addicted to masterbation as my wife rarely will have sex
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Old 04-23-2013, 08:38 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default addicted to masterbation as my wife rarely will have sex

I am 46 and have been married to my wife (who i love) for 16 years.
However she very rarely entertains sex and when she does, it is i who has to do everything and she lies there till its over.
Not only that, she is in pain almost every time i enter her which i believe is because we so rarely have sex (maybe once every 3/4 months). She has seen the doctor who confirms that she has no vaginal problems.
I therefore find myself masterbating a lot, which at my age is ridiculous. I do have quite a high sex drive.
The other problem is that as sex is so rare, i cum very quickly.
So there you have it, lots of problems and i am becoming very desperate for some solutions and more sex.
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Old 04-23-2013, 10:14 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: addicted to masterbation as my wife rarely will have sex

Have you two done any counseling or has she done any IC to possibly uncover abuse issues in her past?
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Old 04-23-2013, 10:15 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: addicted to masterbation as my wife rarely will have sex

Is she menopausal?
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Old 04-23-2013, 10:22 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: addicted to masterbation as my wife rarely will have sex

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Is she menopausal?
No definitely not
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Old 04-23-2013, 10:25 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: addicted to masterbation as my wife rarely will have sex

Have you tried talking with her about this? Tried more foreplay with her?

Need more details.
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Old 04-23-2013, 10:27 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: addicted to masterbation as my wife rarely will have sex

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Originally Posted by help i need sex View Post
i am becoming very desperate for some solutions and more sex.
Has she always been like this, or is something thats been happening recently?

I have found that a lot of sexual issues in the bedroom, rarely have to with sex or lack there of, once you can get to the real root of the issue then sex may eventually return. How are things between the two of you outside of the bedroom?

Anything else gone on in the marriage between the both of you in the past? Any resentment or anger towards you on her part etc?
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Old 04-23-2013, 11:10 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: addicted to masterbation as my wife rarely will have sex

You too, huh?
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Old 04-23-2013, 11:13 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: addicted to masterbation as my wife rarely will have sex

The pain during sex you might want to have her mention to her doctor.
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Old 04-23-2013, 11:34 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: addicted to masterbation as my wife rarely will have sex

How was your sex life in the beginning...what changed, having kids... fighting... I am always amazed when a High drive partner can remained married to someone this low drive -- once every 3 to 4 months! Sexless is considered less than 10 times a year...by Sex Therapists.

1. How many years have you been sexless? It makes sense if she is only doing it 4 times a year - her V is Tight.

2. Do you know if she masterbates herself ? (some women can only "O" with a toy ....I remember one man's story - sexless marriage while she was off masterbating -he never knew. Huge blow.

3. Is she on any meds / birth control to zap her sex drive?

4. What about Physical attraction?

5. Resentment ...over ongoing marital issues...that has went silent...so often this manifests itself in sinking the sexual intimacy.
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Old 04-23-2013, 12:50 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: addicted to masterbation as my wife rarely will have sex

What is your question?

Addiction to masturbation? I wouldn't call it an addiction unless you find the need to masturbate at work, public buses, etc... and can't control yourself. Otherwise, you are just filling a need. Unfortunately masturbating doesn't quite come close to the real thing. So if you would like to have "real" sex twice a week, you probably have to masturbate 5-6 times per week.

Her not interested in sex? Go through the sexless marriage posts in the Sex in Marriage forum. You will get plenty of answers there.
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Old 04-23-2013, 12:55 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: addicted to masterbation as my wife rarely will have sex

There's other types of sex besides the one where you enter her.

You could also try anal and if that doesn't work then she at least can pleasure you orally and you could do the same for her.

If she declines that, well then it's probably safe to assume the "pain" is just an excuse.
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Old 04-23-2013, 01:02 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: addicted to masterbation as my wife rarely will have sex

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There's other types of sex besides the one where you enter her.

You could also try anal and if that doesn't work then she at least can pleasure you orally and you could do the same for her.

If she declines that, well then it's probably safe to assume the "pain" is just an excuse.
That's what I'm afraid of...the "excuse".
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Old 04-23-2013, 02:12 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: addicted to masterbation as my wife rarely will have sex

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That's what I'm afraid of...the "excuse".
Well, if it's an excuse and nothing more, you need to know it.

It won't change anything but at least you know where you stand.
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Old 04-23-2013, 02:41 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: addicted to masterbation as my wife rarely will have sex

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There's other types of sex besides the one where you enter her.

You could also try anal and if that doesn't work then she at least can pleasure you orally and you could do the same for her.

If she declines that, well then it's probably safe to assume the "pain" is just an excuse.
At the risk of sounding feminist (which I am certainly not):

A woman who doesn't want to give oral or anal MUST be using pain as an excuse if she's saying vaginal is painful? Some women have moral or other boundaries which prevent them from giving oral or anal sex. I don't think this is a safe assumption at all, unless the wife has previously been excited about oral or anal sex.

My two cents for F-102: Talk to your wife - but I don't mean you should just talk about how you feel and how you miss sex. I think that can end up in the "same old" category, and any previous arguments can end up resurfacing if you reenter the same territory.

Try talking about her. Ask her what's exciting, and if she masturbates, and how she's been feeling. Tell her you want to make her feel good. If you make it about her, it's not only more romantic; it also indicates that you're taking her needs into consideration (over your own).

You can also try doing some more physical romantic things without sex - like kissing and hugging, and snuggling. If you're more physically affectionate, it's possible it could make her more likely to think of initiating sex herself.

Another idea might be to try the romantic evening thing. But, instead of dinner and roses, you can try to spark something different - like events you would have gone to when younger, or something else nostalgic. Something that would be fun to do again, or something that would be fun to try, which you wouldn't normally do.

I think people tend to want sex less when they're either stressed/anxious or depressed (and sometimes people seem like they're quite calm when they're not). It's possible this is true in your wife's case.

I've been with someone who had a much lower sex drive than me, and I know it was exacerbated by 1) their stress and 2) my frequent attempts at initiation. With that person, it helped to back off, which gave him a chance to initiate eventually. I still didn't get a lot, but I got more than when I was trying to initiate and he was pushing back, as it were. Stress is a bit tougher... but if you work towards remedying any causes of stress or depression, that can go a long ways towards a better sex life as well.

Also: Lube.
Lube is good stuff.
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Old 04-27-2013, 11:05 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: addicted to masterbation as my wife rarely will have sex

I would show her this thread. Plop down next to her in bed and read it with her.

99% of the time communication is the problem. I've suffered in silence many times in my marriage needlessly. I have a tendency to be a pleaser, and so I sometimes have felt bad expressing my desires if I thought it would make her uncomfortable or hurt her in any way. I went almost 7 years without ever getting a BJ in my marriage because she was nervous about trying it and I never told her I wanted one (or if I did, it was just a hint). Fast forward: Double oral (69) is pretty common in our sex life, and she often initiates a BJ now, which is amazing!

I would guess that you have had a very hard time communicating with your wife about sex and a lot of other things. It is time to open up that communication door. You need to be open and honest with her, even if it hurts her and she cries (and you cry, too). It is never too late to start again. My fear was that if I communicated my sexual needs to my wife that she would feel hurt and inadequate. Or maybe even worse is that she would just not care and continue on with life.

She needs to know she isn't meeting your needs and you feel forced to find release elsewhere. You need to come clean about everything. If you are using porn to masturbate, tell her that, too. Get it all out there.

In my case, I haven't told my wife that in the past (I'm recovering) I viewed porn and masturbated a lot as a supplement to her low libido. She wasn't meeting my needs and I didn't feel it was fair to push her to meet my needs when she didn't have the same needs -- sort of like me pushing her to eat when she isn't hungry -- but I was starving! It was as if she was fine eating once a week and not hungry -- but that wasn't good enough for me.

I personally view it as spousal abuse when a wife will not consider the sexual appetite of her husband and just expect his appetite to match hers. I think it is selfish as her desiring more romance and the husband not caring to "do that fluffy stuff". In your case, your wife is abusing you sexually, and this is actually grounds (in court) for divorce. I would say this is serious enough to start really communicating with her or considering parting company.

So many women (billions) have been abandoned (divorced, or whatever) because they didn't understand their partners had needs sexually that were not being met. Sometimes women leave men for the same reason, but this is rare in comparison (and always makes me smirk because it gives me hope that at least a few women know how it feels!)
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