netty1977

My husband and I are both 30 and have an 18 month old son. I am also 5 months pregnant. He lost his job a couple of months ago after working for the same company for 10 years. He was a manager for a transportation company. He has since found another job in a related field making a comparable salary. I quit my job when my son was born to stay home and take care of him. My husband has recently expressed his interest in becoming a police officer. He has talked about this in the past but never followed through on pursuing it. I am totally opposed to this for a number of reasons and this has caused a lot of discussions and arguments between us. I would have to go back to work a lot sooner than I would want to because his salary would be cut in half. We would also have to put our kids in daycare b/c we don't have family available to help take care of them. We would also have to sell our house and move to the municipality where he would be a cop. And everyone knows now is not the best time to be selling your house. Not to mention being a police officer can be dangerous and I think I would worry about his safety all of the time. Many family and friends I have spoken with take my side on this but my husband still feels I am being selfish. He thinks that I am against this because I don't want to have to back to work. I did plan on returning to work when the kids were older but we both made the decision for me to stay home with them to avoid having to put them in daycare when they were little. Am I being selfish or is he for putting himself in front of what I think would be best for our family? I have been really stressed and emotional over this which I don't believe is good for me since I am pregnant.

MrsM

Honey, sorry to say but your husband sounds like he is being the selfish one. He is failing to think of the sacrifices that you are making by being pregnant and giving birth to his children. Men typically fail to see what a sacrifice it is to be a stay at home mom too. They think it's some sort of vacation or dream job. Make him wait until the kids are older and your finances are more stable and maybe you are back at work - then he can really see if a career change that drastic and late in life would be wise.

draconis

I agree with your husband and I will explain why.

He should have every oppertunity to be happy.

If you don't back him then the arguements will continue, and may get worse.

He will be unhappy and it will effect him and maybe your marriage.

The longer you keep him down (this is what he is thinking) the more he will resent you.

I have been a stay at home dad. I have also worked jobs I hated to maintain a lifestyle. I hated everyday I went to work, and every minute of it.

I think if the two of you sat down you could come up with a reasonable timetable for him to follow his dreams that he has wanted for more then ten years.

He isn't being selfish. He wants to be happy.

draconis

berlinlife06

Ok, I see it from the point of view of the mother in you, and I think he is being selfish. But if he wants to try it, what is the "cutting age" to become a police officer? I know they require many things. One of my friend´s husband wanted to do it and he failed the last test which was target practice! So, he is back in school at 38, and she is supporting him. But he is also a "stay at home dad" and their kid is already on First grade. Would you be able to work from home? There could be many solutions for the same problem.

debrajean

As a father, his first priority should be the welfare of his family. Which means doing a job he may not like...right now. That said I believe he should pursue his dream of becoming a police officer but not at the expense of his family suffering. Why not begin his schooling in a night program? Most schools offer this kind of alternative and this would be an ideal way for him to see if this is really what he wants to do.

demora

Well, it would seem to me that if this is something he really wants to do, then he should wait at least until the kids are in school. Daycare is so expensive that that it would increase your monthly expenses by a considerable amount of money. If he waited until they were in school, this an expense that you probably wouldn't need to incur.

I believe that couples should support each other in the persuit of their dreams, whatever they are, however, reality sucks and once you bring children into the picture they HAVE to come first. He has a family to make sure can make it on his new salary or your combined salaries.

Where children are involved, everything we want has to be weighed against the impact on the children - their welfare, care, safety and health. He needs to wait.

draconis

Wow, that is as sexist as saying a woman's job is the house work. Sexism goes both ways.....

draconis

draconis

There is no reason you can't work opposite shifts so no child care is needed. My wife and I have always done it. I am taking care of the house and my business and she has schooling to go for her dream and her job. We have four kids including two little ones. It can be done.

draconis

netty1977

As a police officer his hours would vary. He could be working 7am-3pm or 3pm-11pm. This would be a rotating shift going from days to nights. So daycare would be necessary. And even if he could keep the kids on his days off we would still be paying for full-time daycare since there would be no set schedule. Sure anything can be done but why make our lives more stressful than they need to be. This only causes more stress and strain on a relationship. He may or may not resent me for not supporting him on this. But I am concerned that if I support him now in this I would one day resent him for making a decision that I believe is not in our family's best interest. This would be different if we hadn't already started a family and decided I would stay home to raise them.

mollyL

Draconis has some very good points (I don't think I agree with him about what he felt was a sexist comment. A father's first thought should be about the welfare of his family. So should it be a mother's first thought as well.)
However, I think that when a spouse takes on a dangerous or life-threatening occupation, the other spouse should have veto power. If he had been a cop when she met him, that would be a different matter.
Perhaps her husband should look into some of the forensic jobs that go along with police work, such as a finger print technician, etc. I don't know what that kind of work pays, but techs of any kind usually make a reasonable salary, I think.

sarahdale24

with Draconis,

Look at it this way, if my husbands dream was to join the military to defend our freedom, then would that make him selfish? What if we would have kids later, or have kids now? I think you both should sit down and sort this out. You're right, you SHOULD have thought about this before you had kids, but guess what, there's no way to go back on that. If my husband worked at a sh*t job for 10years and had the dream of becoming a police officer(no matter how dangerous) I would be supportive of him and sit down with him and work out a plan before making the decision to go through with it, but I wouldn't "veto" it. Honestly, he's not the one being selfish it sounds like to me...

My husband is my partner, the love of my life, will be the father of our children, and he's my provider, even if I was the most independant woman in the world, I wouln't automatically cancel out his dreams, cause I would be selfish...so what you have to rearrange something in your life.

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draconis

netty1977 ~ When my wife after 9 years of marriage decided she wanted to go to college because she always promised herself that she would be the only member of her four siblings to do so I knew it was going to be rough.

I am in the advanced stages of MD, I care for our household with four kids that at the time were 12, 7, 2 and 1. I also own and run a store. Which meant I would have to do more of my managing from home and not hands on.

Plus since she covered little of watching the children I had to find a way to have the children taken care of since the little ones can't be in the store without both of us there.

I knew that it was important to her, but it meant I had to change around my entire schedule for her. I had to get a family member who could watch the little ones for 4 hours a week.

I asked that I only be included in making the decisions because each time she changes classes I have to change my schedule too.

So I know what it is like to have to adjust.

Plus when I was pulled from my regular job a few years ago we lost 65% of our income. The family didn't suffer we grew together and became thankful for what we had, but along the way we lost most of the comforts we where use to including our own place and three cars.

There are few noble profressions out there. Police, firemen and armed service are the ones that come to mind. I also have respect for doctors that have to put in long hours aswell.

The point is at you asked if you are being selfish.

self·ish ~ Concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

As far as the rotating shifts etc. The town I live in doesn't have any rotating shifts at all. Of the 30 regular officers about 10 work each shift. Even most of there days are regular unless another officer has a week vacation then they get over time to cover a extra day for the week.

So there are some places out there that it wouldn't be an issue of changing days to nights and which days he works. Many of the smaller towns are like this at least in my state. Since I know or I am related to many police officers I can say this.

You are right stress during the fifth month is an issue. However, until the matter is resolved so you both are happy I don't think it is going to go away. Specially for him.

Plus I have worked in the transportation industry before and being a manager or dispatcher is a horrible, thankless job. Seeing that he just found a new place chances are he isn't fitting in well.

I think the real issue is the communications here. He has said it in the past and you though nothing of it. It should have been addressed then. It also should have been addressed before you started a family if you had those concerns.

Either way they need to be addressed now.

Now my wife is almost done her first of three degrees she plans to get. She is much happier. We are together and sronger then ever. She knows I love and support her happiness. Why? Because we found a way. We cut what we did not need (just wanted). We dealt with many things together. Was it a challenge, yes. But I would do anything to see my family happy including my wife. Are the kids better off for it with two happy parents that do not fight or argue and are always happy, yes.

Keep in mind that this is my opinion. I answerd your question honestly.

draconis

demora

I disagree. I don't think it's sexist, it is the way the arrangement has been set up with their family. He brings home the funds to support the family while she is a stay at home mom. If the rolls were reversed to where he was a stay at home dad and she brought in the funds to support the family, the issue and statement would be the same - "As a mother, her first priority should be her family." ...and it sounds like it is.

Rotating shifts might sound like a good idea, but what would that do the relationship and the family. Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder.

I guess if it were me, I would really try to talk to him about waiting a little longer until the kids are in school during the day. That way I would be able to get a job and help with the finances and could persue his dream of being a police officer. If they have night classes and/or internet classes he could be doing right away, that would be cool and I would be fine with that.

I wish you the best netty.

therelationshipguy

It sounds like you and your husband have not yet found a way to really work out your points of view about him becoming a police officer. You might benefit from looking online for some tips on how to communicate effectively. I'm referring to the process of both of you sitting down, telling each other your point of view and working together to develop a third point of view that works for both of you. In a relationship, both parties have a right to be heard and an opportunity to work together to find joint solutions to any challenge.

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