My wife suddenly changed, zero affection. People change, but this is insanity.
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Old 08-08-2009, 01:05 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife suddenly changed, zero affection. People change, but this is insanity.

Please, I let my fingers run unopposed, this is long; skim if you must, but I am desperate.



My wife and I have lived together for nine years. We are both nearly 30. No children.

Our relationship has always been fantastic, very little arguing (bickering, really, and neither of us have ever yelled--until now), similar goals: masters+ degrees, house, one kid eventually post education and career stability, excellent sex life.

She graduated with her Masters-Counseling (irony?) in May, and literally within a week of her newly acquired "freedom" she changed. That week she went out to celebrate no less than four times, three without me as I work until 10pm three to four nights a week ( At first I thought absolutely nothing of this, proud of her achievements and trust was not an issue)...

... after a few weeks of never being home when I got home (at least she would text me saying she was "out"), I started to worry but didn't bring it up; she had been in school for seven of the nine years after all (not always full-time), with very little solo-girlfriends-non-husband-bar-action, my brain ate up that excuse no problem.

Yet, her affection level dropped from above average, but not overbearing, to none during these few weeks. If she said, "I love you" it was always prefaced by my saying it. Hugs and kisses were my initiation, always. Reciprocation of my affections started feeling a little too quick, or even a little compulsory (I tried to play it off as my imagination).

I tried to take the good-hubby route: flowers increased, her choice of favorite restaurants, showed more interest than I needed to, cut into my personal time and PTO from work, all without seeming too servile. I have always had an adeptness at making her feel sexy, wanted and loved--nine years... her ability to make me feel the exact opposite eviscerated the confidence clean out of me.

I became desperate, started attempting the "testing games", not saying I love you, few affections here and there, a bit of the potent ignore. --no improvement.

--In fact, it got worse. I got worse.

I've have never been an angry individual, I do not yell...

One weekend she went out again on Saturday, her friend's graduation party. The next night she told me she was going out again, this time the pronoun was just "a friend" so, naturally I ask, with who? --Bill*

Ok, don't panic. She can have guy friends, I'm cool, I'm cool. I say, "alright, don't stay out too late".

She doesn't come home until 2am. I confront her on this, just a friend she says, she is allowed to have guy friends, this guy is cool, she says, wants to teach her how to play bass. Hah, thats not all he wants, I think--and apparently say, although I shouldn't have let my ego get the better of me. She blows it off, but wants to go to bed. Chill, man...

The next night, Monday, she tells me at 7pm she is going to hang with Bill* for her "bass" lesson. I say she is overstepping a boundary, but if she is serious and is sure this guy has only a friendly interest then alright, but don't stay out so late. 10, 11pm, she says. 1:45am and three "ill be home soon" text messages later... hey this is getting out of hand, but "I" am being jealous and controlling? --you are married not single. "Whatever, I'm going to bed", she blows it off. We talk a little about it the next morning, she only wants to learn bass, the guy is fun to hang out with, he has a girlfriend, don't be jealous....

Third night in a row, she goes out again, this time with him and a few friends whom I don't know. 1:30am she texts me, "sorry I'm late, a little drunk so I am waiting it out, be home soon!"

2am, stumbles through the door, wasted--STILL wasted, so drunk she can barely stand. I am livid.

The next morning, after passing out with my help to the bedroom, I have a stern talk with her. She really upset me, she could have hurt herself, or worse hurt someone else. What is she doing? Does she seriously think I wouldn't be upset at her spending 24hours in three days with this guy--and come home drunk? You need to slow it down, does this guy's girlfriend even care? Apparently, she does. Bill* was told not to hang out with my wife anymore. Jealousy doesn't just run in the veins of men...

Now, three months have passed. She still goes out two, sometimes three times a week. Drunk a few times, but at least carried in on the shoulder of a "guy" friend. One time so badly she threw up over nearly the entirety of the bathroom floor. We argue, loudly.

"I think my seven years in college and not seeing you often was the only reason we got along! Now that we have all this time we probably would have never gotten along...", she said through tears.

... the multi-week trips we took over the past nine years. Honeymoon. Time in between semesters. Love.

"You are so angry all the time, I feel like I am being punished you barely talk to me, you are so controlling, you clam up like a little deer and don't talk!", she said.

I can never bring up the fact that she shows me no affection, no conversation about my feelings, how she changed, the pain... **snap** her tone changes, argument ensues.

--During one argument I say how bad she makes me feel, I resent her, she isn't the same person, I feel like I despise her. Do you want to be single again? --do you hate me? --lets just get a divorce, I'll get a lawyer tomorrow, my god nine years, my youth is gone... you have your degree, I worked hard to make sure we lived comfortably, you paid your half of bills, everything else I used my money, my savings was entirely for the house we planned to buy, the baby we planned to have, it's unfair! plans, plans, love, life, my god... it hurts.



I have never been so angry in my entire three decades. A third of which belongs to her.



I bottle up.

At least once a week: "You despise me!", "Don't get angry, I am just going out with friends.", "I can't be the affectionate person you want me to be, I have NEVER been very affectionate, I am not that kind of person!"

Her memory was erased, a new party-girl single gal injected in the vacuous spaces!

I will never live it down, the anger, my yelling, my tears, her tears.

She has done nothing wrong... "You act like the victim.", the hypocrisy is crippling.

In three months she has acquired two tattoos; she shifts from calm and collected (if melancholy), to snappish, short and dominating. In three months I've been slapped three times, for no reason than she was drunk, aggressive and didn't like a playful (a comment for a comment) rebuke.

**The last three months (right before the start of her thesis) she started taking Celexa and Quanapin... I fully believe these two drugs have a role in her drastic change (timing is so coincidental, no?), but she REFUSES to stop taking them, absolute disbelief that they could be a cause. She has done nothing wrong...

Folks, I know this is a lot of info... unneeded or not. I have not been able to communicate this to anyone. I have always found it easier to express how I feel in writing...

As I wrote that last sentence above, she text me stating she is " Wasy too drunk gonna crash here &) " (sic)

This hurts so bad, nothing I have said to her matters... Most of you will say divorce, leave her, the few I have spoke with personally reiterate this. NINE years, wonderful relationship... then this.

How can a woman change like this? I have no trust, no faith in women any longer and it shows. It's such a generalization... but feels so truthfull.

I started losing my hair...

I am upset and sad all the time...

She told me she no longer wanted to have children... I made sure over the last 8 years (lived together eight, married *one*!) she wanted a child.

I want to be a father... damn, humanity deserves hell.
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Old 08-08-2009, 01:19 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife suddenly changed, zero affection. People change, but this is insanity.

I can't but post this, because my friend has a little bit similar experience. He's my best mate, a person I could trust my life with. He's gone out with the same woman for 13 years. I always thought that they were a perfect match. All the time we spent together and the evening discussions we had together made me confident that there's a couple whose never going to break up.

He wanted a family, she wanted to party.

Now suddenly the relationship took a wild turn. She wanted to get rid of him.. Very clear in her, until the real process started. My buddy took this as a huge shock, started drinking *extremely* heavily and was desperate. But the strangest part was that when he was about to get over it, she started to linger and want to hang out together every now and then - which made him all the more confused and ailing.

Have you had a good, long talk about all of this? I've gone through big crises in my marriage, and it was difficult to get to the table and start talking. But when it happened we set a new direction and also discussed about rules. I've had a somewhat similar experience with losing her attention, and she's said that she could well live without me - which hurt really bad. I know I could too, but I don't want to
say such a thing.
We have good and bad periods, but I believe in love. I can get hurt with it; I'll take the risk.

All the best with you!
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Old 08-08-2009, 01:29 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife suddenly changed, zero affection. People change, but this is insanity.

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Originally Posted by nerdvm View Post
I can't but post this, because my friend has a little bit similar experience. He's my best mate, a person I could trust my life with. He's gone out with the same woman for 13 years. I always thought that they were a perfect match. All the time we spent together and the evening discussions we had together made me confident that there's a couple whose never going to break up.

He wanted a family, she wanted to party.

Now suddenly the relationship took a wild turn. She wanted to get rid of him.. Very clear in her, until the real process started. My buddy took this as a huge shock, started drinking *extremely* heavily and was desperate. But the strangest part was that when he was about to get over it, she started to linger and want to hang out together every now and then - which made him all the more confused and ailing.

Have you had a good, long talk about all of this? I've gone through big crises in my marriage, and it was difficult to get to the table and start talking. But when it happened we set a new direction and also discussed about rules. I've had a somewhat similar experience with losing her attention, and she's said that she could well live without me - which hurt really bad. I know I could too, but I don't want to
say such a thing.
We have good and bad periods, but I believe in love. I can get hurt with it; I'll take the risk.

All the best with you!
Several long discussions.

She cries for the hour that we talk; all of them the same.
I want to work on it... she nods.
Do you still love me? she nods.
Why are you so angry and have mood swings? --"YOU are the angry one! I can't be the person you want me to be! You don't even want to be married to me anymore!"

... every time. It is always my fault. She can comment with a resentful tone on any one thing but if I ask why she is upset, or said something in that way she LAUNCHES into anger.

She refuses to go to marriage counseling. A counselor refusing counseling.

I am lost as to what to try and get her back to the person she was, and so vehemently denies she was... or at least change myself in unison to her.

I simply can't metastasize from a loving husband to a no-strings-attached physical relationship, oblivious to any other man she whimsically decides to have relations with.
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Old 08-08-2009, 01:30 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife suddenly changed, zero affection. People change, but this is insanity.

Your pain comes right through, I feel for you. What do you think you will do? have her caught in the act? end her friendship? move? just curious what you think your next move will be?
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Old 08-08-2009, 03:04 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife suddenly changed, zero affection. People change, but this is insanity.

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Your pain comes right through, I feel for you. What do you think you will do? have her caught in the act? end her friendship? move? just curious what you think your next move will be?
I have never openly caught her. I still hope she hasn't, or won't betray the man she has loved for so long... but my trust is gone.

She truly isn't the same person, night and day.

Honestly, I hope I do catch her--that much easier to just leave.

I do not have anywhere to go. I have no friends here. We moved through, and lived in, two different states for her to complete her degree. My parents divorced within a few months of my leaving the house and moving in with her when I was 20. They both live in separate states, new spouses who I never met before our wedding a year ago...

I am nearly 30, I have spent a decade with ONE person. I feel old, shattered and useless. I was supposed to go back to school this semester as she completed her education.

Cheated... not even in the intrinsic value of the word one might gather from a post on this forum; cheated out of my youth and sanity.

I guess this is the place to grieve. Posts filled with hate or sadness. Hurt people--hurting posts rife with the confused ramblings of the recently betrayed.

... I realize now why the societal trend is to dabble but never settle. Wall those feelings off, permanently scar the emotional repertoire.

Society is encouraging such physiologically-focused relationships. Our bodies were built that way anyway, right?

--maybe my wife is just following the standard.
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Old 08-08-2009, 03:11 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife suddenly changed, zero affection. People change, but this is insanity.

You've had morals enough to stand by her his long and sacrafice for her education. Listen, lift your head up and don't let the moral decay of society decide for you what she ought to do with her body, you your's or anyone else's. Don't sit around and allow this, it will get worse and she will disrespect you even further. Is she home? send her a text, go get her, call her, go knock on the door if you can. Put and end to this now. Look at what you've sacraficed! man you deserve better! (at least from what I know here) Get it!
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Old 08-08-2009, 03:14 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife suddenly changed, zero affection. People change, but this is insanity.

You're not even 30 yet man! you're a little kid to a 60 year old!!
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Old 08-08-2009, 03:39 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife suddenly changed, zero affection. People change, but this is insanity.

I have yelled, threatened divorce... to walk out and never so much as lift a finger in recognition if I ever see her again.

Threats mean nothing. Anger is met with tears but no promises!

"You hurt me, stop this, NOW!", I've said. (hollered? begged? cried? ...more than a few times)

"I will watch the anger, but you need to think about the feelings of someone else, the one who loves you, before you late-night binge drink again. Don't you even consider how that is affecting me?" ... nod... nod.

--and no change. The next day after an argument she will seem "better", mood-wise. Still no affection--like I would burn her with a touch; spread infection by caressing her....

...then a few days later she is "hanging out with friends" again until 2-3am, or lately a text "Im too drunk, staying here for tonight be there early morning" with various slurring of type.

Foot-down, man-up and put a stop to the bull DOES NOT WORK. At this point, if I were to walk out I might get a text asking what I did and did not want to keep...

Again, how the hell does a woman change like this... over the course of a few days. It had to have been the medication.
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Old 08-08-2009, 04:04 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife suddenly changed, zero affection. People change, but this is insanity.

Could be the meds, could be an inflated ego due to job, could be trying to make up for lost youth, now being a counselor makes it even more ridiculous. You said counseling as in marriage/family? that's even worse. Presumably she's schooled in the ramifications of this right? could be that she out and out used you to get degreed at all costs. I don't believe that she changed so much over just a few days. Ask her to bring the bass guitar home and show you what she's learned. She needs a nice DWI after that degree i'm afraid to get her head out of her ass. I feel so bad for you.
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Old 08-08-2009, 04:52 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife suddenly changed, zero affection. People change, but this is insanity.

She just accomplished a major goal in life... graduating. Let her party... she will come back to earth soon enough.
The last thing you want to do now is try to put limits on her just as she has all this new found power in possible new jobs.. which equal increased money.
When I graduated I was like wooo-hoo and partied for a week or two.... was so nice to not have to study for tests, take tests, be up at 5am, etc etc...
let her enjoy it.
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Old 08-08-2009, 05:01 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife suddenly changed, zero affection. People change, but this is insanity.

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Originally Posted by JTBrilliance View Post
Several long discussions.

She cries for the hour that we talk; all of them the same.
I want to work on it... she nods.
Do you still love me? she nods.
Why are you so angry and have mood swings? --"YOU are the angry one! I can't be the person you want me to be! You don't even want to be married to me anymore!"

... every time. It is always my fault. She can comment with a resentful tone on any one thing but if I ask why she is upset, or said something in that way she LAUNCHES into anger.

She refuses to go to marriage counseling. A counselor refusing counseling.

I am lost as to what to try and get her back to the person she was, and so vehemently denies she was... or at least change myself in unison to her.

I simply can't metastasize from a loving husband to a no-strings-attached physical relationship, oblivious to any other man she whimsically decides to have relations with.
I think based on these, she is somehow hurt and saddened
but I would think there's strong emotional bond. Try to dissolve
any ego issues if there are such. For example I've been working too much with reason and logic, and it doesn't bring results. It's
rarely that I truly confess my fears, wantings etc. to my
wife but when it happens, there's mutual understanding. You
might try that. It takes you from a comfortable position of
defense to a vulnerable area, but I think it's worth the risk.

Take the approach that you're somebody
who's trying to help or understand a complete stranger;
during the workout you might figure out what's really behind
the behaviour.

I think you two are not in dead-end, but need constant work with it.

Best wishes mate!
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Old 08-08-2009, 06:04 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife suddenly changed, zero affection. People change, but this is insanity.

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She just accomplished a major goal in life... graduating. Let her party... she will come back to earth soon enough.
The last thing you want to do now is try to put limits on her just as she has all this new found power in possible new jobs.. which equal increased money.
When I graduated I was like wooo-hoo and partied for a week or two.... was so nice to not have to study for tests, take tests, be up at 5am, etc etc...
let her enjoy it.
This has been three months, not a few weeks. At a few weeks in I had yet to be worried.

One thing I forgot to mention, that makes me feel taken advantage of:
She has been looking for a job since roughly two months before she finished her thesis; so, five months she has been looking for a job.

Stopped helping with rent, utilities--I have always paid for dinner, movies, extra, etc... I never minded, she covered her half until early first quarter this year, when school became even more stressful; I had no problem covering at the time.

Her excuse of course is that it is a tough economy, yet every single one of her graduating friends has found a job... she is the ONLY one of her entire graduating class (very particular school and degree). I don't even know if she is still applying...

...the small amount of money she makes being on call for a hospital, or covering shifts once a week, or recently every other week, goes towards her going out with "friends" (who I don't know) often, and the tattoos she has been getting.

She has paid me "what she could" twice this past year...

There is no defending what she is doing. Her personality, love, even FRIENDS she keeps have contorted into something... other.

It is not her who still lives with me, it is someone completely different and indifferent to my worries, cares... dreams.
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Old 08-08-2009, 06:17 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife suddenly changed, zero affection. People change, but this is insanity.

Last night she didn't even come home, she was "too drunk" and stayed at who knows' house...

I confronted her when I got home from work today, she was just waking up from napping on the couch:

**I told her if she ever went out drinking, couldn't control herself and ended up staying at someone's place AGAIN (this is the second time, she said she wouldn't do it again) who I don't even know, not seeing her until I came home from work the next day--I would get my things and walk out the door, NEVER speaking with her again.**

I did not let her argue. I simply confirmed she understood...

"ok", nodding, holding back tears.

I said that was the end of the conversation. I got up and went to go change out of work clothes.

It took thirty seconds to say.

Half way undressed in the bedroom I hear her say "I am going for a walk!", angrily.

We haven't spoken since... she just chills on the couch messing around on FaceBook.

... I couldn't stand it any longer, it felt so condescending yet what else was I supposed to do?
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Old 08-08-2009, 10:53 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife suddenly changed, zero affection. People change, but this is insanity.

JT,

You said: "It is not her who still lives with me, it is someone completely different and indifferent to my worries, cares... dreams. "

I say this very carefully to you, it is her that lives with you and has always been her that lives with you. Her behaviors have changed as a result of her new life. You aren't as needed as you once were. Now she's blatantly using and abusing you. She will buck your command and is probably hoping you move out. Start making plans for the better of yourself. She already has lost all respect for you and probably attraction. You have to bail if you hope to reconcile in the future. To stay and allow this is to continue is to look smaller and smaller in her eyes. Right now she has about 10% respect for you, the next few party nights those percentages will dwindle even smaller night by night until there is nothing left. Prepare yourself to move on and meet someone else, it's all you have left unless she pulls a 360.

Martino
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Old 08-08-2009, 11:04 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife suddenly changed, zero affection. People change, but this is insanity.

Can you discuss her behavior with her shrink? I know he can't discuss her case with you unless she allows it, but he can listen. I think he needs to know that she's drinking a lot and mixing her meds with booze. He may consider changing her medication or asking her to go into treatment. But I would start there. She's not going to do this on her own because she really doesn't seem in touch with herself at the moment.
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