My wife suddenly changed, zero affection. People change, but this is insanity.
Please, I let my fingers run unopposed, this is long; skim if you must, but I am desperate.
My wife and I have lived together for nine years. We are both nearly 30. No children.
Our relationship has always been fantastic, very little arguing (bickering, really, and neither of us have ever yelled--until now), similar goals: masters+ degrees, house, one kid eventually post education and career stability, excellent sex life.
She graduated with her Masters-Counseling (irony?) in May, and literally within a week of her newly acquired "freedom" she changed. That week she went out to celebrate no less than four times, three without me as I work until 10pm three to four nights a week ( At first I thought absolutely nothing of this, proud of her achievements and trust was not an issue)...
... after a few weeks of never being home when I got home (at least she would text me saying she was "out"), I started to worry but didn't bring it up; she had been in school for seven of the nine years after all (not always full-time), with very little solo-girlfriends-non-husband-bar-action, my brain ate up that excuse no problem.
Yet, her affection level dropped from above average, but not overbearing, to none during these few weeks. If she said, "I love you" it was always prefaced by my saying it. Hugs and kisses were my initiation, always. Reciprocation of my affections started feeling a little too quick, or even a little compulsory (I tried to play it off as my imagination).
I tried to take the good-hubby route: flowers increased, her choice of favorite restaurants, showed more interest than I needed to, cut into my personal time and PTO from work, all without seeming too servile. I have always had an adeptness at making her feel sexy, wanted and loved--nine years... her ability to make me feel the exact opposite eviscerated the confidence clean out of me.
I became desperate, started attempting the "testing games", not saying I love you, few affections here and there, a bit of the potent ignore. --no improvement.
--In fact, it got worse. I got worse.
I've have never been an angry individual, I do not yell...
One weekend she went out again on Saturday, her friend's graduation party. The next night she told me she was going out again, this time the pronoun was just "a friend" so, naturally I ask, with who? --Bill*
Ok, don't panic. She can have guy friends, I'm cool, I'm cool. I say, "alright, don't stay out too late".
She doesn't come home until 2am. I confront her on this, just a friend she says, she is allowed to have guy friends, this guy is cool, she says, wants to teach her how to play bass. Hah, thats not all he wants, I think--and apparently say, although I shouldn't have let my ego get the better of me. She blows it off, but wants to go to bed. Chill, man...
The next night, Monday, she tells me at 7pm she is going to hang with Bill* for her "bass" lesson. I say she is overstepping a boundary, but if she is serious and is sure this guy has only a friendly interest then alright, but don't stay out so late. 10, 11pm, she says. 1:45am and three "ill be home soon" text messages later... hey this is getting out of hand, but "I" am being jealous and controlling? --you are married not single. "Whatever, I'm going to bed", she blows it off. We talk a little about it the next morning, she only wants to learn bass, the guy is fun to hang out with, he has a girlfriend, don't be jealous....
Third night in a row, she goes out again, this time with him and a few friends whom I don't know. 1:30am she texts me, "sorry I'm late, a little drunk so I am waiting it out, be home soon!"
2am, stumbles through the door, wasted--STILL wasted, so drunk she can barely stand. I am livid.
The next morning, after passing out with my help to the bedroom, I have a stern talk with her. She really upset me, she could have hurt herself, or worse hurt someone else. What is she doing? Does she seriously think I wouldn't be upset at her spending 24hours in three days with this guy--and come home drunk? You need to slow it down, does this guy's girlfriend even care? Apparently, she does. Bill* was told not to hang out with my wife anymore. Jealousy doesn't just run in the veins of men...
Now, three months have passed. She still goes out two, sometimes three times a week. Drunk a few times, but at least carried in on the shoulder of a "guy" friend. One time so badly she threw up over nearly the entirety of the bathroom floor. We argue, loudly.
"I think my seven years in college and not seeing you often was the only reason we got along! Now that we have all this time we probably would have never gotten along...", she said through tears.
... the multi-week trips we took over the past nine years. Honeymoon. Time in between semesters. Love.
"You are so angry all the time, I feel like I am being punished you barely talk to me, you are so controlling, you clam up like a little deer and don't talk!", she said.
I can never bring up the fact that she shows me no affection, no conversation about my feelings, how she changed, the pain... **snap** her tone changes, argument ensues.
--During one argument I say how bad she makes me feel, I resent her, she isn't the same person, I feel like I despise her. Do you want to be single again? --do you hate me? --lets just get a divorce, I'll get a lawyer tomorrow, my god nine years, my youth is gone... you have your degree, I worked hard to make sure we lived comfortably, you paid your half of bills, everything else I used my money, my savings was entirely for the house we planned to buy, the baby we planned to have, it's unfair! plans, plans, love, life, my god... it hurts.
I have never been so angry in my entire three decades. A third of which belongs to her.
I bottle up.
At least once a week: "You despise me!", "Don't get angry, I am just going out with friends.", "I can't be the affectionate person you want me to be, I have NEVER been very affectionate, I am not that kind of person!"
Her memory was erased, a new party-girl single gal injected in the vacuous spaces!
I will never live it down, the anger, my yelling, my tears, her tears.
She has done nothing wrong... "You act like the victim.", the hypocrisy is crippling.
In three months she has acquired two tattoos; she shifts from calm and collected (if melancholy), to snappish, short and dominating. In three months I've been slapped three times, for no reason than she was drunk, aggressive and didn't like a playful (a comment for a comment) rebuke.
**The last three months (right before the start of her thesis) she started taking Celexa and Quanapin... I fully believe these two drugs have a role in her drastic change (timing is so coincidental, no?), but she REFUSES to stop taking them, absolute disbelief that they could be a cause. She has done nothing wrong...
Folks, I know this is a lot of info... unneeded or not. I have not been able to communicate this to anyone. I have always found it easier to express how I feel in writing...
As I wrote that last sentence above, she text me stating she is " Wasy too drunk gonna crash here &) " (sic)
This hurts so bad, nothing I have said to her matters... Most of you will say divorce, leave her, the few I have spoke with personally reiterate this. NINE years, wonderful relationship... then this.
How can a woman change like this? I have no trust, no faith in women any longer and it shows. It's such a generalization... but feels so truthfull.
I started losing my hair...
I am upset and sad all the time...
She told me she no longer wanted to have children... I made sure over the last 8 years (lived together eight, married *one*!) she wanted a child.
I want to be a father... damn, humanity deserves hell.