Could taking a break save our marriage?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Family, Marriage and Relationships »General Relationship Discussion » Could taking a break save our marriage?

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Like Tree1Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 03-26-2013, 06:24 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 18
Default Could taking a break save our marriage?

First thank you for taking the time to read this. Me and my husband have just reached the one year mark. For a while I have been feeling neglected in our marriage, my husband works long hours, after a long day at work he usually retreats to the study to talk to all the people who he has just spent 10 hours at work with on facebook. After a bad day at work, I raised it with hime, however not in the way I had planned. I got angry and unfortunately raised all past issues also. After two days of almost silence he finally said we needed to talk, which we have never done in the past. He then talked of all the past hurt we have caused eachother over the past 4 years. He talked of how i always involved my mother, how I hit him ( and sometimes badly ). I also fell pregnant earliar on in our relationship. Unfortunately i miscarried 4 months into the pregnancy, he talked of how I blamed him for the miscarriage because of the stress of fighting. He said hes always felt like hes ever met the standards of my family. I didnt know how he had been feeling like this as he had never opened up like this, and he said he doesnt know how to get past all of it.Throughout all of this he remained calm, and we talked through all of the things that have hurt us. After all was said, we expressed how much we love each other, however we both dont know how move forward, we both thought some time apart might be good, as we both may see what it is we appreciate about each other.

Has anyone else been in this situation. Any comments would be greatly appreciated
c-routledge is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 03-26-2013, 06:30 PM   #2 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 18
Default Re: Could taking a break save our marriage?

We have also tried counselling in the past. We went to a few sessions. Although it helped a little, things quickly went back to their old ways
c-routledge is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-26-2013, 06:45 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: US
Posts: 592
Default Re: Could taking a break save our marriage?

It sounds like you both have built up a great deal of resentments toward the other. Counseling would probably be the next step but only if you both are willing to put in the effort to make it work long term.

Resentment will kill a relationship, if you can't get beyond this there is little hope for a happy future together.

Relationships have to be nurtured, Dr. Harley recommends couples spend 15 to 20 hours of quality time together weekly to maintain a healthy marriage. Both of you need to learn to recognize "love busters" and learn about your "love bank".

The Marriage Builders website has good resources and articles to read. Please read the book "His Needs, Her Needs" for a start. It's eye opening.
Aunt Ava is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-26-2013, 06:58 PM   #4 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 18
Default Re: Could taking a break save our marriage?

Thank you Aunt Ava, II really appreciate your message, resentment is deffinitely the word I was searching for. That is how we feel in a nut shell.

I want to try councelling again, but my husband wont as he feels he never has the time.

Although we can both take ownership of what we have done, and he says he wants us to be better again, he always makes the excuse of never having the time.

I try my best when hes at work to get evrything done, house cleaned, shopping done, meals cooked and his clothes washed and ironed for work, but it doesnt seem to make any difference to adding to his time.

I wish I knew if there was anything more i can do...
c-routledge is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-26-2013, 07:22 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: US
Posts: 592
Default Re: Could taking a break save our marriage?

Ask him, if he won't consider counseling, then what's his suggestion for saving the marriage? Truly, from what you describe it's only a matter of time before you don't have a relationship left.

In fact, if he is spending all his free time holed up in another room on Facebook ......if he doesn't want to spend quality time with you....hmm. Your marriage needs CPR stat.
Aunt Ava is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-26-2013, 07:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 388
Default Re: Could taking a break save our marriage?

Quote:
Originally Posted by c-routledge View Post
Unfortunately i miscarried 4 months into the pregnancy, he talked of how I blamed him for the miscarriage because of the stress of fighting
Unfortunate?

Sounds like a blessing in disguise.

Maybe your body's way of telling you this whole thing is a recipe for disaster. Your existing home environment is no place for an innocent child.

Quote:
Originally Posted by c-routledge View Post
He talked of how i always involved my mother, how I hit him ( and sometimes badly ).

You're not even together a year and you admit to basically beating the guy up.

Three words for you:

Anger Management Counseling.
totamm is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-26-2013, 07:36 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
WorkingOnMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Washington State
Posts: 4,715
Default Re: Could taking a break save our marriage?

Honestly, it sounds like you got the "let down softly" breakup speech. I think he's looking for a way out. He might even be afraid of you.
WorkingOnMe is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-26-2013, 10:00 PM   #8 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 18
Default Re: Could taking a break save our marriage?

Hi totamm,

Thanks for you response, Yes in the beggining we got pregnant, and YUP unfortunately lost the baby. We were pretty happy about having a baby, we were young and scared and to be honest not prepared to be parents. Things didnt turn bad until after I miscarried, we were close for awhile after the miscarriage, I guess that was the grief. He was the first to introduce violence, however after that he never did it again, however since then he has has outbursts of verbal abuse towards me, calling me fat, that i dont do enough, work enough, earn enough, that I am a bad wife.. Sometimes his rants can continue for over an hour. I try my best to control th anger boiling in me, but I break eventually. When I do I usually lash out. It makes me fell embarresed and incredibly ashamed
c-routledge is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-26-2013, 10:06 PM   #9 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 18
Default Re: Could taking a break save our marriage?

Hi workingonme,

It wasnt so much a let down softly speech. We both took the time equally to discuss the things that have hurt us in the past. Although it has been awhile since we have done hurtful things to one another the hurt is very much still there for him by the sounds of things. He said he wants things to work out for us, but doesnt know how to work through everything thats happened
c-routledge is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-26-2013, 10:13 PM   #10 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 18
Default Re: Could taking a break save our marriage?

vngufmxw - I completely agree, however really hope it does not get to that point, we both agreed that we want to save our marriage
c-routledge is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-26-2013, 11:10 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Plan 9 from OS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,657
Default Re: Could taking a break save our marriage?

Do you two come from different cultural backgrounds? Just a hunch, but which one is Hispanic?
Plan 9 from OS is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-26-2013, 11:26 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 47
Default Re: Could taking a break save our marriage?

I think both of you needs time to be away from each other. Perhaps this is a way for you to think things through.
elizabethdennis is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-27-2013, 02:50 AM   #13 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 18
Default Re: Could taking a break save our marriage?

Hi Plan 9 from OS,

Yes we are both from different cultural backgrounds, and different religious backgrounds. Neither of us a hispanic though. Hes british, I am a New Zealander.
c-routledge is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-27-2013, 02:52 AM   #14 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 18
Default Re: Could taking a break save our marriage?

Thanks elizabethdennis, I agree. I have chosen to stay with my mum for awhile, and take to time to decide how we both feel, would you recommend contact or no contact?
c-routledge is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-27-2013, 12:49 PM   #15 (permalink)
Vrs
Member
 
Vrs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 64
Default Re: Could taking a break save our marriage?

In the early years of my marriage my wife and I fought constantly (though never physically like you two - that has to STOP and NEVER be an option - period), and we finally reached a point out of frustration where I took a job on the road selling for 6 months. I felt I had to do something because we'd already gone through 3 marriage counselors during the past 2 years and the last one recommended we get a divorce (thanks a lot).

Anyway, because every conversation deteriorated to an argument I felt we were stuck in a cycle we didn't know how to get out of. So I wanted "space" between us to try to re-establish a friendship and try to go from there.

Well it worked, but not without a lot of patience and prayer. The first couple months my wife was rather distant because she felt abandoned. Then, after she saw I continued to send her money and support her, plus I continued interacting with our kids with frequent phone calls, she began to see I really was trying and began to trust I'd really meant it when I said I wanted to work things out and had only taken that job to give us enough space to try to become friends again and see what developed from there. It was the last couple months when I started "courting" her again with daily cards or gifts in the mail and other surprises. We actually got back together on our anniversary that year. (Year 10, we're now 2 and a half months away from our 32nd year anniv.)

You have to understand, I've always loved my wife - even during the very worst of times. We just didn't know how to resolve our conflicts. It was so frustrating to be so angry with each other all the time, and for every conversation to end up with misunderstandings and disagreements.

There are so many principles involved in having a good marriage. The first is making a commitment. Without a firm commitment a marriage will not make it through the tough times. The second principle is communication - really hearing each other (instead of talking and trying to be heard) and understanding how the other feels and why. The third is compromise. If you're not willing to compromise with each other you'll only have power struggles between you where one is always the winner and the other a loser. Not the recipe for a good relationship.

Here's a nice little ebook that can help you master the 3 principles I just outlined.

I wish you all the best in working things out and hope you can glean a few ideas from our story. All I can say is each year together gets better because we've learned how to give each other space and accept our differences. And to think we almost didn't make it.
__________________
Is your marriage at a breaking point? Ours was, and nothing helped until we learned how to resolve our conflicts. Here's an excellent guide that showed us how.
Vrs is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
We're taking a break... guiltygirl Considering Divorce or Separation 25 10-31-2012 12:15 AM
Taking a break in a marriage....does it help? RT50 General Relationship Discussion 12 06-25-2012 11:19 AM
Marriage problems, taking a break!? Need help! MCM Physical & Mental Health Issues 1 04-26-2012 10:52 AM
Taking a break from TAM HerToo Coping with Infidelity 7 12-07-2011 07:05 AM
Taking a break major misfit The Ladies' Lounge 7 03-07-2011 04:12 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:25 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.