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I hate my step kids

8K views 68 replies 13 participants last post by  mrsmariemac 
#1 · (Edited)
I have been married to my husband for 22 1/2 year. Before everyone jumps all over me, when my husband and I got married, his kids were not really a part of our life. His ex has full custody and she did everything possible to prevent him from seeing them or having anything to do with them (4 girls). We tried for 2 years to fight for his visitation to the point of bankruptcy but to no avail. So we moved on with our lives. And we had a good life. Then his ex moved back into the state and brought back 4 messed up kids who were angry, disrespectful and did everything they could to let him know they hated me and didn't want us together. Now they are all adults and I literally hate them. I don't want anything to do with them and last October my husband and I actually got to the point where we were ending our marriage and in December I filed for divorce. After the new year my husband convinced me that he truly loved me and wanted us to stay together, that we were much better together than apart and that we had come to far and gone through too much to throw it all away. I agree to give it another chance, but I would not stay in a marriage that included his children in it. I wanted no part of a life with them. They are mean, ugly (and I don't mean their looks) nasty, disrespectful, snotty, trashy, unclassy people, and I don't want that kind of people in my life. He is torn but I told him I loved him and I would understand if he wanted to choose them, and I wouldn't have any hard feelings. The problem is that I cannot get over all that has happened over the last 25 years and I will not be made to feel guilty about it. My husbands mother and his sisters all feel that is a package deal (I HATE THAT TERM!!!). No it is not. I know that life is not black and white and nothing is that simple. Sometimes things need to be worked out for the best interest of the people involved. We love each other and make each other incredibly happy when we are together. He is my soulmate and my best friend. Our children are grown and don't cause anywhere near this kind of drama between us. I have read a lot of other people's stories online about the same thing and just need to vent. Filing for divorce and feeling that I would be spending the rest of my life without this man that I love so much was heartbreaking. But I was willing to go through it all just to end all this drama and have some peace in my life. I need to have a peaceful life now, I am starting to have medical issues (high blood pressure, stress,migraines) and it is all because of these people and the hell that they cause). I know people will say I am being selfish, and maybe to a degree I am, but there are people all the time that have to choose who they will allow in their lives, and who they will not. My husbands ex filled these kids heads with all kinds of BS about him, me and our kids, and they have never been able to love him, or have a real relationship with us. They used to come over and tell him they were there to spend time with his wallet. It was all just so crazy. His guilt over the divorce never let him discipline them, and they ran all over him. I don't want to end our marriage, but I wont live like this anymore. This post may be all over the place, but it's hard to type this through all the tears. Thanks for the support.
 
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#2 ·
If they have come right out and stated they could care less about him (Spending time with his wallet) why does he want to have anything to do with them?
 
#3 ·
His ex did everything possible to make your H appear to be nothing more than a sperm donor. The house you live in is also YOUR house and if there are certain visitors that you don't want in YOUR house, your H should respect that.

If he feels this need to reconnect with children who see him as a "wallet" and nothing more, then perhaps this one-sided relationship should occur outside YOUR home so you are free to nurse yourself to health, or a healthy balance at the very least.
 
#6 ·
If he feels this need to reconnect with children who see him as a "wallet" and nothing more, then perhaps this one-sided relationship should occur outside YOUR home so you are free to nurse yourself to health, or a healthy balance at the very least.
The problem with this is that they want to make sure that they throw it in my face that they are with him and they want more and more of his time and I get less and less. They will call and text and call and text until I just get so angry I just walk out. We went away for a short 3 day vacation and they couldn't leave us alone the whole time we were gone. His phone was going off the whole time. They want there to be turmoil between us so that we are unhappy, that is what makes them happy. When we were separated in the fall and divorcing they were happy. They had dinner parties and stuff every weekend with him. And Christmas day they must have been in their glory, I was miserable and he spent the day with all of them. I was home crying my eyes out and he was gone all day. And it was the worst holiday of my life. I don't think he realizes that they are doing it intentionally but I know it. They say snide remarks to me when we are at family events and they do it when he is not in ear shot. I just don't want to do it anymore. Life is too short to be treated so poorly from such trashy people. And just because I love their father and their mother was the one who filed for divorce and threw him out. She has told them I stole their father and wrecked their family. I am tired of having to justify loving him!
 
#4 ·
I think that he has guilt about the divorce. She is a terrible mother and he was the main caregiver before the divorce, but in our state the mother is the one that gets custody for the most part unless you can show abuse and even then it is very difficult, and she took the kids out and state and moved back home to WV. He was in the Navy then and couldn't just pick up and go after them. Plus there wasn't a lot of money to fight and like I said, after we got together (after she filed for but before the divorce was finalized, it took 2 years) he had to file for bankruptcy because she didn't pay for the things she was ordered to that were in his name like the house or the car and he had to pay a huge sum of child support and still try and support himself and pay his attorney to fight for visitation. It was such a nasty divorce and she made sure to accuse him of everything from domestic abuse which sent him to classes to child abuse and sexual abuse (all of which was DISproven by the child psychologists!) just to get holidays or to make sure he didn't see them on his scheduled days. She is a horrible person who still to this day is ALONE!!! He is a great dad to our kids, so I can see how he wants to be one to these kids too, but you can't make people be good people. I just wish he could admit that he can't make them be good kids just because he is their biological dad. They are her kids too, and she is a bad person and because she raised them they came out just like her.
 
#5 ·
I don't think you are "selfish" to want to preserve your physical health and sanity not anymore than any of the rest of us have that need.

The kids are grown and sounds like they have evil intent for even wanting a relationship with him .Including sounds like delighting in being cruel.(the came to visit your wallet comment is low).I agree with the above poster that suggested if he wants to subject himself to that you should not be expected to and his relationship with them should be outside YOUR HOME and outside your presence at all.

Its really sad the mother brainwashed them but now they are adults that isn't an excuse for them to be permmitted to exact whatever revenge or punishment they believe you and he are due.
 
#7 ·
I just wish he could admit that he can't make them be good kids just because he is their biological dad.
What he needs to admit is that he cant "undo" years and years of brainwashing and conditioning those now adult kids hold as "truth" just by trying to be there for them now.MAYBE if they had willing hearts /open minds with a lot of counseling they might could start to "see" the whole truth.But him being willing to be abused and "punished" probably just feeds into their belief system like hes getting what he "deserves".
 
#9 ·
Wow, your story brings me a few triggers. Your H's ex sounds like how my ex used to be but worse. I could only imagine how much pain and turmoil your husband goes through on a daily basis. He's totally torn and now there's another thing tearing him apart.

I'm sorry but I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon here. I'd say you need to divorce your husband because if he chose you, then he's gone down the path of the dark side and has given up on part of his life because of an ultimatum. How could you respect him as a father (of YOUR children) if he's willing to walk away from his older children. Talk about a catch 22.

I know you hate the "package deal" term but it's true. He came with baggage and if he's a good man, he's not going to drop the baggage because it's "inconvenient". You married a man with strife, not of his own doing except for marrying a psycho when he shouldn't have (my god that sounds familiar LOL). His daughters are EXACTLY the people who need a balanced person in their life. It might not be until their 50, but at some point, that influence does show up in their life.

I know it's not easy on you, trust me, I saw my my wife went through with my ex-wife issues early on. It was truly painful to me knowing that her choosing to be with me brought on so many headaches, but as HER mother aptly put it "Would you give up the love and the man he is in order to get rid of the stress?" Her answer was a resounding no. We tend to loose sight of the larger picture during moments of stress.

Is the removal of the stress and headaches associated with these problem 4 children a greater benefit to you than the marriage you have with your husband. If yes, then tell him you can't handle it anymore, it's not because you don't love him, but that you don't love him enough to deal with them any longer (I know that sounds mean, but it's TRUE). OR if the benefits you get out of this relationship outweigh the negatives, then go for counseling and figure out how to adjust your focus. You're putting so much energy focusing on the negative, that's a choice. Learn to be a duck and let it roll off your back.
 
#12 ·
Sorry to disagree, but I do. This is not his fault, but in life you only get one shot at it, and why don't we get a chance to be happy? And by the way, ever heard of "tough love"? These kids (all 30 years old and above!) are not going to change or go to counseling and don't want anything to do with our "family", they only want to hurt "us". And to put it another way. He choose me 25 years ago to be his wife, not a mother to his children, they have one, who has made this situation totally impossible. I can want a life with my husband and not a life with them in it. And he is a great father to our kids. It's not inconvenient it's impossible. And I didn't give him an ultimatum, I did file for divorce and he is the one who begged for us to stay married because he loves me and wants us to be together. I was willing to walk away, no matter how badly it was breaking my heart! Your situation may work for you, but it doesn't work for everyone. Life is not black and white. Don't judge.
 
#15 ·
Where do you suppose that his kids will learn alternate ways of thinking after all this time? They're doing what they think of as a "normal" thing.

But turning it back onto mom just does MORE damage. It's an attempt to strip them of another important relationship.

This is not an easy problem, but if this couple can understand why it's happening and find ways to encourage the kids to challenge their own beliefs, it *can* succeed.
 
#16 ·
Sadly, my family are a bunch of passive-aggressive martyrs. My mother once told me to be kind to stupid animals. Where she fails with this advice is when it involves someone you love who fails to see they are being manipulated. At this point, I agree with previous poster that boundaries need to be redrawn or else. These children are grown adults. Normal adult relationship boundaries needed to be in place from the beginning. If his children urgently need something or its an emergency, that's one thing, but when their contact is designed to cause harm to YOUR marriage, D will be on your mind unless your H decides what relationship he wants most.
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#17 ·
They are doing what was done to them for so many years. They were rewarded for hating dad and that's how they knew their mom loved them was because of her neediness in this way. This is what has to be unlearned, and it's going to be up to Dad and/or counselors to help them re-learn this way of interacting.
Right how you affirm your love for someone (prove it) is by ridding/hating however you say it who they hate."In order to be loyal to me you have to "reject" this person.Actually "in and of itself" that isn't always wrong.If its for the right reasons.

He somehow needs to get across he has enough love for all of them.Which is maybe what they just don't "get".Like I can love my wife AND ya'll at the same time.
 
#19 ·
When he convinced you to come back, what did he say about his children? That he would cut back time or availability with them? Or did he make no promises there?

The problem is that you can't control what they do. Or his response to them. So that leaves you with two choices and neither of those choices are good.
 
#20 ·
I don't think everyone is getting my point. After 25 years, I am no longer willing to have these people in my life. I have tried, been extremely patient, and have put up with more than my fair share of bulls*#t from them. I have reached my limit. I am done. I filed for divorce after a difficult separation from my husband over these kids and it was him who came to me and begged for us to work it out and stay together. I only agreed if we could be free from all this drama and not have anymore to do with them. I cannot take anymore of this turmoil and BS going on. It is making me physically ill and the stress is not any good for a woman my age, nor my husband. And we should be at a point in our marriage where we have fun in our lives. We should be able to go away for a long weekend and not have to be bothered by annoying calls and texts, we should be able to be loving and sexy with each other in our empty nest home without having uninvited guests stopping by just to bother us. We should be able to spend quiet nights alone just sitting with each other talking, laughing, joking or going out on date nights. We have paid our dues and I want those things with him!!!! And if I cannot have those things because of these kids then I cannot be in this marriage any longer. It is not a healthy relationship. I cannot have migraines day after day after day because of this stress. And obviously my husband doesn't want that either or he wouldn't have begged me to withdraw the divorce and for us to stay together. No one else knows what goes in a marriage but the two who are in it. No one should judge what two people decide to do. I came here to vent and get support. I guess I came to the wrong place.
 
#24 ·
Okay, I wholly support you divorcing your husband because he doesn't seem to want to divorce his daughters.

I understand your frustration and pain. I'm not saying this with any condescension or satire either.

You know your choice and what both choices entail. Husband with kids or no husband and no more toxic daughters.

You may feel like I was judging you, I wasn't. I was trying to help by playing devils advocate and offering other perspectives even if they're not "comfortable" but I was (as was everyone else) trying to help.
 
#25 ·
Ok let me clarify this for anyone not following. My husband has decided to not have HIS children in our lives because of their behavior. It is HIS decision and he knew what he was doing when he made the choice. Their actions and behaviors were part of the decision as well as how it affected us and our lives.

I hope it is much clearer for everyone now.
 
#27 ·
I think we all get your point (maybe more so now), but everybody here is trying to best advise the best they can. Sometimes posters come here and don't reveal all of their story. Other times, once questions are asked of the posters, a solution becomes apparent to some and they post replies.

Vent away, your situation sucks!! In fact, most people here aren't in the best of situations. If you read other forums/threads, you will see that many suggestions are given, but only some may be applicable. It is up to you to filter what applies, what may be worth doing, and what actions you will choose to take. I don't believe there is any ill will here.
 
#28 ·
I am not saying there is. I feel that too many times in life, other judge and feel that their way is the right way, the best way. I just lost a friend during this time because I WOULDN'T go through with the divorce. I thought she was my friend and when my husband and I got back together she was angry and upset with me. I couldn't understand why she would want my marriage to break up and it was so sad that she would want to see my 22+ year marriage break up instead of us finding our way back to each other. It was unbelieveable. So I am sorry if I am a little short on patience here. I have had a bad experience with advice.
 
#31 ·
It saddens me that these grown people (his kids) cannot escape their childhood mindset. By the time you hit your 30's, you can see what the world is about, you know right from wrong, good from bad. There is a good chance that they will never "grow up", even though they ARE grown up. Maybe by cutting them out, your husband will help them see things more clearly and they can stop acting like rotten, petulant children, and have a real relationship with him.
 
#34 ·
Totally agree..not to say I have "no sympathy"..but I was in my 20's when I realized not only was my step dad not evil...but for whatever reason my mother wanted us children to think that.And the it was HER not him that wanted us to believe we had no father.Then later in my 30's that I forgave her for it and that was without her admitting she even did what she did .(total denial).She describes their marriage as "they got in a few arguments" and we the children were just spoiled rotten and had everything in life.
 
#33 ·
I hope I have made my point that I am deeply madly crazy in love with my husband. We have had some difficult times in 25 years, 22 years married. We have had ups and downs and been through good times and bad. This last year was the first time in all those years that we have ever come to a place where we have considered ending our marriage. Even then, we were both still telling each other how much we loved each other. I was devastated at the thought of life without him. When I filed I never saw him so hurt as I did then. We were both hurting so badly. It was the lowest part of our marriage ever. I think it was a wake up call for both of us. What is really important to us! And we both agree it was our marriage. We want to be with each other. I know marriage is tough, we work on it all the time. I want to show my husband every day that I love and cherish him. And he does for me as well. It is a second marriage for both of us. I appreciate the site here to help with any help and advice offered. I read as much as I can about keeping my marriage strong. We take a lot of time and effort to make sure we have a strong marriage and especially now to make sure we repair what damage we may have done and make sure we both know we are each other's first priorities and so this site is another tool for me. Thanks again.
 
#36 ·
[QUOTE I know marriage is tough, we work on it all the time. ][/QUOTE]

Yeah it is.Thats why it makes sense to "guard" it from people who are hell bent on doing what they can to sabotage it deliberately just for the sake of seeing it destroyed for their own personal gratification.
 
#45 ·
Why does he keep trying?

What did he say he would do about this situation when he begged you not to divorce?
I think he thought he could change them somehow, I don't know.

He said he would not have anything more to do with them. That they were being so toxic to our life that we couldn't do it anymore, and that "WE" were what was important and that he didn't want to lose me.
 
#40 ·
Sorry. Like I said, it was tough getting it all out and straight through all the tears. It has been a tough 6 months.

I did not put him in a position to have to choose. I was painfully walking away. He came to me and wanted this choice on his own. This is his choice. I was making the choice to end the marriage to save my own sanity and this is what he wants. I filed for divorce. Even though it was breaking my heart more than I can ever put into words, I was doing just that. How can you tell the man you love more than anything when he is standing before you, begging you, telling you that he wants to stay together, that "no that is not what you want", I love him and we have a great marriage, except that one piece. So this is where we have to make our stand.

I know it is not for everyone, but it is where we are for the sake of us. I know not everyone can understand. I don't understand how these adult women can't see that their mother has lied to them for all these years about why their marriage ended, why their father left their home, how we met, why he was allowed to see them, lies about him not paying child support, etc. Why they won't see how happy their father has been in our marriage. But for some reason, their brainwashing goes so deep that it cannot be undone with some serious counseling which they are unwilling to do. They like to play the victims, they like to play the blame game. I don't blame them for what happened during the divorce when they were just children, but as for what happened since they have become adults, yes those are actions I DO blame them for. I do blame their mother for messing with their heads for so long and for her own gain, to make them love her and hate him (she did a great job there) now they can't or won't see the truth. They will never truly have a loving relationship with their father, because it will always be them wanting him to make up for their lost childhoods. He can't make up for something he didn't do.
 
#41 ·
I haven't read the other responses. I'm not judging. I can imagine how difficult this must be for you. I understand your wanting and needing a peaceful, healthy home life and how you would resent chilldren who bring chaos, disrespect, etc. No matter how ill behaved his children are or what poison they have been fed about you and their father do you think your husband truly loves them any less. Would you love your children any less....not try to rectify and rebuild a relationship regardless of the damage the other parent did?

Can you at all empathize with the pain his children experienced growing up without a father, believing they were not loved or wanted by him, having a mother who must be a complete wretch and how this has contributed to them becoming what the are? Could focusing more on this soften you toward them a bit? This mess is not his childrens fault. They are victims along with your husband.

You say he is your soulmate and you love him dearly yet your asking him to cut off his children. Although I can understand the inclination to do so I just can't rectify that ultimatum in my head. Would you continue to respect him if he does? I don't think I would.

Would you consider letting him work on a relationship with them apart from you, keep you separate until or if he is able to make some headway with them. Its not going to be easy, won't happen overnight and will take much patience and work on his part but could you support him in that?
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#42 ·
Again, I did not make him make this choice. I filed for divorce- he begged me to stay.
Second. I have tried over the years to work with these kids, and I do sympathize with what they have gone through. If they were young adults, or teenagers I would agree with most of you about trying to work it out. These are 30+ year old women and should know better by now. They are not kids, not teenagers, not even young adults. These are ADULT women who have been out in the world on their own long enough to know better than to think this behavior is anything but acceptable.
He has tried for years to work on a relationship with them and it NEVER works out. Believe me we have tried for 25 years!
 
#50 ·
Wow... I also missed their ages.

I understand what that hard choice may be like. I'm going through something similar this week, though not as intensely. My s/daughter moved out in Nov to her mom's - a woman who literally never bothered to make a phone call to this child in 11 years - and now she's having to work unbelievable hours and pay her mom's bills! My husband has asked her to move back a number of times, but she's about to turn 18, and she has the freedom to get high and drunk at her mom's, which would never be allowed here.

She's now saying she moved because she doesn't like me and that he "chose" me over her - which is pretty far from the truth but it is the way she justifies things she has done lately.

The reason she doesn't like me? Because I talk to her like a counselor. The way I talk to her is pretty much the way I talk to my friends, acquaintances, and even on here, but if I ask "How was school today?" I'm offending her now, apparently.

She's going to be here in a few minutes because her dad asked her to come talk to him this afternoon. He's planning to ask her to move back so she can focus on school her last year. I'm sure she'll say no, but during her last visit, she basically said she has always disliked me, and she waited until her dad was gone to lay into me and attack. When he asked me what I would do if she moved back, I said I will move to one of my other houses until she's out on her own.

As much as I love my marriage, I am not about to volunteer to be treated badly.
 
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