Overcontrolling or Overreacting?

ronnieswifey1120 · 02-08-2008, 05:50 PM

My husband and I have been married for about 3 months now and he is unfortunately deployed overseas to fight the good fight. Lately it seems that the things I do always make him mad.

I recently got contacts and took pictures of myself to post on my web page. He made me take them down because my tank top was "skimpy" and I wasn't acting like a married woman. I don't think the tank top was skimp at all, I just happen to be well endowed.

Another instance, I told him I was going to stay home all day and at the last minute decided to go out with a family member to a friend's house for drinks. I did not say "I promise I'll stay home," although he said I was going back on my word and can't keep promises.

He also goes on my web page and monitors my pictures and friends list and gripes over little things. I can't have ex boyfriends in my friends list. If a guy friend is single, he questions me about him and why I'm even his friend. Any picture where I look "sexy" has to be taken down although my profile is private and only friends can view my page and pictures.

I contribute his behavior to insecurities and a bad previous marriage where is ex wife really ruined him. But is it my fault? Why does he have to take it out on me? Is there a way for me to make him trust me and not be so overprotective? Or am I the one who isn't acting as I should?

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading my post.

Delphi · 02-09-2008, 12:24 AM

You're newly married and he's overseas so it seems normal for him to be missing you and worried that you might fall for someone who is THERE, where I'm sure he wishes he was.

I hate the thought of any guy trying to control a woman and possessiveness and extreme jealousy are abusive but I don't think that's the case here. Reassure him of your loyalty and try to be patient (imagine yourself in his position).

ronnieswifey1120 · 02-09-2008, 01:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Delphi

You're newly married and he's overseas so it seems normal for him to be missing you and worried that you might fall for someone who is THERE, where I'm sure he wishes he was.

I hate the thought of any guy trying to control a woman and possessiveness and extreme jealousy are abusive but I don't think that's the case here. Reassure him of your loyalty and try to be patient (imagine yourself in his position).

Thanks Delphi. I think the newly married and overseas comment contributes a great deal to his insecurities. I do as much as I can to reassure him that I am dedicated to him and loyal to our marriage. But sometimes I feel like I have to compromise too much of myself in order to make him feel better or make him happy. Is it because I'm young? I just feel like my actions and efforts are sometimes unappreciated. Like today, I decided to get my BS in psychology online and he had a fit. He told me it was too expensive and that it was either school or a car.. and we really need a car. I tried to explain that I qualified for financial aid and loans but he said unless it only costs 1-2k then i couldn't do it. Should I just settle for a lesser education?

draconis · 02-09-2008, 02:14 AM

If I where you I would remind him that trust is an important part of marriage and even though his ex wife was bad to him that he must not think all women are since he dated again and got married again. It is sad that behaviors like this can manafest beyond control.

I know that soldiers often worry about dear john letters. I would assure him that you will be in it for the long haul if he shows you love, trust and respect.

draconis

oceanbreeze · 03-09-2008, 10:34 PM

Hi Ronnieswifey,

Your husband is awful insecure. He wants to make sure you are there for him when he arrives back. As for the education and car, you are able to get both. 1) You get free education because your husband is in the military. 2) You can always buy a new used car or a car at an auction and fix it up (i.e. new seats, decorative adornments). It sounds to me that your husband's fear is that you will be "going places" w/o him. If you are at school, he's afraid you'll meet someone, if you have a car, you'd be able to travel and meet someone. His fear of being left behind w/o you. I am very well aware that you are loyal to your marriage or you would not be worried and writing for advice regarding your marriage.

Do not feel guilty at all. Your husband's feelings are obviously misplaced onto you and you take it in, but rather redirect his feelings and say, "I understand you're afraid of me going places with out you, but no matter what I am waiting here for you when you come back. Going to school will give me something to focus on and when I get a degree I can use it and invest into our marriage." "And we need the car so we can get around more conveniently"

Immortalone · 03-10-2008, 09:59 AM

I know you said you have been married for 3 months but you did not say how long you had dated before that. Sounds like a typical soldiers problem to me. And yes I was one of those.

The problem you run into over there is you have alot of down time. During that time all you do is sit around thinking. As bad as it may sound the first phone call home that goes unanswered makes the mind wonder to the bad side of things. He wants to be there with you. Can't be. He wants to be your best friend but the miles make that hard. He wants to be there to fix anything that goes wrong around the house but that is impossible. Can you see were I'm going with this. He has so many wants of being there to take care of you but he can't be and part of him fears that another will take his place while he is gone.

It's not just a matter of not trusting. It's a matter of him feeling like he is not taking care of you like he wants to. As a man that leads us to thinking stupid things. Not something we can help.