Ive got an old/ex friend that needs help and she had no one else to turn to, so she turned to me. Heres the background.
She turns 21 in a few weeks, she has a beautiful 3 year old daughter, and has been married for 3 years. Shes been having some trust issues with her husband (whole diff story). She took her daughter and moved in with some friends, just to take time and sort things out, shes recently moved back in with him, now shes wanting to fly home to see her family, without him, and shes wanting to find herself and see if her marriage is worth saving.
So, today I talked to her, and she said that he's making her sign some papers saying that she promises to come back to Cali. and when she returns and she decides to stay with him, she has to give him all her passwords to myspace, aim, ect and cant no longer code lock her phone. Now to me, this sounds a bit controlling, she wants to leave him, but doesnt want to lose her child and I completely understand that, I told her not to use that as an excuse to stay. The lawyers in Cali have her believeing that if she comes to GA with her daughter, they can have her arrested for kidnapping. Shes afraid that if she files for divorce and stays here, that he will take her daughter away form her. I asked if hes hitting her, and her responce was "he's still breathing" so I take that as a no, but I believe she is terrified of him, but more terrified of losein her little girl.
Is there any advice I can give her? I told her she could post her, but I see she hasnt as of yet, so Im posting for her. I told her she needed to what was best for her and her childs safety, but like any mother, she doesnt want to lose her child. Anything I can tell her to set her mind at ease?
Tell her to talk to a lawyer herself (not one supplied by her husband) Legal Aid should talk to her for free.
I don't *think* they can charge her with kidnapping if they are married, they both have custody. As long as she doesn't just disappear, ya know.
Has she cheated in the past (trying to figure out why he is demanding all those things)? If not, I'd say stay in Georgia. What she should do is file for either separation/divorce in california before leaving and get a temporary custody statement before leaving. She then won't have any problem leaving (as long as she meets its requirements).
And she SHOULD NOT tell her husband what she's doing until its done. Otherwise he'll find some other way to scare her into staying.
If there are no divorce papers filed it doesn't matter. She tells him she is going to take a break and goes. JUST as if she is any wife taking a month break or whatever.
If he then files for a divorce because she won't sign the papers, he will have to do it in CA and file on her in GA. Unless he's already filed and has an order saying she can't go anywhere with the child, I don't know why she is worried at all!
She leaves her stuff in CA. That shows intent to return. He would look like an over-reacting idiot. Now, if she leaves and takes ALL her belongings as IF she is not returning THEN he could say she planned on this being permanent.
Customs and immigration use this as a "test" of a person coming from overseas seems as if they are not planning to return when their visa expires: their luggage is FULL of family photos, baby photos, things you'd take if you were not coming back and would never part with.
She can also leave him a note, or discuss the trip IN FRONT OF someone who can testify she WAS planning to return.
A round trip ticket would also be intent to return.
She just can't look like she is hiding from him or hiding information.
Thanks for the advice, Ill send this to her in hopes that she does the right thing. She told me earlier that if she files, shes gonna file thru a legal aid in Cali and said she will probably stay in Cali so he wont try to take her child. Ill keep you posted on what she decides to do.
If she is coming planning to stay with you and begin a divorce, you may need the lawyer if her husband presses kidnapping charges.
You should be very careful.
I too had a casual ( not close) friend from high school who was wanting to leave state and come live with me and leave her husband. She also wanted to bring her 5 kids !!! I was a single working person and she wasn't...
and could not understand why I couldn't allow her to do that.
When I knew her we were kids, minors
and now she was a mother of several children who was unhappily married. Her mother and 4 sisters all lived in the same city as she did and she had plenty of help... and support.
She would not and could not have survived here, not to mention I didn't want to get in the middle of a war as she was a GROWN woman... as I was.
I suggested she get legal aide as she so hated her husband... she didn't do anything and I was not about to take her and her kids on as they were not my responsibility, nor was she.
Years later, she is still with husband, kids are all grown, she has still done nothing to better her life or herself... not even sure if she works but she sure has had every opportunity.
You can't help someone who won't help themselves.
You also have to be very careful as her husband could make major trouble for you.
Oh shes not comin to stay with me..my husband wouldnt have that, he doesnt like her and thinks shes gettin everything she deserves. Shes been a big problem through-out my entire marriage, and has been one of the reasons we have had so many problems. When shes not happy, or sees someone else havin a better relationship then she has, then she tends spread rumors and trys come inbetween and cause problems, in which thats what she done here. But, me being the kind hearted person I am, I cant bear to see her hurt, she was my best friend all thru high school. Anyway..off the subject... Her family lives down here, so shes gonna come stay with her mom for a while, and if I know her mom, shes gonna do everything she can to get her to stay here. I hope she can talk some sense into her.
Is the husband in the Military? How did they go from GA to Cali?
It's a different world on the west coast.
Lot of drama here at such a young age. Well just be a friend for her, she needs to figure it out.
She d=could be kidnapping depends on California's law. She needs to talk to her lawyer, but Sandy's advice is spot on with leaving Belongings and rout trip ticket.
He sounds controling, sounds like she has been cheating.
she met him in a yahoo chat room... and talked to him on the phone for a few months, he came down here and her mom locked him up due to the age difference..when she turned 17 she took the greyhound to Cali and been there ever since...
As far as him cheating.. im not sure, but i do know that when he first starting dating her, he would txt me on his work breaks and say stuff to me that he shoulda been sayin to her, he made the remarks that if he ever cheated on her, it would be with me, i LOLed so hard...
If she has been the cause of a lot of your marriage problems, as you stated in your post, then you really may not want to get too involved, especially if she is coming back to your area.
im not gettin too involved, im just being her shoulder to cry on and someone she can talk to so she can ease her mind..but as far as a friendship, thats done and gone, theres no friendship between us, too much damage has been done.
If there is no friendship between you, then WHY do you feel the need to be her shoulder to cry on and someone she can talk to to ease her mind? Not only would I ONLY expect that FROM a friend, I would not OFFER that to anyone unless they were a good friend. If you truly feel like having her as a friend does more harm then good, you may want to rethink your gettting involved in her drama; unless you are just in it for the drama.
He sounds like he is trying the stockholm approach to controling her.
I can't believe she fell for this giuy on a Yahoo chatroom....UGHHHH.
I know the feelin, I told her she needed to becareful meeting guys in a chatroom like that..
I think he just turned 26..i know hes knockin at the door of 31..and shes just about to turn 21 so theres an age gap there, not a real huge one, but big enough one that can cause some issues. I havent talked to her since the other day..so not sure how things are goin...
I wish she wouldnt come back down here, back in highschool, she would sleep with anything that had 2 legs and a "weewee" so to speak.. and shes got a really bad rep. of bein a "ho"..and all the guys shes "been with" ask about her everytime i seen them..and shes not into white guys..and down here, that rep really follows you.. I on the other hand dont care..i just really wish she would stay in Cali.