First thank you for taking the time to read this. Me and my husband have just reached the one year mark. For a while I have been feeling neglected in our marriage, my husband works long hours, after a long day at work he usually retreats to the study to talk to all the people who he has just spent 10 hours at work with on facebook. After a bad day at work, I raised it with hime, however not in the way I had planned. I got angry and unfortunately raised all past issues also. After two days of almost silence he finally said we needed to talk, which we have never done in the past. He then talked of all the past hurt we have caused eachother over the past 4 years. He talked of how i always involved my mother, how I hit him ( and sometimes badly ). I also fell pregnant earliar on in our relationship. Unfortunately i miscarried 4 months into the pregnancy, he talked of how I blamed him for the miscarriage because of the stress of fighting. He said hes always felt like hes ever met the standards of my family. I didnt know how he had been feeling like this as he had never opened up like this, and he said he doesnt know how to get past all of it.Throughout all of this he remained calm, and we talked through all of the things that have hurt us. After all was said, we expressed how much we love each other, however we both dont know how move forward, we both thought some time apart might be good, as we both may see what it is we appreciate about each other.
Has anyone else been in this situation. Any comments would be greatly appreciated
It sounds like you both have built up a great deal of resentments toward the other. Counseling would probably be the next step but only if you both are willing to put in the effort to make it work long term.
Resentment will kill a relationship, if you can't get beyond this there is little hope for a happy future together.
Relationships have to be nurtured, Dr. Harley recommends couples spend 15 to 20 hours of quality time together weekly to maintain a healthy marriage. Both of you need to learn to recognize "love busters" and learn about your "love bank".
The Marriage Builders website has good resources and articles to read. Please read the book "His Needs, Her Needs" for a start. It's eye opening.
Thank you Aunt Ava, II really appreciate your message, resentment is deffinitely the word I was searching for. That is how we feel in a nut shell.
I want to try councelling again, but my husband wont as he feels he never has the time.
Although we can both take ownership of what we have done, and he says he wants us to be better again, he always makes the excuse of never having the time.
I try my best when hes at work to get evrything done, house cleaned, shopping done, meals cooked and his clothes washed and ironed for work, but it doesnt seem to make any difference to adding to his time.
I wish I knew if there was anything more i can do...
Thanks for you response, Yes in the beggining we got pregnant, and YUP unfortunately lost the baby. We were pretty happy about having a baby, we were young and scared and to be honest not prepared to be parents. Things didnt turn bad until after I miscarried, we were close for awhile after the miscarriage, I guess that was the grief. He was the first to introduce violence, however after that he never did it again, however since then he has has outbursts of verbal abuse towards me, calling me fat, that i dont do enough, work enough, earn enough, that I am a bad wife.. Sometimes his rants can continue for over an hour. I try my best to control th anger boiling in me, but I break eventually. When I do I usually lash out. It makes me fell embarresed and incredibly ashamed
It wasnt so much a let down softly speech. We both took the time equally to discuss the things that have hurt us in the past. Although it has been awhile since we have done hurtful things to one another the hurt is very much still there for him by the sounds of things. He said he wants things to work out for us, but doesnt know how to work through everything thats happened
In the early years of my marriage my wife and I fought constantly (though never physically like you two - that has to STOP and NEVER be an option - period), and we finally reached a point out of frustration where I took a job on the road selling for 6 months. I felt I had to do something because we'd already gone through 3 marriage counselors during the past 2 years and the last one recommended we get a divorce (thanks a lot).
Anyway, because every conversation deteriorated to an argument I felt we were stuck in a cycle we didn't know how to get out of. So I wanted "space" between us to try to re-establish a friendship and try to go from there.
Well it worked, but not without a lot of patience and prayer. The first couple months my wife was rather distant because she felt abandoned. Then, after she saw I continued to send her money and support her, plus I continued interacting with our kids with frequent phone calls, she began to see I really was trying and began to trust I'd really meant it when I said I wanted to work things out and had only taken that job to give us enough space to try to become friends again and see what developed from there. It was the last couple months when I started "courting" her again with daily cards or gifts in the mail and other surprises. We actually got back together on our anniversary that year. (Year 10, we're now 2 and a half months away from our 32nd year anniv.)
You have to understand, I've always loved my wife - even during the very worst of times. We just didn't know how to resolve our conflicts. It was so frustrating to be so angry with each other all the time, and for every conversation to end up with misunderstandings and disagreements.
There are so many principles involved in having a good marriage. The first is making a commitment. Without a firm commitment a marriage will not make it through the tough times. The second principle is communication - really hearing each other (instead of talking and trying to be heard) and understanding how the other feels and why. The third is compromise. If you're not willing to compromise with each other you'll only have power struggles between you where one is always the winner and the other a loser. Not the recipe for a good relationship.
I wish you all the best in working things out and hope you can glean a few ideas from our story. All I can say is each year together gets better because we've learned how to give each other space and accept our differences. And to think we almost didn't make it.