General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My problems don't seem to amount to the severity of others, but I'll share the biggest one I have anyway and seek out advice.
My wife and I have been married for a little over 4 years, and I think like most couples we've had our ups and downs, but mostly ups! There is one underlying problem though and I'm torn inside on what to do.
I think I married my wife before I was ready to get married. When I am away from her I think about how much fun it would be to just go out and let the night take me where it will without having to worry about the judgement of another. I'm not Brad Pitt, but I do get hit on by women and there is a part of me that wants to flirt back. Out of respect and love for her I never have though. I would never want to hurt her.
Another issue is that my wife and I haven't been able to have sex in close to 3 years. There are some issues which I won't share, but none of them belong to me in that aspect. I knew this would be a problem when I married her, and I thought I would be able to get passed it, but lately I've begun to realize I can't. Call me weak, lame, self-centered or whatnot, but over the last few years my dreams have been filled with more vivid... things, and the yearning has been growing more and more. Part of me is wondering if there is something wrong with my head.
Now, I love my wife, but I think the lack of intimacy has partly ruined things. I'm also partly to blame, as I don't always like to cuddle or kiss. I think it has made me more view her as a really really good friend than my lover. I know I love her, but I'm just not sure I'm in love with her anymore.
Well, I decided to be open and honest with her because it's what she always wants, and she's made a concession. To allow me to go find random flings when I really feel the urge. However, I know deep down this hurts her, and I know if I do do it, it will hurt her that I did. Prostitution isn't legal where I live, looking on certain websites it is expensive, and quite frankly I don't want to burn through women just to get my jollies. I'm sure I could do it if I needed, but it's not what feels right and never did. I'm also not sure I could/would even go through with it if it was arranged.
I've talked to my wife about this, and she knows that I am thinking about separating. It would be under the best of conditions and I've told her that I will still pay for her college as well as provide her with medical insurance as long is necessary for some of her things. As I said I do love her, and I know she loves me and her personal feelings are that she wants to try to work through it, I just don't know if I can, I've already been waiting a long time and I've had these thoughts for a while.
I just don't know what to do. Part of me is telling me that I should avoid hurting her at all costs and just accept being unhappy if that's what the future holds. Another part of me is telling me that it would be best to do it now, rather than wait until later, as that will make it easier on her. And the selfish part of me is saying I should do what feels right to me. I'm just completely torn and have no idea what to do.
I'm sorry if I come across as a selfish sexual predator in my wording, I'm not sure how else to put it. I look forward to any feedback.
2 - Even with her permission to find "flings" - there is no guarantee you won't "fall" for one of them, crushing her in the process.
3 - If you can't stayed married to someone without having sex (and I don't blame you for that) and there is a reason she can't have sex that can't be gotten around (with therapy or meds), then I would say you might want to get divorced.......
1. Yes, there are physical reasons, through no fault of her own. That's what makes me feel horrible about it.
2. That is one of her biggest fears, that I will become attached to a fling. I know I could prevent that from happening, but then how much of my true self am I selling out?
3. Again, it's a completely physical thing. And I hate to say it but the other... options, just aren't the same. I feel like a pig for saying it, but it's true.
What about other options sexually aside from intercourse?
It would be a bad idea to get involved in any regard with someone else. Infidelity is a horrible thing, and is nothing but descructive. Even if your wife consents it's still destructive. You might very well find someone you are having casual sex with frequently and it will lead to nothing but heart ache. There is simply nothing good that come from fulfilling needs out side of the marriage.
I would research other options besides intercourse, be open minded. I can't imagine not having that intimacy. I respect you for handling it as long as you have.
We've looked at and explored other options. As they stack up, here they are (warning, language?).
1. Anal - Something she doesn't enjoy, at all. We tried it and tried to do it properly, but she said she just couldn't get used to it and it kind of hurt her.
2. Oral - Always good, but after 3 years of that's all, it's certainly lost it's appeal. Definitely not as interesting as it used to be.
3. Toys - They simply don't feel the same. Maybe my mind is just being stubborn, but it just doesn't cut the cookie.
Yes, I'm very leery on her proposed solution of just meeting people casually. While on part of me wants to jump around like a middle ages school boy who just got kissed for the first time, the larger part feels as I described in the first post.
I appreciate the replies. I think I'm solidifying behind a course of action.
I'm sorry about your situation, but I'm glad that you posted. I'm in a similar situation and I feel like a real bum for it. My wife has never given me the options that yours has, though, and I very seriously doubt she ever would.
I would act on her suggestion. It sounds like your marriage is ruined otherwise and it just may be that you are strong enough to fulfill your needs without killing your marriage.
I'm at a complete loss
hugs to you.
