Prober1

Ok, this is the first time posting on this thread and really need some direction. To make a long story short, my wife and I have been separated for approximately 4 months after 5 1/2 years of marriage. There was no singular event that preceded her asking me to leave (kicking me out), but a lot of arguing over house work, lack of affection etc. There was a lot of angry outbursts on my part and I have been in counseling the last four months to address my anger. Two weeks after our separation, our house sold in like three days and my wife and four year old daughter recently moved into a new home and I am living in an apartment in a nearby town.

I responded to the separation in a typical fashion- begging, pleading, showering her with gifts with no effect. My wife was adamant that she wanted a divorce but we still stayed in contact to discuss issues that concern our daughter. I even helped her move into her new house which was extremely uncomfortable for me. The only constant contact we have at this point is that we sit by eachother in church together each Sunday.

After about two months into the separation, my wife told me that she did not no what she wanted to happen, and that she was confused. I have attempted several times to engage her in a conversation about what we need to do to save our marriage but she responds, "I am not at that place yet".

About month three into this separation, I decided to institute no contact with my wife for my own emotional stability and to give her an opportunity to experience life without me. I told her that I was going to do this to give her the space that she wants and because I did not want our relationship reduced to two minute conversations when I am calling to tell my daughter goodnight. I made it clear what I wanted in our relationship and told her I loved her and said goodbye.

She reacted the first week of NC by either not answering the phone at all when I called to wish our 4 year old daughter goodnight or answering the phone herself to ask how my day was. When she would call when I had my daughter, I would simply hand the phone to my daughter and hang it up after she was done without speaking to my wife.

During this period, some of my wife's passive aggressive tendencies really started to manifest. She would text message me to tell me about what a great time she was having on vacation or send me pictures from her vacation.
She would also keep me updated on the status of her remodeling projects in her new home which always felt like I was getting stuck with a dagger. I generally reacted by not reacting at all even though it was hurtful to hear about her life without me.

A couple of days ago my wife expressed to me that she feels like I am trying to control the situation by not talking to her when I call my daughter. She stated that if there is any hope of us working things out we need to talk to eachother-which I agree on- but she says that she is still too angry to talk about "us". We agreed to make time each Wednesday night to talk to eachother but the topic of our relationship is off limits because she says that I am not respecting her if I try to talk about it.

Last night was our first night talking. We talked for an hour and a half about work but nothing of any real substance. My wife seems to have problems with intimacy, expressing her emotions, and forgiveness and wonder if it is a good idea to have this weekly conversation or go back to No Contact. Also, our anniversary is later this month and I don't know if I should acknowledge it or not.

thanks in advance for any help

Corpuswife

There is a book when Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Dobson. You are essentially doing what the book says. NC accept mutual business. This method is helpful when one spouse wants out and the other wants to work on the marriage. As in my case.

Begging, convincing, pleading, sex, letters, emails, texts.....I've tried it all. Still he says "I am 100% that I want a divorce." I was walking in negativity, anger, and eggshells on a daily basis. I suggest a separation and he thought it was a good idea (something that he'd never thought of). HMMMM. If he is 100% sure he wants a divorce, then why did he separate first?

Two weeks before our separation I started my Tough Love (see my thread Love Must Be Tough). We quit sleeping in the same bed; no sex; no undressing in front of him; no calling/texting him; etc.

Before the separation. I/we had ground rules. NC unless for mutual business; no dating others; no big spending without approval; we'll meet in a month do discuss if separation should continue/divorce/etc.

Last week he's started to text about "mutual business" just for the sake of texting. I ignore them unless an answer is needed.

What you are doing is absolutely correct in my opinion. The spouse that is angry with the NC will often pull the "if there is any hope of getting our marriage on track then NC is blowing it!" They want to blame/guilt us back into their comfort zone again.

If they want a divorce or separation, then let them FEEL what it's like to have one! For me it's the last resort.

Prober1

I tend to think that the best thing to do may be to end this Wednesday night discussion if it ends up being trivial conversation. My only concern is that I have already agreed to do it to see "if we can still communicate together" although there is no indication at this point that the discussions will have any substance.

Corpuswife

I agree. Oct. 08...I heard the words...I am no longer in love with you.

OK. No affairs or abuse in our marriage. No fighting really. We work as a team. He's 45 and looking for more or the grass is greener...not sure. He's not sure. Up until the day before he left, we had been doing things as a family. He would call me daily and vent or chat. A few weeks before I quit talking about the relationship. It got me nowhere. He still wanted to chat about his life/doings.

I haven't found anything of substance in our conversations yet! He doesn't know what the hell is wrong other than his "feelings."
Don't expect much in conversations. You'll probably get the same ole same ole.

The only way I will reconcile at this point, is if apologizes for giving up on the marriage and wants to come back to work on a better, healthier marriage. Otherwise, I am just spinning my wheels.

I know where you are at.....frustrating huh?

Prober1

She actually asked me to attend a wedding reception last week to see my daughter be the flower girl in the wedding. I attended the wedding and left before the family photos. My wife did not ask me to go to the reception at the time so I had no intention of going. I text messaged her later to say that it was awesome to see our daughter in the wedding and how beautiful our daughter looked. It was at that point that my wife texted back and said I could come by the reception if I was bored. I waited about an hour after the reception started and showed up. I had really positive interactions with her family and I haven't seen alot of them since the reception started. At the end of the night, I asked my wife to slow dance. She agreed but assumed the more traditional/less intimate slow dance position-left hand extended. My daughter saw us dancing and immediately ran up and wanted to be part of it. I am sure it is because she misses seeing us together and being a family. It was a good moment to be with them. It was funny at one point because my daughter told her mom to "kiss daddy on the lips". My wife responded by kissing my daughter on the lips and kissing me on the cheek. It was nice being together as a family but my wife seems hot and cold from day to day.

Prober1

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through that. It makes you wonder what they are doing during the separation time to figure out what they want or to heal themselves. I dont believe the mere passage of time is going to do anything!

Loving Husband

I see so much of this in ym wife the first time I went through it we were seperate. I kept trying harder and harder. After I finally stopped calling her she eventually came back to talk. I had X-Mas around the corner to help but our problems never got resolved like normal because my wife fails to fix them. Would rather blame. Now here were are 5 years later and in the same mess but not as bad. We are still in same bed and I hope the MC works for us. Still good luck. It's nice to see couples work it out. Especially for the kids who need both parents together loving each other..

Corpuswife

Good point. That is the one thing that I mentioned to him before he left. I told him that I "hoped that he would work on himself..emotionally/spiritually." He had a counselor he confided in at the beginning of the year. She wasn't on our insurance plan and quite expensive. Initially, he was "hiding" his counseling. He quit hiding it. However, the expense kept him from going. Anyway, I suggested that he find someone on our insurance plan. He said he would at least work on himself.

I pray, for our family, that he does. No matter, if we get back together I want him healthy and happy. That is heartfelt.

Time will not do anything. But it does give space for thought. I couldn't/he couldn't think about anything clearly. We were consumed with our marriage crisis. Sort of in the middle of a storm and you don't know what to do. At least we both are feeling the separation physically and emotionally. I am afraid that he won't fair too well. I can't help him. He has to help himself.

Loving Husband

Time to breathe and reflect is what a lot of people need. Especially the ones trying to run away. You can't escape your problems that way. They will only resurface again. Even if he does help himself after that he needs to apply that into your marriage. Then it will be positive..

Prober1

I am glad to hear that you are using prayer in your difficult time. I have really been exploring faith during my separation and it truly does make things bearable. WHat I am trying to do at this point is express my caring and respect to my wife by giving her the space to sort things out and let God handle the rest. I have reached the point where I believe the more I try and control the outcome of this separation, the more she will resist working on our relationship.

Loving Husband

I know whre you are right now and I was there 5 years ago.. It is true the more you try to convince or control the outcome the harder it will be. She needs to see the grass isn't greener.. That the issues you have would resurface in another relationship. People rather run then face the issues they have. it's easier to do that. Especially the ones that are weaker in the mind cause its a quick fix.. yet time will show them it's not going to be better.. Good Luck..

Prober1

My concern that she is continuing to take vacations, trips, and other recreational activities. I'm not saying I don't want her to enjoy herself, but I'm concerned that she is going to see that as her new life when it isn't possible to continue to sustain that level of activity forever. I think she is doing these things as an avoidance kind of thing.

Loving Husband

Let her. She will see that it isn't reality. Then only then will she realize that she still has to face the problems. Just allow her to run..

Prober1

I appreciate your thoughtful response!

Corpuswife

Me too! I feel closer to GOD now than I ever have...

Yes. Releasing control and allowing her the freedom. She gets the reality of life (good and bad). Now is also your chance to shine!