We have different communication styles
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Old 08-10-2009, 11:53 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Question We have different communication styles

Hello everyone,

I'm not sure what is the best way for my husband and I to communicate.

We have a lot of serious issues going on in our marriage right now, so we often have to have serious discussions.

However, I communicate best in writing--preferably online through IM--and he communicates best in person.

I absolutely HATE talking about serious things in person. For some reason, I can't seem to think clearly and forget things and many things go unresolved when I talk in person. It's very hard for me to talk in general, so writing is much easier for me. I've even tried writing him letters and having him read them and then discussing afterward. It really doesn't matter what I do--I can know exactly what I want to say and how I'm going to say it, but then he says something, and I can't think about it clearly or thoroughly until AFTER the conversation and then we just have to have ANOTHER conversation later when he thought we were done with it.

And it doesn't help that my husband HATES talking about serious things in writing--especially IM and text messages. He communicates better in person because he thinks there are less misunderstandings (which I agree with).

I just don't know what to do. I don't think it's fair for him to tell me I have to communicate in person, and I don't think it's fair for me to tell him he has to communicate in writing.

Do you have any ideas of how we can communicate with each other?
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Old 08-10-2009, 12:27 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: We have different communication styles

Trying to resolve issues through IM is not a good way to communicate. Never...you cannot display emotion through writing or IM...

Sorry, I think the best way to work through issues and resolve conflict is by sitting down face-to-face and talking things out...

You're going to have to bend a little on this one...

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Old 08-10-2009, 12:38 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: We have different communication styles

Quote:
Originally Posted by california123 View Post
Hello everyone,

I'm not sure what is the best way for my husband and I to communicate.

We have a lot of serious issues going on in our marriage right now, so we often have to have serious discussions.

However, I communicate best in writing--preferably online through IM--and he communicates best in person.

I absolutely HATE talking about serious things in person. For some reason, I can't seem to think clearly and forget things and many things go unresolved when I talk in person. It's very hard for me to talk in general, so writing is much easier for me. I've even tried writing him letters and having him read them and then discussing afterward. It really doesn't matter what I do--I can know exactly what I want to say and how I'm going to say it, but then he says something, and I can't think about it clearly or thoroughly until AFTER the conversation and then we just have to have ANOTHER conversation later when he thought we were done with it.

And it doesn't help that my husband HATES talking about serious things in writing--especially IM and text messages. He communicates better in person because he thinks there are less misunderstandings (which I agree with).

I just don't know what to do. I don't think it's fair for him to tell me I have to communicate in person, and I don't think it's fair for me to tell him he has to communicate in writing.

Do you have any ideas of how we can communicate with each other?
When your in a relationship and married you can't always do whats easy, writing your concerns is not a good way to go as talking and interaction is the best way, like it or not.
In that he doesn't want to talk, I'd say your problem isn't communication but something else, perhaps resentment or anger problems as most people who are married can carry on a conversation about a problem.
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Old 08-10-2009, 10:02 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: We have different communication styles

I tend to like communication via writing, too. but it started causing a lot of problems due to misunderstandings. sometimes i still do write to him, but i do it less often.

i still am not even sure what my H's communication style is. lol. he is a lot like you, he has a hard time formulating his thoughts when we talk. sometimes we sit for awhile and just say nothing and ive learned that he is thinking. i give him as much time to think as he needs. so maybe your H needs to be more patient with you.

Just give it some time. it takes a long time to learn about yourself and then try to incorporate someone else into the picture.

my H and i have tried so many things- and it was unbelievably frustrating for a long time. sometimes we write. if we get in a bad fight at night he'll write me when he gets to work in the morning. but i try not to use it as discussion. Just to share feelings in a non-confrontational way.

its just going to be hard for a little while, but hang in there. you'll have to come out of your comfort zone and talk and maybe your H needs to learn to be more patient with you and not jump down your throat (i only say that because that is what i did to my H, which caused him to be very nervous and clam up). You can also write and your H may need to compromise and write to you sometimes. but try to only use that as a place to share ones feelings, and not discussion. keep it brief.
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Old 08-11-2009, 05:03 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: We have different communication styles

Most communication is non verbal... eye contact, body position, tone of voice....
maybe things to work on so your more comfortable in projecting
what it is you want to say.
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Old 08-11-2009, 08:30 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: We have different communication styles

Why not do both? When you alone thinking about whatever problems you need to talk about, pull our a pen and some paper and write it down like you were writing him a letter. Then, when he wants to discuss it, pull out your letter and read it to him. That way you wont forget any of the important bits



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