General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am new obviously, but glad I found this forum. I love my Wife very much and have 3 kids with her. We have been married / together for 8 years and have had our ups and downs like most. However its been pretty much all ups for the past few years which is great. The biggest issue I have is trying to figure out if I am in the wrong here or not.
My wife gets very upset with me when I try and do anything without her. I work mon-fri about 9 hours a day, otherwise I am home. We have little ones and they keep us very busy, along with my step daughter who is 14 and keeps us very stressed. I get invited all the time to play golf with friends. And out of guilt I almost always turn them down. However last weekend I actually went and played, I figured it was so early that it wouldn't effect our plans or anything so why not. I ended up having a great time and even stopped off and got our groceries on the way home.
I already knew after that I would really love to get out and play again. So today I was invited to play early Friday morning, since we are off work for a long weekend. I thought it wouldn't be a huge deal as I wouldn't be gone very long and would have the rest of the day, including the next 3 all for spending time with the family.
Well I asked my wife if she minded this morning and it was a mistake. She got very upset and told me that all the kids would be at school with exception of the 1 year old, and how we never get to spend time together. She told me her feelings were very hurt that I would rather go play golf then spend time with her. Then she went on to say that I must be wanting to be away from all of them! *sigh*
Anyways I told her of course not, and that I am off all weekend and Monday also, so we will have plenty of time to spend together, and that I just had a lot of fun last weekend and wanted to do it again since I was off Friday.
This is when she replied that "you can't wait to get away from us"!
I am not sure how to handle this situation, or if this happens a lot to people? I love her and know she loves me, and I do as much as I can for her. But I really would love from time to time play golf with friends. I don't see much harm in that, although according to her it means I don't care about anyone at home.
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Re: How to make wife happier and get man time?
I would suspect that the outburst about Friday’s golfing was a flash point and that she had mentally planned something for the two of you already. Is she a SAHM? If so being home with the little ones all day might drive her need for adult time and couple time. Should you have man time, absolutely but it looks like the boundaries and expectations are unclear for you both. Some dedicated discussion is needed to understand what both of you need and want. Chances are that a good communication line and empathy would help this situation enormously.
Well I asked my wife if she minded this morning and it was a mistake. She got very upset and told me that all the kids would be at school with exception of the 1 year old, and how we never get to spend time together.
I think she was looking forward to spending some time with you, alone, in a quiet house for a change. So when you mentioned golf, she got defensive because her plans for alone time with you were threatened. With 3 kids, I'm sure alone time for the two of you is at a premium.
In fact, I bet if you asked, she would have less problem with you playing on Saturday morning, or even Friday afternoon when the kids are all home, than on Friday morning when they are at school.
See if that works better for her, and plan something for just the two of you while the baby is napping, and the kids are in school.
I would say you need to encourage her to go out and make some friends and devlop hobbies.
Guess you could offer to babysit and take over any of her household responsibilites a day a week IF she goes and joins a club or class or something.
Thanks for all the feedback. Yes from her point of view Friday was premium time since only 1 child was at home. But I am sure she had nothing planned as it will be like any other day only not as loud. She has studies to do and writing so she will be busy with that. I understand to an extent why she took offense to that day, I guess from my point of view since we got a 4 day weekend that a few hours wouldn't hurt. I have only gotten to play two times in the past year, just so everyone knows. That's the total amount I have done anything without my family.
As far as friends, she doesn't have any outside our mutual family and friends with kids type thing. She went out a few weeks ago to the park with a new girl and our kids had a play date. Seems it went fairly well and I try to encourage her to go and do stuff like that.
So it seems the general consensus on here is that I was wrong to have tried on Friday. But not wrong to go now and then, so I made a mistake on the day?
So it seems the general consensus on here is that I was wrong to have tried on Friday. But not wrong to go now and then, so I made a mistake on the day?
Not wrong to have tried, no. You didn't know she was looking forward to Friday too. You just got caught by bad timing.
Let her know that you heard her, you understand she was looking forward to time together Friday morning, and that you'll be happy to set aside Friday morning for time with her. Then ask if another time works better for golfing with the guys. I bet (hope..fingers crossed...) that you'll get a better response.
I don't do anything without my family. My wife doesn't even go grocery shopping without me. I work midnights, 12+ hours a night, so when I am home I spend time with them. IMHO, "alone" time is overrated.
You know, Glock, even hopping on the tractor and mowing the yard can be a form of "alone" time.
I guess your right. I do mow the yard alone, but at least I am at home. I don't like leaving my family behind. I love to shoot, but I don't go to the range unless my family can go.
I like dragging my four legged son along too, much to my wifes dismay.
i very much am a person who needs her space. I understand when you need time away. my husband is not at all like that but he understands that I need it. we fight a lot more when i don't have it. it's just my way of winding down. If I don't I'm just really irritable and we fight over stupid stuff. however, my alone time is going to the gym or going for a run. maybe if you find things to do like that it would help. to be honest though, my husband loves when I'm doing those things because then he can play his video games... haha.
You know, my hubby and I just went through this a few weeks ago. HE wanted to go "play with the guys" and I had a total fit. We also have 3 little ones and I work a rotating schedule. He works 4 nights @ 12 hour shifts. So, I can totally relate. At first I didn't know why I was so upset. After a few days of thinking about it, I realized I didn't get any "girl time" or "hubby" time. That might very well be her issue too. You and her have to sit down and figure out how to split time evenly between family, each other and friends.
I have to have alone time also. That's after bedtime for kids. I stay up for a couple of hours and read, watch a movie and relax. When my hubby is home, I find sometimes we put the kids to bed early and sit on the deck and have a drink and talk. Or we will watch a movie.
I had lost contact with a lot of my friends after I got married, so I joined softball. Sunday night is the game and Wed. or Thurs is practice.
Try something like that. But talk to her about what she thinks is fair.
If i were to guess, she was talking in code for do something with her, maybe even sex.
And she worries that golf twice in a week means you'll be doing this a lot now. And she sees that block of time, a period of time you could be spelling her with the kids.
My wife is like this. I spend most of the free time with her. Just once in a while I like to go out without her. Sometimes it is for sports. Sometimes it is to attend an educational event after work. She always make me feel guilty for it. She react in a very immature way. Sometime I want to go out early on Sunday for sport and then return for the family in the afternoon. But she will react very negatively and assert I don't wan to spend time with the family. In that case she will go out with her own friends in the afternoon, she said. I am not against her going out with her own friends. I'm actually very supportive of that. What upset me is she did this as reaction for me going out.
It is totally normal for you to want to spend sometime for away from the family. I would go as far as to say it is not normal to not spend any personal time away from family at all. Assert yourself in a positive way. Encourage her to go out on her own sometimes. Make this a regular event, say at least once a month. It is not true for her to say you don't want to spend time with family. Evidently that's how you spent most of your time.
I think my wife grumble not because I am not spending time with her. But she is not happy with the time we spent together. A lot of them are routine activities like shopping and dining out. She is no longer happy with those. This is very difficult for me because I don't have a magic wand to make her happy. And she cannot say what does she want to do to be happy either. So we are stuck with doing routine activies and she give me hard time when I try to do anything on my own.
How to make wife happier and get man time? 
