My wife and I have been married 3 years. Im 30, shes 27. We are very much in love, and generally supportive of eachother in basically every way.
But my wife has a temper from hell. Shes aware of this and readily admits it. But her awareness of it does not lead her to exercise any restraint. Her position tends to be "This is the way I am, if u dont like it, find someone else." Which is infuriating to me.
One of my major character flaws is that I am easy going to the point of being lazy and unproductive. This has affected our relationship in areas ranging from romance to finance. My wife obviously doesnt like it that Im this way, and it has caused us problems in the past, so I recognize this aspect of my personally as being a defect and I try my best to take appropriate actions to combat it, such as getting more organized, waking up earlier in the morning to run errands and get things done, and making more of an effort to show my wife affection and letting her know how I feel about her.
But when it comes to her negativity, she doesnt do the same. She is almost protective of it. She thinks that my not liking IT = not liking HER. She doesnt stop to think about how harmful it is to our relationship. She takes no responsibility for the problems her negativity causes.
I'll give a quick example. A few days ago my wife returned home from a 2 month vacation w/ her 8yo niece visiting family in their home country. It is 10pm and my wife is on the phone w/ her father, Im sitting next to her on the bed working on our laptop. She isnt speaking English so I dont know what shes saying, but its obvious that she is angry b/c of her tone and the loudness of her voice. We live in an apartment building with very thin walls, and our window is wide open b/c its summertime and we live on the 3rd floor so it gets really hot in our place.
Over the course of about 10min she begins talking louder, and louder, until it gets to the point that she is basically yelling nonstop into the phone. I finally interupt and say calmly, politely, something like "Hon, the volume is getting a little loud." She gives me kind of a dirty look and quiets down.
Long story short over the next 36 hours we're basically caught up in a terrible fight over this. She feels hurt that I asked her to quiet down, saying that she feels that I am annoyed by the sound of her voice. I assure her that that isnt the case, that it was late and she was talking very loudly and I didnt want the neighbors to complain. She then says why am I so worried about "kissing the neighbors' ass" and that she was talking to her father and so what if she was talking loud. I tell her that I was just trying to bring it to her attention b/c maybe she wasnt aware of how loud her voice was getting. But she was offended to the point of being angry with me, and during the subsequent hours of argument goes into her normal routine of being combative toward me while also claiming to have somehow been victimized by me.
So given the mundane nature of what started this latest fight, u can imagine how often this kind of thing occurs, and how unbelievably horrible it gets when an actual "serious problem" arises.
Anybody have any similar experiences with this kind of thing? What is the best way for me to proceed?
Thoughts and suggestions greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Read it, a few comments.
From what you describe, she has more than a negative disposition or personality traits. She sounds a little mental, maybe bipolar or borderline personality ( some undiagnosied mental condition) since she has so much anger and expresses herself with so much drama.
She also sounds very controlling with the increased yelling louder and louder....
Lots of people are that way. Being your the laid back, almost lazy type, this would give her so much to get mad about, more so if your also prone to procasteration and do not finish what you start.
Your communication styles vary greatly and maybe do not mesh. Unless you both want to find ways to communicate better, your going to have a rough time, filled with lots of drama, yelling and screaming, resentment building up...
Counseling would be a good option, if that proves unhelpful, could be your personalities just don't jive.