 Frustrated with My Marriage
Well, hello everyone! To start off, I'm new here. I registered about a minute ago so.. here goes nothing. I'm here for advice.
I have been married to my husband for 11 months now. We are young and while we are sure of our decision, it was still a rather short relationship/engagement.
There has been a lot of stress in our lives recently. My husband was recently medically discharged from the Army for mental health reasons. Nothing too serious, he just really couldn't hack it anymore.
We are currently living with my mother-in-law. He's always been close to her, his dad was never really around growing up... to put it simply, he's a total mama's boy. So she gets involved. In everything. I can't blame her, we're in a tiny apartment, there's really no avoiding the situations. But it adds tension in our relationship.
But that's not the real big problems, I digress.
He smokes. A lot. Both cigarettes and weed. At the moment, we really don't have the money to support his habit of both. I've tried to go along with it. I don't mind him smoking cigarettes as much, I do occasionally tease him for it, but I grew up in a house of smokers. I'm used to it.
I hate the weed though. The person who is always smoking is not the person I married. Worse, since he knows it upsets me, he lies about it constantly. I try to be understanding, but he continues to lie. It is like a smack in the face every time I see him doing it. Or know he's doing it (like in the bathroom, his favorite place to lie about it). He claims that his life is stressful and all that and that he likes to do it when he works, but it's been days and days of getting high all the time.
He is never with me for any period of time over an hour that he has not been high. He is always critical of me, rude and uncaring when he is with me. Not to mention our sex life is totally plummeting because of all the weed he's smoking. He cannot get or remain hard for very long. It is a total blow to my self confidence, it's frustrating because I'm sick of the drugs and know they are causing this. Plus there is that all over unhappiness from not getting very good intimate time with him.
Whenever I confront him about anything he starts off denying it, then starts to blame me for it (usually with nothing pertinent) and then just pretty much says "Well, I don't want to talk." I could write a script for our arguments. I'm not claiming to be an angel. I pick fights, I don't hang around after them and I am usually ready to book it out the door by the time we start them. But really, who doesn't do something to that effect?
I don't want to ask him to stop smoking all together. But he needs to cut back. It's financially draining, emotionally and I feel less and less like we're going to have a future together the way things are going. I feel like it will very easily escalate into heavier drugs. He seems to have a habit of drug abuse. He takes his prescriptions (adderall, nothing too heavy) within a week and then complains about it until the next refill.
More than anything, I hate the lying. I have caught him multiple times posting and e-mailing people online for sex. He tells me it means nothing, he never exchanges more than an e-mail or two before he simply does not respond. He says it feels taboo and it makes him feel good. Meanwhile, I'm getting more and more sex starved, practically begging him to pay me some attention. His mom says she thinks he does it more to upset me than anything else. I don't care what his motives are, he is being unfaithful and that is not okay. I also recently read on a message board that he has a bit of a crush on multiple girls at his work and wants to "do" them. He knows I know and while I'm not proud of snooping, I'm going to trust my gut feeling. Always.
I don't know how I can possibly, if ever trust him. He sees it as either I quit or I stay. He doesn't show any interest in regaining my trust. He doesn't seem to care one bit. Nothing matters to him, it doesn't matter who he lies to or who he hurts as long as he gets his way.
I've tried to add romance and spark back into our relationship with surprises, romantic outings and attempts at trying new things in bed(and out of bed..). Everything is spoiled by his lack of commitment to making our marriage work and bettering our relationship.
He is constantly on my case about getting a job. He just recently got a job about 30 minutes away that requires him to talk our car, the ONLY car that we own, to work with him and keep it there all day. The job pays minimum wage and is barely paying for the gas and weed that he needs/"needs". I currently work online, not for great money, but for something. He works different hours every day, making it nearly impossible for me to get a job when he's off work. Not to mention, our relationship is struggling so much, never seeing him will certainly not help. I don't feel like I can even begin to trust him at home either, knowing his past little blips in fidelity.
Obviously, this is mostly the bad side. There is a wonderful man in there somewhere, he has just gotten very very lost. When things between us are good, they are great. But things are getting less and less "good" between us. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to work with him on our relationship but I can't make him care. Should I consider cutting my losses and getting out?
Last edited by HeWillBeLoved; 08-16-2009 at 05:06 AM.
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