Ex-wife continues to call, and no children involved
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Old 08-25-2009, 03:07 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Ex-wife continues to call, and no children involved

Hello,

I am new to the forum, so please forgive if I am posting this in the wrong area! This is a bit lengthy as well, but I am just trying to be clear.

I am moving in with my boyfriend next month. We have dated for over a year, and we both feel ready to take additional steps to see if we work as a couple. Both of us are interested in getting married and having children. He asked me to move in with him in December, but I was waiting until I could wrap up business before I left (we live two hours apart, but see each other every weekend). This is not so big a change for me, as I am only moving back to the city where I am from originally, and all my family is down there, so I am not isolating myself by doing this.

Things are very well between us. Both of us are open and honest, since we've both have been very hurt in our past.

The problem is with his ex-wife.

To give a brief history on my boyfriend and his ex-wife: they were married for less than 4 months, and were only together for two of the four. She had recently divorced her when she met my boyfriend, and they dated for a short while before he proposed. It was a hasty engagement and marriage, and he admits now he went about it all wrong. It would later turn out she had kept an affair with her ex-husband, and would later reconcile with him. She had one child with him when she met my boyfriend (who he became close to), and has since had another child with her now husband.

I have never met her, but have been led to believe she is deeply in love with her husband and has no interest in being with anyone else.

My problem is that is still occastionally calls my boyfriend. So far I have been told it for trivial things, such as a computer problem (my boyfriend works on computers) or directions to somewhere. Her husband would NOT approve of her calling and is in reality very jealous of my boyfriend. I questioned him if he and her were friends, and he says they are not. I asked him point-blank if he has feelings for her, and he has assured me that she caused him too much pain for him to ever reconcile with. He assures me he does not contact her, and that all the contact is of her calling him.

Long story short, I believe him, and although it pained me to do so, I have checked his phone to be certain, and have seen the times she had called or texted, it was on her end. I have been cheated on in the past and kept from researching further when I suspected for fear of violating boundaries and hurting the fabric of our relationship (I see now that is completely ridiculous). So I do feel confident with him that he is true.

However, last weekend I asked him if he did not want to communicate with her (as he has claimed), then why he allows her to continue to call. Oddly enough, the question seemd to stump him. He said he did not know why, that it was not because he was trying to be polite, and he did not care if he ever heard from her again. I did not push whether he was going to continue to let her call him after I asked.

My problem is that I do not want her calling. She is a very trashy woman with a potentially dangerous husband. I love my boyfriend and feel ready to try to share a life with him, but I do not want to live with her ghost.

I will be forward and say he does still have their old wedding photos, their wedding glasses, and both rings. He says they do not mean what they once did, and plans to throw the rings in a lake he goes to as a means of properly putting the past to rest.

I am just not sure at this point if I am simply being jealous (I sincerely hope so. I am willing to admit to jealously and very willing to work to overcome it). However, I am worried I may be turning a blind eye again, with the belief that I am over-stepping boundaries or potentially ruining our relationship by worrying about it too much. I really am in an odd spot.

Advice or thoughts would be nice. Please do not bother to say to leave him or anything of the like, because I do not feel we are in a situation where it would require such a drastic action. Nor do I feel I am putting myself into a negative situation by moving in with him. We are both adults (late 20s and 30s), and can take care of ourselves. I am just wondering what other thoughts would be.

Thanks!
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Old 08-25-2009, 04:11 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex-wife continues to call, and no children involved

He could put an end to her calling if he wanted to. These days there are decent stalking laws. He can also get a new phone with new number and if he wanted he could get her out of his life.
Maybe he is thinking this makes him look desirable or attractive in your eyes another woman calls him?
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Old 08-25-2009, 05:15 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex-wife continues to call, and no children involved

Restraining order. Pawn the wedding rings.
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Old 08-25-2009, 05:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex-wife continues to call, and no children involved

Thank you! I am glad I posted here. It does make me feel better seeing how people are reacting. It confirms I maybe over-reacting, something I suspected I was doing, but given what happened with me once, I didn't want to act so naive again. I will let the entire matter drop with him and not bring it up. The only part I am worried about is her husband. He is dangerous, but I suppose there is not much I can do at the moment.

And as for the wedding photos and the rings, I genuinely understand why he wants to part with the rings the way he does. I have done similar things myself. The wedding photos he never looks at (I know this because they are shoved away on top of a bookshelf with a pile of dust on them). It is a jealously thing on my part that they are still in the house, but I have a feeling one day they are going to suddenly disappear and that will be end of it (meaning, he'll just come to terms and put them to rest, so to speak, in his own way). In the meantime I'll just ignore them, and chances are he'll move them to the attic anyway. I think with him it's a matter that he is not ready to get rid of them, but does not want to actually see them around. I suppose we all deal with grief in our past in different ways.

Thank you everyone, I appreciate it very much :- )
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Old 08-25-2009, 09:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex-wife continues to call, and no children involved

Well you don't have to "let the matter drop". You can tell hubby how you feel, just use calm tones, rather than hysterical screaming and throwing things, or whatever it is you were going to do.

Seriously pawn the rings. Give the money away if you have to.
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Old 08-25-2009, 09:28 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex-wife continues to call, and no children involved

Can he just change his number- he doesn't sound like he's leading her on, but it sounds like he just doesn't want to deal with the drama of telling her to leave him alone. You should talk to him about it...communication is a good thing to have I still have my wedding photos, but they are in a box in storage and my wedding dress & ring are on craigslist... hope they sell soon
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Old 08-26-2009, 06:18 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex-wife continues to call, and no children involved

I think you should just sit down with your BF and explain to him that it bothers you that she calls. Clearly she has zero regards to marriage and while you don't think he would cheat on you it is very disrespectful for her to keep calling.

If you BF has zero interest in her and doesn't care one way of the other then I doubt he will have any issues with blocking her number or just telling her to stop calling.
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Old 08-26-2009, 09:32 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex-wife continues to call, and no children involved

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostandconfused View Post


As far as getting a "restraining" order. ZOMG! Maybe, just maybe a trifle bit of overreaction??? It's just a phone call. That's my opinion.



Lost
Stalking does involve phone calls and it may not be an over reaction.. depends on what she is saying... and how much she is calling.

Something else to think about is why she is so angry, as it could be you next who is that angry, as you may not know the whole story as to why she is so mad at him.


My husbands ex when we met was calling and calling him....
we filed a police report as all she wanted was to scream at him and tell him he sucked, I was ugly, she was wanting to know my name and a bunch of nonsense. We filed the report from the house, over the phone.
When she started coming over we again filed....
soon as we had a bunch of police records, she faced jail and court, so she stopped.

I want you to know I did listen to her as to what her problem was before I deemed her insane.... and her comments had no merit.
She was even calling child support office to say he wasn't paying.... but he was and never even late.
Soon the child support office quit listening to her too as all her complaints had nothing to do with reality.
You should see why she is calling too......... as her compliants may have some reality.

Last edited by preso; 08-26-2009 at 09:36 AM.
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Old 08-26-2009, 12:04 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex-wife continues to call, and no children involved

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Uhm, I think if he thought this makes him look desireable his reaction to her asking why if he doesn't want to communicate, does he let her still call would be a trifle different than just stumped. The man, appears to me, to not even have thought enough about the calls to care one way or the other.

As far as getting a "restraining" order. ZOMG! Maybe, just maybe a trifle bit of overreaction??? It's just a phone call. That's my opinion.

Like I said originally, she's a smart woman and I'm sure she can tell the difference between something really significant to her hubby and something that doesn't really matter.

But, yes, restraining orders can be put in place. It's just always a good idea to determine if they are "necessary" before placing them.

LOL

Lost
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Old 08-26-2009, 06:40 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex-wife continues to call, and no children involved

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[COLOR="Blue"]As far as getting a "restraining" order. ZOMG! Maybe, just maybe a trifle bit of overreaction??? It's just a phone call. That's my opinion.
It's a phone call from the ex-wife married to a "dangerous guy" who hates her husband.

If you haven't figured it out, sounds like the "dangerous husband" threatened something bad enough to make the first wife return to him despite her loving the nice husband.
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