dazed&confused

I've been married 18 years and still haven't figured out how to handle rejection.

Recently things escalated to a point and I've fallen into a depressive state that I can't seem to overcome.

This has been building as my wife has not been keeping up with the house even though she's off for the summer. She spends a lot of her time watching TV and hanging out with friends and my nights and weekends are filled with chores with no rest after work.

We have three kids who range in age between 7 through 16 who have no discipline to help around the house, of course she blames me.

Recently when things escalated I told my wife how frustrated I was with the house and she blamed me for not helping. I asked how much time does she spend in front of the TV and she couldn't answer while my answer was zero.

So the above is just one factor in our relationship that makes life difficult for me but what really hurts is the rejection.

If I approach her for a hug she pulls away. She never reaches out to me. In the past we would go for months without sex and it drove me insane to the point where we finally had to comprimise on when we would have sex.

This was great at first but like anything that has a schedule it took out the romance..

We worked out a deal so that she has her night and I have mine, but on both nights she gets a full body massage. With her night she is always satisfied but recently she would start bringing up issues on my night, right in the middle (after her massage).

After about 2 weeks of not approaching her she finally came around. It was great but as we started to get back into the swing of things she started in again with issues.

Tonight was one of those nights and while she may feel justified due to the circumstances, she knew I was having a difficult time dealing with the rejection but decided not to comfort me.

So I'm sleeping on the couch again with this empty feeling down deep in my stomach. I can't sleep beside her as I want her but know she doesn't want me.

I need help in dealing with rejection as while I'm laying there the feeling is so great that I can't deal with it. I tried to go back and just hold her and she says "What do you want". What does she think I want? Doesn't she see I'm not feeling good? She just lays there and doesn't comfort me. I feel she isn't there for me at all. If she was hurt or needed me I would do whatever it takes to make her feel better but when I need her there's nothing.

I've ruled out divorse as I couldn't do this to my kids and extended family so my goal is to find out how to deal with the rejection... like I should have figured this out by now.

Okay.. so there's some history.. perhaps not the whole story or you may not even get this far. The bottom line is how do you handle rejection?

preso

Just move on. Look at it like this.....
rejection is a part of everyones life in some form. You learn from it what you can and move on.

Rhea

I disagree, you can't just "move on" from being rejected by your spouse.

Not to mention the fact that um I dunno...your spouse isn't supposed to reject you on a constant basis IE: everyday all the time? She pulls away when you hug her? Wow.

Rejection is part of life you're right on that one. But that rejection shouldn't come from the "death do you part, good times and bad" part of your life...JMO

__________________
"Cause I'll be there, in the back of your mind, from the day we met to the very last night, and it's just too bad, you've already had the best days, the best days of your life..."

sisters359

Try this: Make an agreement that as long as one of you is working around the house/yard, the other one is, too. No one sits down to relax until both of you can sit to relax. Then, sit and relax together.

I do not know the answer to your question about rejection. All I know is that having sex when you don't desire it is a very bad idea; leads to all sorts of resentment, indifference, and eventually, feelings of revulsion toward your spouse, esp. if he rejects every effort you make to make the experience more enjoyable. Maybe start with more affection yourself, subtle and gentle (a touch here, a pat there) as much as you can throughout the evening. Also, try to ENJOY her summer freedom for her--I guess she's a teacher and you may not appreciate how valuable our summers are to us!! I need every moment to recharge for the coming year; kids are amazing but so, so, so draining!

Make some special moments in the evenings-surprise her with a margarita or something you can both enjoy (make one big one to share). Don't go for sex right away either, give it some time--a couple of weeks, and seriously try to ENJOY being with her without the sex. She will appreciate it if you say things like, "this is fun, sharing this drink with you" or whatever that connects togetherness with something other than sex.

When you judge the time is right, start making some of the affection a bit more sexual, like instead of patting her arm, pat her fanny and maybe give it a little rub. Very subtle changes at first. When you think the time is finally right, approach her from behind while she's doing a chore, each around and hug her, and whisper, "I want you when you are ready." Then keep up the affectionate stuff as though that never happened.

I have no idea if this will work; I just wish my husband had tried it with me.

preso

If you don't move on... what are you supposed to do? dwell, cry and plead? When it's over its over.
You HAVE TO MOVE ON and you have to do so with dignity so you maintain your self esteem. If not.... your setting yourself up for major emotional problems that could last a lifetime.

Loving Husband

Got to find a way to work through what the real issues are. Women seem to have so many that its very difficult to find out which one is doing it. . Are you seeing anybody?? It might help to find the underlaying problem..

preso

Often its not an issue you can work on, its a matter of personality and lifestyle prefences, things you can do nothing about.... and have to face the fact your incompaitible and you MUST move on... alone, without that person as you are not compatible for any number of reasons.

Loving Husband

Your right some issues can't be like abuse or infidelity. If a person choose to be a drunk and not work together without some compromise yes. That is a person who left the relationship but if both want to work together most issues I feel can be resolved if done the right way..

preso

There are many more things.. like basic incompatibilty, immaturity, addictions, problems with children and step children, inlaws, debt, and many more things.
Sometimes even if both people want to work on it, there is no answer. Some people are just not compatible and neither are their lifestyles and life preferences.

Also to point out, some men and women are not husband or wife material in any way....

betrayedbyaranger

Rejection is what my husband does to try to control me. What he gets out of it I don't know, but it drives me nuts and we end up fighting more. I never know what is going to set him off and he will just shut down emotionally with that deer in the head light look. He wants me, he doesn't, I never know from one day to the next. He used to be an army ranger and has recently become obessessed in the past year with ranger stuff. He puts it before his children, me, EVERYTHING. He acts like a spoiled child who stonewalls and mistreats others when he does not get his way.

betrayedbyaranger

What can a person do when emotionally rejected by their spouse? I get the fight or flight syndrome.

dazed&confused

Thanks everyone, I didn't realize this discussion continued and reading through this helps. It's also good to see both sides of the coin.

Well, I'm still in limbo land but I'm getting help from a counselor. This last secession he really struck a nerve. I've never been able to build a lasting friendship and every time I do my wife has torn it apart. I can't even go across the street and talk to a neighbor without her reeling me back in. At times it's down right embarrassing. BTW.. She still keeps in touch with her high school, collage and recently she has a new group of friends through scrap booking.

Before we married we lived in different cities for two years. This gave me time to find friends, one of which I was pretty close too. We spent a lot of time out on the lake and did a lot of water skiing; I fell in love with the sport and got pretty good at slalom. My friend stood in my wedding but once we married she moved up to where I was and tore that friendship apart. I had to make a decision, my friend or my wife and I chose my wife. Some time later I found out he got married. Even though we still talked on the occasion I was pretty hurt to find I wasn't invited to the wedding. I'm sure it was to prevent an issue with my wife so I guess I can't blame him.

When the councilor brought up friendship I just had this blank stair. It's not like I haven't thought about this it just hurts too much to think about. When I was in second grade I was put back to first and my buddy down the street went on. After a few years he decided it was embarrassing to hang out with someone in a grade below him and through pressure from his friends he told me to move on. This guy was like my brother and I felt disowned by him. Perhaps this is when the problems started. After 25 to 30 years I ran into him about a year ago at a restaurant. My looks haven't changed so he recognized me. It was somewhat of an emotional experience for me and he wanted to have lunch sometime. I contacted him a few times but there was always something going on so I finally gave up. I have come to the conclusion that I will never have a friend. Don't get me wrong I talk to others but find myself just being the helpful neighbor as I’m not approached unless someone needs something and I'm more then happy to help because I get to spend time with someone else and also do things I like.

So tonight I feel like watching Sleepless in Seattle... Is it stupid for a 43 year old man to imagine what my life could have been like? Sure, it's just a movie, but I believe that someone could love someone so much and feel the way Tom felt when he answered the question "What was so special about your wife" Answer: "It was a thousand little things". Perhaps those weren't the exact words, but I think it's close. I feel guilty or less of a man because I don't feel this way about my wife.

Perhaps if I was a better man I could make this relationship work. I want to believe it's my fault, if so, then at least I could do something about it.

Tonight I was looking forward to spending time with her but she came up with an excuse. The last two times she just wanted to get it over with. I talked to her about this and one thing led to another. She complained about me not staying in the room after sex. This is true but only when she just wants to get it over with. I try to be compassionate but when the feeling isn’t mutual then I stay up until I pass out as I don’t feel my day is complete.

I have only felt her true compassion once in the last 6 months and when I mentioned this to her she didn’t disagree so I know I’m not just hallucinating. That one night of compassion we feel asleep in each others arms.. the way it should be.

Well I could keep typing and feeling sorry for myself or I could try and get some sleep so I can get up tomorrow morning and as the movie goes breath in and out and put one foot in front of the other. I know this was long so if you get through this then please keep me in your prayers as I will do for others who feel rejected and cry out for love and compassion in their own life. At least we are not alone.

Yours truly, Dazed and Confused.