shbuam

Try to keep this as short as possible.

I was divorced fairly recently, after a very difficult marriage, my spouse was someone I was very much in love with. Some months prior to me filing for a divorce I found out my spouse had been telling me some lies, and had behaved badly during one particular week. I filed for divorce, he was served, and he then asked for another chance, but not with a lot of remorse, although he understood the consequences and seemed genuine. I never withdrew the papers, but agreed to try and work things out. A short time later I discovered more lies, and upon comfronting him and asking what it is he wanted from me, not getting any answers, I removed his ring, told him he no longer got any choces, and I walked away from him. He immediately tried to correct things by texting I deserved better, and that he had been very stupid. He left the country a matter of an hour later on business, then blew me off while he was gone, he would teeter between calling, saying he loved me, and not contacting me for days. I was in the this world of not knowing, yet moving forward with the divorce. I was waiting for him to be remorseful, say he was sorry, tell me he was stupid, and figure things out. I wanted to figure things out. I loved him.

For clarification, I believe he was still in love with me, just as I was him.

To complicate this. A few days after he was gone, I found out I was expecting. We had no children together. I am in my 40's and he was 8 yrs younger.

I came to terms with a few faults of mine during the marriage, the fact that I was still in love with him, missed him, and then I decided to tell him these things. I was carrying his child. Over the course of a few weeks, I text him and told him, he ignored them for a while, then I asked him to meet me. He wanted to know why, I said I needed to talk, that there were things I needed to say/apologize for. I also needed to tell him about the baby, but honestly I wanted to know if he wanted me, without the knowledge of the baby, as I didn't want him to be the reason we reconciled. I knew he would see that I was expecting, but I figured if he met me, it meant something. He refused, and was very mean, bitter, and hatefilled.

I understand my failures in this, but I also know he was largely at fault for his drinking, attitude, lack of care, and his behavior.

I elected to move forward with life, and we stopped communicating completely.

I carried the baby a little over 5 months, and then he died. His father never knew "he" even existed.

Around 45 days later, I was doing "ok" and unintentionally reconnected with an old high school friend, and sparks flew. I felt alive, happy, and so many other things. It was a whirlwind thing, and we quickly got married.

I honestly teetered between committing and not, and finally told myself I needed to do this to move on.

It isn't that I don't love my husband. I do. It is difficult to explain, but I basically have come to the realization that I am still mourning the loss of the marriage prior, and the baby. I am fully capable of being a wonderful wife and have been in the past, but I am not right now. I've been seeing a therapist and she has is someone that knew me well in my other marriage and she has told me she does not believe the love I have is like the love I had before, not for me anyways.

We argue a lot, I feel as if he is critical, confrontational, and he blames me for all of the fights. We argued three times yesterday, and I often find myself dealing with an emotional I've never really dealt with, and that is anger, although the last few weeks when we argue I just am numb, or non emotional. The anger is basically gone. I often think it isn't going to work, and living with him causes me a lot of stress that at times makes me even shake. I cannot handle the constant pressure I get from him. I've discussed this with him, and he doesn't let up.

I cried for over an hour today. About the baby, about how my heart hurts, and I feel like a complete and utter failure. Like I've made a huge mistake, and I have no idea how to fix it.

I just feel so lost.

Sandy55

You've had some very powerful events in a short period of time. Losing a baby at 5 months is very traumatic, I am so sorry for your loss. Hug.

I think you were still recovering from the failed marriage, then the loss of your baby, and didn't have enough time to recover. I think you were smart to see the therapist, and hope you continue to do so.

Get a really good perspective on the issues in your present marriage and try to sort out what are the real issues, and those things that are mourning issues and anger.

Often we find ourselves mourning for "what could have been" and until we resolve those feeling of loss, we have a hard time moving on.

Did you do an infant loss support group? Many communities have those.

sisters359

Losing a baby like that is extremely traumatizing. I can see how someone new could distract you from your grief in the "denial" stage--I could see myself in your place. Please be very kind to yourself. Imagine a friend in your shoes and how you would respond to her. Then be this kind and forgiving to yourself, whatever may come.

Perhaps first and foremost, you need time alone to decide what you really want and need to do. I know I would. The stress you describe sound all but unbearable, and you deserve better. Your new husband seems not to understand how grief over losses like yours may have made you vulnerable and how you need time to process the grief. Take him to the therapist with you. If he won't go, that's a pretty clear sign there isn't much hope. Either way-with or without his support--do what you need to do.

It is very hard to have to grieve an infant loss alone. A group or very close friend or relative might be able to share with you in your pain, and spending a few days, even, with someone who can might allow you to vocalize your pain. Perhaps a sister, mother, or cousin? May God grant you comfort in your losses and strength as you move on.

SeeThomasHowl

Dont feel like a failure. Losing your baby was not your fault. Any relationship problems, past or future, are/were not your responsibility alone. Sometimes life is just ****ty and theres nothing u can do about it but be overcome w/ the appropriate emotions. But your not a failure. We're all trying to figure out how/why/what to do. Focus on the good in yourself. When u feel u are ready, pick yourself up and move on in whatever direction u think is best.

shbuam

Thought I'd revive this post, and update it in the process.

I wanted to let everyone know I did start counseling an to an extent it seems to be helping. Although I am not sure how much she can really do. I know this is a process I have to filter through, it just aches so bad at times I am not even sure how to filter through it. I told her I have no idea how to mourn this.

I've also tried to focus on my new marriage. I am a very lucky wife who has a husband who is truly everything she has ever hope and dreamed of. The weirdness with a lot of things has settled down between us, and I think most of it is just my mourning/grief process mingled with us combining households, and doing so very, very quickly.

There are times I still feel the sting of the loss, and it carries over into the ex h as well. I believe most of this is in relationship to the loss of the baby, but I can't honestly say all of it is, some of it might be him.

My heart a lot of days just aches.

I am trying.