loving Husband]

Originally Posted by Anchy

Thank you for your reply.

I did talk to him about counseling. He was ok with it as long as I set everything up. I would be also willing to try it out but don’t know where to start. We have no family around us so no one who could watch the baby for us (I still don’t feel comfortable leaving him with a complete stranger) and I don’t know if I can take him with us to counseling.
I mean I have to be honest and say that I am not a big believe in help from the outside but I am willing to give it a try.

Communication isn't brought on naturally. It is taught. If you hve not been taught to communicate you will struggle from what you have learned in the past. Councelor will help give you the tools you might be missing. Obviously you and your husband are not on the same page with how your life should be going. Men and Women speak and feel and express differently. To understand that means you can communicate. I hope you can get to see somebody. I think it will open up a lot more then you know now with your realationship.

[sisters359]

Your baby is small enough to take with you--as long as s/he can stay in an infant seat and isn't trying to crawl everywhere, so you probably have another 3 months where you can carry the baby to the appointment. Don't wait; get started now! You will find lots of ideas to help in the marriage, so go for it.

[preso]

Maybe he needs a home economics class? I'm sure they have some somewhere or maybe online.
That he's home all day is no reason to do nothing, while you work.

[Anchy]

Sisters359 thank you for the tip. After reading your answers and also reading different post on this board I think that is the first thing we should do. I researched with my insurance to find somebody who is close to us and will call to make an appointment. I do really want to save this marriage not only for us both also for our baby.

[Anchy]

preso that is exactly what I am thinking. I mean I know taking care of 6 months old is no easy task but I always wonder why can’t he do anything while the baby sleeps. I mean on the weekend I get everything done while the baby is napping so I see no reason why he can’t do the same thing during the week. And I am not asking to be cleaning maid just to clean after himself. In the beginning I was thinking that maybe he is not aware of our economic issues so therefore does not see a reason to look for a job but now I know that he is aware since he is complaining about how late we are on payments and all the late fees that we need to cover. He even had the nerve to tell me that I should look for a side job after work. Needles to say I freak out and wanted to almost kill him.