General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Rhea is right about the fact that it may be her appeaance is mirroring her mood. The fact that you want her to look nice doesnt make you bad or mean, a lot of spouses have a need for an attractive spouse. Thing is there may be some needs of hers that you are not meeting. Ask her what they are. It could be she needs more domestic support, financial, emotional, companionship, sexual and on and on. Figure out what she needs/wants from you and fill the need. Let her know that she is beautiful but you like it when she is put together and you find it attractive and it makes you feel good to see her looking good. Some women feel that they aren't being paid attention to. If this is the case, you may be able to take her out more, pay more attention...she in turn may take better care of her appearance. Fill in with any need, whatever hers may be.
I gained a lot of weight after getting married. Not sure why. I was active and then became lazy. I had a back problem and this caused depression, which made me eat more, and its a vicious cycle. After I had my baby I looked at phots one day and was repulsed. So I went on a diet and have sticked to it for a year and lost 14 kg. I look better and feel great and my husband compliments a lot more now because I look so much better in jeans! I think depression has a lot to do with it. Could even be old baggage from years ago, or childhood stuff. Only she will know. The best you can do is encourage her. Walk the talk also. Weight issues are hard. But the sad part is the more she gains the harder it is to lose. Maybe suggest a dietician. Make sure the house is filled with healthy snacks and get rid of the carbs. Give her an incentive : if she loses 10 kg, you will give her ABC. She will be more motivated if there was a reward...
I guess I would ned more details of exactly what she is doing to not care about her appearance. If she is at home all day cleaning or working.... it's one thing and another thing if she is going to work in wrinkled clothing and not brushing her hair.
Does she have nice clothing?
Do you help her buy them? womens clothing can be sooooo expensive. Maybe you can give her money to get her hair and nails done and buy something new a few times a month.
could she be keeping up a poor appearance to send you off the "trail", to make herself less desirable?
there are certain aspects of my wifes "appearance" that i am beginning to believe she purposely lets go so i wont want to....well.....you know. she knows what i prefer in that department and she is on the other end of the spectrum.
You said that you are no longer attracted to her. Does this mean that you don't initiate sex or tell her how beautiful she is, stuff like that. I mean, do you fake being attracted because you feel guilty?
Or does your lack of attraction not ever come up?
It sounds like she has self esteem problems. I gained weight after having our son. You are doing good. Try to get her to talk to a professional and find out what the real problem is.. It should be deeper than just not caring
weight gain is a touchy subject for women so i wouldn't go there unless you want to ruin your sex life. but not grooming properly is inexcusable. just tell her what you just said...that you feel she just doesn't care anymore and wish things were the way they used to be. point out specifics to her. most people's looks do change over time, but effort is still required to maintain the relationship. best of luck to you.
weight gain is a touchy subject for women so i wouldn't go there unless you want to ruin your sex life.
a) it sounds like the wife ruined their sex life.
b) that is crap. We all have touchy subjects and we deal with it. That's called life.
That's like a husband with no job who is not looking for a job getting angry when his wife brings it up and says, "I don't want to talk about it. You're making me not want to look for a job. "
It's childish.
Treating women with kid gloves is treating them like children.
If a woman wants respect, act like an adult.
Having said that, she maybe doing it because of some resentment towards the husband.
You say you don't need a trophy wife but then you also say she is a reflection on you--which is it?
IF you simply aren't attracted to her b/c of the way she dresses/acts, then that's one thing. But do not try to convince her that she should do things so that YOU look better to people she may not know and certainly does not care about. You need to have the confidence to be who you are and accepted for that, not for how your wife looks.
But--your wife was a dancer. Dancers often starve themselves. She may just be very glad to be able to eat what she enjoys. She either does not want to wear other clothes or hasn't figured out how to dress her "new" body, which can take time. If you have approached this from a selfish direction, you've probably hurt her feelings, too, and she may feel worse about herself after finally feeling she didn't have to worry about how she looked all the time.
Your spouse is no reflection on you, and anyone with sense will understand that.
It's irrational to judge someone based on their spouse, particularly since very few people know the whole story. Anyone who actually does that is just revealing that they are a pretty shallow person--shallow as in, rushing to judgment on things they don't know about, rather than stopping to think things through.
Does having a spouse who is "unattractive" mean you are a less intelligent, capable, interesting, etc., person than you are? Of course not. When you let your spouse's appearance be a reflection on you, in means you are allowing yourself to assume that others are judging you for what your spouse looks like. Rational people won't, and who cares what the others think?
Your spouse is no reflection on you, and anyone with sense will understand that.
It's irrational to judge someone based on their spouse, particularly since very few people know the whole story. Anyone who actually does that is just revealing that they are a pretty shallow person--shallow as in, rushing to judgment on things they don't know about, rather than stopping to think things through.
Does having a spouse who is "unattractive" mean you are a less intelligent, capable, interesting, etc., person than you are? Of course not. When you let your spouse's appearance be a reflection on you, in means you are allowing yourself to assume that others are judging you for what your spouse looks like. Rational people won't, and who cares what the others think?
We are talking about someone who let themselves go. And their spouse is losing attraction because of it.
The pants thing, most pants are low rise and meant to show butt crack. I think they intend women to wear thongs. Since I don't wear underwear, my crack shows if my shirt is not long enough. There are many days where I dress comfortable and stay in my pj's. Those are the days I'm not feeling well or my pain is sky rocketing. I'm permanently disabled with a neck injury. The last two weeks I've had a kindney infection and spent a week in the hospital. My husband also dresses down on weekends. He wears pj's or sweats. Even after breaking my neck, I never heard my husband complain of my weight gain. I gained 30 pounds and lost most of it.
I guess I consider myself lucky. My husband doesn't mind. I do try and eat healthy though. I'm into super foods like chia seeds, fish oil, sprouts, ect. We teach our children healthily habits as well. I use to run 36 miles a week, but had to quit. I can only bike on my good days.
I do think it's normal to go through periods of sloppiness here and there. Depending how we feel. Posted via Mobile Device
Originally Posted by sisters359
Your spouse is no reflection on you, and anyone with sense will understand that.
It's irrational to judge someone based on their spouse, particularly since very few people know the whole story. Anyone who actually does that is just revealing that they are a pretty shallow person--shallow as in, rushing to judgment on things they don't know about, rather than stopping to think things through.
Does having a spouse who is "unattractive" mean you are a less intelligent, capable, interesting, etc., person than you are? Of course not. When you let your spouse's appearance be a reflection on you, in means you are allowing yourself to assume that others are judging you for what your spouse looks like. Rational people won't, and who cares what the others think?
We are talking about someone who let themselves go. And their spouse is losing attraction because of it.
That's a different question, and not the one you quoted to begin with.
A lot of people will say that they don't care when their spouse gains weight (as long as it doesn't become a health issue); a lot will say they do. I guess people should figure out which type they are before they marry someone and make sure only to marry someone who shares their p.o.v.
But if he believes marriage is for better or for worse, I would think this covers "fat or thin." If not, he can set his boundaries, make sure she is aware and that he supports her w/o criticism, and hope for the best.
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Re: Wife doesn't care about her appearance... 
