General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
In 9 days, I will have been married to my wife for 18 years. A lot has transpired in that time, kids, college, deaths, work, etc. In the past few years my wife has grown increasingly more distant from me. After the birth of our first child, who is now 17...EEEK, she became more of a mother and less of a wife. The trend only continued with the subsequent births of additional children. I am now 40 and feel more alone than I ever have in my life. I am "busy with business" and have hobbies in my life, but I have absolutely no connection with my wife. She is currently facebooking or cell phoning all day, and apparently hasn't much time for me. We have little sex, perhaps 6 or so times per month and enjoy no activities together. I have tried to connect with her but attempts are typically disasterous. I would like to try to cement some sort of bond between us before our marriage completely disolves, but I don't know how to do this. She is currently going to a counselor, and per her request I met with him as well. He wasn't really that interested in me. I am not saying I don't have problems, I am saying that for the most part I am a well adapted and healthy adult. He agreed. I enjoyed the hour I spent with him however, I felt talking with someone was very cathartic. I would like for my relationship to be better with my wife. I would like to have a better relationship with God as well. I just don't know how to do the first, and that inability is getting in the way with the second, which is causing a lot of turmoil in my life. Even though I have darkly toyed with the option, I could never actually pull the trigger on a divorce. My wife knows this, and I think it allows her a false security in maintaining this broken relationship, or perhaps her overall actions are just an indication of how little she actually cares for our union/me. On paper I am a good looking, educated, quasi successful professional i.e. low 6 figures. With what she brings to the table, she would have a hard/impossible time trading up, so I can't understand her lack of motivation to "fix" this. From my vantage she seems to be going through some sort of midlife crisis. I think the prospect of turning 40 bothers her greatly. Maybe she is looking back on her life and wishing she accomplished more. Who is to say, like I said she really doesn't say a whole lot to me. Anyway, how do you find some "kindle" to start the fires of love again? What do you begin with? I tried a week of the "Love Dare" book and it was a friggin train wreck. I've tried talking to her. Doesn't work. I've tried pleading. Doesn't work. I've tried ultimatums. Really pisses her off and doesn't work. I guess I'd have to follow through. Currently, I am just trying to reassure her that I love her, but there are only so many times one can say "Good night, I love you" and not hear anything back. She is obviously bitter, and I know she doesn't like where we live, city wise. Our house is nice, but it's not enough. It never seems to be with her. She won't consider even begining school to finish her masters degree. She's "not ready". I already work long days in our clinic, and I have nothing more to give from a work standpoint. I feel if we had goals as a couple we could accomplish a lot, but it would take work on both of our parts and she won't go there. I am miserable, and I feel alone. An affair is not an option, as I value honor over happiness. Am I missing something? I am tired of reading marriage books. Am I wrong, is divorce really the solution? Help.
Is your wife also clueless about what is wrong with the marriage? It sounds pretty typical of a long term marriage. I also have changed into a mother immediately after giving birth. It is still my primary role in my life to be a mother. Since my hubby has refused the duties of raising our kids, I have to consume most of my time to the kids. I admit I have built up a lot of resentment and I can't seem to unwind and pretend like I am a dutiful wife. Have you tried to just ask your wife what she needs from you? It just sounds like you are in a little rut. It also sounds like the stage before an affair which leads to a divorce. So be careful. Good luck.
Is she interested in making things better in your opinion? It doesn't sound like it from your post.
I am currently separated from my H. We've been married for 24 years. He is a great guy. We are both good people. I was depressed for several years. He is a happy go lucky guy and very active (road racing). We were also very active with your kids throughout their lives (now 15 and 20). You lose pieces of your marriage along the way, if you aren't careful. We did.
He doesn't like conflict and I see him as emotionally shallow, so uttering the words "I am no longer in love with you" was difficult for him. This happened in Oct. 08 when the stock market fell (he's a financial advisor). It was enough momentum to say these words. His attitude turned from positive to negative in days. A few months later he was uttering the word "divorce" in our marriage counseling sessions.
I have thankfully worked through my depression. It's such a selfish disease. However, I feel like I showed up the the game too late and the buzzer sounded. Now what.
I don't want a divorce and have done everything in my power to stop it. I suggested a separation and he agreed. We are now separated for almost one month.
My goal for separation is reconciliation and not divorce. A better marriage for us, if it works out. I can't force his decision though. He needs to work this out, on his own, and see what he can sort out.
I tell you my story in that perhaps separation would "shake up" your marriage. Separate not as a step toward divorce but a step toward reconciliation. It seems that you have tried everything as well. There are some good books out there that I would recommend. Both are Christian authors.
Dr. Dobsons's When Love Must be Tough
Gary Chapman Hope for the Separated
I'm surprised that the therapist isn't interested in seeing you both at the same time so she can be confronted with her inability to make changes in her life.
She sounds depressed, quite honestly.
If she's bitter, do you know why? Were you not there when she needed you earlier in the marriage?
I'm surprised that the therapist isn't interested in seeing you both at the same time so she can be confronted with her inability to make changes in her life.
She sounds depressed, quite honestly.
If she's bitter, do you know why? Were you not there when she needed you earlier in the marriage?
Actually, her therapist did say that he would like to meet with us a couple. He mentioned though that he would like to see her again before he did. I was quite agreeable to this, as I would really like to restore some quality back into our marriage. I want to see her commit more to our relationship. So far in her life she has largely depended on other people for everything. First her parents and now me. I would like to see her develop as a human being both emotionally and spiritually. I would also like to see her expend some energy "courting me". I have given a lot, and at this point it is hard for me to tell if I really matter to her, or if I am just a friggin pay check. She says she is done "supporting me as a wife." She just doesn't "do that anymore." I have tried to explain to her that going to war with your husband is a whole lot like cutting your nose off to spite your face. Creating distance between us only leads to a less satisfying relationship for us both. I know I haven't been the most attentive husband, but from my point of view, I have been neglected need wise for the duration of our marriage. Once she got pregnant with our first, it was if I was "bought and paid for." I won't consider separation. Maybe it is ignorance on my part, but if I leave, I will leave. I would hate for it to come to that though, but the prospect is looking better every day. It may not be healthy to expect another person to bring you happiness, but I think it is a fair expectation that they also should not create a lot of misery for you either.
Check out the books that I've recommended...they are an easy read.
Is she depressed? Maybe an identity crisis? I was a stay at home mom for 15 years and understand how you can neglect yourself for the needs of others. It's almost a hyperfocusing on parenting. Breaks down the person and the marriage as well.
With this marital crisis and separation it has shaken me up. I am hoping it's shaking my H around.
You mentioned about not being able to pull the plug with a divorce (previous post). However, now you say "if I leave, I will leave?" What do you mean?
Check out the books that I've recommended...they are an easy read.
Is she depressed? Maybe an identity crisis? I was a stay at home mom for 15 years and understand how you can neglect yourself for the needs of others. It's almost a hyperfocusing on parenting. Breaks down the person and the marriage as well.
With this marital crisis and separation it has shaken me up. I am hoping it's shaking my H around.
You mentioned about not being able to pull the plug with a divorce (previous post). However, now you say "if I leave, I will leave?" What do you mean?
Basically, that at some point if she decides she isn't going to "pony up" and change, that status quo will be "no mo". Forgive me, I'm not an attorney, so I really shouldn't try to make rhyming arguments. What I am trying to say is that if this is as "good as it gets", and she isn't willing to try for better I will opt for divorce at some point. I want to exhaust every possible idea prior to this, as a solution must be out there. Ideas?
Sometimes the only way a person can grow up is by being forced to grow up on their own.
She may really need to go it alone for a while.
If you cut her loose that way, would you consider reuniting afterward? She may not want to if she does OK and survives. But then again, she may want to.
Trying to "float" two households would be tight if not impossible without cutting everything in life out that I currently still do enjoy. This means we'd have to sell our house, and in this market we'd take a serious bath. More unneeded financial stress. I also have kids in school, which would seriously "F" them up academically and emotionally. What's the end benefit? My wife gets a growth opportunity. Terrific, but at what cost? I think it would be cheaper to send her peri-menopausal ass to summer camp. Speaking of which, I am currently in the dog house because my oldest is meeting with an army recruiter today. Oops, and I have had the audacity to present myself as a "ridiculously" strong male role model his whole life, leading him to the mistaken notion that he can only please his father/me by following in my foot steps. I believe that's how she explained it to me. Well better my foot steps than hers... friggin hippies. Maybe I can join too. I'll have to go and ask him. I feel like "dropping some ord" this morning. It's been too long. What she fails to understand is that evil exists, and that sometimes controlled violence really is the only answer. The next time you get a chance, thank a soldier for "standing in the gap" so we can all go about our peaceful lives. Other than that my dear leftist wife is so tolerant of everything...well with the exception of me.
Question lastinline: What does she want? What does she enjoy?
You will never connect to her unless you can answer that.
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I am now 40 and feel more alone than I ever have in my life. I am "busy with business" and have hobbies in my life, but I have absolutely no connection with my wife.
Perhaps you can reassess the choices you have made, and how you balance your own life? It sounds like you want to fit this connection in around your work and hobbies.
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On paper I am a good looking, educated, quasi successful professional i.e. low 6 figures. With what she brings to the table, she would have a hard/impossible time trading up...
Are you serious? "Trading up"? This attitude is extremely denigrating, and shows no respect for her as your wife, or as a person. When I hear something like this, my snap reaction is 'get over yourself'.
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I tried a week of the "Love Dare" book and it was a friggin train wreck.
Really? The first week? If I remember the first week is all very benign. What happened? Was this something the two of you agreed on and tried together, or did you try it on your own?
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I feel if we had goals as a couple we could accomplish a lot,
This sounds very good. How about starting with what her goals are for the two of you, and helping her to meet them?
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I would really like to restore some quality back into our marriage. I want to see her commit more to our relationship.
What does she think about the quality of your marriage? What does she want?
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I have tried to explain to her that going to war with your husband is a whole lot like cutting your nose off to spite your face.
So is going to war with your wife.
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I think it would be cheaper to send her peri-menopausal ass to summer camp.
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Well better my foot steps than hers... friggin hippies.
More put downs.
It sounds to me like in order to connect with her, you are going to have to work at seeing things from her point of view and not just yours. Don't try to be her coach, or her father, or her caretaker. Try to be her partner, and friend, and lover.
It will take a lot of patience, and work on your part. She isn't going to just open up to you because you ask. Her guard is up. You have to show yourself worthy of being let back in. And to do that, you need to look at yourself from her point of view. You need to understand how she 'keeps score', not how you do. Then you rack up points by playing her game, not yours.
"Well better my foot steps than hers... friggin hippies."
Wow, no wonder you are having problems... such love you show for your wife. With that attitude I wouldn't like you either.
The problem is you do not actually know my wife. She is a very capable person who has not opted to really do anything with her life. Please can the crap about mother of six, I'm a father of six, and I am very giving with my time, and I have a whole hell of a lot less of it then she does. My "crazed" thought is if you actually love someone like oh I don't know...your son, you encourage him to make educated decisions for himself. This includes decisions you may not necessarily choose for yourself, but then again it's not for you it's for him. So yes, perhaps I was disrespectful in my post towards my wife, but it friggin pisses my off that my "willingness" to let my son speak to an army recruiter is somehow on par with my being an unfit father/bad role model in my wife's eyes. So what did I really do that brought down such scorn? I sat him down last night for a half hour and explained the whole recruiting process to him, what questions to ask regarding his GI bill, when to take his ASVAB, and what to consider when choosing a rate/MOS. Why? Well it must be because I want his legs to be blown off somewhere in the Ural mountains...no that wasn't it. Oh I know, it was because I wanted my son to be the next "holy crusader" in the middle east. No that's not it either. It was because I wanted him to make an educated inquiry into a viable career path. I'm a vet, and I used my GI bill to pay for my undergrad and my first year of medical school. It worked for me, maybe it might work for him. He is 17. I love him, and I love him enough to let him decide for himself. So you tell me Snix, what path would you have him take? The path of self reliance and achievement (mine), or the path of parental reliance and complacency (hers)?
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