Married 48 years - last 15 yrs without sex
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Old 03-23-2013, 01:36 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Married 48 years - last 15 yrs without sex

For me I know exactly what is going on within my mind, heart and soul as result of no physical contact and no sex with my wife of 48 yeas - no sex for 15 years + 6 months. It is a constant struggle and very discouraging because I don't see how there will ever be a recovery for us. Early in our marriage intimacy was great, we both shared the initiation but now, two people sharing house and bed, that's it.

What I really don't know is what is going on in the mind and soul of my wife? Does she struggle at all? She told me about a years ago, "I don't need to have sex.' she later said she would enjoy it but it is not something she has to have. That tells me a lot because I know her well and her life before we were married. She enjoys a good time, to laugh, etc. And it shows when she is with others. But around me she seems down, depressed. I believe within heer she has a ball of sexual desire pinned up just waiting on it to be lit but not by me based on her comment she does not have to have sex.

All I really would like to know is how is she really feeling not having intimate sexual intercourse with a man this long? What does she think about it or does she not think about it at all.
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Old 03-23-2013, 01:44 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 48 years - last 15 yrs without sex

After not having sex for 15 years, I suspect she doesn't give it a second thought. Perhaps she could be turned on by the right guy saying the right thing, but until that happens, she probably has that area of her life walled off.

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Old 03-23-2013, 02:08 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 48 years - last 15 yrs without sex

I think PBear is probably right about her having that walled off from her mind by now.

Instead of trying to find out what she thinks and feels about not having intimate relations, have you tried asking her what makes her feel desired or sexy?
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Old 03-23-2013, 07:30 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 48 years - last 15 yrs without sex

My opinion is that she's perfectly fine without it, doesn't think about it, and doesn't miss it.

There are plenty of women out there who dislike sex for whatever reason (low drive, upbringing, etc.) so she probably is thrilled that's long been out of her life.

I don't know the percentage of women with high drive vs. low drive but women have a fraction of T that men do and she may have always been on the lower end of that.
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Old 03-23-2013, 07:34 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 48 years - last 15 yrs without sex

Would she be fine with you not meeting her needs for 15 years?
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Old 03-23-2013, 07:46 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 48 years - last 15 yrs without sex

Let me correct you on one stat:

Married for 33 years, roommates for 15.

She withdrew from the marriage 15 years ago to where her relationship to you is financial, and friendly, but you are not in a committed intimate relationship any longer. You've got a long time friend.

Advice: decide if you want to live like this? Physical intimacy is also important for emotional health, especially in men.

Would she be ok, if you stopped eating dinner at home for 15 years? It stopped sleeping in your home? As in get yourself a nice place of your own?

You meet her needs by being around, available, and engaged with her. What would she have done if you stopped doing all that. 15 years ago? Would she still be around waiting for you?
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Old 03-23-2013, 01:06 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 48 years - last 15 yrs without sex

First, congratulations on 48 years of marriage, that's a huge milestone, almost golden now.

You haven't indicate whether this is problem for your marriage or not? Sounds like it's just bothering you but your marriage is fine.
Have you talked to her about this? Open communication is the best method to resolve most problems.

One more point: You've been married for 48 years? You and your wife must be around 70. Sex drive declines with age, sex drive in each person can be different, and it's not unusual for women in their 60s and 70s to loose their sex drive.
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Old 03-24-2013, 02:04 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 48 years - last 15 yrs without sex

48 years... you've done better than most here have or ever will. As far as I'm concerned you should be giving us advice.

I also disagree with the goofy "Married for 33 years, roommates for 15" comment, unless you felt sex was the main, or only reason to be married all those years. It sounds to me like you were ok with things until recently.

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She enjoys a good time, to laugh, etc. And it shows when she is with others. But around me she seems down, depressed. I believe within her she has a ball of sexual desire pinned up just waiting on it to be lit...
Try different ways to light her fire. Become a more exciting, spontaneous, man. You can't wait for her, you have to make the first move. Don't give up. Surprise her. Wisk her off her feet. You've done this before... before some here were even born! You can do it again. Go get her.
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Old 03-25-2013, 12:06 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 48 years - last 15 yrs without sex

Thanks to each of you for your posts, being objective and taking the time to share ideas and thoughts. This helps even if the issue does not go away all together.
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Old 03-25-2013, 08:15 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 48 years - last 15 yrs without sex

Quote:
FromNeptune:
no physical contact and no sex with my wife of 48 yeas - no sex for 15 years + 6 months. It is a constant struggle and very discouraging because I don't see how there will ever be a recovery for us.
daMan & AlmostYoung: did you even READ what he wrote?

Neptune: I am a 56yo WOMAN and I totally agree with what Thound and Shaggy wrote.

Your wife is perfectly SATISFIED in your 48 year marriage.
You have been UNHAPPY & UNSATISIFED after 33 years of marriage.

I'd congratulate you on your 33 year marriage, and tell you your 15 years of Friends With no Benefits (aka Roommates) is NOT something that would interest ME or ANY loving spouse. If BOTH spouses aren't HAPPY & SATISIFIED, then it's not a good marriage...it's just marking time!

You could live with your sister, or your cousin, or your daughter and have a clean house, friendly conversation and NO SEX.

Only YOU can decide if the benefits of this 48-year relationship OUTWEIGH the benefits of leaving (because your wife is NOT going to change)!
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Old 03-25-2013, 08:31 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 48 years - last 15 yrs without sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by SlowlyGettingWiser View Post
did you even READ what he wrote?
Did you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by FN
I believe within her she has a ball of sexual desire pinned up just waiting on it to be lit...
I offered a plan for reawakening that desire. You and the others offered that he should just bail on his W and marriage, which if you're paying attention, is obviously something he'd rather not do... and I don't blame him.

You are right about one thing though, only FromNeptune can decide what choice is best for him.


Quote:
Originally Posted by SGW
(because your wife is NOT going to change)!
Where exactly did you get this crystal ball of yours?
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Old 03-25-2013, 12:57 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 48 years - last 15 yrs without sex

I'm surprised none of the MMSL promoters have bitten.

How To Figure Out What Is Wrong In Your Sex Life | Married Man Sex Life
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Old 03-25-2013, 03:16 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 48 years - last 15 yrs without sex

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Married for 33 years, roommates for 15.

She withdrew from the marriage 15 years ago to where her relationship to you is financial, and friendly, but you are not in a committed intimate relationship any longer. You've got a long time friend.
I agree with the poster that said this is BS.Including room mates aren't in a "committed intimate relationship"..they CAN be but then they aren't "just room mates" anymore.That term for me is a slap in the face..I haven't been married 48 years but I have been for 25 years.and if for whatever reason we couldn't have sex anymore and someone told me then you aren't married anymore now ya'll are just "room mates" AND you aren't in a committed intimate relationship anymore just based on lack of sex I might just slap them in the face.

Room mates I assume never have and never would have sex and they also aren't intimate or necessarily friends in other ways(the many ways).And what about "friends with benefits" that don't live together are they married?And how long are they married for only during sex (while its occuring) then when they aren't having sex they are back to being "just friends"?

What you are doing is making sex be the only deciding factor of whether or not 2 people are "married or not"..Otherwise they are room mates.So for me to be able to "absorb that" then two people who live together as room mates who may not even be friends either if they have sex one time then I guess during the time they are litterally having sex (in those moments) they are married?Or is anyone who has sex with anyone no matter what other circumstances married during sex?And the minute they stop having sex (not actively engaging) they are no longer married?

Who gets to draw the line?For me ?I haven't had sex with my husband in about 5 days..Am I now only his room mate?Were we only married and in a "close intimate relationship" during the minutes we last had sex 5 days ago?If not why?
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Old 03-25-2013, 03:24 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 48 years - last 15 yrs without sex

OP, how old are both of you?
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Old 03-25-2013, 03:30 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married 48 years - last 15 yrs without sex

Quote:
All I really would like to know is how is she really feeling not having intimate sexual intercourse with a man this long? What does she think about it or does she not think about it at all.
And to you sir (sorry for my rant on "room mate" your wife is obviously more than that or you wouldn't wonder such things).I would "assume" after that long as the other posters suggested she doesn't think about it often or worry about it..I would however imagine(just my guess) if she does think about it its more along the lines she knows its(her lack of interest) "unusual" and that something is 'wrong"..

She said she doesn't "need sex" ..she is correct no one "needs it" ..ask her if she ever "wants" sex.If she has never "wanted" sex in 15 whole years not even a thought in her mind (which is unusual) and that started 15 years ago?(and married 48 years)So yall are what around 70?Sounds ridiculous but she could have lost the hormones that drive the basic sex drive.Sounds like around menopause time..
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